I really don't mean to only be writing here once a week. I just really don't have that much to share, and then I find that I get myself in to a rut of repeating the same thing over, and over, and over again.
I'm doing OK.
I'm still hanging in there.
Even though the kids' sports all ended, last week wasn't any less crazy or busy. I spent Monday and Tuesday night at Parent Teacher conferences. Tuesday, I didn't even get home until midnight because Butter had his last football game - that I couldn't go to - so after I was all finished with conferences, I had to wait until he got back...and it was close to 11PM.
I did get two days off of work this week, though. And the sad part is that even though I got time off work, I really didn't do much with those days. In terms of helping my weight loss situation. It would have been a perfect time to get out and do some walking...but I didn't. I wanted to rest. I wanted to relax.
I have been a little better about taking my pills this week. And watching what I've been eating. I haven't logged everything I've eaten, but my decisions about what I have eaten have been more sensible.
These past few weeks I've felt like a failure. I've felt like I've slowly been falling off the side of a cliff. At times I am desperately trying to hold on, and others I think it would be easier just to let go.
I had such spirit and motivation a couple of months ago. And so much success. I lost a HUGE amount of weight that first month, and I'm not sure why that wasn't enough to keep me motivated to continue doing what I was doing. But it wasn't. I've had to be so diligent with myself. Stopping myself doing something I know I'll regret, eating too much. And it's a hard pill to swallow.
Yesterday, I decided to put away all of my summer clothes and get out my fall/winter closet. As I was unpacking the cute sweaters and pants, I wondered to myself if the pants would even fit. They are size 18, most of them. Have I lost enough for them to be used? Or will I be left with a bunch of clothes hanging in my closet that don't fit?
One good thing is that I haven't gained any weight since I last checked in. I'm still teetering around the 246lbs mark. That's what I weighed on Wednesday, however, I haven't checked since then. I'm maintaining my weight, but I still weigh far too much to get to such a plateau. I know I haven't stalled losing weight because I'm at a point where I need to up my game. It's simply following through on what I was doing. Being consistent with 1200 calories a day, for one. And then if I did the walking my doctor told me to do, I know that the weight would disappear.
So, why is it such a mental game to get myself to do it?
It's not as though it's hard. I'm not really having to do a lot of work to do those two little things. I plan my food, I go for a walk. Simple. Yet, I'm the person that makes it 100 times harder than it needs to be, and is the main reason why the scale hasn't moved in a few weeks.
I think back a few weeks to the amount of people that were noticing the changes I was making. I was receiving daily compliments and questions about what I was doing to lose the weight. People were noticing that my body was starting to look a little different.
Those have all stopped now. Changes aren't as apparent anymore. No, I haven't gained anything back... but by this point in time I should be another 20lbs or so lighter. I should be celebrating another notch down in the belt buckle, another size down in my pant size, pictures of solid change.
I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. Yes, I'm having a little pity party for myself...something else I said I'd stop doing. But it's frustrating. Being at the controls of my own body and mind, yet still having so much trouble getting them to do what I want them to do. I have the desire, but I suck at the follow through.
I'm not going to give up. I can't. I'll hold on to the edge of the cliff for as long as it takes.
I just need to focus on taking one day at a time, again. I'm convinced that at some point, something will click inside of me to really fuel my fire and get me off my caboose to losing MAJOR weight. Until that happens, I just have to mentally take tiny little steps. Get through a day without slipping on my food intake. Taking my pill. Eating three meals and calculating the calories. Just little steps in the right direction.
Hopefully I'll be here on Wednesday showing some form of a gain. Let's all keep our fingers crossed.
People tell me all the time how hard weight loss is... but, when I sit down like I am right now, I realize that it's really not. It's more about giving up a lifestyle that becomes so comfortable... so easy. The steps to lose weight are all VERY easy. But, it's the follow through. The mindset. The complete and utter change to the comfortable and normal that's the difficult part.
And that's the stuff I need to focus on right now.
Till next time!