Why is it Always Such an Inner Struggle?

This morning, I woke up and it was 8:30.  A little later than I had wanted to sleep in, but still early enough that I could make it out for my walk.

And that's exactly what I told myself when I got out of bed.  It was still early enough to go for a walk.

But, then I had to have a cup of coffee...and take my pill...and wait 30 minutes to eat my breakfast...and then probably wait a little while for my breakfast to settle.

No biggie.  I just told myself I'd give myself an hour to get all that done and go at 9:30.  STILL early enough to get in a good walk without it being too hot outside.  The temps aren't supposed to reach the 80s until sometime this afternoon.

I took my pill.  Drank a full glass of water.  Drank my coffee.  Wrote my other blog while I waited my 30 minutes to eat.  Ate.  Drank another glass of water.  And then started getting caught up in this inner battle with myself.  By this time, it was about 9:15.

Do I really want to go for a walk?  I plan on walking every day after school this week..it won't hurt if I skip today.  Have I drank enough water to keep me hydrated if I go?  What about my dry mouth issues?  Will I start walking and get all thirsty...and will it make me feel sick?

And then I started arguing with myself.  

I never regret going once I actually make myself go.  Why is it always so difficult to just make myself do it?  I enjoy walking.  I feel great once I'm finished.  But, then, why do I have to mentally convince my mind that it's the right thing to do?

Seriously, I'm not kidding.  There's a reason I refer to myself as the MAD, fat woman.  I literally have these inner dialogues going on certain occasions... such as this one.

Hubby then came outside to tell me that he was going to mow the back yard.  Immediately my mind said.. Well, you can't go now, you have to keep an eye on the kids.  If you go walking, the kids won't be supervised and they will bother Hubby while he's trying to mow, and that will tick him off.

I pretty much convinced myself that I was just going to put it off for today.

Then, by 9:50, Hubby was done.  Yard was mowed, and I was still sitting on the patio and I started getting this niggling feeling.  I've been so good all week.  I've kept my calories in check.  I've logged everything I've eaten.  Did I really want to fail on the exercise portion before I even start?

And the answer is NO.

I took my big butt swiftly inside the house, dug out my walking clothes, and put on my tennis shoes.  I was going.  Period.

And I did.  I walked for an hour, and did 3 miles in that time.  I had my music playing in my ears.  I kept the beat to the various songs.  And, I thoroughly enjoyed it.  

By the time I got home, I was absolutely drenched in sweat, but my body felt good.  I felt refreshed.  Like all the kinks had been worked out.  And my pace wasn't great... 20 minute miles.. but I had already told myself that my weekend walks were not going to be for exercise, they were going to be for meditative purposes.  When I'm walking around the school gym every day and throwing in some sprints and jogging..then I'll worry about my pace time.

I just wish it wasn't such a big hassle convincing myself to go.  It's true what I told myself during my inner argument.  I never regret going.  I always feel good when I get back.  I always enjoy it.  It makes me feel accomplished and strong.  

I tell myself every time I finish walking, and have the fuzzy good feelings, that I will remember those moments each time...so that I'll never try to talk myself out of it.  But, that never happens.  Each and every single time, I end up in a mind battle deciding if I really want to go or not.  For the most part, I do end up going... but there are countless times that I've opted for sitting at my computer or curling up on the couch instead.  

I just don't want to do that anymore.  It takes one hour out of my day.  One.  And then I have the entire rest of the day to relax, and play games, and read.  

Even while I was walking, I was practicing my plan of action for when I'm faced with walking after school.  No doubt, I'll try and talk myself out of it.  I'll try and convince myself that I have too much to do in my classroom...stuff to get ready for the next day.  But, my kiddos are all gone by 3:30.  If I worked in my classroom until 5.. I'd have an hour to spend in the gym.  That's an hour and a half in my room, and an hour to walk.  Perfect.  Surely I can get everything that I need to do done in an hour and a half.  

Sure, I'll probably be tired.  Exhausted, even.  But... if I just force myself to change in to my work-out clothes...force myself to go in to that gym... I guarantee that I won't regret it.  I'll probably even go home with a little pep in my step, rather than getting home and collapsing on the couch.  

I just hope that one day, the inner argument will disappear.  It will transform in to the voice urging me to go..excited that it's almost time to work up a sweat and get my body moving.  That feeling that I hold on to every time I'm done will finally be the only feeling...and it will boost me up each and every time.

One day.

Until then, I just have to be strong.  Committed.  And never let my negative side win.

Till next time!