I'm really going to have to get better in figuring out a way that I can write here more often than Wednesdays and the weekend.
It seems like, lately, the only times I post is when it's weigh-in day, or when time isn't really that important...and I have plenty of it. Which, of course, is only the weekends.
I get up at 4:30 each and every work day just so I can try and fit in two blog posts. One here and one on my other blog. But, it seems like that Wednesdays are the only days I manage to get that accomplished. I end up spending WAY too long writing my other blog, and coming here doesn't happen.
I promise I will try and get better.
But, honestly, I don't really have that much to write about. Definitely not enough to write each and every day. With success comes a lack of content. I was able to write here so often, back a few months ago, because I was struggling so much. And struggling is something to write about. Each time I binged, or ate way too much, or struggled with coming up with a solid plan of action... my fingers could hash it all out right here on the page.
Now, my blog posts would basically consist of "another day of good eating and doing what I'm supposed to". And that's great... but a little boring to write about all of the time.
This week hasn't been all perfect, but even the minor slip ups haven't done enough damage for me to consider "blog worthy". I ate a school lunch on Thursday, and I loaded up my tray a little too much. But, then I couldn't eat it all...not by a long shot, so even though I started out with the intention of overeating... my body wouldn't allow that, and I actually listened to it.
On Thursday morning, a student brought me a king sized Snickers. I had joked around with her the day before, and she'd asked me what I'd like for her to buy me when she went to the store. A king sized Snickers is what I had said...without thinking that she'd actually buy it.
I am very happy to report that for two days, the Snickers sat on my desk. All day Thursday, and all day yesterday. I packed it in my bag when I came home yesterday, and it's still in there at this moment.
And I'm going to be completely honest and say that I have EVERY intention of eating it. At some point. Because I'm a firm believer that a little chocolate now and then won't kill me. I definitely won't eat the whole thing at one time... but when I feel like a candy bar, I'll eat half of it.
I just can't believe that it's survived this long. Snickers are my all time favorite candy bar. A few months ago, it was hard for me to walk past them at the grocery store. More often than not, I walked out with one...and ate the whole thing on the drive home. The king sized variety.
The last time I've let any chocolate pass through my lips was at the pot luck lunch last month at work. And to think that I can have my favorite chocolate bar stare me in the face for two days, and not get the slightest inclining to actually eat it is OUTSTANDING!
I didn't feel tormented or tempted. I didn't stare at it longly having to talk myself down from the temptation. It just sat there, and I basically didn't pay it any attention. I had even told myself that when I wanted it, I'd eat it. But, the want never came. So, I didn't eat it.
Being that it's Saturday, and I usually spend Saturday evenings on the couch watching a movie, there's a very good chance that tonight will be the night that the urge comes. And I'm OK with that. I've accepted it. Again, I will only eat half..and store the other half away for another time the urge hits.
I've really been working on training my mind to not look at food as a form of treat. Or a guilty pleasure. My mind is finally starting to come to terms with the fact that food is just food. If I'm craving a certain type of food, I'll eat it. And, I've discovered that the more good stuff I put in to my body, the more good stuff it craves.
Two days last week, a student brought me an apple to class. How old fashioned, right? Bringing the teacher an apple. HA! But, on both days, that apple didn't stand a chance. When I saw it, I wanted to eat it. And I did... both times.
If those are the types of "temptations" that are going to be invading my brain..then that's A-OK with me. The apples just happen to be perfect compliments - or a sweet ending - to my lunch. And eating the apples sent off the same kind of euphoric feelings I used to feel when eating chocolate. The apples were sweet, delicious, and I enjoyed every bite.
Last night was the first time I actually ate "bad" food. I had to drive the kids to Oklahoma after getting home at 6:30PM. Hubby had already decided that it would be a good night to just grab something on the way home. Jelly was given the power to choose our eating place...and she chose Hardee's. I ate a burger and onion rings. OK, I ate a Frisco bacon cheeseburger and onion rings. Those bad boys pack 880 calories. The onion rings pack a punch of 410 calories for the small order (which I had). So, my dinner was 1290 calories. My breakfast yesterday morning was 130 calories. My lunch was 300 calories. So my intake for yesterday was 1720 calories. That's 500 calories over my allotment.
And, once again, I suffered for putting the junk in to my body. Bloated feeling, minor cramps, discomfort. I am my own worst enemy. I know how that junk will make me feel, I don't even feel like eating it anymore... but like I said, I'm working on trying to convince my brain that food isn't a treat. It's just not always a successful process. Standing in front of the menu last night, I could have gone with something a little healthier...but those dang "treat" waves took over.
I'm making strong progress, but I'm still having issues. I guess it can't be perfect all of the time.
The best thing is, I'm getting much better at looking at the "big picture". I truly feel like I'm adjusting at looking at my journey as a life long process. Focusing on eating healthy most of the time, but understanding that there may be occasions I steer off course and eat stuff I shouldn't. I no longer dwell or beat myself up over it...because my mind has started understanding the changes it's making.
My previous attempts at losing weight have always ended because I got to a place where I started steering off track, and not caring. But, the difference now is the fact that I'm not caring about a slight hiccup every once in a while. Before, not caring translated in to me getting tired of what I was doing and just giving up.
In other words, I'm OK if I eat something I shouldn't every once in a while...because as soon as I've finished I tell myself that it's the only bad eating I'll be doing for a while, and the next thing I put in to my mouth will be healthy. Before, a bad eating situation resulted in me telling myself that I was OK with eating like crap...or more that I had accepted that I would eat like crap...and just throwing in the towel.
I'm not the same person anymore.
My body is appreciating the new found energy that comes from eating healthy. It despises the feelings of uncomfortableness that comes from eating crap. OK, not enough for me to never touch another piece of crap food again, but enough to tell me that crap can't be a constant fixture.
I'm starting to rekindle the old feelings of fitting in to clothes better, feeling better about the way I'm starting to notice the changes it's making.
And, honestly,for the first time ever...I don't look at what I'm doing as a diet or a weight loss plan or a set of rules that have to be followed.
Even back a few years ago when I lost so much weight, my mind set was that of rules, discipline, and plans. The slightest falter on any of them resulted in gains and feelings of failure.
I can honestly say that it feels different this time around. I haven't logged my food in a couple of weeks. I'm focusing more on the types of foods I'm eating and portion sizes. No food is off limits, but the healthier options are starting to become second nature. It's been long enough, now, that the habits are starting to take hold..and I don't really have to assess and count and measure. It's starting to just be natural to do what I'm doing.
And the proof is in the pudding. I've logged losses each and every week since I made the commitment almost two months ago. The weight is coming off. More quickly on some weeks than others, but it's still coming off each and every week.
I'm obviously doing something right, and being that there's not near as much mental discipline involved anymore - it tells me that it's something I can keep going with. Forever.
The weight really is going to come off this time...and stay off. I feel it in every ounce of my being. I'm making drastic transformations, and I'm loving each and every one of them.
I feel free. Yet, at the same time I feel focused.
I no longer look at my situation as a battle that has to be won, but more as a dedication to a life-long way of living. It's not something I'm going to do just to lose weight, but something I'm going to do for the rest of my life that results in losing weight...until the weight is gone, and I'm just maintaining.
I know that some people will read this today and think it's pretty pathetic that I'm "allowing" myself to eat junk food every now and then. They will probably think that if I'm truly committed, that I won't ever touch the stuff again...and that I'm just making up excuses when I do slip and fall.
But that's not the case at all. Yes, there are some people who have gone YEARS without letting a single morsel of junk food pass through their lips. And good for them! But, what I've achieved in the last couple of months is a big deal to me...and I feel like what I'm doing and how I'm doing it is working.
And really, I couldn't be any happier than I am. It's all starting to hit home, come in to focus, adjust my perspective.
It's no longer about winning or losing, it's about committing to a lifestyle change.
And the outlook for the rest of my life is a healthy one!
Till next time!