Doctor Orders Me to Quit My Whining

I'm still here.  Fighting the good fight.  The fight is just being fought outside the realms of Blog World, simply because I haven't wanted to get out of bed a single day this week in time to write two blog posts.  A couple of days there wasn't even time to write one blog post.

I missed my weekly weigh in and the post recapping my monthly check up with my doctor.  The weigh was kinda sorta missed on purpose, because I really didn't need another depressing week of little results on top of the huge amount of stress I have been under.  And the huge amount of stress isn't anything major, it's just a lot of little stressful things all piled up on top of each other....causing me to feel like I'm under a LOT of stress.

My doctor's visit was somewhat therapeutic.  Somewhat needed for the "poor me" attitude I was putting on myself.  My weigh in wasn't good because of the stress.  The stress was causing me to overeat and turn to food - once again- as a refuge.  

And my doctor had just one thing to say about it all:  QUIT YOUR WHINING!!

Yep.  That's what he had to say to me.  

Let's back up and explain.  

I got to my appointment, and went back to weigh.  

At my first appointment, I weighed 262lbs.  On my second appointment, I weighed 251lbs...down 11lbs from my first visit.  This time, I weighed and the scale said 249lbs.

I knew that wasn't right.  I had weighed that morning and the scale had said 246lbs.  But, it was 4:30 in the afternoon, I had eaten breakfast and lunch and drank a few gallons of water throughout the day. Either way, though... I lost 2lbs or I lost 5lbs.  Neither one anything to write home about.  

The doctor came in, looked at my results, and just asked why I thought I was able to lose 11lbs in my first month but only a couple of pounds my second.  He asked me if I was under any stress.  I laughed, and started listing off everything that has been going on in my life, recently, to answer his question.  I fully expected him to nod his head in understanding and give me a soothing talk about how I really needed to find a way to dispel some of the stress if I wanted the weight to be gone.

He didn't.

He simply said "Everyone has excuses, and you need to quit your whining and deal with them".  Urm.  What?  That's not what a caring doctor would say to a patient that's stressed and unhappy with the fact that she's turned back to food as a form of comfort, and is slowing down the awesome progress she had in her first month.

He saw the obvious shock in my face, because he then asked me if there had been any stress my first month in.  I thought about it.  It was the month I went back to work.  The kids started their sports, but they weren't in to playing many games.  I remember being pretty emotional about some of the changes that were taking place at school and the impact they had on my classroom.  I was going to be working a long side a co-teacher, having the special education kids in my room for math and reading.  That was new and different and a little stressful.  But, then I simply told him that it was nothing compared to what I'd dealt with this month.

He laughed and said "Bull!"  

Again, I was shocked.  Who on earth was this doctor to speak to me this way?

But, he then responded with the fact that of course I was under stress the previous month.  I just had a better grasp on how to deal with it.  OK, the current month had put a little more on my plate than I could handle...but he asked me how many times I'd gone for a walk to release my stress.  A strategy I had told him a month earlier myself for dealing with stress.  He asked me how many times I had stopped before eating something to calculate my calories, and determine if I'm supposed to eat it or I was just eating it for the sake of eating it.  A strategy I had, once again, told him I used a month earlier.  He asked me how many times I'd logged my food intake.  A strategy I told him I used when I felt like my eating was getting a little out of control, in order to help me process how much I was actually eating.

And then it all clicked.

He was doing exactly what I needed him to do.  Throw my own words back in my face.  Throw my own excuses under the bus.  Highlight the fact that I had sat in that very same chair only a month earlier telling him the strategies I was using to battle stress...my original reason for being so overweight.

The realization on my face softened his demeanor just a little.  He looked me square in the eyes and told me that there will ALWAYS be stress.  I knew that, had said the very same thing to him on our first visit together.  I had come to that first check-in meeting full of pride and excitement over the fact that I had been battling everything thrown in my way, and still lost 11lbs in a month.  Yet, the person in front of him at that moment was full of shame and guilt.  I knew that what I was feeding him were excuses.  That there was NO reason to overeat unless I give myself one.  Food is not a fix-all, it's poison....if I look at it with that attitude.  I should be looking at food as nothing more than fuel.  

He then used a pretty good analogy that I would never have thought of.  He asked me if I was old enough to remember Leaded gasoline.  I wasn't old enough to drive when leaded gasoline was available, but I did remember the days when my parents had the option of leaded or unleaded fuel for their cars.  Leaded gasoline was banned because of the toxic poisons that were being emitted in to the atmosphere.  It was cheaper to make, but was actually causing people to get sick.  Thus, resulting in an alternative approach being invented: Unleaded fuel.  

He then asked me that if Leaded fuel was made available again, at a much cheaper cost to what we're currently paying for gas...knowing that it could cause severe damage to my vehicle AND me....would I opt to use Leaded gasoline, or stick to paying for the more expensive, healthier option?

I sat there and looked at him for a moment.  He wasn't finished.  He went on to explain that I could go ahead and use the Leaded version because of the money it would save, but eventually my car would start to have problems.  It's a new car, one not built to handle leaded gasoline.  It would start to have problems.  Stuff would stop working.  The car would start to run a lot less efficiently, and would end up in the shop needing major, expensive repairs.

He asked me if I knew where he was going with all of this....

And I did.

My body isn't built to handle the crap I put in to it.  It starts to lag, store up the junk that's being pumped in to it because it doesn't know what to do with the fat and oil that's not healthy for my system.  It causes fatigue.  It causes pain in the joints and muscles.  

A healthy body runs on healthy fuel.  Enough to keep all the parts running smoothly, but not too much where anything has to be stored because the body doesn't know what to do with it.  

I am an unleaded vehicle pumping myself with toxic, leaded fuel.

Freakin' GENIUS analogy!!

My doctor must be a car man, because he told me that I also wouldn't keep filling my car up with fuel if it just sat in the garage everyday.  Also, leaving my car in the garage and never using it would cause belts to start drying out, gears that become sticky and caked in gunk, and an engine that would collect dust and debris from not being used.  Meaning, if I'm not exercising very often, I don't need to be eating very much.  If I'm not exercising, I'm not keeping my parts in working order and causing them to collect gunk that needs to be driven out.  

He's absolutely RIGHT!!  And what a perfect way to help me see it.  I am not doing myself any favors by being sedentary.  I'm not doing myself any favors by overeating or stress eating or eating junk food because it's quick, cheap, and available.  I have got to get myself up and out of the garage....and see what my engine is capable of.

I go back in a month.  At that time he wants no excuses.  He wants nothing more than results.  Good results.  There is no number attached to those results...because he said I will know if I've done everything I could do to show how committed I am.  The numbers will speak for themselves if I've spent the month 100% committed to my plan, my focus.  

And he's right.  Time to remember that again, get back to doing what I was doing before...and knocking his socks off a month from now.  I can do it, I know I can.  I did it the first month.  No reasons or excuses can come in the way of making this next month absolutely AMAZING.

So, that's where I am right now.  

Now is the time to see what I have in me...and focus everything on getting this weight off, and keeping it off.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Till next time!

The Doctor's Results Are In!

Well, I went and had my one month doctor's check-up.

After the day I had had at work, I was very nervous about what the scale was going to show when I got there.  I was hot, a little dehydrated, and I just knew that the slight swelling I noticed around my ankles from standing all day were going to add some outrageous number to the number I was hoping for.

You see, I had spent all afternoon taking my students to an outdoor learning situation where staff from local state parks taught about the environment and nature.  The content is good stuff... but it's very hard to pay attention when it's 95 degrees, we're sitting in direct sunlight for over an hour, and there are bees and bugs constantly flying around.  I only had one bottle of water, that I drank after the excursion...and I had been on my feet the entire time we'd been there.  My class all sat on tarps at the various stations, but because of the giant grasshoppers and swarms of sweat bees that just wouldn't leave us alone, there was no way I was going to sit on the ground.

Anywho, by the time we got back to the school, I was tired, drenched in sweat, and my ankles and fingers were slightly swollen from the excessive heat and lack of water.  

Not the smartest idea, not taking more water, but I prepared to face my fate on the scale and plead my case to my doctor that the swelling was skewing my weigh-in results.

I got to my appointment about two minutes before the actual time of the appointment which was supposed to be 4:15.  But, then Jelly and I sat, and sat, and sat some more.  Jelly started getting really impatient after sitting for 30 minutes.  I started getting really impatient after sitting for 45 minutes. Finally, at 5:10, we got called back.  

The first stop was the scale.  I took off my shoes, handed my stuff to Jelly, and said a quick prayer before stepping up on the scale.  For a split second, I felt like a contestant on The Biggest Loser.  Like my fate rested on what the number was going to show me.  Was it enough to convince my doctor to let stay on the medicine or was I going to be sent home empty handed? 

The numbers rolled for a few seconds...and then....

251.4lbs

I actually let out a big "OH YEAH!"

That's the exact same number I had received on my weigh-in on Wednesday.  That told me straight away that there's a good chance I've lost some weight since then... because I'm pretty sure a weight at 5PM after the day I had was going to be a little off from my actual weight.

The nurse wrote the number down, but didn't say anything.  I was a little disappointed.  I figured this nurse would know that I was there to get a weight check, she was the nurse I saw at my first appointment, and surely my chart told her that's why I was there.  I expected a "good job" or something.

She showed Jelly and I in to a room and started typing on her little tablet.  It was then she looked up and said "You weighed 262.4lbs a month ago, you've lost 11lbs in a month... that's amazing!"

Finally, a little recognition for my hard work.  Yes.  Yes I did.  I did lose just about 11lbs in a month.

She then dropped a bombshell on me.  My doctor (or nurse practitioner, actually) that had prescribed me the medicine in the first place no longer worked in their office.  I'd be seeing a new nurse practitioner.  A male.  

I was a little upset by this.  I'd really liked the nurse practitioner I'd seen on my first visit.  She'd been through weight problems of her own.  She was encouraging and motivating and wanted to help me lose weight.  What if the new guy hated diet pills and refused to give me anymore?

The nurse took the rest of my vitals...blood pressure was great, so that was a relief.

The new guy finally came in.  A huge, burly man.  Dressed in blue jeans and a white shirt.  If it wasn't for the stethoscope wrapped around his neck, I would have assumed it was a patient that had stumbled in to the wrong room.  My nerves got pumped up again.  Here was a man that was very large, in weight terms, would he be willing to prescribe weight loss pills, or would he be one of those doctors that thought they were the devil?

He didn't really say much to me when he first came in, he barely glanced at me before sitting down.  He looked at my chart and then asked why I was there (still not looking up from the computer).  I told him that I had been prescribed the weight loss pill, and was there for my one month check up.  He then asked me if I'd actually lost any weight.  In a tone that almost sounded sarcastic... like he was expecting a thin me to be sitting there.  He had no idea what I looked like a month ago, so why he was talking to me like that I wasn't sure.  It's not like he'd even looked at me at all since walking in the room.

I then told him I'd lost 11lbs.  In a month.

He typed a few things on his computer, and then finally looked up at me.

Finally, a smile moved across his face.  I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.  I'd only been with this guy for two minutes, but I was already starting to feel like this would be a huge mistake. Like I couldn't stay seeing him.  He wouldn't be the kind, caring, supportive APN like I'd seen the month before.  

He looked me in the eyes, and said "That's very good!  Eleven pounds in a month, even with a pill, is a big success.  Apparently, the pill is working."  

Phew.  OK.  Maybe this wouldn't be so bad.

He then went on to ask how I was doing with eating and exercise.  I told him I'd been maintaining a 1200 calorie diet...and he scoffed.  He immediately told me that there'd be no way I could maintain that.  

I then scoffed myself and said quite proudly "Apparently I can, because I've gone an entire month eating that way and it's become somewhat of a habit.  I eat three meals a day, and every single day my calories are right around the 1200 mark.  I don't feel hungry or deprived, and I 100% believe that I can maintain eating that way for as long as I need to.  The problem will actually come when I have to up that calorie amount."

He sat there for a second quite stunned.  He looked at me carefully.  He let out a sigh and then.... APOLOGIZED.  For what, I'm not exactly sure.  Maybe for his stiff upper lip attitude, or his nonchalance for why I was there, or for doubting that I was able to follow through on my commitment.  But, after the apology, he softened...quite a bit.

He told me that he was very happy with the progress I've made, and that he hopes that when I see him again in a month I would have made the same type of progress.  He told me that he saw determination in my eyes, and that was something quite rare when it came to handing out diet pills.  He told me that way too often, people come in wanting weight loss pills and expecting them to be the fix-all and cure-all to their problems.  They continue to eat like crap, but then wonder why they're not seeing the results they wanted.  I, apparently, wasn't one of those people.  He told me that if I had, indeed, already starting putting the habits into place with my eating...then half of my troubles were already passed me.  That as long as I stayed as committed as I was in that moment, then I would definitely lose the weight.

Finally.  Just what I was wanting to hear.

He asked me how I was doing with exercise.  I laughed, and then looked to the ground.  I bit my lip and told him that was one area I was still struggling.  I told him that I had gone on a few 3-4 mile walks in the month, but that was about it.  But, that I was a teacher and on my feet most of the day.

He then laughed (a friendly laugh this time) and told me that our jobs weren't exercise.  If they were, neither him nor I would weigh what we weigh.  But rather than give me a lecture on how important it was for me to exercise, he simply told me that losing 11lbs with just changing my eating habits was a huge feat.  And that if that was the case, just imagine what I could do if I started making exercise a habit.  

I agreed.

If I could lose 11lbs in a month with hardly any exercise, I could definitely increase that number significantly if exercise became my focus for this next month.

He then smiled, tapped a few more keys in to his computer, and told me that my next month's prescription would be waiting for me at my pharmacist.  And to make an appointment in another month.

And that was it.  He said goodbye and walked out.

When I walked up to the counter to make my next appointment, I asked the receptionist if the wait would be so bad the next time.  She then informed me that the other receptionist had made a big boo-boo that day and had overbooked the APN several times, which had put him in quite a mood.  Well, that explained a lot.  She told me that next time, I shouldn't have to wait so long...and that he'd probably be in a better mood.

Driving back to the school to pick up the kids from their practices, I really started thinking about what had just happened.  It hadn't all gone as I'd planned, but I at least received the affirmations that I was hoping for.  I had made great progress.  I had exceeded the expectations set before me.  But, I knew that most people lose the most amount of weight the first few weeks of trying.  The second month was going to be a challenge, to pull off similar or better numbers than the first.

But, I decided to myself that I would stick the course, up the ante, and take myself back to the doctor a month later down at least another 11lbs...hopefully more.  I'm just getting started.  I have a very long way to go.  There's no reason that I should start losing momentum yet.  I even decided to set myself a mini goal.  

I weighed 262.2lbs on my first visit to the doctor.

I weighed 251.4lbs on the first month's check-up.

I want to see 239lbs or below on my next visit.  Meaning that I need to lose 12.4lbs before I go back on October 9th (my next appointment).  

I hate to set goals like that, but it also gives me something to focus on.  Commit to.  The appointment is in 4 1/2 weeks from now.  That means I need to lose at least 2 3/4 pounds each week between now and then.  

Knowing that I can walk in to my next appointment having lost 24lbs in two months would be freaking awesome.  And I believe it to be totally doable.

And I'm going to work my tail off to do it.  

Commit.  Focus.  Stay strong.

My new mantra for the next month.  

Right now, it's time for breakfast.  

Have a great weekend!!

Till next time!

Time for My Monthly Check-Up

Seems kinda unreal that it's already been a full month since I decided to go to the doctor for a check-up, and walked away with a prescription for weight loss pills.

And in order to keep that prescription, apart of the terms requires a monthly visit to check on my weight and blood pressure.  

Today would be that day.

I hate the fact that I don't have my appointment until 4:15 this afternoon.  Simply because by that time, I've eaten breakfast and lunch and drank several cups of water.  So, the weight that will be reflected on the scale won't be my accurate weight.  But, it's also the same time that I had my last appointment, so I guess it's a better reflection of the weight loss if I take that in to consideration.

I'll admit that I stood on the scale this morning, just so I could get an idea of the difference between what my scale says this morning and what the scale will say this afternoon.  This morning, I saw 251lbs.  Which is 0.4lbs less than I weighed on Wednesday.  It's also 11.2lbs less than what I weighed at my first doctor's visit.  That's awesome, in my books.  If I see a number within 1lb of that number, it will tell the doctor that I've lost at least 10lbs since I last saw her.  Hopefully, she'll be as impressed with that number as I am.  If it shows a little more than that, I'll be sure to tell her what my scale says first thing in the morning.  

One thing I do have in my favor is the fact that I'm going on a mini field trip with my kiddos this afternoon.  We have a conservation lesson at a state park, and the temperature outside is going to be HOT.  Standing outside, and walking around will definitely make me sweat.  I'll be guzzling water, but hopefully the sweat will prevent too much water weight from being depicted on the scale this afternoon.

But honestly?  I'm not that worried.  Unless my scale is completely broken and has been feeding me nasty, untrue weights these past four weeks...I'm going to be happy with whatever the scale says.  It should still show good progress.  It should still show that I've done what I was asked to do, and that I am committed to losing the weight.  My doctor, herself, told me that a healthy weight loss is about 2lbs a week.  Even if they document that I've only lost 10lbs since my last visit, that's more than 2lbs a week.  And that's just with changing my eating habits, I can't put exercise in to that success... because there hasn't been enough of it to really make an impact.

Yesterday, I put on a pair of pants that did NOT fit me a couple of months ago.  In fact, the last time I wore them was around the beginning of the school year last year.  By the end of the year, I had gained too much weight to even get them buttoned.  They are a size 18.  I have several pairs of size 18 pants, but very few them actually fit me by May.  I had gained too much weight, and I had to move in to size 20 and 22 pants.  Knowing that I'm making enough progress to fit in to a pair of pants I couldn't even button a few months ago is a wonderful feeling.  

I paired the pants with a shirt that clung to my waist.  And, for the first time since getting this thing started, people actually noticed I'm losing weight.  My own Butter, bless him, walked behind me at work yesterday and told me he noticed I "didn't jiggle as much when I walked".  Not exactly the sweetest compliment, but kids are honest.  I took it as a nice compliment.

Several others made comments about how good I was starting to look...that there was definite difference in my waist line and my size.  It's about freaking time!! Kidding.  Not really.  

I don't expect people that I see every day to notice minor differences.  And when I'm as big as I am, a 13lbs weight loss is still pretty minor.  Yes, my waist has gotten a little smaller, but when someone sees me every single day - I can understand that they won't notice straight away. 

Apparently, the minor is finally starting to take shape.  It's becoming somewhat noticeable.  Gotta be happy about that, right?

I'm going to try another pair of pants today that I know didn't fit me a few months ago.  Just to make sure that it wasn't just a fluke, or I was mistaken about the pants I wore yesterday.  I have a pair of capris that I had stashed away because I got so frustrated when I couldn't button them back in May.  I'm digging them out this morning to compare my progress.  I actually remember the last time I tried to put them on, and I actually cried!  If those babies go one today... tears may actually flow again.  But for a whole different reason.  Even if I still can't button them, I should be able to get a sense of the changes I've made.  Even them being a little on the snug side will still be OK.  Seriously, the last time I tried to get them on... there was no hope of getting them buttoned.  All the Crisco in the world wouldn't have got them on.  

Right now, I have to run, but tomorrow I will be sure to let you all know how the doctor's visit went as well as my capri trying experiment. I'm actually excited to go, and excited to hear the doctor's thoughts on my progress.  

And of course, sharing every detail of it with you all.

So, until then...

Have a wonderful Friday!!

Till next time!