Ready for Some Progress Pics??

Well, this post has taken a lot longer to write than I had originally intended.  The plan was to post updated progress pics after every 20lbs lost.  The first 20lbs was supposed to be gone about a month ago... but I just managed to break through the barrier last week.  So, it's time to get those progress pictures, right?

Back in July, when I decided to get back on the weight loss wagon, I weighed 265lbs.  The plan was to lose 20lbs in two months.. but it was slow moving in the beginning.  I finally decided to ask my doctor for some help, and in August, I was given weight loss pills.

The first month, I dropped an amazing 11lbs. Going from 265lbs down to 254lbs. I was so happy with that.  Eleven pounds in a month was awesome...and I figured that month two would be just as successful.  Not so much.  The second month I only dropped a couple of pounds.  I went down from 254lbs to 249lbs.  Still leaving me with four more pounds until that 20lbs lost mark.  

This past week, I finally broke through the barrier, and weighed in at 243.8lbs.  Putting me at a loss of 21.2lbs since August.  

Here is a pic of me in July...weighing 265lbs.

And here is a pic of me, taken last Wednesday, weighing 243.8lbs

The only way to tell the difference, right off the bat, is because of the phone.  I really wish I hadn't blocked my face in the first picture.  But, upon a more thorough check, it does appear that my waist line looks a little smaller.  Sure, there are still bumps and rolls that I'm not happy about, but they look to be quite a bit smaller than in the first picture.

Here's another picture of me when I was at 265lbs...the side view...

And that same pose at 243.8lbs...

Again, not a HUGE difference...but definitely somewhat smaller than the first photo.  Especially in my rear area.  

I, honestly, thought that after losing 20lbs that the differences would be a lot more apparent.  A significant difference.  But, as I'm seeing, that's not so much the case.  Surely, after this next 20lbs is gone, there will be no doubt in the obvious changes between those pictures and my beginning pictures.  

It's a little disheartening to know that I've lost 20lbs and don't really have that much to "show" for it... but it does reinforce how much I really have to lose, which motivates me to keep going.  I'm really pumped to get rid of this next 20lbs because I really want to see the noticeable changes in my body.  I want to look at progress pictures and realize how many changes 40lbs lost can do.

The first 20lbs took me way too long.  I was on track to lose 20lbs in two months, and slipped off the rails a little.  I'm not going to let that happen again.  While I'm not setting any deadlines or goals or timelines, I am focused on seeing the scale go down each week.  

The only way I can do that is to continue doing what I'm doing.  Watching my portions, taking my pills, and making myself exercise as often as I can.  

Despite how long it took, I am proud that I have lost 20lbs.  Sure, I have an extremely long way to go.. but 20lbs is still a significant amount of weight.  Think of two 10lbs pounds of potatoes.  Lifting one of those things is hard enough, but to know that I have lost the equivalent to two of those is quite extraordinary.  

And something to be very happy about.

I've decided that as long as the scale is moving in the right direction, I'm happy.  I know that I have the ability to lose the weight.  I know that I have the willpower.  I will just keep doing what I'm doing...and I'll eventually get to where I need to be.

That's if for me....

Till next time!

Weigh In Wednesday

                                

It's going to be a quick post today.  I have to hurry because I'm dealing with a water leak under our house, and I have to go take a shower pretty soon that will require in and out as soon as possible as to not waste anymore water than necessary.

It's been a pretty stressful week, and that is apparent in my weight today.

Last week, I weighed 244.8lbs.

This week, I weigh 243.8lbs.

I've lost a pound this past week.  A loss is a loss, but it's not exactly much to write home about.  

And do you really want me to write the same old stuff?  

I've decided that as long as the scale is moving in the right direction, I won't beat myself up too much. I know I could be doing a lot more, but the small efforts I am making are having some impact...and that's better than nothing.

I know some people will translate that last paragraph in to me starting to give up.  That's NOT true.  I'm just tired of being so negative about my weight loss.  I know what work has to be done, and if I'm not doing the work I have no one else to blame but myself.

I'm pretty stressed out right now, and if I can still make it through that stress by watching what I eat, and managing to lose a little weight... I can be OK with that.

I am very happy that I made it through Halloween without going crazy on candy.  That's a victory.  There is and has been candy in my house since Halloween.  I'm not going to say I haven't eaten any of it, but what I have eaten has been a small piece here and there.  Far from overdoing it.  

I have been packing my lunch each day, and I've been on a soup thing for a little over a week.  I've been buying those low calorie, throw in a microwave and eat kind.  They aren't the most healthy option in the world, but they don't hurt my calorie intake, they fill me up, and I love the variety of flavors that I can choose from.  There aren't any more calories in a bowl of that soup than there is in a sandwich.  So, I figure it's not that bad of a choice.

All in all, I'm just happy that there is some weight loss.  

And, now I need to go and hurry and take a shower.

Weigh In Wednesday: Finally Moving in the Right Direction....Again!

                            

It's been three weeks since I posted a Weigh In Post.  Mostly because there hasn't been any weight lost in the past three weeks.  In that time I've been holding steady at 246lbs, wondering if I'd ever break through that plateau.

To be fair, I can't really call it a plateau.  A plateau is when you stop losing weight while still doing everything you can to lose the weight....and it means you have to up your game.  I hit a wall because I stopped trying.  To lose, anyway.  I was managing to maintain, which meant I wasn't doing anything my doctor told me I needed to be doing.

This past week, I've gone back to trying again.  Eating 1200 calories a day.  Taking my pill.  There hasn't been any steady walking, and I really have no reason why.

What I can say is that since last week, I've lost 1.2lbs.  This week, my scale says 244.8lbs.

A month ago, I was dying to get to that spot.  To be under 245lbs...and to have lost more than 20lbs.  But, because it's taking me so stinking long to get to it, its kinda lost its pazazz.  

Losing 20lbs in 2 months was going to be awesome.

Losing 20lbs in 3 months, just isn't as awesome.

I will take some pictures this morning when I go get dressed so you can see the difference from three months ago and today.  Although I'm really hoping that it won't be 3 months until I can post the next set of progress pictures.  

Of course, these next two months are going to be TOUGH!!  Halloween is just a day away.  Thanksgiving is just a month away.  And Christmas will follow a few weeks later.

This is usually the time of year where I start thinking that it's not worth trying to lose weight.  Just focus on sensibility as to not gain it all back.

I can't do that, this time.

My doctor has told me that if there is no weight loss, there's no pill.  And even though I know I could lose the weight without the pill, I'm also confident that the pill is giving me the boost I need.  It doesn't curb my hunger, but it does curb the cravings.  I can eat... but I can't eat as much.  And the pill also messes with my senses.  Smells that I used to find absolutely irresistible are now kind of nauseating.

But that only happens when I'm taking the pill.

The minute I start to falter, the cravings come back.  The over eating comes back.  And the irresistible smells are once again irresistible.

In the three weeks that I maintained, I took my pill maybe a couple of times.  And even after visiting the doctor the last time, and hearing his warnings about not getting the pill anymore if it wasn't helping, I didn't jump right back in to taking it.  Somehow, I was trying to convince myself that I didn't need it.

But, I started taking it again this week...and BAM.  Down another pound.

While I don't want to become subservient to the pill, and depend on it being the only way to lose the weight, I do feel that it's helping kick start my motivation.  The proof is in the pudding that I'm not ready to fly solo.  I absolutely, 100% believe that when I'm ready... when I've lost enough weight to really keep the momentum going... I'll be ready to say goodbye to the pill without putting the weight back on.  I maintained for 3 weeks without the pill, I know that I'll be just fine when I do decide to give it up for good.

So, there we are.  Finally back on the horse and losing the weight.  

Even though I'm not as stoked for reaching this milestone... only because it took so long... I will say that I do feel pretty happy.  I can see the changes my body has started to make.  I can feel some of the differences.  

Last night, as I was walking out to my car after a very long Family Night at work, one of my coworkers stopped me.  She wanted to tell me that even though she hasn't said anything before, she had noticed that I was really looking good.  

It was perfect timing for such a wonderful compliment.

It meant a lot for her to say something, and I know that she meant it.  It turned around my whole perspective on my visual success....and I got to leave with a big smile on my face.

Yes, I am starting to look better.  Still have a long way to go until I believe I look "good"... but I'll get there.

PLUS, if I can lose weight over the next couple of months, then NOTHING will ever stand in my way.  I'm confident and ready to prove to myself that holidays or no holidays, my weight loss comes first!!

OK... next time you hear from me, I'll have progress pictures to share.

Till next time!!

Weekly Check-In

I really don't mean to only be writing here once a week.  I just really don't have that much to share, and then I find that I get myself in to a rut of repeating the same thing over, and over, and over again.

I'm doing OK.

I'm still hanging in there.

Even though the kids' sports all ended, last week wasn't any less crazy or busy.  I spent Monday and Tuesday night at Parent Teacher conferences.  Tuesday, I didn't even get home until midnight because Butter had his last football game - that I couldn't go to - so after I was all finished with conferences, I had to wait until he got back...and it was close to 11PM.

I did get two days off of work this week, though.  And the sad part is that even though I got time off work, I really didn't do much with those days.  In terms of helping my weight loss situation.  It would have been a perfect time to get out and do some walking...but I didn't.  I wanted to rest.  I wanted to relax.  

I have been a little better about taking my pills this week.  And watching what I've been eating.  I haven't logged everything I've eaten, but my decisions about what I have eaten have been more sensible.  

These past few weeks I've felt like a failure.  I've felt like I've slowly been falling off the side of a cliff.  At times I am desperately trying to hold on, and others I think it would be easier just to let go.  

I had such spirit and motivation a couple of months ago.  And so much success.  I lost a HUGE amount of weight that first month, and I'm not sure why that wasn't enough to keep me motivated to continue doing what I was doing.  But it wasn't.  I've had to be so diligent with myself.  Stopping myself doing something I know I'll regret, eating too much.  And it's a hard pill to swallow.  

Yesterday, I decided to put away all of my summer clothes and get out my fall/winter closet.  As I was unpacking the cute sweaters and pants, I wondered to myself if the pants would even fit.  They are size 18, most of them.  Have I lost enough for them to be used?  Or will I be left with a bunch of clothes hanging in my closet that don't fit?

One good thing is that I haven't gained any weight since I last checked in.  I'm still teetering around the 246lbs mark.  That's what I weighed on Wednesday, however, I haven't checked since then.  I'm maintaining my weight, but I still weigh far too much to get to such a plateau.  I know I haven't stalled losing weight because I'm at a point where I need to up my game.  It's simply following through on what I was doing.  Being consistent with 1200 calories a day, for one.  And then if I did the walking my doctor told me to do, I know that the weight would disappear.  

So, why is it such a mental game to get myself to do it?

It's not as though it's hard.  I'm not really having to do a lot of work to do those two little things.  I plan my food, I go for a walk.  Simple.  Yet, I'm the person that makes it 100 times harder than it needs to be, and is the main reason why the scale hasn't moved in a few weeks.

I think back a few weeks to the amount of people that were noticing the changes I was making.  I was receiving daily compliments and questions about what I was doing to lose the weight.  People were noticing that my body was starting to look a little different.  

Those have all stopped now.  Changes aren't as apparent anymore.  No, I haven't gained anything back... but by this point in time I should be another 20lbs or so lighter.  I should be celebrating another notch down in the belt buckle, another size down in my pant size, pictures of solid change.

I honestly don't know what's wrong with me.  Yes, I'm having a little pity party for myself...something else I said I'd stop doing.  But it's frustrating.  Being at the controls of my own body and mind, yet still having so much trouble getting them to do what I want them to do.  I have the desire, but I suck at the follow through.

I'm not going to give up.  I can't.  I'll hold on to the edge of the cliff for as long as it takes.  

I just need to focus on taking one day at a time, again.  I'm convinced that at some point, something will click inside of me to really fuel my fire and get me off my caboose to losing MAJOR weight.  Until that happens, I just have to mentally take tiny little steps.  Get through a day without slipping on my food intake.  Taking my pill.  Eating three meals and calculating the calories.  Just little steps in the right direction.  

Hopefully I'll be here on Wednesday showing some form of a gain.  Let's all keep our fingers crossed.  

People tell me all the time how hard weight loss is... but, when I sit down like I am right now, I realize that it's really not.  It's more about giving up a lifestyle that becomes so comfortable... so easy.  The steps to lose weight are all VERY easy.  But, it's the follow through.  The mindset.  The complete and utter change to the comfortable and normal that's the difficult part.

And that's the stuff I need to focus on right now.

Till next time!

That's One Way to Kick Off a Good Week!

Yesterday, I got hit with the 24 hour stomach bug that has plagued my house this week.  

First, Jelly had it on Wednesday.  She got sent home from school, and had to stay off Thursday because there's a 24 hour no throw up rule before returning back to school.  Then, Butter had it.  On Thursday.  And again on Saturday... but, I think his was medicine related.  The second time around.  He took a pain pill on an empty stomach, and it made him throw up.  

Saturday, the kids and I went and saw P-Momma for a while.  When I got home, Hubby informed me that he'd spent most of the day throwing up.

Awesome.

Usually, I can get away with avoiding stuff like that.  Sickies can fleet around my family and I'm usually lucky enough to make it out unscathed.  Not this time around, however.  It hit me hard yesterday, and I spent the entire day either in bed or throwing up.  

Awesome.  Again.

The only stuff that went in to my body yesterday was water and a cup of Sprite.  Which neither lasted any amount of time before they were back out of my body.  

After a day of being sick and not eating anything, I was kinda hoping that the scale would show me that I dropped something crazy like 5lbs in a day.... but no such luck.  Stupid scale.  Apparently, starving myself and throwing up is NOT the way to go for losing weight.  Darn.

Today kicks off my Doctor's Orders month of no whining and no excuses. Starting today, I'm going back to basics.  1200 calories that are logged and calculated.  No slipping, no faltering, no "one little bite won't hurt me" mentality.  My plan is to really bring it home and lose a ton of weight.  So, when I walk back in to his office at the end of the month, I can show him that I really am determined and I can live by a no-excuse mentality.  

Being that fall has been in full force the past couple of days, I want to get out all the cute fall/winter clothes I have stored away that were a little too small for me last year.  That's my number one goal at this point.  I have no idea how much weight I need to lose in order for it to happen, but I know that this time last year there were several items of clothing I had to bypass because I could no longer fit them over my expanding behind.

NOT THIS YEAR!

My doctor also told me that he wants me walking for 30 minutes at least 3 times a week.  I told him that I wanted to start running again, but he asked me to hold off on that for a while.  Only because I have bad knees, and he's worried that too much impact may end up causing me knee problems... especially with the time of the year.  When it starts getting chilly outside, the joints in my knees start getting all funky on me.  He thinks that I should just focus on power walking for a while, and that I could probably start thinking about running when I'm down another 20lbs or so.  

Well, being that this week is a short week at work, I'm thinking that I'll start off my two days off by walking.  Today and tomorrow, I'll be at school until after 8PM due to parent teacher conferences, so there won't be time to walk either day.  Wednesday I will be spending some time in my classroom making sure that I don't have too much work to take home with me for fall break.  Then, Thursday and Friday I'm off work....so I can spend some time thinking about exercising.  

It's definitely time.

One thing I really have to focus on this month is being regular with my pill.  Last month, I was very sporadic with taking it.  In fact, I haven't actually taken the pill in over a week.  A lot of it has to do with forgetting.  I am supposed to take the pill around 10AM, but I'm in the middle of teaching at that time.  I sometimes forget about it until after lunch, and then it's too late.  I'm thinking that this week, I'm going to try taking the pill at 8AM...before my kids come in to the classroom.  We'll see.

My doctor truly believes that if I take my pill every day, eat 1200 calories per day, and walk three times a week for at least 30 minutes, I have a HUGE potential of dropping some serious weight this month.  My first month, I lost 11lbs by doing hardly any exercise.  He thinks I could double that number if I add the regular exercise in to the routine.

How awesome would that be?  Twenty plus pounds in a month?  Is that even possible?

I've even thrown a little incentive in to the mix.  Not for me, however.  

Peanut has been begging me to let her get highlights in her hair.  I'm extremely opposed to the idea because I know how damaging hair color can be, and I think she's a little too young to start doing stuff like that.  

Especially since she straightens her hair quite a bit.  

But, I'm also not opposed to a little wheeling and dealing either.  I have made a pact with her that when I drop 60lbs...I'll let her highlight her hair.  For every pound I lose, that's $1 I'll spend on her hair...and I want it done professionally, so it will cost about $60.  That means, when I get down to 185lbs, she can get her hair done.

At first she wasn't very happy about it.  But, when she heard that I have the potential of losing that amount of weight in about 6 months, she was a little more open to it.  The alternative was her waiting until she is 16.  

Peanut's 14th birthday is in April, and I would LOVE to have lost the weight by then so that she can get her hair done for her birthday.  Plus, she graduates from 8th grade in May...so the timing would be perfect.  That means I really have to buckle down and get this weight off in time.

I usually try and come up with some reward for myself... but I think it might be a little more motivational if I know that one of my kids gets something out of it.

In order to grant her wish, I have to lose 10lbs a month for the next 6 months.  Totally doable.  If I lose more than that, even better.

So, that's what's going on with me right now.  But it's time for me to go and get ready for work.

Till next time!!

Doctor Orders Me to Quit My Whining

I'm still here.  Fighting the good fight.  The fight is just being fought outside the realms of Blog World, simply because I haven't wanted to get out of bed a single day this week in time to write two blog posts.  A couple of days there wasn't even time to write one blog post.

I missed my weekly weigh in and the post recapping my monthly check up with my doctor.  The weigh was kinda sorta missed on purpose, because I really didn't need another depressing week of little results on top of the huge amount of stress I have been under.  And the huge amount of stress isn't anything major, it's just a lot of little stressful things all piled up on top of each other....causing me to feel like I'm under a LOT of stress.

My doctor's visit was somewhat therapeutic.  Somewhat needed for the "poor me" attitude I was putting on myself.  My weigh in wasn't good because of the stress.  The stress was causing me to overeat and turn to food - once again- as a refuge.  

And my doctor had just one thing to say about it all:  QUIT YOUR WHINING!!

Yep.  That's what he had to say to me.  

Let's back up and explain.  

I got to my appointment, and went back to weigh.  

At my first appointment, I weighed 262lbs.  On my second appointment, I weighed 251lbs...down 11lbs from my first visit.  This time, I weighed and the scale said 249lbs.

I knew that wasn't right.  I had weighed that morning and the scale had said 246lbs.  But, it was 4:30 in the afternoon, I had eaten breakfast and lunch and drank a few gallons of water throughout the day. Either way, though... I lost 2lbs or I lost 5lbs.  Neither one anything to write home about.  

The doctor came in, looked at my results, and just asked why I thought I was able to lose 11lbs in my first month but only a couple of pounds my second.  He asked me if I was under any stress.  I laughed, and started listing off everything that has been going on in my life, recently, to answer his question.  I fully expected him to nod his head in understanding and give me a soothing talk about how I really needed to find a way to dispel some of the stress if I wanted the weight to be gone.

He didn't.

He simply said "Everyone has excuses, and you need to quit your whining and deal with them".  Urm.  What?  That's not what a caring doctor would say to a patient that's stressed and unhappy with the fact that she's turned back to food as a form of comfort, and is slowing down the awesome progress she had in her first month.

He saw the obvious shock in my face, because he then asked me if there had been any stress my first month in.  I thought about it.  It was the month I went back to work.  The kids started their sports, but they weren't in to playing many games.  I remember being pretty emotional about some of the changes that were taking place at school and the impact they had on my classroom.  I was going to be working a long side a co-teacher, having the special education kids in my room for math and reading.  That was new and different and a little stressful.  But, then I simply told him that it was nothing compared to what I'd dealt with this month.

He laughed and said "Bull!"  

Again, I was shocked.  Who on earth was this doctor to speak to me this way?

But, he then responded with the fact that of course I was under stress the previous month.  I just had a better grasp on how to deal with it.  OK, the current month had put a little more on my plate than I could handle...but he asked me how many times I'd gone for a walk to release my stress.  A strategy I had told him a month earlier myself for dealing with stress.  He asked me how many times I had stopped before eating something to calculate my calories, and determine if I'm supposed to eat it or I was just eating it for the sake of eating it.  A strategy I had, once again, told him I used a month earlier.  He asked me how many times I'd logged my food intake.  A strategy I told him I used when I felt like my eating was getting a little out of control, in order to help me process how much I was actually eating.

And then it all clicked.

He was doing exactly what I needed him to do.  Throw my own words back in my face.  Throw my own excuses under the bus.  Highlight the fact that I had sat in that very same chair only a month earlier telling him the strategies I was using to battle stress...my original reason for being so overweight.

The realization on my face softened his demeanor just a little.  He looked me square in the eyes and told me that there will ALWAYS be stress.  I knew that, had said the very same thing to him on our first visit together.  I had come to that first check-in meeting full of pride and excitement over the fact that I had been battling everything thrown in my way, and still lost 11lbs in a month.  Yet, the person in front of him at that moment was full of shame and guilt.  I knew that what I was feeding him were excuses.  That there was NO reason to overeat unless I give myself one.  Food is not a fix-all, it's poison....if I look at it with that attitude.  I should be looking at food as nothing more than fuel.  

He then used a pretty good analogy that I would never have thought of.  He asked me if I was old enough to remember Leaded gasoline.  I wasn't old enough to drive when leaded gasoline was available, but I did remember the days when my parents had the option of leaded or unleaded fuel for their cars.  Leaded gasoline was banned because of the toxic poisons that were being emitted in to the atmosphere.  It was cheaper to make, but was actually causing people to get sick.  Thus, resulting in an alternative approach being invented: Unleaded fuel.  

He then asked me that if Leaded fuel was made available again, at a much cheaper cost to what we're currently paying for gas...knowing that it could cause severe damage to my vehicle AND me....would I opt to use Leaded gasoline, or stick to paying for the more expensive, healthier option?

I sat there and looked at him for a moment.  He wasn't finished.  He went on to explain that I could go ahead and use the Leaded version because of the money it would save, but eventually my car would start to have problems.  It's a new car, one not built to handle leaded gasoline.  It would start to have problems.  Stuff would stop working.  The car would start to run a lot less efficiently, and would end up in the shop needing major, expensive repairs.

He asked me if I knew where he was going with all of this....

And I did.

My body isn't built to handle the crap I put in to it.  It starts to lag, store up the junk that's being pumped in to it because it doesn't know what to do with the fat and oil that's not healthy for my system.  It causes fatigue.  It causes pain in the joints and muscles.  

A healthy body runs on healthy fuel.  Enough to keep all the parts running smoothly, but not too much where anything has to be stored because the body doesn't know what to do with it.  

I am an unleaded vehicle pumping myself with toxic, leaded fuel.

Freakin' GENIUS analogy!!

My doctor must be a car man, because he told me that I also wouldn't keep filling my car up with fuel if it just sat in the garage everyday.  Also, leaving my car in the garage and never using it would cause belts to start drying out, gears that become sticky and caked in gunk, and an engine that would collect dust and debris from not being used.  Meaning, if I'm not exercising very often, I don't need to be eating very much.  If I'm not exercising, I'm not keeping my parts in working order and causing them to collect gunk that needs to be driven out.  

He's absolutely RIGHT!!  And what a perfect way to help me see it.  I am not doing myself any favors by being sedentary.  I'm not doing myself any favors by overeating or stress eating or eating junk food because it's quick, cheap, and available.  I have got to get myself up and out of the garage....and see what my engine is capable of.

I go back in a month.  At that time he wants no excuses.  He wants nothing more than results.  Good results.  There is no number attached to those results...because he said I will know if I've done everything I could do to show how committed I am.  The numbers will speak for themselves if I've spent the month 100% committed to my plan, my focus.  

And he's right.  Time to remember that again, get back to doing what I was doing before...and knocking his socks off a month from now.  I can do it, I know I can.  I did it the first month.  No reasons or excuses can come in the way of making this next month absolutely AMAZING.

So, that's where I am right now.  

Now is the time to see what I have in me...and focus everything on getting this weight off, and keeping it off.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Till next time!

I Have a Few Days to Make it Right

What a crazy, stressful, busy week it has been.  And, I know I say that quite a bit...and it's always true...but nothing compared to the crazy that's taken place this week.

Monday, volleyball game in Joplin, MO., home around 10PM.  Tuesday, football game at home, home around 10:30PM.  Wednesday, was supposed to be my one and only free night, that was until Butter broke his wrist at practice resulting in us being at the ER until almost 1AM.  Thursday, another volleyball game at home followed by a home football game of one of her best friends, home around 11PM.  Friday, a volleyball field trip to the University of Arkansas to watch the Lady Razorbacks play volleyball, home around 11PM.  Yesterday, afternoon I went in to work trying to get some stuff caught up, but not succeeding in the slightest, home around 6:30PM.

And you think I exaggerate when I say I lead a hectic life?

If you're wondering about the whole broken wrist thing, you should really read my other blog... I went in to great detail about it there.  If you didn't read it, the short of it is Butter was tackled at football practice and landed on his wrist.  It dislocated his growth plate and fractured the forearm bone.  They had to call in an orthopedic surgeon to pop the growth plate back in to place, because leaving it could have resulted in permanent damage to his wrist, possibly with him not being able to use that wrist again.  My poor boy went through it that night, and he's been recovering ever since at my mom's house.  He was supposed to go back on Tuesday to get a hard cast put on, but he's still in so much pain that I'm calling the doctor tomorrow to see him again. 

So, this entire week has revolved around my kids.  Not that I mind.  That's what a parent does, right?  Puts their kids first and goes without sleep so that they can do the things they want to do.

And I wish that I could say that while all this crazy was going on, I was diligent with my eating and taking my pill and doing everything I'm supposed to do in order to get this weight off.  But, then I'd be lying.  

I was supposed to go to my doctor's appointment on Wednesday.  I had already made the decision to reschedule, because I was having a sub on Thursday and had absolutely no time to prepare.  It was a good thing I did reschedule, because with Butter's accident I wouldn't have been able to go anyway.  I'm going, instead, this Thursday.

The bad news is I haven't been near as diligent as I should have been.  The good news is I haven't had much time to eat, so rather than spending all that time overeating.. I've ended up under my calorie goal most days.  There has been quite a bit of fast food, though.  

Being that I've been so sleep deprived and frazzled this week, I've ran out the door a couple of times leaving my breakfast behind.  I've packed light for lunch, and then dinner has been either skipped or we've grabbed food while out.  The grabbed food hasn't been great, but there hasn't been tons of it either.  I haven't opted for burgers and super sized fries every time.  Monday night, we ate at Golden Corral.  I had a plate of food and was full.  On Tuesday, we grabbed half priced burgers at Sonic.  I ate a burger.  On Wednesday, I had fish that Hubby had prepared...a couple of small pieces while running out the door during the dropping off the girls at home and turning back around to get Butter to the hospital.  On Thursday, it was Sonic again.  But this time I went with chicken.  No sides.  Friday, we ate at McDonalds.  So...there has been WAY too much fast food.

Yesterday, I didn't eat anything before eating dinner last night.  We had pot roast, and I ate a small piece of meat and some potatoes.  Eating that made me feel full..a little too full.  

And I took my pill maybe twice all week long.  Again, not good at ALL.

So, this week has basically been a wash.  There just hasn't been anything good come out of it in terms of my dedication to my weight loss.  Thankfully, the crazy is now going to be put behind me after tomorrow.  One last volleyball game of the season, and then it's smooth sailing for a while.  Butter will still be going to football practice, but he won't be able to play.  He has his last game next Tuesday, which just so happens to be the same night as my parent teacher conferences, so I won't get to go.

Being that I have my doctor's appointment on Thursday, I really want to buckle down these next few days and do EVERYTHING that I'm supposed to do.  Eat all three meals, and sensible meals.  Take my pill each day.  Drink gallons of water.  And maybe, just maybe, I can get rid of some of the bloat that's plaguing me.

My usual midweek check on the scale this morning revealed that this week hasn't been as bad to me as I thought it would.  But, then again, I've come to learn that the midweek check in can be misleading.  I end up with a pretty good number on Sunday, but by the time Wednesday rolls around it's not near as good as I thought it would be.  I just need to make sure that I stay on track between now and then.  There's no reason I should gain any weight if I do what I'm supposed to do.

I'm not giving up, though.  Yeah, these past couple of weeks have been rough.  Emotionally and physically draining.  But, I'm not ready to throw in the towel.  I'm not ready to call it quits.  I just look at these weeks as being obstacles I wasn't able to overcome.  Tests, if you will, that I failed.  I may have lost these battles, but the war is still very much in my favor.  I'll still come out victorious.  I haven't lost my momentum or dedication, I just truly haven't had any time to think about either.  Everything else has come first, and as a mother...that's going to happen. 

I wish I could sit here and say that I need to start putting myself first, but the truth is..that will never happen.  My kids will always be my first priority.  And I've heard the argument that I need to put myself first so that I can be here for my kids longer.  But, I won't sacrifice their happiness for my own.  It just means I need to work harder at figuring out how to juggle everything at once.  

I'm just kinda relieved at this point that we didn't decide to put Jelly in to dance classes.  Can you imagine how much more would be piled on my plate had we decided to do that?  Thankfully that wasn't something she wanted to do, and something I wanted her to do.  I think I'll just wait a while until she develops some interests on her own, and then support them when that happens.

One thing I can brag about today is the fact that I ordered a shirt at work in XL instead of 2XL - which is what I'd always ordered before.  The XL fit very well, and doesn't cling to me like they used to.  That shows that I've lost some inches around my waist, and that's something to be happy about.

It's those little moments that help me hang on, stay the course.  Yeah, I'll slip and fall sometimes.. but as long as I get right back up I'll be OK. I'll figure this whole mess out.  I'll eventually get there.  

OK, time for me to go and get some work done.  

Till next time!

Weigh In Wednesday

                           

Oh yeah.  It's one of those weigh in days.  When I stand on the scale and then feel like cursing at it and throwing it out of the window.

For the most part, I know that the scale is pretty honest with me.  It's going to tell me like it is.  Yet, this morning, I know that it's lying.  It's not being honest with me.  Yet, it's not the scale's fault.

Smart one, here (that would be me), decided to not eat dinner until 11PM last night.  

Eating dinner that late is a no-no the night before a weigh in because I KNOW that it's going to skew my results the following morning.  That food laid in my stomach all night, and I've eaten enough late night dinners to know that by tomorrow...the scale will be back to where it's supposed to be.

It wasn't really my fault..eating that late.  I mean, I had planned on eating dinner when I got home from the football game.  But, previous games have ended by 8PM.  Which usually get me home before 9PM... still a little too late to eat, but an hour or two before I actually go to bed.  Last night, the game didn't get over until 9:30, putting me home until almost 11PM.  It was in the door, scarf my food and bed within 15 minutes.  

Last week, I weighed in at 247lbs, which was a slight gain from the previous week.  The week before, I had weighed in at 246.6lbs.

This week, I managed to lose the weight I gained and a little more.  I'm now down to 246lbs.  

Only a one pound loss from last week, and only 0.6lbs down from the previous week's weight before I gained.

Which is a real pain in the rear, because I REALLY wanted to be down to 245lbs this week so I could post my 20lbs lost progress pics.  

What makes matters worse is the fact that I saw that number this past weekend when I stood on the scale for a mid-week check in.  To see that number then got me all excited, but I tried to stay cool... because I always make sure to go with what the scale says on Wednesday as my "official" weigh in.  

And now, because I was stupid and ate so late last night, it's going to be another week before I can see that number.  

I have my doctor's appointment this afternoon.  It's going to be a tough stretch to get that number down to where I want it by then.  Especially since the appointment is at 4PM in the afternoon.  

It's going to be a tough pill to swallow walking in to that doctor's office losing less than 10lbs since my last appointment.  I've only lost 6lbs since my last appointment... a month ago.  Not exactly the best success in the world.  I'm hoping it's good enough for the doctor to keep giving me my medicine.

I am just very thankful that this is the last week that my life will be so darned hectic.  The volleyball season ends on Monday of next week.  Then that's it.  I just have two more football games after that, and I'll be home free.  Back to getting home at a reasonable hour each night.  Back to planning meals, and staying focused on my weight loss rather than how much sleep I'm going to fit in.  

These past couple of weeks may have been slow moving, but I'll get momentum back.  Being gone four nights a week and at least one day on the weekend for sports has taken it's toll on me.  I've made it through, but it's wore me down.  

I actually can't wait for the days when I can go back to spending an hour or so in my classroom doing stuff and then heading on home for some rest and relaxation.  

Until then, though, I'll take whatever loss I can get and run with it.  This last month may not have been the most successful, and not near as good as my first month, but I'll keep my chin up and keep pounding the weight away.  

Slow progress is better than no progress.

That's the way I'm going to look at it.

But, right now, I need to run.

Till next time!

Getting Back on Track

Another week of very few posts from me.  I promise you it's because of the crazy life I'm currently living and NOT because I'm falling off track, and don't want anyone to know about it.

In fact, the last post I wrote - my weigh in post - did kinda say that I was struggling just a little.  So, it wouldn't surprise me that some of you are thinking that I'm swaying off course, and letting myself go.

Just so you know, that's not the case.  In fact, this week has been MUCH better.  Still crazy beyond crazy, but I'm adjusting and monitoring.  I'm surviving and doing what I need to do.

I stood on the scale this morning, just to get an idea of whether or not some of the changes I've made this week have helped.  Let's just say that things are moving, once again, in the right direction.  I'm not going to share specifics, because that's all for Wednesday.  But, it felt good knowing that I'm making some positive changes that are affecting the damage I did last week.

This past week, I have had so much going on that I didn't know if I was coming or going most of the time.  It was homecoming spirit week at work, and I was up and at 'em early each day just so I could get all dressed up for whatever the day's theme was.  Wednesday was the only night I made it home before 9PM.  It was tough to plan and prepare and stay on course during all of it, but I did pretty well...and didn't decide to just throw in the towel.  Even though I felt like it several times.

The way I look at it is if I can make it through these crazy weeks, it should be smooth sailing once my life starts to even out a little more.  Nothing like jumping in head first to the shark tank just to see if I can still swim out alive.  I only have two more weeks left of football and volleyball, and then I can start coming home at a reasonable time once again.  And I won't have games to attend, practices, and all the rest of it.  Life will slow down, and I'll be able to adjust and monitor my progress a lot easier.

My only hope is, that once life does start settling down a little..I can finally make time for some much needed exercise.  The hope is, I'll be so used to go, go, going all of the time, that my body will crave more movement when it's not getting as much.  One can hope, right?

Here lately, even my weekends have become nothing more than blurs of time that go whizzing by.  I've got so much going on that my house has become almost like an acquaintance to me.  Someone I see every now and then.  The short amounts of time I'm here, I'm sleeping.  The house is in desperate need of some attention, and I haven't been around to give it.  

Yesterday I was gone all day, today I'm going to be gone for quite a while.  I just don't even feel like I can sit at home and relax anymore.  There's always something on the calendar, somewhere to go, something to do.  

But, one thing I can say is that even though my eating hasn't been perfect..not even close, really, I'm keeping my head above water.  I had a slight setback this week when I saw my first weight gain in 8 weeks, but I don't think that is something that will happen again this week.  Amid everything that's going on, I am able to take a step back and keep my weight loss a priority.  

I am learning a very valuable lesson in all of this:  Weight loss isn't something that can be planned and prepared for all of the time.  Life gets in the way.  But, if I'm able to keep the progress going with everything that life is throwing at me - I can do this for the rest of my life.  I know it.

I may not be writing all my food down, planning all my meals out ahead of time, running a few miles every other day... but I'm staying conscious of what I'm eating, how much I'm eating, and how much my body is moving, even though it's not planned exercise.

As long as I continue to see the scale moving in the right direction, I know that I must be doing something right.  I forgot that last week, but didn't this week.  I remained focused, I let the number on the scale this week plague me every time I even had a fleeting thought of eating more than I should.  I stayed strong, even though I was exhausted and stressed and emotionally drained.  

I may not be living by the custom set of rules that apply to those trying to lose weight, but it's working for me right now.  I don't have time to do half the stuff I want to do, or plan to do, or need to do.  But, I always have the time to stop and take a second before putting something in my mouth and asking myself if it's worth it.  

I'm continuing on this journey.  It may be a bumpy ride, but I'm holding on...I will not let go.  I will ride these crazy waves out until the storm passes.  Just two more weeks of crazy, and then life can go back to being more calm.  Giving me a chance to reassess, look at any changes that need to be made, and carving away some time to focus on my fitness needs.

This week I make another trek back to my doctor for a progress check.  I'm already accepting the fact that I won't be anywhere near the goal I set for myself, but I will also walk in there knowing there has been several pounds lost.  I will walk in knowing that with everything that has gone on this past month, I'm still losing weight.  I'm still succeeding, even if it's not at the level I had planned.  Success is success.  And that's something I'm going to keep reminding myself.

OK, I have a thousand and one things to do today... and sitting here all morning isn't really one of them.

Till next time!

Weigh In Wednesday

                             

Today is weigh in day, and for the first time in eight weeks, I'm going to be reporting a gain.

I'm not surprised by it.  I kinda knew it was going to come.  

After the rocky end of the week last week, and the not so great weekend, I just knew that I had some damage to undo.  I did better than I thought I would do at undoing that damage, and Aunt Flo came to see me yesterday....so I also know that some of the weight is bloat.

Last week, I weighed in at 246.6lbs.

This week, I went up to 247lbs.

A gain of 0.4lbs.  Not the end of the world.  Not a major gain.  And, most likely not a real gain in the sense that once I lose the water weight I'm currently holding on to, it might not even be a real gain.

When I stood on the scale on Sunday, after that I had that major ordeal with Peanut, I was up to 249lbs.  So, at least I'm not still there today.  I got back down, a little.

I was going to say that I'm not going to beat myself up over such a small gain.  But, in reality, I kinda am.  Just for the simple fact that I let myself go a little... I allowed myself to get off course enough for that gain to be there.  It was my fault, and if I don't stand up and take responsibility... I won't really do anything about getting stronger at avoiding those situations.

I'm still pleased with the progress I've made, overall, but I still have a VERY long way to go.  And it's not time for me to be slacking off in the slightest.  If I don't stay firm.  Committed.  Strong.  I won't get where I need to be.

I've already majorly cleaned up my act since this weekend.  I've been eating what I should...and my only downside since Sunday is that I haven't been eating dinner until around 9PM.  

Tonight is the only night I'll be home at a reasonable hour this entire week, actually.  Tomorrow Peanut has a volleyball game, and then we have the Homecoming Bonfire.  Friday night is Homecoming, and we'll be going to that...and it will undoubtably be a late night.  

I have agreed to take the kids out for dinner Friday night before the game.  And I already know exactly where we're going:  Subway.  They can like it or not.  Subway is a place I feel safe when it comes to staying mindful with my eating.  I know that I can get out of there without being tempted in to eating something I shouldn't.  And, I can feel leaving satisfied and not as though I've just eaten rabbit food.

Alright.  That's what I've got, for now.  Not much more to say.

Except, there won't be a gain showing on the scale next week.  I can promise you that.

Till next time!

It's Been a Rough Few Days

The title really says it all.  It has been a very rough last few days.  Both physically and mentally.

And in terms of weight loss, or the lack thereof.

On Thursday night, my 13 year old daughter got her first experience with heartbreak.  Her boyfriend, for the past three months, decided to break up with her.  For no rhyme or reason.  With no explanation.  Completely unexpectedly.

It shattered my poor daughter into a million pieces.  And I've been trying to glue the pieces back together ever since.

On top of that, I had a day long workshop to attend on Friday, and was at an all day volleyball tournament yesterday.

It's been a very busy few days...and it's left me scrounging around for meal ideas and trying to stay focused.

But, I'll be honest.  I've faltered.  Quite a bit, actually.  According to the scale when I stood on it this morning because I knew that it was going to give me some news to shake me from my lackluster efforts from the past couple of days - and knock me back in to the reality of what I need to be doing.

It's amazing to me how quickly I can go from believing I'm on my way to true healing, breaking away from the desires and urges to eat badly, committing to healthy eating and living, and believing that I'm on the fast track to a whole different path, only to finding myself right back in those very same situations with only a minor push in that direction.

The scale wasn't mean to me this morning, it was downright honest.  This is what happens when you stray...even for a few moments, a few meals.  It takes weeks to burn off a few pounds, but mere days to put them back on.

And if I don't do something right now, this very second... I'll be seeing a gain on the scale on Wednesday, which will be my first gain in seven weeks.

So much for hitting my 20lbs lost milestone.  It will be more like getting back to the weight I was last week.  

When life chooses to throw me curveballs, it always seems to do so all at once.  Several at the same time.  And I'm left ducking and diving to dodge them, but getting struck by several of them.

I did something terrible for my daughter on Friday night.  Something I shouldn't have done, and left me feeling guilty and ashamed.  

While trying to make her feel better, I decided to try doing it with food.  Ice-cream to be more specific.  The break-up food.  Sit down with a tub of ice-cream, and you'll feel better routine.  

What a bad mother I am.  Urging my child to eat junk food to calm her sadness.  Turning her to the one thing I've tried for so long to break free from.  Using food as a comfort, or a friend in time of need.

Thankfully she's got a better head on her shoulders than I do.  She ate some ice-cream, but knew her limits...she's an athlete after all, thank goodness.  She knew that turning to ice-cream wouldn't make her feel better or cure her sadness.  

I could spill out right here the foods I've consumed these past fews days that I'm ashamed of.  I could spill out how I didn't have a choice or they were last minute decisions, even on the back end of careful planning NOT to stray in to eating foods I know I shouldn't be eating.  But, I did it.  No excuses.  My own fault. 

The damage has been done, and there's no going back to change it.  All I can do now is to try and repair the damage I did, and just start this week over.  Again focused and committed.  Again reminding myself of the hard work I've put in, and how I can't let life stop me in my tracks or derail me altogether.

There isn't any room for days off, or little slip ups, or minor splurges.  Because they all lead to trouble.  I've said that I don't have real restrictions on my food intake, being that I keep moderation and portion size in account.  But, that wasn't what was on my mind these past couple of days.

I was hurting.  I was tired.  I was mentally and physically drained.  And then opened up old wounds by turning to food for comfort.  To help me feel better.  To put some kind of handle on my world as it was spinning out of control, and I didn't know what to do about it.

And I wasn't even the one that was dealing with the major heartbreak.  

But to see my daughter in that situation put me right there with her.  Taking me back to all of those times where my heart was broken, when I felt like the earth just stopped turning and I couldn't function without food to make me feel better.  

I thank all things holy that my daughter's way of dealing with this is to cry in her mother's arms.  To lay on her bed reminiscing the times with her boyfriend.  To try and take her mind off of it with playing sports.  

I know I've messed up this week.  I know there has been some damage done.  And now I must move on and fix it.  Take care of it.  Not let it falter me or damage me.  

Just as I've been telling my daughter to do these past few days...

It's time for me to move on.  Start over.  

Happiness is out there for the taking.  And I can't let bad situations blind me from them.

So, I'm going to take my own advice this week....and rock it out.

Till next time!

Weigh In Wednesday

                          

Another weigh-in day is here, and I didn't hit near the amount I wanted to lose this week.

I guess it's a good thing that I'm focusing on the fact that I lost some weight, rather than focusing on not hitting the number I wanted to see.  Which isn't the end of the world.  I know that some weeks will be slower than others, and as long as the number continues to keep going down each time I step on it, I'll be happy.

Last week, I weighed 248.4lbs.  

I really wanted to try and hit 245lbs this week, so that I'd hit the 20lbs lost milestone.  That would have meant losing 3.4lbs.  Which is a pretty tall order.

I didn't make that goal.

I did, however, see 246.6lbs.

That's a loss of 1.8lbs since last week.  Not super outstanding, but still a pretty good loss for a week.  I keep getting told that I should be losing about 2lbs a week...so that lines up with that expectation anyway.

That 20lbs milestone is so close I can taste it.

I can't wait for it to happen, especially since it's been less than 2 months since really buckling down and giving weight loss another try.  I think a loss of 18.4lbs in six and a half weeks is outstanding.  That's an average of 3lbs a week so far...and that's a mighty good average.  

I feel good.  I've started noticing changes in the way I look.  I have more energy and focus.  All in all, my weight loss progress is going very well...and there's nothing really to complain about.

I feel like I have a much better handle on my eating, and even though it's still not 100% healthy all of the time, I feel like how I'm eating is manageable and sustainable for the long time.  In fact, I think the longer I go in between each unhealthy food item, the more I convince myself that I'd rather stay clear from it anyhow.  

Good eating doesn't have to be from a certain plan or from eliminating certain foods.  It REALLY is about quantity versus quality.  It's knowing that I can eat more of the good stuff, and less of the bad stuff.  If I have some sugar, it's not the end of the world...but too much is.  If I eat something that's fried, my body will resent me and I leave myself wondering if it was even worth it.  

I think that, over time, I'll be able to figure out that I'm better off just sticking to healthy food.  But, I also love the fact that even though unhealthy stuff hasn't been completely eliminated from my diet, I haven't gone all nutso crazy on binging or overeating, either.  OK, so I've eaten meals that have way too many calories in one sitting...but it hasn't lead to an unstoppable, out of control, spiral effect either.  It's happened a couple of times in six weeks.  Compared to the fact that I ate pretty much that way each and every day before, it's pretty darned good progress.

Still struggling with the exercise aspect.  And my allergies are at the end of that excuse, right now.  Yes, it's still an excuse...but when I spend about 70% of my day sneezing and blowing my nose...it becomes very difficult to get too out of breath, because I'm already struggling with breathing in the first place because of a stopped up nose.

It will come.

I dreamt last night about doing another 5K.  It's something I really want to start doing again.  And I will...eventually.

Right now, though, I'm going to bask in the fact that I'm only 1.6lbs away from my 20lbs milestone, and focus on kicking that number away this next coming week.

If I hit my milestone next week, there'll be pictures to show my progress.  

Fingers crossed.

Till next time!

Why Did it Take So Long to Think of That?

Let me first start off by saying a big THANK YOU to those of you that commented and left me suggestions yesterday about my problem with eating on the go.

They were all great suggestions.

The only small problem is the fact that it's not coming up with ideas for food, nor the preparing food a head of time I struggle with...it's the literal act of eating on the go.  Meaning, while I'm driving down the road.

When most people think of "eating on the go", they think of needing quick meals to prepare in a short amount of time.  Thus, why I think I got so many great ideas for preparing foods on the weekend that can be grabbed each day of the week.  

That's not the problem, it's the fact that I don't have any time between getting off work and having to jump in the car to drive to the ball games.  When I stop at a fast food place for food, it's stuff that we eat in the car while driving.

So, that's why taking sandwiches was my basic go-to food...because I can eat those while I'm driving down the road.  

But, with all the great suggestions, I did come up with what I believe will be a great idea to help me out...and I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner.

I had already decided that the only food that would really be "on the go" worthy would be sandwiches. Paired with some kind of fruit.  However, I was struggling with the fact that my lunch each day usually consists of a sandwich...and I didn't want to eat sandwiches twice a day each time I had to travel to a game.

What I'd failed to see, however, is that there's no reason I have to take sandwiches for lunch.  I have plenty of options for lunches.  I have microwaves to use during my lunch time.  Why on earth couldn't I pack myself a hot lunch and take sandwiches for my dinner?  Duh!!

There's no reason why I can't eat dinner for lunch and lunch for dinner, right?

With a little preparation this week, I can prepare foods to take for lunch like salads, leftovers, and quick meals that I can prep at night and take with me the next day.  Then, I make sandwiches for Jelly and I to eat on the road as we're traveling to the games.  

I picked up some sub rolls, in order to have a more hearty sandwich some nights, and an array of stuff to make them with.  I also bought a couple pounds of grapes, to pack as a compliment with the sandwiches.   I can keep the rolls in the fridge at work, and at the end of the day I just grab my lunch box and we go.  

Simple.

Why this idea didn't hit me before I don't know.  It makes so much sense.

I guess I've just been preprogrammed to think that the best lunch food for me is sandwiches.  I hardly ever take something different for lunch, unless there's leftovers available from the night before.  Which doesn't happen very much, because I've become a stickler for preparing only enough food for the family to eat sensible portions for dinner.

I was shooting myself in the foot with that idea.  My intentions were good, but now that I think I'm better at controlling how much I eat for dinner, there's no reason that we can't prepare a little extra for me to take for lunch each day.  

So, that's what I'm going to do.  I'm going to try it out and see how it works.  

Rachel also came up with another great idea for me to use, on days where I might want a change.  And that would be protein shakes.  

While the idea of drinking my dinner has never really appealed to me, there's no reason I couldn't do that every now and then.  I also noticed at the store, yesterday, on-the-go soup cans.  They're drinkable...so a great idea for while I'm driving down the road.  Have one of those with a few whole wheat crackers while I'm driving, and I'll be all set.

The solution really was staring me right in the face.  I'm not sure if I didn't see it before because I maybe didn't want to.  Not having a solution to my eating on the go kinda gave me an excuse to eat junk food.  And the last thing I need is anymore excuses.  

Eventually, I want to be able to get to a point where I can walk in to a restaurant and order stuff that's healthy.  Just about every fast food restaurant I know offers some kind of healthier alternative to burgers and fries... I just choose to not order them.  Until I have the willpower to do that, then I just need to stay away from those places.  It might be a little more work to prepare foods ahead of time to take with me, but it's just what I have to do.  

And I'm going to end today with another feel-good...

Yesterday, I put on a pair of shorts that I bought at the end of May.  They are a size 20.  When I bought them, I had a muffin top that stuck over the top of them.  Being that I refused, at that point, to buy a pair of 22s (which is what I probably should have done), I just opted to wear the shorts with baggy t-shirts so the muffin top wasn't too obvious.

I put those shorts on yesterday, and didn't even have to unbutton them to get them on.  I can pull them up and down without undoing the button or the zipper.  In fact, there's about a 2" gap between my shorts and my stomach.  Almost to the point of being too big to wear!  I paired them with a close fitting shirt and there was NO muffin top!

I really feel that in the next few weeks, I'll be able to dig out all of the 18s that got too small for me and will be able to comfortably fit back in to them once again.

I could probably start doing that now.... but I want to wait for a few more pounds to fall off.  

I have two more weeks until my next doctor's visit, and I'm still holding on to the hope that I can be down to 239lbs by that time.  Which would mean, by last week's weight, that I'd have to lose 8lbs in a couple of weeks... which may not be possible, but I can get as close to that number as possible.

Once I hit 245lbs, I'd have lost 20lbs since starting.  Last week, I was only 3.4lbs away from that number.  It sure would be nice to hit that milestone this week, but I'm not going to get ahead of myself or set myself up for disappointment.

If I have to wait until next week to hit that number, so be it.  I know it will come...and that's the most important part.

Right now, I need to go and get ready for work.

Have a great Monday, everyone!!

Till next time!

The Obstacle of Eating on the Go

Yesterday, I wrote a post that was basically filled with rainbows and sunshine.  A positive post about getting a handle on what I'm doing, and looking at what I'm doing (finally) as a life long change instead of a plan to just lose weight.

And I felt really good after I posted it.

I was able to read through it and realize what the words meant.  I'm succeeding.  I'm losing weight.  I'm feeling positive about life in general, and that I can definitely keep the momentum going.

But one thing a person trying to lose weight knows is that it's not always rainbows and sunshine.  

There are always battles, struggles, days that make me think "why do I give a crap?"  But, I truly am realizing that those days are coming much less frequently.  The good days, by far, outweigh the bad ones.

In fact, sitting here right now at this very minute, there's only one area of my life that's causing me to struggle...and that would be eating on the go.

When school started, both Peanut and Butter decided they wanted to play sports.  Peanut plays volleyball and Butter plays football.  For the first couple of weeks, playing sports meant that they went to practice after school each and every night...and I would work in my classroom until they were finished.  We would then all drive home and eat dinner when we got there.

But with sports come games.

They started two weeks ago.  Peanut first, and then Butter kicked off his season last week.

With football, it's not too bad.  Butter has one game a week for six weeks.  Not a big deal.  But Peanut, on the other hand, has two to three games per week...and then throw in a football game and I'm on the road three to four nights a week.

When the games are at home, we can expect to get home between 8 and 9PM.  When the games are away?  Yeah, it's more closer to 10 or 11PM when we get home.  Much too late to wait and eat dinner.   Especially for little Jelly who ends up falling asleep on the drive home and is taken straight to bed when we get there.

Which means, on those game nights, we usually grab something to eat on the way.  

Peanut and Butter don't have to worry.  They get fed before their games.  Even though it's not a big meal, it's fitting for the fact that they will be running around.  Their dinners consist of a sandwich, some chips, and some fruit or a granola bar.  It's not a great deal, but at least they're not having to wait until 8PM to eat something.

Jelly and I, on the other hand, have to make rash decisions about where we're going to grab something quick to eat.  And then the struggle of eating on the go rears it's ugly head.

The ideal option would be to pack dinner to go with us.  When I'm making my lunch in the morning, I could easily prepare extra sandwiches to take with us to the games.  However, that hasn't been the case so far.  Instead, I've opted for stopping at a fast food place to pick something up.  Fast food is NEVER the best option.

Two out of the three nights I've been gone to games so far, I've eaten junk.  One night we went to a Chinese restaurant after the game, the other Jelly and I grabbed a burger and fries on the way.  The first game, I actually bought Jelly something to eat and opted on waiting until I got home to eat anything.

This upcoming week, I have three games...once again.  Tomorrow night, Tuesday night, and Thursday night I'll be traveling to games.  And I'm sitting here telling myself that I MUST prepare ahead of time.  Eating on the go is NO excuse for eating junk.  

Today just happens to be grocery shopping day, so I'm trying to rack my brain for ideas.  Being that I take a sandwich for lunch most days, I'll admit that the thought of eating sandwiches for lunch AND dinner three days isn't that appealing.  But, I also won't have the ability to cook anything either.  Thursday is the only night that I'll have a little time before having to rush off straight after school, and could possibly take something with me to throw in the microwave at school before we have to go.

But, I really can't think of alternative options.  

I feel like I'm stuck in this rut that I either just suck it up and eat sandwiches twice a day three days this week, or just wait until I get home to eat anything.  Then, I'm stuck with eating late at night...and that's not really the best idea either.

And those restricted feelings are usually what end up pushing me in to just grabbing food from the closest fast-food place.

UGH!!

Before I head out for my grocery excursion, I'm going to try and research some ideas for cold meals.  Something I can maybe make ahead of time to take with me.  Stuff that's convenient, healthy, and satisfying.  If you guys have any ideas...I'd love to hear them.

Right now, though, I need to get to getting.  I've got to go and pick up Peanut and Butter from Oklahoma this afternoon, AND I've been volunteered to cook dinner tonight...so it's going to be a busy day.

That doesn't even include the cleaning I really need to get done today.

Gotta love Sundays, right?

Till next time!

Days Since Weigh-In Recap

I'm really going to have to get better in figuring out a way that I can write here more often than Wednesdays and the weekend.  

It seems like, lately, the only times I post is when it's weigh-in day, or when time isn't really that important...and I have plenty of it.  Which, of course, is only the weekends.

I get up at 4:30 each and every work day just so I can try and fit in two blog posts.  One here and one on my other blog.  But, it seems like that Wednesdays are the only days I manage to get that accomplished.  I end up spending WAY too long writing my other blog, and coming here doesn't happen.

I promise I will try and get better.

But, honestly, I don't really have that much to write about.  Definitely not enough to write each and every day.  With success comes a lack of content.  I was able to write here so often, back a few months ago, because I was struggling so much.  And struggling is something to write about.  Each time I binged, or ate way too much, or struggled with coming up with a solid plan of action... my fingers could hash it all out right here on the page.

Now, my blog posts would basically consist of "another day of good eating and doing what I'm supposed to".  And that's great... but a little boring to write about all of the time.

This week hasn't been all perfect, but even the minor slip ups haven't done enough damage for me to consider "blog worthy".  I ate a school lunch on Thursday, and I loaded up my tray a little too much.  But, then I couldn't eat it all...not by a long shot, so even though I started out with the intention of overeating... my body wouldn't allow that, and I actually listened to it.

On Thursday morning, a student brought me a king sized Snickers.  I had joked around with her the day before, and she'd asked me what I'd like for her to buy me when she went to the store.  A king sized Snickers is what I had said...without thinking that she'd actually buy it.  

I am very happy to report that for two days, the Snickers sat on my desk.  All day Thursday, and all day yesterday.  I packed it in my bag when I came home yesterday, and it's still in there at this moment.

And I'm going to be completely honest and say that I have EVERY intention of eating it.  At some point.  Because I'm a firm believer that a little chocolate now and then won't kill me.  I definitely won't eat the whole thing at one time... but when I feel like a candy bar, I'll eat half of it.  

I just can't believe that it's survived this long.  Snickers are my all time favorite candy bar.  A few months ago, it was hard for me to walk past them at the grocery store.  More often than not, I walked out with one...and ate the whole thing on the drive home.  The king sized variety.  

The last time I've let any chocolate pass through my lips was at the pot luck lunch last month at work.  And to think that I can have my favorite chocolate bar stare me in the face for two days, and not get the slightest inclining to actually eat it is OUTSTANDING!  

I didn't feel tormented or tempted.  I didn't stare at it longly having to talk myself down from the temptation.  It just sat there, and I basically didn't pay it any attention.  I had even told myself that when I wanted it, I'd eat it.  But, the want never came.  So, I didn't eat it.

Being that it's Saturday, and I usually spend Saturday evenings on the couch watching a movie, there's a very good chance that tonight will be the night that the urge comes.  And I'm OK with that.  I've accepted it.  Again, I will only eat half..and store the other half away for another time the urge hits.  

I've really been working on training my mind to not look at food as a form of treat.  Or a guilty pleasure.  My mind is finally starting to come to terms with the fact that food is just food.  If I'm craving a certain type of food, I'll eat it.  And, I've discovered that the more good stuff I put in to my body, the more good stuff it craves.  

Two days last week, a student brought me an apple to class.  How old fashioned, right? Bringing the teacher an apple.  HA!  But, on both days, that apple didn't stand a chance.  When I saw it, I wanted to eat it.  And I did... both times.  

If those are the types of "temptations" that are going to be invading my brain..then that's A-OK with me.  The apples just happen to be perfect compliments - or a sweet ending - to my lunch.  And eating the apples sent off the same kind of euphoric feelings I used to feel when eating chocolate.  The apples were sweet, delicious, and I enjoyed every bite.  

Last night was the first time I actually ate "bad" food.  I had to drive the kids to Oklahoma after getting home at 6:30PM.  Hubby had already decided that it would be a good night to just grab something on the way home.  Jelly was given the power to choose our eating place...and she chose Hardee's.  I ate a burger and onion rings.  OK, I ate a Frisco bacon cheeseburger and onion rings.  Those bad boys pack 880 calories.  The onion rings pack a punch of 410 calories for the small order (which I had).  So, my dinner was 1290 calories.  My breakfast yesterday morning was 130 calories.  My lunch was 300 calories.  So my intake for yesterday was 1720 calories.  That's 500 calories over my allotment.  

And, once again, I suffered for putting the junk in to my body.  Bloated feeling, minor cramps, discomfort.  I am my own worst enemy.  I know how that junk will make me feel, I don't even feel like eating it anymore... but like I said, I'm working on trying to convince my brain that food isn't a treat.  It's just not always a successful process.  Standing in front of the menu last night, I could have gone with something a little healthier...but those dang "treat" waves took over.

I'm making strong progress, but I'm still having issues.  I guess it can't be perfect all of the time.  

The best thing is, I'm getting much better at looking at the "big picture".  I truly feel like I'm adjusting at looking at my journey as a life long process.  Focusing on eating healthy most of the time, but understanding that there may be occasions I steer off course and eat stuff I shouldn't.  I no longer dwell or beat myself up over it...because my mind has started understanding the changes it's making.

My previous attempts at losing weight have always ended because I got to a place where I started steering off track, and not caring.  But, the difference now is the fact that I'm not caring about a slight hiccup every once in a while.  Before, not caring translated in to me getting tired of what I was doing and just giving up.

In other words, I'm OK if I eat something I shouldn't every once in a while...because as soon as I've finished I tell myself that it's the only bad eating I'll be doing for a while, and the next thing I put in to my mouth will be healthy.  Before, a bad eating situation resulted in me telling myself that I was OK with eating like crap...or more that I had accepted that I would eat like crap...and just throwing in the towel.

I'm not the same person anymore.

My body is appreciating the new found energy that comes from eating healthy.  It despises the feelings of uncomfortableness that comes from eating crap.  OK, not enough for me to never touch another piece of crap food again, but enough to tell me that crap can't be a constant fixture.  

I'm starting to rekindle the old feelings of fitting in to clothes better, feeling better about the way I'm starting to notice the changes it's making.  

And, honestly,for the first time ever...I don't look at what I'm doing as a diet or a weight loss plan or a set of rules that have to be followed.  

Even back a few years ago when I lost so much weight, my mind set was that of rules, discipline, and plans.  The slightest falter on any of them resulted in gains and feelings of failure.  

I can honestly say that it feels different this time around.  I haven't logged my food in a couple of weeks.  I'm focusing more on the types of foods I'm eating and portion sizes.  No food is off limits, but the healthier options are starting to become second nature.  It's been long enough, now, that the habits are starting to take hold..and I don't really have to assess and count and measure.  It's starting to just be natural to do what I'm doing.

And the proof is in the pudding.  I've logged losses each and every week since I made the commitment almost two months ago.  The weight is coming off.  More quickly on some weeks than others, but it's still coming off each and every week.

I'm obviously doing something right, and being that there's not near as much mental discipline involved anymore - it tells me that it's something I can keep going with.  Forever.

The weight really is going to come off this time...and stay off.  I feel it in every ounce of my being.  I'm making drastic transformations, and I'm loving each and every one of them.

I feel free.  Yet, at the same time I feel focused.  

I no longer look at my situation as a battle that has to be won, but more as a dedication to a life-long way of living.  It's not something I'm going to do just to lose weight, but something I'm going to do for the rest of my life that results in losing weight...until the weight is gone, and I'm just maintaining.

I know that some people will read this today and think it's pretty pathetic that I'm "allowing" myself to eat junk food every now and then.  They will probably think that if I'm truly committed, that I won't ever touch the stuff again...and that I'm just making up excuses when I do slip and fall.

But that's not the case at all.  Yes, there are some people who have gone YEARS without letting a single morsel of junk food pass through their lips.  And good for them!  But, what I've achieved in the last couple of months is a big deal to me...and I feel like what I'm doing and how I'm doing it is working.

And really, I couldn't be any happier than I am.  It's all starting to hit home, come in to focus, adjust my perspective.

It's no longer about winning or losing, it's about committing to a lifestyle change.  

And the outlook for the rest of my life is a healthy one!

Till next time!