Because the best thing about working in my classroom when I'm not being paid to work in my classroom is that I can show up in anything I want... shorts, tank tops, old t-shirts. I don't have to worry about looking professional or clean-cut, because I'm only there to do one thing: Get all hot and sweaty while trying to prepare my classroom.
But, this morning, I didn't have that option. I had to get out of bed and face my "professional" closet for the first time in two months. Because today and tomorrow, I have to go to training...and that's something I can't show up for in my old shorts and t-shirts.
I have to admit, I was a little panicked.
I've spent two months in baggy sport shorts and summer dresses. Neither being acceptable to wear to work... unless I put a shirt under the summer dress, but who wants to do that when it's 100 degrees outside?
I looked at all of my work pants and shirts....will they still fit? I've gained and lost so many times this summer I wondered if my math was off, and I'd end up not being able to fit in the outfit I selected.
I guess my math was OK, because the capris and shirt I picked out fit just fine. The same way they did the last time I wore them. Not really much of a boost to my confidence level, but a relief nonetheless.
Now that I'm down to having less than a week before I go back to work, I guess my plans on losing a ton of weight over the summer has dried up. It's not going to happen. If anything, I'll be going back the same weight I left. But, I suppose that's better than going back 10lbs heavier...which is quite common for me during the summer break.
It's a little disappointing, but I'm really determined that once I get back to work I will be able to start seeing the pounds fade away. Once I'm back in to a normal routine...keeping my mind off of mindlessly eating.
I'm not getting the opportunity to put my work clothes back on and feeling them significantly looser.. but fall and winter are fast approaching. Maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to dig out my warmer clothes and get that feeling then.
I have a feeling I'll be spending quite a bit of my back to school time in skirts. They fit me better, and are more forgiving to my waistline. I can't stand it when I put on a pair of pants that are a little snug. Forget spare tire.. I have a whole set of tires that protrude over the top of my pants when that happens. I then feel uncomfortable and self-conscious all day. I hate feeling that way.
I made the goal to try and lose a significant amount of weight over the course of the summer. That didn't happen. I only have myself to blame. I could have eaten better. I could have exercised more. Time was my friend, but it was also my biggest enemy.
When I have time to spare, I end up wasting it.
Not exactly wasting it, but switching my priorities around to focus on not doing a whole lot of anything. I internally tell myself that once school starts back up, I won't be able to just spend my days laying on the couch with a good book. Or lazing in the pool. Or watching movies with the kids while eating handfuls of candy and crackers. Or indulging in a few adult beverages. Or sleeping until 10AM.
Sure, I've made much more of a conscious effort these past couple of weeks.. but it was a little too late. I may have lost 5lbs in the past couple of weeks, but that was 5lbs I'd gained since I got out of school. Not really something I can be proud of.
But, one thing I do have working in my favor is how much I crave structure. Going back to work will provide the structure I need to stay on track, and keep myself in check.
I've set my mind to taking my lunch every day instead of eating cafeteria food. I could have just told myself that I'd eat from the salad bar each day... but I knew that was disaster just waiting to happen. I'd start off just fine, but it wouldn't be long before I was telling myself it's OK to eat whatever the cooks had prepared..it's just one time. Day after day after day.
I've set my mind to eating breakfast before I leave for work in the morning. Being that my kids will also be taking their lunches and eating breakfast at home, it can become a routine to get up and eat breakfast together. And to prepare our lunches together.
I've set my mind to spending a few afternoons in the school gym walking and jogging. Peanut and Butter are both going to be playing sports, so I'll be staying at the school each day until 5:30 or 6. No reason Jelly and I can't go down to the gym and do our own thing. I'm sure she can find something to occupy herself with while I'm walking around and around the gym a few times.
And as long as I keep my mind set on those things, I have no doubt that once it's time to dust off my winter clothes.. I'll be happy to discover that they fit better. Maybe even getting in to some stuff that didn't fit me last winter.
So, yeah, my back to school wardrobe will be pretty slim pickings for a while. I refuse to buy anything new until I get back down to a size I'm comfortable with. Which would actually stop me from needing to buy anything new because I already have a ton of clothes that used to fit me that don't any more. It sure would be nice to fill my closet with those clothes instead of what I have now.
But the only thing standing in the way of that happening is me. I either do it or I don't. Ugh, if I had a dollar for every time I've typed those words.
OK, enough from me... I need to go to training.
Till next time!
a/k/a Mad, Fat Woman