Some May Call it Cheating, I Call it the Possible Answer to My Prayers

Well, I had my doctor's appointment.  And you know what?  It wasn't that bad.

I fully expected my blood pressure to be through the roof, because for some reason I was so freaking nervous.  I don't know why.  I knew what was going to happen.  I knew that they weren't going to really find that much wrong with me.  But, my heart was racing while sitting in the waiting room.

Nurse comes and gets me, takes me back, makes me stand on the scale.

262.2lbs

Damn.

However, it was 2PM, so I knew that probably wasn't as accurate as it should be...but still.  On August 1st I weighed 260lbs.  I kinda expected a lower number than 262lbs eight days later.

Then came the blood pressure cuff.

128/78.

Not bad at all.  Just a little higher than my usual of 120/70... but nothing to be concerned about.

Pulse and oxygen were good.

Nurse goes out, APN comes in.  

I don't mind seeing an APN.  Some people get a little bent out of shape about it... but for routine check-ups, it doesn't bother me.  My Jelly sees an APN quite regularly..and to tell you the truth, she actually prefers the APN because she's a lot more fun and "down to earth".  Her regular doctor always seems a little hurried and not really all that interested in what I have to say.  

My APN was very similar.  Very nice.  Down to earth.  And made me feel comfortable from the get-go.

We talked about my weight.  She asked me the routine questions about my family history of diabetes and heart disease.  Being that there is family history of both, she wanted a diabetes and cholesterol screening.  She also asked me about my motivation on wanting to lose weight.

There it was.  What I was expecting.

I told her my history.  I told her about getting up to 300lbs after having Jelly.  I told her about me losing almost 90lbs two years later.  I told her about graduating college, not being able to find a teaching job, and then eating my way back up to my around 240lbs.  And then the last 20lbs were for good measure over finally finding a teaching job, and putting weight loss at the back of my mind while I just tried to get through my first year doing the best job I could.

Not once did she look at me with judgmental eyes, or give me the feeling like she'd heard all the BS excuses before and here was another person feeding her the same old lines.  Even though I felt that way with every word that came out of my mouth.

She told me that it sounded like I was motivated, I was just having a problem with my eating.

Urm...exactly.

I want to lose weight, I just can't quit stuffing my face. 

That's the best way to describe it.  I'm energetic enough.  I exercise when I want to.  I'm able to exercise.  And according to her, I exercise much more than most 260lbs women she's met.  She even seemed a little surprised when I told her I'm still able to walk for 3 or 4 miles and run around a playground.  Not sure if there was a hint of "yeah, right" in her eyes or just genuine surprise.  But, regardless, she seemed happy that I was still able to do those things.

After hearing me out, and asking a few questions here and there I waited for the words to come.

The "you need to eat less and exercise more, period" words.  The words I'd heard so many times from doctors and nutritionists and counselors and fitness experts.

But, she didn't say them.  She looked at me with a look that made me think she felt sorry for me.  Like she knew how hard I'd struggled...how hard I wanted it... but I just couldn't get my head and my mouth to work together to make it happen.

She then asked me if I'd consider taking prescription weight loss pills.

What the what?

She shared with me that she'd gone through what I was going through.  She had been pretty heavy several years ago, and just couldn't get rid of the weight.  She'd yo-yo up and down, she tried different diets, she exercised like a crazy woman... but she just got to a point where the weight loss would stop completely and then she'd feel let down and would start eating it all back on again. 

Until she was prescribed some help... in the form of a pill.

Now, I'll admit that my first reaction was to say no.  I have told myself time and time again that I don't want to lose the weight with pills or surgeries or crazy detox plans.

But, how much longer am I going to keep going on what I'm doing?  How much longer can I just pretend that I don't have a serious eating problem, and that no matter how much I say I'm going to lose the weight... it just doesn't happen?

She obviously saw the panic and confusion taking place in my head because then she started telling me about the drug.

Her first words were that they were NOT some wonder pill that would make all my problems..and weight..disappear.  If I decided to do it, I would have to put in the work...and put up with the side effects.  It wouldn't be easy peasy from the moment the first pill slid down my throat.

It's an appetite suppressant first and foremost.  It will curb the cravings and the desire to eat.  I will actually have to force myself to eat...three times a day.  No ifs ands or buts about it.

It will also increase my metabolism.  That will burn more calories, but if I don't put the energy to good use, it can make me feel jittery and anxious.  

In order for the pill to work for the short amount of time I get to take it, I can eat no more than 1400 calories a day.  Only cutting out the junk food, processed sugar and flour.

I will have to limit my caffeine intake to only 1-2 cups per day of coffee.

(Hearing those words almost me walk out.. but I had to be serious.  Giving up a couple cups of coffee wouldn't kill me.)

I listened.  I processed.  I started asking questions.

How long would I take it?  How would it help me lose the weight and keep it off?  What happens if I can't control myself from eating more than 1400 calories a day?  Would it or could it damage my body?

Answers:  No more than 3 months.  It helps reprogram my mind to only needing calories for energy rather than mindless eating.  The problem will be forcing myself to eat 1400 calories, not worrying about going over.  The only possible problems would be an increase in blood pressure that will be monitored monthly.

I was apprehensive.  Was this cheating?  Was I giving up because I was looking for an "easy way out"?  

But, then... I started thinking about everything I've gone through.  I started thinking about how much I've tried and failed.  And at the end of the day, is it really so important how I lose the weight if I find something that actually works?

Don't get me wrong, I hate taking pills.  Loathe it, in fact.  But, if a pill can help me stop this mindless eating, give me some pep in my step when working out, and help my body understand what it truly needs... is this the answer to all of my prayers?

So, I decided to do it.  For a month.  Just to try.

I start today, and have to go back in one month for my first check-up.  They'll check my weight and my blood pressure.  I can evaluate how the pill makes me feel, and if I truly believe it's something I can live with.  

There are rules I have to follow, and I need to show proof of following these rules when I go back:

I have to track everything I eat.

I have to stay within 1200-1400 calories a day.

I have to walk at least 3 times a week, preferably 5...and at a brisk pace that causes a sweat and increased heart rate.

When I feel like I can jog, I need to do it... but that doesn't have to come in my first month.

No more than 2 cups of coffee a day, maybe less depending on how my body takes to the jittery feelings.

No white flour or sugar.

I HAVE to eat three meals a day.

I have to monitor my sleeping patterns.. how much I'm sleeping, if I'm having trouble sleeping, etc.

And stay the course.  Unless I start feeling dizzy, nauseous, or lethargic...then no more pills, straight back to the doctor.

I'll admit, I'm a little nervous.  I want it to work, but I'm also worried about the possible side effects.

But, if it gives me the jolt I need to get on the fast track of curbing my eating problems... then I have to try it.  

Some may consider it cheating... but whatevs.  

Some may consider it unhealthy... but whatevs.

I need this.  I truly do.

I've tried.  And tried.  And tried.

The motivation is there, it's just the follow through I struggle with the most.  And if "follow through" comes in the form of a pill, it only makes sense to give it a go.

Let's see what happens, shall we?

Till next time!