I'm still here. Fighting the good fight. The fight is just being fought outside the realms of Blog World, simply because I haven't wanted to get out of bed a single day this week in time to write two blog posts. A couple of days there wasn't even time to write one blog post.
I missed my weekly weigh in and the post recapping my monthly check up with my doctor. The weigh was kinda sorta missed on purpose, because I really didn't need another depressing week of little results on top of the huge amount of stress I have been under. And the huge amount of stress isn't anything major, it's just a lot of little stressful things all piled up on top of each other....causing me to feel like I'm under a LOT of stress.
My doctor's visit was somewhat therapeutic. Somewhat needed for the "poor me" attitude I was putting on myself. My weigh in wasn't good because of the stress. The stress was causing me to overeat and turn to food - once again- as a refuge.
And my doctor had just one thing to say about it all: QUIT YOUR WHINING!!
Yep. That's what he had to say to me.
Let's back up and explain.
I got to my appointment, and went back to weigh.
At my first appointment, I weighed 262lbs. On my second appointment, I weighed 251lbs...down 11lbs from my first visit. This time, I weighed and the scale said 249lbs.
I knew that wasn't right. I had weighed that morning and the scale had said 246lbs. But, it was 4:30 in the afternoon, I had eaten breakfast and lunch and drank a few gallons of water throughout the day. Either way, though... I lost 2lbs or I lost 5lbs. Neither one anything to write home about.
The doctor came in, looked at my results, and just asked why I thought I was able to lose 11lbs in my first month but only a couple of pounds my second. He asked me if I was under any stress. I laughed, and started listing off everything that has been going on in my life, recently, to answer his question. I fully expected him to nod his head in understanding and give me a soothing talk about how I really needed to find a way to dispel some of the stress if I wanted the weight to be gone.
He simply said "Everyone has excuses, and you need to quit your whining and deal with them". Urm. What? That's not what a caring doctor would say to a patient that's stressed and unhappy with the fact that she's turned back to food as a form of comfort, and is slowing down the awesome progress she had in her first month.
He saw the obvious shock in my face, because he then asked me if there had been any stress my first month in. I thought about it. It was the month I went back to work. The kids started their sports, but they weren't in to playing many games. I remember being pretty emotional about some of the changes that were taking place at school and the impact they had on my classroom. I was going to be working a long side a co-teacher, having the special education kids in my room for math and reading. That was new and different and a little stressful. But, then I simply told him that it was nothing compared to what I'd dealt with this month.
He laughed and said "Bull!"
Again, I was shocked. Who on earth was this doctor to speak to me this way?
But, he then responded with the fact that of course I was under stress the previous month. I just had a better grasp on how to deal with it. OK, the current month had put a little more on my plate than I could handle...but he asked me how many times I'd gone for a walk to release my stress. A strategy I had told him a month earlier myself for dealing with stress. He asked me how many times I had stopped before eating something to calculate my calories, and determine if I'm supposed to eat it or I was just eating it for the sake of eating it. A strategy I had, once again, told him I used a month earlier. He asked me how many times I'd logged my food intake. A strategy I told him I used when I felt like my eating was getting a little out of control, in order to help me process how much I was actually eating.
And then it all clicked.
He was doing exactly what I needed him to do. Throw my own words back in my face. Throw my own excuses under the bus. Highlight the fact that I had sat in that very same chair only a month earlier telling him the strategies I was using to battle stress...my original reason for being so overweight.
The realization on my face softened his demeanor just a little. He looked me square in the eyes and told me that there will ALWAYS be stress. I knew that, had said the very same thing to him on our first visit together. I had come to that first check-in meeting full of pride and excitement over the fact that I had been battling everything thrown in my way, and still lost 11lbs in a month. Yet, the person in front of him at that moment was full of shame and guilt. I knew that what I was feeding him were excuses. That there was NO reason to overeat unless I give myself one. Food is not a fix-all, it's poison....if I look at it with that attitude. I should be looking at food as nothing more than fuel.
He then used a pretty good analogy that I would never have thought of. He asked me if I was old enough to remember Leaded gasoline. I wasn't old enough to drive when leaded gasoline was available, but I did remember the days when my parents had the option of leaded or unleaded fuel for their cars. Leaded gasoline was banned because of the toxic poisons that were being emitted in to the atmosphere. It was cheaper to make, but was actually causing people to get sick. Thus, resulting in an alternative approach being invented: Unleaded fuel.
He then asked me that if Leaded fuel was made available again, at a much cheaper cost to what we're currently paying for gas...knowing that it could cause severe damage to my vehicle AND me....would I opt to use Leaded gasoline, or stick to paying for the more expensive, healthier option?
I sat there and looked at him for a moment. He wasn't finished. He went on to explain that I could go ahead and use the Leaded version because of the money it would save, but eventually my car would start to have problems. It's a new car, one not built to handle leaded gasoline. It would start to have problems. Stuff would stop working. The car would start to run a lot less efficiently, and would end up in the shop needing major, expensive repairs.
He asked me if I knew where he was going with all of this....
And I did.
My body isn't built to handle the crap I put in to it. It starts to lag, store up the junk that's being pumped in to it because it doesn't know what to do with the fat and oil that's not healthy for my system. It causes fatigue. It causes pain in the joints and muscles.
A healthy body runs on healthy fuel. Enough to keep all the parts running smoothly, but not too much where anything has to be stored because the body doesn't know what to do with it.
I am an unleaded vehicle pumping myself with toxic, leaded fuel.
Freakin' GENIUS analogy!!
My doctor must be a car man, because he told me that I also wouldn't keep filling my car up with fuel if it just sat in the garage everyday. Also, leaving my car in the garage and never using it would cause belts to start drying out, gears that become sticky and caked in gunk, and an engine that would collect dust and debris from not being used. Meaning, if I'm not exercising very often, I don't need to be eating very much. If I'm not exercising, I'm not keeping my parts in working order and causing them to collect gunk that needs to be driven out.
He's absolutely RIGHT!! And what a perfect way to help me see it. I am not doing myself any favors by being sedentary. I'm not doing myself any favors by overeating or stress eating or eating junk food because it's quick, cheap, and available. I have got to get myself up and out of the garage....and see what my engine is capable of.
I go back in a month. At that time he wants no excuses. He wants nothing more than results. Good results. There is no number attached to those results...because he said I will know if I've done everything I could do to show how committed I am. The numbers will speak for themselves if I've spent the month 100% committed to my plan, my focus.
And he's right. Time to remember that again, get back to doing what I was doing before...and knocking his socks off a month from now. I can do it, I know I can. I did it the first month. No reasons or excuses can come in the way of making this next month absolutely AMAZING.
So, that's where I am right now.
Now is the time to see what I have in me...and focus everything on getting this weight off, and keeping it off.
Have a great weekend, everyone!
Till next time!