Going to Try to "Savor" the Moment

Dear Diary...

Tuesday nights, I get on Twitter and keep up with the Twitter chat for Biggest Loser.  This week, while reading everyone's comments - I also moseyed on through my regular feed to see what's going on with everyone.

Twitter is one of those things that I just haven't been able to get in to like a lot of people have.  I get on there occasionally to see what everyone is up to.  But I'll admit, it's mostly become my go-to place to visit only when I want to catch up on what people are saying about the current week's episode of Biggest Loser.  Being that I consider myself pretty "social" when it comes to social networking - Twitter is just one bandwagon I haven't been able to climb aboard.  Although, anyone that is a friend on my personal Facebook account will also see that I haven't gotten on there much lately, either.

Anywho, this week I wasn't just following the BL chat I was also running through other status updates.

This week, I noticed a new chat taking place - a virtual book club.  I'm not sure if it was a new chat - probably not.  It's probably better for me to say that I noticed a chat taking place that I'd never noticed before.  I'd say about 90% of the people I follow on Twitter are people on a weight loss journey of some kind.  I follow them for a reason - to keep up with what they're doing and trying..and if any of it works.  I'm not sure why the virtual book club chat jumped out at me - but once I started reading a few messages, I just had to find out the source of the book and read everyone's comments.  So I did a little search and wala, I had the book club chat filtered.

The book they were discussing was Savor: Mindful Eating, Mindful Life by Thich Nhat Hanh and Dr. Lilian Cheung  The first is a Buddhist Zen Master and the latter a doctor who specializes in nutrition.  At first I thought it was a strange coupling - but after reading some of the comments about the book, I was intrigued.

Some of my long-time followers may remember a spat that took place a little over a year ago when I got very interested in balancing mind and body - after reading Eat, Pray, Love.  That was a time in my life where I rekindled my relationship with yoga and meditation and tried to explore my emotional eating triggers, etc.  For the time that I was focused on this Zen-like way of thinking, I was more aware of my surroundings, more aware how to release stress, and was definitely more aware of my emotional eating behaviors.

Getting back to what I was talking about - the next day, I went and bought Savor.  Just like that.  Without really doing much research or digging deeper into what the book was about.  I just read the comments that praised the messages the book had about connecting mind and body, using meditations, and having the tools to make mindful food choices and BAM I was in Barnes & Noble picking up my copy. 

The book chat coincidentally took place the same night after hearing from my therapist that I have a lot of fixing to do with myself.  I figured what better way to start working on fixing myself than having a therapist, a Zen Master, and a doctor of nutrition giving me advice, right?

So, I've decided to take on Savor and give it a go.  I've been told it's a pretty dense read, but full of great information.  I've only made it through the first couple of pages of the introduction, but it's already speaking to me.  I've already read that the book isn't a dieting book or a lose weight fast book.  It's a book that teaches how to make mindful choices when it comes to food, and other aspects of life.

It's funny, but just a couple of days ago, I was on a wonderful blog (Day #1 Again - go check it out, it's fantastic!) and Jenn, the author, was explaining that she was going to be trying Yoga for the first time.  I left her a comment about how I loved yoga, and didn't know why I wasn't do it anymore.  She immediately followed up with a comment telling me I should be doing it if I really loved it that much - and she was right.  Then, practically the same day, I get all involved with finding this book and reading it and getting back in touch with my spiritual aspect to my weight loss journey.  I believe in signs, and I think that was definitely one.

I have always had this belief that weight loss isn't just physical - it's very mental.  When your mind is out of balance, your body will be also.  Yoga, as a practice not just an exercise, and meditation have always been two things I'm pretty good at - and have helped when I've used them.  So, I think it's time I rekindle my relationship with them both.  Again.  I've got to add more to my goals than just logging my food, keeping up with my calorie intake, and working out as often as I can.  I've got to add the part where I work on the struggles that make me mindlessly eat.  The things that stress me out - and cause me to mindlessly eat.  And letting go of failures from my past - that when I think about them, make me mindlessly eat.

I put myself in to a semi-meditative state while at the gym last night.  I got on the elliptical, and about 10 minutes in I was exhausted.  Not surprising.  I've only worked out once on the elliptical this year - and that was over a week ago.  I was pushing for 30 minutes, and I just didn't know if I was going to be able to do it.  So, I put my earplugs in, tuned in to the TV, and completely ignored what I was doing.  I just kept moving my legs and diverting my attention to the TV screen.  Before I knew it, my 30 minutes were up - and I was still alive.  It just goes to show what I can accomplish when I don't focus on the pain - and just push through it by occupying my mind with something else.

I'm not going to the gym tonight because I have to hurry home to get Peanut to my parent's house.  This weekend, though, I'm thinking some running and yoga may make an appearance.  Oh, and some reading - of course.

TGIF!!

Till next time. ;)

Biggest Loser Breakdown: Less Conda, Anyone?

Dear Diary...

There's something weird going on over at that NBC.  I can feel it.  My spidey sense got all tingly while watching this week's episode.  I admit, I wasn't going to watch it this week.  After last week, I'd really just had enough.  I wasn't excited about the show.  I was no longer rooting for any of the contestants left.  I just didn't see the point.  But, there was nothing else on Tuesday night (except American Idol, but I was DVRing that so I could skip the commercials) so I figured what the heck, I'd see what happens when they all go home for 18 days.

Well, I'm happy to say that I'm glad I watched this week.  Mainly because it's the first episode of the season where the show portrayed what it's actually all about - getting over excuses to succeed in losing weight - AND there was WAY less Conda...but I'll discuss that more after my breakdown.

So, the contestants all got to go home for 18 days.  There was a big challenge they had to complete while there - lose 5% of their weight and they'd automatically win immunity.  All of them.  Didn't matter what team lost the weigh in, if they lost 5% they were safe.

Within about 5 minutes of them all greeting their families, they all had another challenge.  The contestants had to row 10,000 meters on a rowing machine for the chance to win $10,000.  During the challenge, I was stuck at who I was rooting for.  It's so sad to think that I couldn't pick out a favorite.  I was also very surprised to see how difficult the challenge was for some of the contestants.  I mean, after 9 weeks on the ranch in the past, the contestants have all been much more physically fit.  That's totally my opinion, I may be wrong.

Anywho, about half way in a lot of the contestants seemed to be losing steam.  Conda stuck out to me straight away.  She complained about the pain she was feeling, and declared that she'd rather just pull back and let her brother try and win.  Yeah, that was it.  Just two minutes after saying she'd planned on embarrassing him in front of all of his friends.  Once she realizes that she's not going to be able to beat him - she immediately starts trying to look like she's doing him a favor.  Psh!

I also didn't like the competition between Chism and Mark.  You could tell by the look on Mark's face that he did not want Chism to beat him.  He kept saying it, too.  Don't get me wrong, I'm all about some healthy competition between father and son - but that was a bit ridic.

Once the competition was over, the results were not revealed.  They had to wait until the weigh-in to find out who won.  So, then it went on with watching the contestants at home.  It was mostly focused on their temptations.  We saw Emily visit a bakery.  We saw Jeremy go to a bar with a bunch of his hot friends that sat around and ate fried food and steak right in front of him.  We saw Cassandra bake cookies - and only eat one.  We saw Buddy actually buy a chili cheese dog with cheese fries just to sit and smell them and throw them in the garbage.  We got to hear some heart felt moments.  What we didn't see?  Hardly any Conda.  The only time she was shown was a few fleeting moments when she was with her daughter.  No temptations for her.  No heart pulling family moments. 

Once they got back to the ranch, I started to get that queasy I just can't take one more second feeling.  And the reason?  Kim.  Oh.  Em.  Gee.  Can that woman spew out some excuses.  It was nothing but whining and crying about how difficult it was for her to focus while at home because she's a mother - and her kids come first.  She knew that she wasn't getting immunity, so she immediately started playing victim.  It's totally OK for her to do it, apparently, but no one else on her team can.

So, the weigh in finally comes.  They announce that Chism won the rowing competition and wins the $10,000.  The red team weigh in first and Buddy, Kimmie, and Jeremy all make the 5% target and earn immunity.  Then it's Mark's turn to weigh in.  He didn't make it.  He only lost 11lbs in 18 days.  But of course, he's got excuses.  Oh, how quickly he forgets what he did to Adrian when Adrian had a crappy number his first week.  Or a not crappy number his second week.  Again - it's OK for Mark, just not anybody else apparently.  Then, up goes Kim.  She loses 7lbs.  In 18 days.  And I'll be damned, Dolvett actually defends her and talks about how hard Kim had it.  Being a single mother, taking care of her kids, blah, blah, freakin' blah.  I was so disappointed in Dolvett.  He basically allowed her to use her excuses.  Isn't this what the show is about?  I'm going to go out on a limb here, but if Bob was her trainer - I'm pretty sure he would have said something along the lines of "boo-hoo, lots of people have kids or are single parents but this journey is about learning to deal with you first and that making yourself healthier is the best move for your kids so you need to stop the whining and complaining and actually learning how to get over those excuses - which is what this whole season is about!"  So, Mark and Kim are up for elimination if the black team wins the weigh-in. 

All of the black team go up.  Every one that goes up earns immunity - even Conda, which I was surprised about - until they get to Chism.  There's just 12lbs standing between the black team winning and sending either Kim or Mark home.  Chism could have or should have lost 12lbs in one week - let alone 18 days.  If he doesn't make it, he automatically gets eliminated.  So, he stands on the scale.  America is already rejoicing the fact that either Mark or Kim will be leaving.  It's a win-win situation - as they are both evil.  And then Chism only loses 11lbs.  What the what??  It's like I could almost hear the curse words being screamed by America. 

Chism went home.  After a very dramatic outburst by his dad.  But, he was the person sent packing.  There was no after show update on Chism.  No, now he gets his own vlog on the Biggest Loser website to update his progress each week. 

I'll admit that I'd have much rather seen Kim or Mark go home.  I truly believe Chism needed to be there longer.  However, I also believe what goes around comes around.  After what the black team did to Daphne - there needed to be some justice.  And justice was given.

In regards to my "spidey sense" I talked about at the beginning of this post.  Somehow, I feel like there might have been some additional editing done to this week's episode.  It was blatantly obvious how much of Conda we didn't see.  I almost got the chance to forget about her.  I said almost.  I am hoping that it's because NBC has heard the cries of the masses and are doing everything in their power to decrease the amount of Conda drama.  I sure hope that's what it is.  I still won't be happy until she's gone - but whatever.  Less Conda time will suffice, for now.  Then, of course, it could have just been that TBL wanted this week to be heartfelt and emotional - and there just wasn't any Conda footage that would demonstrate that. 

I've heard a lot of banter in the forums about Conda being "made" to look the bully due to editing.  I say what the hell eva!  There's no way the cameras can make crap like that happen. She's a bully.  The country should see her for what she is.  So, if you're one of those people that feels sorry for Conda for being portrayed in such a negative way - get a grip!  The best movie directors in the world couldn't pull that one off - they are just showing her for what she is.  And I'm totally down for them hardly ever showing her - if it means making the BL fans a little more appeased.

That's the breakdown for this week.  There's a major twist gonna take place next week.  Oh joy.  Guess we'll just have to wait and see what unfolds from that.

Goals for today:

• Log all of my food
• Drink lots of water
• Circuit training at the gym

Till next time. ;)

Call Me a Loser All You Want! - Weigh In Time!

Dear Diary...

For pretty much the first time since the beginning of the year - and starting this journey over yet again - I was actually looking forward to this morning's weigh in.  You may need to read that again just to be sure I said what you actually thought I said.  It's true.  I knew this week was going to be different.  No last minute excuses, no last minute explanations as to why I'm expecting to see a gain - none of that. 

Before I actually get to the numbers, though, I do have something to admit to you.  I didn't get to go meet Patrick House last night (Season 10's Biggest Loser).  No, let me rephrase that - I didn't go to meet Patrick House last night.  After getting out of Butter's therapy session - that was after 5pm - I was exhausted.  That's a terrible excuse, one that I regretted while driving home.  THEN, I got home, and saw that Patrick had posted to his Facebook that he was in L.A. filming.  Come to find out, he had to put off his appearance at my gym for a week cause he's in L.A. filming an episode of Biggest Loser.  I didn't miss him after all - and you can bet I'll be there next week.  No excuses!

So.  Let's get to those numbers, shall we?

On my first weigh in of the year, I weighed 239.8lbs.  Since that time, I've gained.  A lot.  Last week, getting up to 244.4lbs,  I decided to ditch my old ways and go back to basics.  I logged all my food, I counted calories.  Did it make a difference?  You tell me.  This week I weighed in at...241.6lbs!!!  That's a loss of 2.8lbs!!!

I'm very happy with that number.  Even though I made a few changes this week, I still made a few bad choices and skipped a few work-outs.  My immediate reaction was to think about how much more I would have lost if I had stuck to all of my goals and worked out more and didn't partake in the two moments of weakness and eat junk food.

But, then I told myself I'm not going to do that.  Losing almost 3lbs in a week is something to be very proud of - despite any mistakes I made.  Mistakes mean I have room for improvement.  They will most likely happen every single week - but as long as I can still pull numbers as great as this?  I'll be just fine. 

This week has really given me a different outlook on the whole process.  I can't believe I was such a naysayer about logging my food - but the proof is in the pudding, right?  I gave it a week, and the results of my week show how important that tiny step is in this whole process.  Done are my days of saying it's not important to count calories.  I was in idiot - I'm OK to admit that.  Now, I'm a loser... and I couldn't be more happier about that!  I am also going to use my food logging on my Reward Jar.  For every week I log all of my food - every day - I now earn a $5 bonus!

Along with making the change to logging my food, I am also going to be making a very huge step towards doing something I never thought I'd do.  I am going to start getting some counseling.  I'll admit that I have been taking a bit of an advantage of Butter's therapist.  Well, yesterday, he point blank called me out on it.  He could tell I was struggling.  He could tell that I needed him - for my own reasons, not just Butter's.  As much as I've tried to think otherwise, I have a lot of demons in my closet that I can't just let go by myself.  Holding on to my past - as much as I keep telling myself I don't - is affecting my weight, the way I parent, and my life in general.

I've been struggling a lot since Butter came out of the hospital with stepping back in to the role of a dominant parent figure towards Butter.  I coddle him.  I kept telling myself that if I approached him with nothing but love, he'd never want to be that boy that got him put in the hospital ever again.  And then, I admitted to the therapist my biggest fear:  I never want Butter to turn out like his bio-father.  What I thought to be a nothing more than a concern turned out to be the statement the therapist had been waiting for me to admit:  My past is affecting me.  Until I can let go of the guilt and frustration and mental anguish that man from my past put on me - and what I fear will develop in my son - I will never be able to give Butter what he truly needs.  I am basically enabling Butter to do the very thing I'm scared of happening.  The only way to fix that is by facing the issues head on - and now I'll have a therapist to help me through it.

I know that the next few weeks are going to be very tough on me.  There are going to be some major changes in my house.  I was given a list of things to do this week by my therapist, and some of those things scare me.  Some of those things are going to upset Butter - big time.  But, everything he's asked me to do is necessary.  One of my hardest tasks is going to be making a list of the fears I've overcome and the fears I still have.  The therapist is going to help me with as many as he can.  He's going to help me face my fears, and give me the tools to let go of my past, let go of my guilt, and stop worrying about who Butter may become.

There are so many factors that can play on weight gain and loss.  I'm quickly realizing that it's not just about what I eat and whether or not I work-out.  In order for my body to let go of the junk, my mind has to also let go of the junk.  It's something I'm prepared to do.  No, it's something I want to do - more than anything.  Just getting rid of the weight won't be enough.  I've already learned that lesson.  It will just come back.  Until I can get rid of the junk that causes me to mindlessly eat and sit on the couch rather than work-out, I have no hope.  But, I do have hope.  And hope is going to get me through.

My goals for today:

• Log my food
• Drink lots of water
• Work out at the gym

Till next time. ;)

True Confessions Tuesday

Dear Diary...

Despite everything I'm about to say, I am pretty happy this week.  But, even on the good weeks, there's going to be some things that I need to get off my chest.  That's what I want my confessions to be for.  To just get things off my chest.  I don't know if there will ever come a time when I can write a blog post on Tuesday mornings and say "I have absolutely nothing to confess this week".  That would be nice, but as a very wonderful follower said yesterday in the comments, I'm striving for Progress, Not Perfection!

I confess that I have not been to the gym since last Tuesday.  Despite it being one of my goals Thursday and Friday.  Wednesday, I explained that in a post - and then I repeated the same stuff on Thursday and Friday.  I chose to go shoe shopping instead, even after shopping for shoes Wednesday afternoon.  Friday, I was just tired.

I confess that, even though it was one of my goals to go walking on Saturday, I didn't.  I chose to go get my hair cut, do grocery shopping, and return shoes I no longer wanted.  Sure, I walked around stores... but it's not the same.  That doesn't count.

I confess that I made myself go jogging/walking on Sunday.  When I got dressed, I deliberately put my work-out clothes on.  Even when I had decided to go play bingo, and realized that my jogging/walking my hinder that - I chose to take my chances.  The 2.85 miles I completed were tough.  Especially the first 30 minutes when I completed week one of C25K.  My calves were screaming at me the entire time - but I just kept hearing a voice scream "push passed the pain" and I did.  

I confess that I was not able to avoid the junk food at bingo on Sunday.  This is going to sound stupid, but, I deliberately didn't ask for extra cash when buying my bingo books - cause I knew I'd end up buying food.  Then, and here's the stupid part, while I was playing the first games I told myself that if I won I'd buy myself something to eat.  Guess what happened next?  I won.  My first win of the night - $37.  Enough to buy me some food.  Instead of getting a salad or a sandwich I went to my weakness - chicken strips and fries.  Even though I was still slightly under my calorie goal for the day (thank goodness to the 300 calories I earned for my 2.85 mile walk) I know that it has affected my weight this week.

I confess that I stood on the scale Friday, even though I don't usually step on the scale any other days but Tuesdays and Wednesdays.  Tuesdays because of my Biggest Loser weigh in at work, and Wednesdays for my official weigh in.  I wish I hadn't.  Because the number I saw then compared to the number I see now is significantly different.  The number on Friday was 2lbs less than what I saw this morning when getting a feel for what my BL weigh in would be like.  It goes to show that even staying under my calorie goal doesn't completely determine my loss.  Fried food is still fried food - and it's going to affect my numbers.

I confess that my "splurge" on Sunday wasn't the only splurge I had this week.  Friday night, Hubby and I took the kids to The Dixie Cafe for dinner.  I mentally told myself that I could have a "free night" because I had planned on doing some jogging/walking on Saturday and going to the gym on Sunday.  While I didn't make good choices with the food I ordered, I did stop eating when I was full.  That's a new thing for me.  I've been conditioned to eat what's on my plate - but Friday night, I just stopped when I reached the point of "fullness".  I'm sure that meal also has affected what I saw on the scale this morning - especially since I didn't hold up to the two days of exercise I'd planned on over the weekend.  I also believe it's one of the reasons I ate so little on Saturday - because I was trying to make up for the damage.  Lesson to be learned in that!

I confess that I have managed to go an entire week of logging my food and exercise in to My Fitness Pal.  That's a big deal, for me.  I've logged everything that went in to my mouth - good, bad, and ugly.  In those 7 days, I've only gone over my calorie goal 3 times - and it was by less than 300 calories each time.  I know that those 300 calories add up - but for my first week, I don't think it's too bad.

I confess that I'm so excited to get to meet Patrick House from the Biggest Loser this evening.  Even though I won't be able to work out - because of an appointment I have to take Butter to, just being able to say hi and maybe get a picture will be worth it.  He's been one of my most favorite Biggest Losers since watching the show - and I had the most success with my weight loss during his season. 

I confess that I didn't go to the gym, again, last night because of a doctor's appointment.  It was preplanned, though, so it's not like I skipped going.  This week will be kinda crazy, but I plan on getting my butt back on track with the gym on Wednesday. 

I confess that even though I feel like I had a pretty good week, it's obvious I still have a long way to go.  It's my goal this week to work on some of this stuff - and make sure it doesn't happen again.  It makes me wonder what my number on my scale would be like if I hadn't skipped the gym those few days.  It makes me wonder what the number would be if I hadn't eaten the junk I ate over the weekend.  There's only one way to find out - by not repeating the same mistakes.

So, that's it.  But, before I go, I have a favor to ask.  I am needing help for a friend.  Her name is Lacie.  She is a person I've worked with the past few months - and has grown to be a true friend.  She has a daughter, named Kenadee, who is 2.  Her daughter has mitochondrial disease.  It's a disease that affects Kenadee's entire body - both inside and out.  There's no way I could shed light on this family's heartfelt story - but I hope you would visit this link and read a little more about it.

Lacie, and her husband Dennis, want to take their precious angel to the beach.  It could very well be the only chance they have to do something like this.  I have never seen so much strength and love inside two people.  They devote their lives to giving Kenadee the best care, love, and support.  Lacie also spends 7 hours a day nurturing 25 third graders.  She is a true hero - and her husband deserves that badge of honor, too as he spends that time at home taking care of Kenadee. 

I am trying to help Lacie and Dennis raise enough money to make their dreams come true - and take that trip to the beach.  If you can spare anything - $10, $20, more - and have a part in this, you have no idea how grateful I'd be.  I would also be forever grateful if you could share this story on your own blogs - and spread the word for me.  Please click here and help make their dreams come true!

Till next time. ;)

You Win Some, You Lose Some...

Dear Diary...

What an amazing weekend it's been.  It was a great combination of relaxation, activities, time with family, and time alone.  I learned a little about myself this weekend, too. 

I learned that a little haircut and style can have a huge impact on the outside AND the inside.  With just a couple of inches cut off my hair, I feel like a different person.  I don't look in the mirror, now, and see a girl that has lost hope or is fighting a losing battle.  I see a woman that's determined.  I see a woman that doesn't have to live in sweat pants forever, or feel uncomfortable that her clothes are too tight - for much longer.  I see a woman that is going to start making some serious progress in the coming weeks.  She's in it to win it.

I learned that there are going to be occasions when just because I post my goals on here, doesn't necessarily mean I'll definitely complete all of them.  There may have been a couple of goals that I didn't get accomplished over the past couple of days - that I will divulge in tomorrow's confession post.  

Regardless, I learned that just because I don't complete a goal doesn't make me weak or a failure.  As long as I stick to the important stuff - logging, exercising, etc. - that a minor slip up can be overcome as long as I dust myself off immediately and don't just give up on the whole day.  

I learned that the past couple of weeks in the gym has definitely increased my stamina.  After a few failed attempts over the past couple of months, yesterday I completed the first week of Couch to 5K.  Again.  I did the whole program once before.  But, after almost a year of no exercise and mindless eating - I lost the ability to run more than a few seconds.  Yesterday, I was able to do 20 minutes of 60 jogs/ 90 second walk intervals.  A small step in the right direction to working back up to running 3 miles - but a huge milestone... being that a little over a month ago the first 60 second run caused me more pain than I want to admit.  

I learned that even though I still don't have the stamina to jog 3 miles, I can still walk it.  I finished 2.85 miles yesterday.  I would have gone the full 3 miles, but I apparently miscalculated the round trip and arrived back at home a little shy of my mark.  My pace was extremely slow (18min/mile) but I don't care one bit.  The fact that I just got out there and did it is a win in my books.

I learned that now that the weather is warmer, my plans to go to the gym on Sundays may have to be altered.  I may be ditching the gym on the weekends and focusing my efforts to Couch to 5K.  I can still get cardio and strength training at the gym in during the week - and then go for a jog on Saturday, Sunday, or both.

I learned that yelling "Bingo!" is a jolt of pure happiness.  It happened, again, yesterday.  Twice in fact.  I won an early game that earned me $37...and I was happy with that.  After my big win a couple of weeks ago, that was enough for me.  Then, the last game of the night came.  The game that I've wanted to win every since I started playing bingo years ago.  It's the Pick 8 game - in which you pick your own 8 numbers to play.  Well, the luck gods were definitely on my side yesterday...and I won the game I've waited 12 years to win.  It earned me $500!!  I'll be giving bingo a break, for a while, as I know when there's only so much luck a person can have.  The wins I've had in the last couple of weeks couldn't have come at a better time.  There's so much stuff that has been needing to be done, but the lack of funds has prevented it.  We've finally been able to get a few of those things done - and now have a couple more that we can check off the list.

I learned that even though I focus on telling myself over and over again that I won't eat fried food - I may still eat it.  Plugging my food in to My Fitness Pal yesterday was nerve wracking.  I had told myself that I would not eat the junk food provided at the bingo hall - and what do I do?  Yep.  I ate it.  You can't win 'em all.  Right?  

But, I also learned that I can eat some fried food - and still be under my calorie goal for the day.  That doesn't just wash the slate clean and give me a free pass.  I know that the sodium alone in the fried food will make me retain water which won't reflect well on the scale.  But, I used that moment of weakness as my main meal for the day - and made sure that everything else I ate was on point.  Leading to still being under my calorie goal by 400 calories.  

So, as you can see, I learned quite a bit this weekend.  I know that every day isn't going to be perfect.  That doesn't set the tone for who I am.  It was one of the reasons I didn't want to post goals in the first place.  I worried about what would happen, and what I'd feel like if I didn't complete all of them.  But you know what?  I feel OK.  I know I wasn't perfect and there's still lots of room for improvement.  I know I'm still learning.  After going at this process for as long as I have, I know that I'm going to be fighting battles of temptation, laziness, and defeat every single day.  I'll win some.  I'll lose some.  It doesn't mean I'll give up on the war. 

This past week, compared to the last many weeks, has proven to be a good week.  By just tweaking a few things here and there, I don't feel so lost or defeated or confused.  For the first time in way too long, I have a feeling of hope inside of me.  I'm back on the right track.  That's for sure.  And nothing can stop me now.

Till next time. ;)

There Are Definitely Some Changes Taking Place Up In Here

Dear Diary...

I'm feeling really good this morning.  I can't quite pinpoint the reason that I'm feeling so good.  It's quite possible that Hubby spiked my coffee this morning with some happy pills.  No.  That can't be right.  I don't think for a second that Hubby has a secret stash of happy pills.  Although, now that I think about it....

There has to be another explanation to why I'm feeling so peppy at 9am on a Sunday morning.  It wasn't from a wonderful night of sleep.  I went to bed a little after midnight, and for some reason woke up a few times in the night for no reason whatsoever.  That seems to be a common thing with me and Saturday nights, lately.  For the past few weeks, I've had trouble getting a good night's sleep on Saturday night. 

Could my chipperness have something to do with the day I had yesterday?  Could it have something to do with the kick ass week I've had?  I'm thinking Yes. And Yes! 

Let's start with this week, shall we?  You've heard how I've been doing - because I've told you about it every day.  I'm not going to go on with every minuet detail, or indulge my little secrets of some of the things that haven't been on point.  That's what my Tuesday confession posts are for.  I fall in to that pit every week.  I confess every day, and then when Tuesday comes around - I'm lost at what I can confess.  This week, I'm keeping some stuff locked away until Tuesday.

So, let's move on to the day I had yesterday.  It started out with my planning on going out to return the knockoff Toms I bought a few days ago, and doing some grocery shopping.  Then, it turned in to needing to find somewhere to get Jelly's haircut - cause she needed it.  She's 4 and has never had a hair cut.  In my defense, the child was bald until she was 2 1/2...so her long hair has developed over the past year.  I found out that Smart Style at our Wal-Mart was having a $8 hair cut promotion...so that's where we headed first.

Once we got there, I decided that I would get a hair cut.  It's something I've been wanting to do for a while - but I was holding off.  The reason I was holding off was stupid.  I don't feel "pretty" when I'm not doing well with my weight - and getting a hair cut means "prettifying" myself.  But, I remembered that I've had a pretty good week - and it might not hurt to give myself a little reward.  So I did.  And you know what?  I love it.  I wish I could share a pic with you right now - but I didn't take a pic after it was cut yesterday, and it doesn't look very good at this very second.

After getting my hair cut, I developed this change within myself.  I liked the way it looked.  I liked the way it felt.  That good feeling swam through my veins.  I realized how good I felt after only one week of eating better, logging my foods, and making small goals each day.  I could look at myself in the mirror and see what I'm working towards, and got a glimmer of hope that I am definitely on the right track.

Once my hair cut was finished, Hubby asked if I wanted to get something to eat at the fried chicken place in the Wal-Mart.  Without even stopping to think about it, I said NO!  I hadn't eaten all day (my bad), and I was hungry - but I just couldn't even fathom eating it.  I chose to go hungry for the time being, until I could get something more healthy.  NSV or what?

I will admit that I didn't eat anything until I got home - which was around 4pm.  That's not good.  That's bad, actually.  I didn't eat anything all day.  Then, when I got home, I made myself a ham and cheese sandwich and a turkey and cheese sandwich.  I also ate some Cheetos later on in the evening.  That's not good, but I knew a few Cheetos wasn't going to kill me - especially after I'd turned down a plate of fried chicken earlier.  My total calorie intake for yesterday was 724 calories.  That's not something I should be proud of.  Anything less than 1200 calories is dangerous.  But it was one day, and not something I plan on doing a lot of.  I feel that I'd rather have 724 calories and be way below my goal than to splurge on fried chicken and be over my calories. 

I think that yesterday was kind of a cleanse to my system.  I was faced with a choice.  Being that I was hungry, it would have usually been a no brainer to visit a fast food place and grab something quick to eat.  But my progress this week, and the new hair cut that was a step in beautifying myself halted my heels and made me take a step back and weigh out the situation.  I know that wouldn't have happened a month ago, or even a week ago. 

Right now, I'm sitting in my work-out clothes.  My goal for today was to go to the gym while the kids were at church.  But, the weather is so nice out - I've decided to go for a walk/jog.  It's a 3 mile stretch from my house, down the road, and back...so that's what I'm going to do. 

Then, once the kids are picked up, I'm going to go play bingo.  All by myself.  

Goals for today?

• Walk/jog for at least 30 minutes
• Eat at least 3 meals
• Avoid fried food or any kind of junk food at the bingo hall

Till next time. ;)

Saturday Morning Coffee Break - Let's Talk Shoe Shopping!!

Dear Diary...

I'll admit, I've already had a couple cups of coffee this morning.  But, I'm still drinking it - so I can write while drinking the cup I'm drinking right now.  I've got quite a lot to say, this morning, so you might want to grab that big mug of coffee before you start reading.  Or maybe you'll need to take a refill break half way through - totally up to you.  I'll still be here, waiting for you.

I'm a little miffed this morning.  Miffed is a word, because it didn't highlight when I typed it.  My definition of miffed is a little upset.  Not enough to be pissed, but on the verge of being disgruntled.  I just checked the actual definition of "miffed" and came back with the same results.  Wow, I'm a pretty good walking dictionary.

Anywho, when you read my blog, you probably notice those ads that pop up under each post - and the Amazon ads that appear on the side bar.  There's a reason I have those ads.  Cause I thought it might earn me a couple of bucks once or twice a year. 

Well, this morning, I decided to have a looksy at how effective those ads are.  If anyone actually clicks on them - and if I've actually earned any money.  Well, I was quite surprised to see that I have, in fact, earned some money.  So, I decided to click the Adsense button that would lead me to my account so that I could have a check issued.  And guess what happened?  I get a message that my account has been disabled due to "term violation".  That's it.  No explanation of what violation I apparently violated.  No explanation of how I can fix the problem.  And absolutely no way to contact them to find out what the heck is going on.  How very convenient. 

So, then I visit the Amazon site that manages the money I've made from those ads.  What do my eyes see before me?  My account has been disabled because residents of Arkansas are no longer permitted to participate in the program.  Urm.  When did that happen?  I don't remember ever seeing an email letting me know this tidbit of information.  I don't remember ever being contacted by someone saying "we're sorry, but you live in a state that no longer allows us to pay you for advertising our products - so you can go ahead and remove the ads if you want".  Why would they do that?  Not being able to pay me means they're getting free advertising, right?  The whole thing has ticked me off, so I'm now happy to report that you won't be bothered by those ads anymore.  I've removed them.  If I'm going to allow space on my blog to be taken up by billion dollar companies, then I expect a couple of bucks thrown my way. If not, well, then I'll do my own advertising of the products I think are worthy of being advertised - for free.

Speaking of which - let's advertise right now, shall we?

Yesterday, I did something I never thought I'd do.  I bought something I have been saying for over a year that I would never buy.  In fact, I bought two of those somethings.  Wanna know what it was?  Toms.  The shoes.

If you don't know what Toms are, you've either been living under a rock - or you are living in a place that haven't jumped aboard the Toms Train.  It seems like, in my neck of the woods, Toms are the new Nike's.  Everyone has them.  Kids.  Adults.  Pretty much every teacher I've ever met or work with.  There's nothing fantastically amazing about the look of Toms.  They are canvas shoes that are supposed to be extremely comfortable.  That's it.  BUT, for every pair of Toms sold, the company donates a pair of shoes to a child in need.  So, even though the shoes are pretty expensive - for what they are - they are for a good cause.

This is the style that I ordered yesterday:

Don't they just SCREAM me?  Pink and sparkly.  My two middle names.  These would normally run you about $60... but I managed to snag a pair from an authorized Toms seller for $40.  So, if I figure that's $20 for my shoes and $20 for the shoes that will be donated to a child - it's not such a bad deal.  But, ordering them online means that I will have to wait a week or two to get them.  Blah.  That stinks.

That was, until I found out there was an authorized seller in my area.  A shoe store that actually sells them?  Where I could get a pair right there on the spot?  I just had to go.  And I did.  And I found a pair that I loved - and I could wear right out of the store!!

Just the night before, I had gone to a department store that sells their own version of Toms.  They don't look exactly the same, but they were 1/3 of the price.  I wore a pair of them yesterday, and I was in more pain from wearing them than I would have been wearing 6" heels to work.  When I got to the Toms store, and was able to put on a real pair of Toms - my feet felt like they were being wrapped in little clouds.  They were soft, comfy, and even the blisters that had formed on my feet from the knock-offs were telling me how grateful they were that I'd freed them from the torture from the other shoes.

Thankfully, I bought the other shoes from a store that allows returns on shoes that have been worn - so I will be returning the death shoes today.  The money I'll get back from the 3 pairs that I bought will make up for one pair of the Toms...and I'm totally OK with that!

I've never been one to spend more than $20 on a pair of shoes.  Even my new training shoes were only $35 - which I considered to be a splurge buy.  I'm pretty thrifty when it comes to my shoes - even though I have TONS of them.  I'm also not one to jump on a big band wagon and buy shoes just because everyone else has them.  But this is one time that I'm glad I did both.  I spent a lot of money on a pair of shoes (actually two pairs) and I jumped on a band wagon.  BUT, I can honestly say I now know why so many people wear them.  If they stay as comfortable as they were last night - having two feet that felt like they were put in vice grips all day long and the pain instantly disappearing once the Toms were placed on my feet - then they are definitely worth every penny.

OK, coffee break over.  You can now get back to doing what you were doing.  I would like to know, though, do you own a pair of Toms?  What do you think of them?

Before I go - here are my goals for today:

• Stay under my calorie limit
• Go for a walk for at least 30 minutes
• Try and jog some of that 30 minutes

Till next time. ;)