Sunday, June 30, 2013

That's Just What I Needed

Yesterday morning, I had planned on getting up early and going for a morning walk.  With the temperatures we've been having, I figured I'd have to make it pretty early... because I just wouldn't feel like it if it was too muggy outside.

Well, I didn't get up early enough.  It was close to 9AM when I did get out of bed, but was very pleasantly surprised when I walked outside to feel that it was cool and not humid at all.  After writing my blogs, I decided it wasn't too late - and a morning walk was exactly what I needed.  Not for exercise, but just to destress and have some alone time.

So, I threw on my work-out clothes, put my earphones in my ear, turned on my music, and hit the pavement.

I didn't turn on any apps or trackers to track my distance or pace.  Again, it wasn't about the exercise.

I walked to the park, and then proceeded to walk around the track.  My intention was to walk a couple of laps and then just walk back home...start off small, you know?

Well, I got to the park, and started walking.  And then I walked.  And walked.  And walked some more. I ended up doing 5 or 6 laps around the park... not sure which, but I'm pretty sure it was 6.  I was trying not to count, but I couldn't really help myself.  I just told myself I'd keep walking until I didn't want to walk anymore.  In fact, the only reason I stopped when I did was because time was getting on and I had to get home to get ready to go out and play bingo with my mom.

I'm pretty sure I could have done another few laps before I was ready to stop.  Heck, I'm pretty sure I could have walked all felt so great being out there.

I only stopped briefly for the photo op.

That's a genuine smile of content on my face.  I was in my element.  My zone.  I absolutely loved it.  In fact, the only reason I'm not there doing the same thing at this very moment is because I'm expecting company in just a little while and had to get ready for that.  But, if the weather is like it is right now later this evening... I'm totally going back to do it again.

While I didn't track my distance while walking, I was curious this morning how much I actually walked.  I was able to find out that it's exactly 1 mile from my house to the park.  So, there's two miles I walked without even including the park laps.  Back in the day, I ran at that park quite often.  The trail around the park is about 1/3 mile.  So, if I did do 6 laps, I walked a total of 4 miles yesterday morning.  

That's insane!

There's me thinking that I would have to start out with my little 15 minute walks, and I'm able to jump back in to walking 4 miles...and I totally could have kept going.  I like that feeling.  A lot.  

I like it so much, that I've decided there's no reason I can't jump right back in to the C25K program and get back to running a lot sooner than planned.  I'm going to let my mood decide what I do each day.  If I'm in the mood to just walk... I'll just walk.  When I'm in the mood to up the intensity... I'll run.

One thing I am not very happy with right now is the stupid scale.  I stood on it this morning and saw a pretty significant gain.  I was ready to throw the stupid thing through the window.  My eating has been pretty good since last Wednesday, and I've kept below my calorie goal each day.  With as much exercise I've been getting, and as much water I've been drinking - I should not see gains like I'm seeing.  

Something's not right.

And it's ticking me off...big time.

Which is why I've made the decision to ditch the stupid scale for a couple of weeks...maybe even a month.  There's just no way I can fully enjoy my increasing endurance with the number on the scale looming over my head.

So, I figure I'll just start using my clothing as my guide.  I'll occasionally check in with clothing that's been on the snug side to see how they are fitting.  

Just this morning, I put on a pair of capris that basically made me feel like I was being cut in half a few weeks ago...that went on pretty easily this morning.  Still tight, but not near the suffocating tightness I experienced a few weeks ago.

How can that happen if I'm truly gaining weight instead of losing it?

Same thing with my bathing suit.  When we first started swimming in our pool about a month ago, I had to squeeze my behind in to my bathing suit from last year.  Now, I'm having to keep pulling the bottoms up because they keep falling down.  Yes, it's a two piece, but it's a full coverage two piece... I'm not that stupid.

I'm not expecting miracles, here.  I know that I haven't lost that much in a couple of weeks to do any major dropping a dress size or anything like that.  But, I know for sure that I haven't gained the weight back that I lost last week and another couple of pounds on top of that.  That just can't be accurate.  

I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing.  Enjoying my activeness.  Eating way less than I normally eat.  And just see what happens over the next few weeks in the clothing department.  

If, in a couple of weeks, nothing has changed with my clothing... then I'll reevaluate and see what the heck is going on.

But, right now, I have to get off of here because my company should be here any second.

Till next time!

a/k/a Mad, Fat Woman

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Can it Be as Easy As One, Two, Three?

I've been writing A LOT about exercise since starting up this blog again.  Which is kinda funny, being that I first started out saying that I wasn't going to spend a lot of time worrying about exercise.  

But, I also said that I wouldn't do any fancy diet programs.  I would just watch my calorie intake, eat smaller portions, and avoid white sugar and flour.  Not much of a plan, more of a smart way to eat... that should ultimately have the affect of helping me lose weight.

Planning for eating healthy is pretty easy.  Just planning meals, buying healthier foods, and limiting any junk from entering the house.  I say limit - because at the end of the day, I may be extremely overweight and trying to lose weight, but I refuse to make my children have absolutely no sweets or treats.  They are all very active children, and I see no harm in a sweet treat for them now and then.. in moderation.

But, what about me?  One thing I know about myself is that I can go for a long time without eating anything I shouldn't... but eventually, I fall victim to a temptation and over indulge.  It's always the same process, because I've kept myself from it for so long that one tiny bite or taste causes me to go all stupid and eat WAY too much of whatever it is.

So, the other day, the principal brought donuts to school for all the teachers and bus drivers.  She offered me one and I said no immediately.  I told her I've been working so hard with the kids, I wasn't going to ruin it by eating something like that.  No more sweets for me!

And then, she shared with me a little plan that she's going to try...and when I heard it, I got a little intrigued.

Her plan is simple.  Every third "treat" she comes in to contact with, she's going to eat.  Meaning, if in the morning she's offered a donut...she'll decline.  If at lunch, there are cookies for the staff...she'll decline.  Mid-afternoon, if a student brings her a cupcake from a birthday party...she'll eat it, because it was the third sweet treat she was offered.  So instead of going home at the end of the day having eaten donuts, cookies, and a cupcake.  She would have only eaten a cupcake, which wouldn't do too much damage.  

I tried it that same day.  I didn't eat the donut.  I didn't eat cookies at lunch.  But, I had the Pepsi that a student bought for me from the snack cart.  Then the cycle starts over.  No cookies offered to me by a student that same afternoon, no cookies the next day at lunch time, but I got a shake from Sonic that night... because that was the third temptation.

Yesterday morning I was offered an ice-cream bar for a morning celebration by one of the teachers.  I declined.  I was offered ice-cream again at lunch, I declined again.  Last night, the idea came up for grabbing take-out for dinner.  I was at my third offer, so I accepted.  We ended up getting Chinese food.  That was hardly considered a small "treat" but had I not been at my third offer, I would have declined and made us eat something different.

While I'm still eating stuff I shouldn't be, I'm cutting my sweet (and junk) intake by two-thirds.  It helps me see how many temptations I'm confronted with each day...and I know that the old me gets offered and tempted with stuff so much, that it's got to have some kind of positive impact.  

Take the examples I gave.  In one day, it's nothing for me to eat breakfast, and then have a donut.  Lunch with some kind of cake or cookies for dessert.  Sweet treats in the afternoon offered by students or because of birthday celebrations.  Dessert and sweets in the evening.  Rinse and repeat.  Breakfast and ice-cream.  Lunch and ice-cream.  Take-out dinner.  The amounts of calories I would have consumed, had I accepted everything, is WAY off my calorie intake allowance.  I may go over my allowance by allowing myself every third temptation... but I'll take going over by 50-100 calories rather than 500 to 1000 calories.  

I know that there are many people out there that can avoid sweets and junk food like the plague.  The thought of anything that doesn't fit in to their healthy eating plans turns their stomach and makes them run for the hills.  I idolize those people, but face the reality that I'm not one of them.  I know the damage that crap foods do to my body... hello, I'm living in the damage.  It may make me weak, it may make people think that I'm not really all that committed if I'm allowing myself any form of foods that don't fall in to a healthy lifestyle... but I'm a realist.  I know that there are days when I want to enjoy a chocolate bar, a few chips, a soda, or an adult beverage.  I also know that I just can't eat stuff like that all day long or whenever I want.  I have to have some boundaries, some control.  By only opting for the third thing that comes my way.. I'm limiting myself.  

I'm also adding my own little rule - no more than one thing per day.  Meaning if I get to my third temptation twice in the same day, I will have to wait until the next day.  If that happens, I can have the first thing that's presented the following day, but then the cycle starts over.  If I get to the third thing before the day is over... I still have to decline.  That make sense?

I know I could just say that I only get one sweet or junky thing a day, but it could also play out that I don't get three offers in one day.  While I'm at home, it may be a lot different.  I might go all day long without coming in to contact with any temptations.  I might only come in to contact with one temptation.  If that happens, I could go two or three days without actually accepting a temptation.  So, that's why the 1, 2, 3 factor is somewhat important.  By allowing myself one temptation a day, there's not really that much control that comes in to play.  If I go all day and then want dessert, I have to decline.. because it was the first temptation.  So that's an entire day I've gone without anything I shouldn't eat.  The next day, the kids may want ice-cream.  I have to decline, because that's only the second temptation.  On day three, we may decide to get slushes or shakes.  I can then have one.  And that's two days I've gone with good eating habits and no junk food.

It may sound crazy or stupid, but I'm trying it.  We'll see how it goes.  I'm also going to add another factor... if I'm already at my calorie intake for the day and my temptation has more than 200 calories, I have to decline.  In my mind, if it's early in the day when I get to my third temptation, I can watch how much I eat for the rest of the day to keep me inline with my calorie restrictions.  

In my mind, this is a realistic way of dealing with my food issues.  No matter how much I try, I have NEVER been able to stand strong enough for long enough to completely dispel any and all forms of junk food from my diet.  I don't drink much soda... hardly any.  But, when I tell myself that I absolutely can't have any - I start to want some.  I don't drink much alcohol...hardly any.  But, when I tell myself I can't have a single drop, I start to want some.  It's the same with any and all food and drink that falls in to the same category.  But, at least this way, I know that I can have it...eventually.  And in strict moderation.

We'll see how it goes.  Today, though, I get to have a ME day.  A day all alone, by myself.  I'm going to play bingo.  I can't wait... so I better get to getting some stuff done around here.

Till next time!

a/k/a Mad, Fat Woman

Friday, June 28, 2013

Mother Nature Has My Back

First off, let me start by saying thanks for the comments and emails I received yesterday about my blog post.  It's so nice to hear from people when they get what I'm trying to say.  I wasn't looking for attention or sympathy - I was truly just letting out some feelings that were messing with my head, and it helped me see things more clearly.  Thank you to those of you that got that, and sent such great words of encouragement.

Today is the day I've been dreading.  The last day of summer school.  At 3PM today, I'll have my summer back...and my routine and daily work-out schedule will be all on me to come up with.  

No more alarm waking me up at 5AM.  No more strict rotation schedule putting me outside for 2 1/2 hours each afternoon to play games and sweat my behind off.  No more group of awesome kids encouraging me to keep up with them, and do a little butt kicking in the process.

I'll be all on my own.

When it comes to putting up or shutting up about my exercise desires.

Yesterday and the day before, we received record breaking temps.  The temperature reached the high nineties on both days, with heat indexes well above the 100 mark.  Not the ideal situation for trying to work-out for 2 hours.  

Thankfully, we had the summer school talent show in the afternoon yesterday - so I didn't have to worry about it.

But, it made me think.  It's not going to get any cooler the further in to summer that we get.  In order for me to get back to running, I'm going to have to come up with a game plan in order to make it work.

A quick check of the weather forecast for the next 10 days tells me that Mother Nature has my back.  She's on my side.  She wants me to have a good start to my plans.

Because not a single day over the next 10 days is it supposed to get in to the nineties.  All the temps are in the lower to mid eighties range... which makes for excellent jogging weather.

My plan is to get up each morning and go for a walk.  Just a walk.  Thirty minutes or so.  Then, maybe try a little jogging thrown in there after a couple of days.  Then, slowly start introducing a few minutes of running.  I'm going to get my iPod ready with some high energy music that makes me want to move...and then use it to keep my movement rate.  

I know that as the weather starts to really heat up, I'll have to drag my behind out of bed at the butt crack of dawn in order to be safe.  Which isn't actually a bad thing.  While I don't want to spend my entire summer getting up at day break - a few times a week won't hurt.  In fact, I think it will be great.  I actually love this time of the morning.  It's quiet.  Not many people up and about.  The park and the walking track will be pretty deserted, except for the few people that enjoy this time of the day as much as I do.  

It's just getting out of bed that's the hard part.  Once I'm up, I actually love the peace and quiet.  

While I have tons of stuff planned for the upcoming week, none of those plans include anything taking place at dawn.  So there is absolutely no excuse for me to not take the opportunity to do what I can before the activities for the day start.  

On days where I don't have that much going on, I'll be in the pool for a couple of hours - no doubt - and I'm determined to try out the MMA training game I bought for my PS3 a couple of years ago, but didn't even open.  That's a great work-out plan that can take place right in my living room - in the AC.  

I've learned enough about my exercise likes and dislikes to know that I need something high energy and competitive.  Just because I can't compete in any actual sports, pretending that I'm training for fights might be enough to satisfy my craving.  HA!  I know that MMA fighters go through vigorous training routines, and the game is supposed to offer similar training techniques.  We shall see.

I also own an Insanity type DVD program.  It's not the same, but similar.  Haven't used it, either.  So, maybe I can dust it off as well.  

I might actually also start setting up my Yoga garden this week, while the weather isn't too bad.  I missed the deadline for getting much planting done, but I'm noticing that a few plants are starting to bloom out there that were already planted.  My rose bush is looking a little frail, from the lack of water, but I've got some sunflowers blooming.  I love sunflowers!  

Even if the garden serves as nothing more as a meditation place... I'll be OK with that.  I know the Sun Salutation by memory, so I could at least do that when I'm out there.

OK, I really need to start getting ready for my final day of summer school.  I'm dreading it.  I never expected to feel this way.  I really thought I'd be excited on the last day... but I'm not.  I'm going to miss those kids.  I'm going to miss our games.  And I'm going to miss the structure my life has had for the past two weeks.  

But, I'll get over it.  I'll do what I gotta do.  I have to start working on the new me that will be appearing in August...and I want it to be a shocker.

Till next time!

a/k/a  Mad, Fat Woman

Thursday, June 27, 2013

A Picture's Worth a Thousand Words

Have you ever had one of  those days where you just feel a little "off"?  Not really sure how to say it... but you're not in a bad mood, not sad, but just don't feel your normal, perky, happy self?

I woke up feeling that way this morning.  At 3:10am.  And I just haven't been able to go back to sleep.  

I'm not sure if I maybe had a weird dream that caused me to wake up feeling the way I did - but it's not my normal, chirpy, morning self.  I've been sitting on my patio for about 20 minutes now, cup of coffee in hand, just letting my mind wander.  I have so many thoughts racing through my mind...but no real rhyme or reason as to why the melancholy feeling is hanging over my head.

Maybe it's the realization that I only have 2 days left of summer school - and it's a little scary and sad.

Maybe it's because I've been so happy and chipper for the past week or so, that my body is starting to run low on happy and needs a few moments to be not so happy.

Maybe it's a mixture of things that are so jumbled up in my head, that it's hard to process them individually.

I don't know.

But it's not a feeling I like, even though it's a feeling I can't really explain.  

Weird, huh?

Yesterday was a good day.  I had a lot of fun, despite it being the hottest day we've had so far this year.  The sun was a scorcher, and by the end of the afternoon - not a single person wanted to do any form of running around or playing kickball.  We opted for sitting in the shade, instead.  

I did get in a couple of good games earlier in the afternoon, though.

One of my students decided to capture a few photos of me out there playing.  As I looked through the photos, I was in shock.  How is it possible that pictures can give such different perspectives of a person's body?  Or I should say, give me such different perspectives.

The day before, the same student took this picture...

I cut her out of the picture due to privacy... but I really LOVE this picture of the two of us.  And I don't say that about many pictures.  I have so many photos of just my face that make me cringe.  

Take this one for example...taken just a couple of weeks ago...

I like the picture of Jelly and I, but I really don't like the way I look in the photo.  I have a similar expression and it's taken from the same angle, yet in this picture I feel like my face is super round...and my double chin is extremely noticeable.  I don't get that feeling from the first picture.

Then, I started to look at the pictures from the game... again, I've cropped them to take out as many students as I could...

This one I don't mind too much.  OK, it's clear from my legs and arms that I'm packing several extra pounds... but my stance doesn't make my mid region look too terribly bad.

And then I saw these...

I look at these photos and hurt inside.  Just look at how much damage I've done to my body... how much hard work I've let go over the past couple of years.  It's a very hard pill to swallow, when I know that I looked like this just two short years ago...

That's me hovering right around the 210lbs mark.  A place I loved being, even though I was still overweight.  

And, now I'm starting to think I know the reason for my semi-blues this morning.

You see, this past week, I've felt strong and powerful.  I've felt pretty accomplished that a 260lbs woman can run around a playground in 90 degree weather.  I've wallowed in the realization that my weight doesn't have to hold me back from being active...that I can still do many things I didn't think I could do.

But, now, I think my brain is sending me a big wake up call.  It's warning me not to get too excited over the feats I've been able to conquer this week.  It's reminding me that even though I still have more strength and physical abilities than I thought I did - it's not good enough.

Do I really want to be a 260lb woman that can run around a playground?

Of course not.

Do I really want to look like I do in those pictures, even though they are pictures of me being active and physical?

Absolutely not.

Yes, I've had a lot of fun this past week.  The students have shown me more respect and love and  encouragement than I ever thought possible.  I know in my heart that the kids that have enjoyed spending time with me this week haven't made fun of me behind my back or said nasty things about my weight.  But, I also know that I get looks of shock when I say I'm going to run the bases.  I know that when I want to sit down, they get a little nervous look on their faces about me sitting on the rickety old benches.  I know that they offer me way more room than I actually need, because they are providing perspective on how big they think my rear end is.

And I don't like those feelings.  Not one bit.  

So, what am I going to do about it?

For so long, I've just tried to push my weight issue to the back of my mind.  I've tried to convince myself that being overweight is just who I am - who I will always be.  I've tried so many times to lose weight, and no matter how much I accomplish - I always end right back up where I started.  It's just not worth the time or hassle. 

But, no matter how hard I try... I just can't shake the feeling that I just can't live that way.

Settling or accepting my weight just doesn't work for me.  

How many times can I say it, though, without actually committing and doing it?

Too many.  That's for sure.

Way too many.

I kick myself over and over again about letting myself fail after accomplishing so much.  I lost 80 freakin' pounds two years ago.  In a matter of a year.  The time flew by, and I was feeling the changes to my body and loving every minute of it.  I cried the first time I put on a pair of size 16 pants - and didn't have a huge muffin top sticking out of them.  Cried.  Real tears.  Of joy and happiness and accomplishment.  And I didn't even have to break the 200lb mark to feel that way.

Now, if I were to lose 80lbs again... I'd be below 200lbs, and only 20lbs away from my goal weight.

It's a crazy thought... but not an unrealistic one.  I know, because I've done it before.

Why the hell couldn't I do it again?

There's only one answer for that question.

I absolutely CAN.

And will.

I have to.

Because no matter how hard I try... I know that I just can't be a 260lb me.  Even if I die trying to get rid of that me.

So, I guess I should be thanking my brain this morning.  For giving me the literal wake up call I've been needing.  

Sure, I've committed to losing the weight again...with the rebirth of this blog and the words that have come out of my mouth this past couple of weeks.

But, the words just aren't enough.  

And a few games of frisbee football and kickball aren't enough.

I've lost 1 pound in the past two weeks... big, freakin' whoop.

Something's not working.  There's so much more that needs to mesh in order for me to do what I gotta do.  

And I say this.  With the most certain tone of voice that I can muster.

On August 12th, when I go back to work, I won't be the 260lb woman anymore.  I will be a smaller version of her... not that much smaller, but smaller.  

And this time next year... I'm going to be the person I've always wanted to be, and more.  Or less.  Depends on how you look at it.  I will be at my goal weight by this time next year.  

I am going to freakin' do it this time.  NO MATTER WHAT!  

I just can't live this way any longer.  

It's going to take dusting off my work-out DVDs.  It's going to take dragging my behind out of bed at 7am every morning for a walk/jog.  It's going to take recording what I'm eating and going back to fresh, wholesome foods... no more sugar or white flour or crap.  It's going to take counting my calorie intake and staying under my allotted amount.  It's going to take drinking water by the gallons.

And I know it's going to take all of that, because that's what got me where I was before.  And it's not worth reinventing the wheel.  It's just about putting the chain back on the bike and continuing the journey I started long ago - and got deterred from.

And it starts TODAY!  

Till next time!

a/k/a Mad, Fat Woman

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Weigh-In Wednesday

Here we are at another Wednesday.  Time sure does fly by when you're having fun.  I can't believe I only have 3 days left of summer's gone by so fast!  

It has been a really hard transition from frisbee football to kickball.  The kids just don't have their hearts in playing kickball, and I have heard nothing but sad comments about how much they miss their beloved frisbee game.  

I've still managed to work up quite a sweat playing our games of kickball, but my body just doesn't ache like it did last week.  I'm not working near as many muscles just kicking a ball and running the bases... or standing around waiting for a ball to come my way if I'm playing the outfield.  Blocking giant children, running up and down a make shift football field, and dragging kids around that are trying to tackle me is what got me that wonderful achey sensation that is no longer there.

I was a little sore yesterday... but from the tenderness of my shoulders that received just a little too much sun.  

Today is weigh-in day.  

I started off two weeks ago weighing 260lbs.  Last week, I gained 0.2lbs pushing me up to 260.2lbs.  

This week?

I am 258.8lbs.  

A loss of 1.4lbs from last week, 1.2lbs in total.

Not really sure how I feel about that.  I mean, OK, I lost.  But one pound?  Not really much to be celebrating... is it?

I think my scale may need new batteries.  No.  I'm not kidding...or making excuses.  I just know that when I stood on it this morning, and then moved it 6" across the floor - I got two different weights.  And I weighed on a ceramic tiled floor - so it wasn't a shifting of the floor causing it.  It's also been freezing up on me.  I went with the weight I got, because it was from the same place on the floor that I weighed last week.  I only tried it somewhere else because I just couldn't believe the number.  The other weight was a pound difference...not a huge difference, but I'm going to stick with the number for today because I feel like it's probably the most accurate.

I don't think that's the reason I only lost one pound... I'm just saying that my weigh-in was a little fluctuated because of it.  

While I am a little disheartened, I also remember that this happened to me during bootcamp.  I only lost 5lbs the entire 4 weeks of bootcamp... even though, three nights a week I was getting a work-out from Hades.  I was also on a very strict 2:1 protein/carb diet that I had to follow to a T in order to not have to do crazy amounts of extra push-ups at my sessions.  

I remember saying to one of my trainers that something was wrong with me... because what woman my size can go through that much torture and agony and only lose 5lbs?

I was surprised when I didn't get the whole "your body is turning fat in to muscle" speech I had heard from so many others.  My trainers just told me that I was putting my body in to shock.  It wasn't used to the activity after being dormant for so long.  It was gaining strength and endurance... but it would probably hold on to the weight (water weight mostly) until it got used to such a drastic change.

And they were right.  A few weeks after boot camp, and kicking my running in to high gear, I started dropping enormous amounts of weight.  

Not only that, but after 4 weeks of boot camp and only 5lbs lost, I did lose several inches from my starting measurements.  

I can only hope and pray that something like that is happening now.  

Because I've gone from doing absolutely no exercise for months and months (almost a year) to spending a couple of hours EVERY day working-out... maybe I have put my body in to shock.

Maybe it's going to take a little while for my body to start getting used to being active again..before I start seeing some results on the scale.

That's all I can think of right now.  Because I know I've gone through spouts where I just cut something out of my diet for a week (like carbs) and did no exercise at all and lost 5lbs in a week.  Surely, it's not possible to be doing this much exercise AND eating better and hardly lose anything...unless there is a valid reason.

I guess we'll have to see as the weeks continue to pass by.

Right now, though?  I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing...and hoping for the best.

Till next time!

a/k/a Mad, Fat Woman

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

True Confessions Tuesday

It's time to dust off an oldie but a goody.  That would be my weekly Confessions.  A day where I let out a few secrets I may be hiding about my weight loss efforts... both good and bad.

I confess... I played my first afternoon of kickball yesterday afternoon.  The kids had a good time.  I had a good time.  It's not near as exhausting as frisbee football was, but I worked up a good sweat.  Especially running those bases

I confess... I was a little surprised yesterday when a student asked me if I wanted her to run the bases for me.  When I asked her if she didn't think I could do it - she just gave me an uncomfortable look that basically told me she did not think I could run my fat behind all the way around all four bases.  Luckily, the other kids on my team had more faith in me...and told her to "just watch".  I then proceeded to kick the ball and run my happy behind around for a home run.  HA!

I confess... This past week I have done MUCH better with my eating both at home and at school.  I haven't had huge portions, and have asked to only be given as much as the kids get.  Not sure what kind of effect that will have on the scale this week, but hopefully it helps.

I confess... I have had one weakness this week.  Gummy Bears.  I bought a bag of them at Sam's a couple of weeks ago, and each night I've been having a handful (or two).  I know they are not good for me...and I know I shouldn't be eating them.  But, I have been.  Not huge amounts, but it has been pretty much every night.  A serving of 15 Gummy Bears is 160 calories.  I have tried to keep my eating to that many or fewer.  

I confess...I looked in to the possibility of doing a boot camp for July.  Unfortunately, there isn't another boot camp starting until September.  Which isn't surprising, being that they have to be concerned with stuff like heat exhaustion.  

I confess... I am still really nervous about exercise excitement once summer school is over.  I had a comment yesterday stating that if I couldn't find a team sport to participate in, then I could just focus on being a thinner, fitter teacher for August once I could get back to playing games with my students.  Definitely something to think about.  It could be my own version of Biggest Loser, that I have one month to lose as much weight as possible, so that I could have my "big reveal" once school starts up again.

I confess... My new haircut is awesome, and helps me feel much cooler after running around.  But, it also doesn't look very flattering after 3 hours of playing kickball.  When I left the school yesterday afternoon, my head resembled a dirty old mop that had just washed the floors. Wet.  All over the place.  SO messy!

I confess...I was a little sad when I found out that I only get to play kickball up until Wednesday.  Thursday afternoon there is going to be a talent show, and Friday there is going to be a dance.  Both will be fun, I'm sure... but it won't allow me any more fun in the sun with my kiddos.  Friday afternoon, though, I'm totally going to "drop it like it's hot" at the dance.  

And that's about all I got this week.  

Not too bad.

Till next time!

a/k/a Mad, Fat Woman

Monday, June 24, 2013

A New Look for a New Week

So, it's been a pretty good weekend.  But, I won't lie.  I've been counting the hours down for this morning to arrive.  Which is so weird... because I don't think I've ever said that about a Monday morning.

While I would never count down hours to a time I don't get to be with my family, I will count the hours down until I can feel the rush of adrenaline and excitement I get from a hard workout...especially one that I enjoy so much.  I don't get that from swimming or walking or jogging.  They are all what I consider my relaxation workouts.  I still work up a pretty good sweat from walking/jogging, and I can get some pretty good soreness from swimming - neither are as thrilling.  They help me clear my mind and give me some alone time, but apparently I am becoming a fan of team sports.

I guess you could say that I'm a bit of a warrior.

I crave exercise that is challenging, but also competitive.  I like to compete.  I like to feel victorious.  I like to be a part of a team.  It makes me feel strong, capable, and determined.  It gives me motivation to keep pushing because I don't want to let my team down.  Regardless of whether my team is made up of people my age or kids that just tower over me.

Friday, I have to admit, I felt pretty darned good about myself.  I felt good that I'd been able to keep up with those crazy kids...and it empowered me a little.  For years, I've been telling myself that I didn't want to be a fat teacher because I wanted to be able to run around and play with my students.  To still be fat and still get out there and run and play is a pretty good feeling.  Of course, being less fat would make it feel a lot better - I'm sure.  Which is probably why it's motivated me so much to keep working so that by this time next year, I'll be back in summer school running circles around those kids.

It's also given me a bit of a self-confidence boost.  In the sense that I don't feel as self conscious about the fact that nobody wants to watch a 250+lb woman running around a playground.  If any of those kids were making fun of me or calling me names or laughing at me, they did a darned good job of keeping it from me.  Because all I felt while I was out there with them was support and encouragement - and maybe a little shock because I was able to do what I was doing.

Which is why, this weekend, I decided it was time for a new look.  Something to go along with the feelings I'd been having on the inside about how much better I was feeling about myself.

Friday evening, I took this picture...

You see my hair in that pic?  It's in a pony tail.  Which is where it has stayed since it's been long enough to put in a pony tail.  Every day, I brush it and throw it in a pony tail.  Nothing else.  I just can't be bothered to do anything with it.  So, I decided it was time for this...

Yep.  Short.  Which is just how I love my hair.  Except for the fact that every time I get my hair cut short - I end up not really liking it, because it makes my face look fatter.  This time?  I LOVE IT!  I actually think it makes my face look less fat.  Just take a look at the two pictures.  Both taken within 24 hours of each other, but I think my face looks thinner with the haircut than without.  

You'll also notice in that picture that I'm sporting a dress.  Nice tan lines, right?  HA!  Yeah, that's something I haven't done in a while... wear a dress, I mean.  Not one that shows that much skin, anyway.  

I think it's truly amazing what a bit of exercise can do for a person.  I've stood on the scale since last Wednesday, and I've lost a tiny bit.. but still not that much.  But regardless of what the scale says, I can already feel my body starting to change.  Not in a physical sense, just yet, but definitely in the sense that it enjoys being pushed to the limit.  It enjoys being bashed and bruised just a little.  It definitely prefers feeling sore than feeling dormant.  

Only one week ago, I was the woman that did everything in her power to cover the body that I've grown to despise.  Baggy shorts.  Baggy t-shirts.  Especially if I was out in public.

While a week later, I'm not parading myself around in scanty, barely cover anything clothing, I'm also stepping out of my comfort zone just a little by wearing tank tops and dresses like the one in the picture (which, by the way, is actually a calf length maxi-type dress).  

I planned on writing this post yesterday.  But, to be honest, I was having a little inner conflict with myself.  I kept trying to convince myself that what I was feeling was stupid.  How on earth could I feel better about myself after only a week?  Is it really healthy to start feeling better about myself so fast?  Did that mean that I was going to be OK with staying the way I am, and just learning to love the body that I'm in being that I'm already starting to feel better about myself?

And you know what I realized this morning?

This sudden change in me isn't causing me to start loving and accepting the body I's making me more determined than ever to get my body to match my inner athlete.  That was the real wake up call.  I have an athlete inside of me.  Not just someone that wants to be more fit and thinner.  I want to feel the sculpt of muscles on my arms and legs.  I don't want a stomach that bounces around while I'm running and jumping around.  I want to look in the mirror and not see a beautiful woman, I want to see a strong and powerful woman.  

I feel her.  I just don't see her.  Yet.

I'm terrified that I only have a week left to feel the feelings I've been having for the past week.  What's next?  What do I do when my teams are gone and I'm left alone to try and motivate myself to continue the adrenaline rush?  

Well, I haven't quite figured that out completely just yet.  But, I don't see any reason why the kids and I can't go outside for an evening game of basketball or volleyball or even frisbee football.  My friend Cathy made the suggestion about trying boot camp again during the month I'm off.  Something to look in to.  If not that, I'm sure there has to be other things I can look in to.  There has to be.  And, if nothing else, I may have to up the ante on my getting back to running so that I can start competing in races or athletic charity events.  

I know I'm getting ahead of myself... but I really need to.  If I've learned anything about myself, it's that the desire to be thin just isn't enough to motivate me to do it.  The desire to be fit and a person that can take a few risks and compete with others does motivate me.  That feeling is what charges me and gets me all fired up.  

And I just can't lose that once this week is over.  I just can't.  I'm starting to remember just how felt those few years ago when I was doing things I never thought my body was capable of doing.  And I can't forget it again.  

So, this week, I move forward with the fierce attitude...and am determined to keep it with me.  

I know I have an athlete inside of me.  And she's dying to be set free.  Now it's time to break her out of her fat prison and let her lose on the world!

Till next time...

a/k/a Mad, Fat Woman

Saturday, June 22, 2013

R.I.P. Frisbee Football

Well, it happened.  The thing I was most afraid of.  My beloved Frisbee Football received the axe yesterday afternoon, and is now no more.

After being voted "Most Fun Class at Summer School" yesterday morning by a class that was putting together a school newspaper, I received a friendly email from my principal in the afternoon asking me to put an end to Frisbee Football.

My principal explained that tackle football is a broken bone waiting to happen, and that I couldn't let them tackle anymore.

I understand that.  I kinda knew that I was taking a big risk by letting them tackle - even if it was a lot less than what would occur in a regular game of football.  I can only speculate that word got out about the game and the principal heard about it and became.  I honestly don't think anyone complained or asked for the game to be stopped.  The kids were enjoying it too much for that.  I respect and honor my principal's concerns... she's right.  There was definitely a degree of danger I was gambling with.  

It was hard breaking it to my students.  I mourned the loss with them.  By letting one class know, word spread like wildfire and I was greeted by many concerned students in the hallways.  The nice thing was, the students were more concerned that I had gotten in to some kind of trouble.  Once they heard that no one was getting in to any trouble, we just had to come up with something else to do - the concern switched to how they would cope without their beloved game.

I have to admit, I was pretty heartbroken about it.  I had managed to get in one more great game before we received the email.  Two boys managed to pick me up and roll me to the ground like I was nothing more than a feather.  Of course, my two 8th grade bodyguards didn't take too kindly to it, and got my revenge for me.  I even managed to score a couple of touchdowns for my team... which was pretty awesome.

The last class of the day I took out for an extra recess, so I could wallow in self pity while they all did what they wanted to do.  I was given the opportunity to ask some of my boys if they wanted to come out with me - even though they weren't even in my class.  Despite receiving the bad news, they still came out with me.  They spent the time reassuring me that we'd think of something else.  I had really thought that my popularity had only centered around the game that I had allowed them to play. Apparently, I was wrong.  That gave me the boost I needed to devote myself to finding something else that would be just as fun for these kids.  

By the end of the day, the cafeteria (where the kids congregate waiting for their buses) was buzzing with the devastating news.  It really did feel like someone had died.  I was met with hugs and words of support from my students that I'd come up with something else for them to do - and no matter what, they'd still love being in my class.  They were sure that no matter what we did together, it would be fun.  

Then, one of my die hard football fans came up to me and said "What about kickball?"  I thought about it for a second, asked a few nearby students what they thought... and got the nods and shrugs of approval.

So, it appears, next week's sport will be kickball.  Probably not as near as rough on my body, but should still give me enough of a work-out to feel accomplished.  

It was a solemn drive home for me yesterday afternoon.  I was sad for my students, but I was also really sad for myself.  I had worked so hard all week putting in all of my energy every single day.  I had finally found a game I really enjoyed playing.  And, to hear that it would be no more was very sad and a little scary.  I needed that game just as much as my students did.  I felt so accomplished and strong after spending all afternoon running and jumping and throwing and being wrestled to the ground.  My body screamed in agony and victory each and every day.  

Even that last game that I played yesterday was enough for me to hobble out of bed this morning with that sweet feeling of soreness.  I had originally planned on getting up and attempting some jogging, but I needed a bit of a rest.  However, tomorrow morning, I'm getting up before it gets too hot and I'm going to go for a much needed meditative walk/jog.  Even if it's just to clear my mind and prepare for doing what I need to do to pump up my kids (and myself) Monday when they all come to my class expecting to have just as much fun as they had all this week.

What I am realizing, though, is that regardless how short lived my game was... it did have one very important special outcome.  It made me fall back in love with being active.  It made me relive the days when I yearned for exercise that I enjoyed.  It made me resurrect that active person inside that's being lying dormant for so long.  I got a taste of how thrilling it was to put in a really hard work-out.. how every muscle in my body can scream for mercy while still screaming for more.

Even more so now knowing that I won't get to play that game again.  The lazy me would be relieved that I didn't have to do it anymore.  Which is why I know that the lazy me is dying.  The active me is mourning and sad...and determined to find something else to fill the void.  

My students have all thanked me over and over for being "so cool".  Yet, I'm the one that should be thanking them.  They have infused me with the long lost desire and motivation I used to have to be more fit, active, and healthy.  It's all rushing back to me...and I just won't and can't let it go again.  They are my heroes.  They have no idea the affect they are having on me...and in a few months, when I'm rocking my active, more fit body...they will be able to take a lot of the credit.  

But, until then, here's hoping that I can love kickball almost as much as frisbee football.

Till next time...

a/k/a Mad, Fat Woman

Friday, June 21, 2013

Well Hello Sore Muscles!!

Yesterday was another repeat of the day before.  Another grueling afternoon running around the playground playing frisbee football with a bunch of rambunctious Jr. High kids that don't hold back for anything.

When I woke up yesterday morning, I was a little sore.  Nothing major, but I could feel that I had done some kind of activity the day before that my muscles weren't used to.  By the afternoon, I'd worked out all of the kinks from my system, and I was ready to go for another round.

Being that the kids had learned the rules and were ready to get straight in to the game, there wasn't as much time for me to relax during yesterday's games.  Throw that in with the class times being 45 minutes instead of 30 minutes a piece, and I got a darn good work-out by the end of the day.

So good, in fact, that by the time I got home, I had to slowly get out of the car and very carefully walk to the nearest chair... because my body was screaming at me.

I hobbled my behind inside to put on my bathing suit, and to the pool I went.  Although, this time, I just knew there wouldn't be any swimming.  My arms, legs, and back were all in major need of ice.  The next best thing was my pool.  I got in, painfully pulled myself on to a pool lounger, and floated around semi submerged letting the cool water take away my pain.

It did a really good job of it, too.  Once I got out of the pool, I felt a lot better and a lot less sore.  

Of course, once I got out of bed this morning? body is telling me that I'm doing something right.  

I know the difference between pain and sore muscles.  I have sore muscles... lots of them.  Arms.  Legs.  Back.  

It's a soreness I remember all too well.  I've had this type of soreness before... back when I put myself through a gym boot camp.  I worked muscles I didn't even know I had back then...and it's all coming back to me now that I'm living through frisbee football.

Even though I'm not spending my evenings going through a tough obstacle course of climbing and jumping, frisbee football offers it's own version of an obstacle course.  Six foot tall 7th and 8th grade boys.  While most of them are a little apprehensive about being so rough with their teacher (and a woman to boot), they still give me a pretty good run for my money.  They won't tackle me or try to throw me to the ground (most of them, anyway) but that doesn't mean I won't do the same to them.  Trying to run through a wall of Jr. High boys is like trying to run right through a brick wall.  

I know that my arms are screaming at me this morning because of the boys I tried to push myself past yesterday.  I know my legs are screaming at me from running up and down the field.  I know my back is screaming at me from ducking and diving to avoid these giant children or to get around them....and from actually being tackled to the ground by the few boys that don't see anything wrong with taking their female teacher to the ground.  

And regardless how hard the game is - I haven't laughed or enjoyed myself this much in so long.  I definitely don't look at it as a work-out.  It's just pure, invigorating fun.  Which is exactly what I was looking for in an exercise.  

I found myself staring at the clock all morning yesterday, just counting down the minutes until I could get outside and start playing.  And when the afternoon finally did arrive, I found myself feeling disappointed when the time was up with one class and I had to stop long enough to go fetch my next class.  I also got pretty frustrated if it took too long to pick teams...because all I wanted to do was to just get out there and get the game started.

I think the last time I had this much fun or felt this excited about being active was when I did the boot camp.  And, honestly, I'm more excited and I'm having more fun with frisbee football.  

It seems weird that a week ago I just kept telling myself I only had to put in 2 weeks...and that I could get through it regardless of how much I wasn't liking it.  Just one week later, I'm disappointed that we only have a week left.  I could do this all summer long!

As sore as I am this morning, it won't deter me from getting right out there today.  Once again, I can't wait.  

In fact, it's time to get to getting right now...

Till next time!

a/k/a Mad, Fat Woman

Thursday, June 20, 2013

The Bigger You Are, The Harder You Fall....

So, yesterday, after hitting the Publish button on my blog... I left my house with the purpose that I was going to do everything in my power to be more active and eat better.  There was just no way that I could stand on that scale next week and see another repeat of what happened this week.

But what could I do?

Well, thanks to the rowdy, crazy bunch of Jr. High kids that I'm currently teaching in the afternoons every day... I got my answer.

I'm a teacher.  I'm pretty sure everyone knows that about me... if they didn't - they do now.  

While most teachers are at home or on vacation or doing some other awesome summer relaxing, I'm currently teaching summer school.  It's only for two weeks, but it's still two weeks of getting up at 5am, working all day, and passing out before the sun goes down each night because I'm totally exhausted.

In the mornings, I teach elementary kids in the 4th and 5th grade how to build simple machines with Lego type building blocks.  Absolutely NOTHING active about that.

In the afternoons, however, I am teaching golf.  Or supposed to be, but I'm not because I don't know how to play golf.  So, I had to improvise with what I had... and came up with the desire to teach frisbee golf instead.

That was a great plan... except for one major factor.  The kids were less than thrilled.  Hated the idea, actually.  They'd much rather sit in the classroom talking to their friends, or if they really have to go outside...sit outside and talk to their friends.  

Teaching Jr. High kids can be rough.  They have a whole new level of disrespect and attitude stored away in their boxes.  They have mastered the acts of eye rolling, sarcasm, and whining.  Pleasing them is TOUGH!

In the first couple of days, I squished their sassy attitudes by showing them just how strict I could be.  I forced them to participate, or face my consequences.  But, I hated doing that.  I wanted to come up with something that would be fun, athletic, and that would ultimately get my booty moving just as much as theirs.

Enter:  Frisbee Football.

I came up with the idea after watching them during recess.  Most of the boys played football or basketball.  I figured out, pretty quickly, that it wasn't the active part they hated about my class... or being out in the heat... it was the fact that they thought what I was teaching was boring.  They weren't interested in frisbee football anymore than if I'd been teaching English Literature from the 1800's.  

So, I told them my idea... and they were all on board.  The best part?  I was totally joining in the game.  

The rules were simple:  Two teams, try to get the frisbee down to your end of the field to score a goal, and no running with the frisbee.  Tackling was involved, but only to the person holding the frisbee... who shouldn't really have the frisbee long enough to be tackled.

And the games began.

I ran up and down the field.  I threw the frisbee a couple of times.  I even got tackled and thrown down to the ground at one point.  Which will ultimately lead to my slight limp today, being that I went down on my knee.  Ouch!

By the time the first 30 minute class was over, I was drenched in sweat...and I still had 4 more classes to get through!

I played frisbee football from 12:40 - 2:30.  Almost 2 hours... with only a couple of small breaks every 30 minutes while I picked up a new class and quickly explained the rules.

By the end of the day, it looked as though I'd been having some kind of water fight in my class because my clothes were so wet from sweat.  

But you know what?  I surprised MANY children yesterday.  I surprised them that I got out there to play in the first place...and put myself in that kind of danger, HA!  I also surprised them when I ran for the frisbee, when I jumped, when I picked kids up and wrestled them for the frisbee.  

And I totally surprised myself!

I absolutely LOVED every minute of it.  

OK, so I was extremely nervous about letting a bunch of rambunctious kids play a semi-contact sport. I am extremely nervous that we're going to get the quick axe from the principal when she finds out what we're doing.  I was extremely nervous that someone was going to end up getting hurt, or things would get out of hand. 

I didn't have to worry.

I explained to these kids what would happen if things got out of hand. I told them that as long as they "played nice" I didn't see why we'd get into any trouble.  And they were all super nice with each other. If someone went down, they were helped right back up.  If someone did take someone down... they did it without charging in to them and knocking them off their feet...they just grabbed them and rolled them down to the ground.  

Only one kid got a little out of hand and shoved someone straight to the ground.  Thankfully, though, that person who got shoved down was me.  I won't lie.. it hurt.  I went straight down on my knee.  But, I'd told these kids that I was in the game, and they didn't have to take it easy on me just because I was the teacher.  Unfortunately for the kid that decided to shove me down, the boys on my team did NOT like it one bit...and he hit the dust about 3 seconds later when they all decided to give him a taste of his own medicine.  Thankfully, he didn't get hurt, but I'm pretty sure he got the message.

I'm hobbling around a little this morning.  Partly because my knee is feeling the impact from yesterday, and partly because I ran more yesterday afternoon than I have in the past year.  But, I'm loving the pain that's surging through my arms and legs.  It's not "pain pain", it's that achy feeling you get when you know you've put in a good workout. 

And despite spending two hours running around a football field, I came home and swam in the pool for a while.  Not as long as I usually do, but I put in several laps before collapsing on to a pool lounger for some much needed rest and relaxation.

There's just seven days left of summer school.  I have a feeling I know how I'm going to be spending those seven days... in the afternoons anyway.  As long as the game stays legal.  I have a big suspicion that it's going to get the axe pretty soon...not sure my principal will like the idea much.  But, then I'll just have to come up with another rendition that keeps the fun without the contact.  OK, it won't be as fun.. but hopefully the kids will still be up for it.

Right now, though, I need to hobble my behind inside to get dressed.  Work-out clothes it will be today.. I'm not about to try and run around in jean shorts anymore.  

Till next time!

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Wednesday, June 19, 2013

I Didn't Expect to See That On the Scale This Morning...

OK, so I decided that Wednesdays are going to be my weigh in days.  I like Wednesdays because they are in the middle of the week.  No stressing all weekend what the scale will say Monday morning, and giving myself a few days to mentally prepare for any temptation that may head my way with the upcoming weekend.

I will admit.  I was kinda looking forward to standing on the scale this morning.  OK, I haven't jumped back in to total "weight loss mode" with my eating and activity level just yet... but I've been making pretty conscious efforts with what I'm putting in to my mouth and how I'm moving my body each day.  Or so I thought.

This past week, I've been pretty active.  I've spent the majority of my days moving around at school - and even getting pretty darned sweaty in the afternoons playing frisbee golf with my classes.  Saturday I didn't exactly do anything that physical, but sweat my behind off playing some miniature golf.  And Sunday, I spent several hours in the pool...not swimming the whole time, but doing MANY laps.

Even last night when I got home, I threw on my bathing suit and jumped in the pool for at least 10 laps of the pool before I lounged around for a while.  And that's not including the laps I did racing little Jelly.. in which I had to swim pretty slowly, but I was still swimming.

I've also been drinking TONS of water.  OK, maybe not TONS, but way more than I'm used to drinking.

Which is why, I was really shocked this morning when I stood on the scale to see that not only hadn't I lost any weight.. but I've gained 0.2lbs.  I'm now at 260.2lbs.  

I have to admit, it was pretty darned disheartening to see that.  Anytime I've decided to have another go at the weight loss game, I end up losing something the first week.  Even if it's the only week I actually lose anything.  The first week, I can usually count on seeing a little difference - in a good way - that pumps me up to try and beat it the next week...regardless of if I make it full another full week or not.  

As disheartening as it was, I didn't actually have the reaction I thought I would.  I mean, now that I'm sitting here I'm thinking my reaction when I saw that number should have been "Well, screw it!  I eat less and be more active all week and gain weight?  What on earth am I even bothering for?"

But it wasn't.  When I saw that number, my first reaction was "Huh, that was unexpected.  Apparently I haven't done near as good as I thought I did.. and will have to try WAY harder this next week."

That's a good reaction to have, I suppose.

Because Lord knows, I definitely could try WAY harder.

One thing that comes to mind is the fact that I'm now eating breakfast and lunch at school each day.  Despite schools opting for a more healthy approach with the foods that they are serving to children.. at the end of the day, the food isn't really that much healthier.  It may be baked instead of fried, but the actual food is still not in super healthy good.  And teachers are always given way more than they need to eat.  

Of course, this teacher shouldn't be eating more than she needs...and so it's nobody's fault but my own.

So, I guess I'm going to have a little experiment this week.  I'm not ditching the school breakfasts and lunches.  That should be the first thing to do... but meals are provided free of charge during summer school.  As silly and petty as that may sound, I'm not giving up the free meals.  It saves me some money.  And just because food a plenty is offered, doesn't mean that food a plenty I need to eat.  I'm a big girl with a grown up voice.  I can quite easily say "Urm.. can you just give me as much as you are giving the kids, please?"

At the end of the day, while I don't want to jump in to diet plans or programs, I know that I'm not doing what I can or should in term of eating right.  Eating better just isn't good enough.  It does me no good to eat crappy food in smaller amounts or better foods in large amounts.  It's all about portion control and being mindful about what's going in to my pie hole.  Eating a salad is great... but it's no good covered in ranch dressing.  And that's the case with all food.  Just because it's low fat or less calories does me no good if I top if with crap or eat more of it.

As my good friend, Cathy, told me yesterday.  It doesn't matter what I call this blog or how I refer to myself, it's what I write and making sure that I'm motivating myself to do what I need to do.  

If I'm sitting here each day rambling on about what I should be doing rather than actually doing it.. then I'm just wasting my time.

OK, so I don't want to get all crazy with dieting.  But, I also know what I need to do in order to lose weight... and pretending that I'm just "going to take it slow" just won't give me the results I need or want.  

By just skipping dessert every day, I can't expect to shed pounds.  I've also got to make sure the rest of my meals are in line with what I need for fuel - not comfort or convenience.  

So, yeah, I was surprised that I saw a gain this morning... but it's just a reality check that I'm not putting in near enough effort as I need to be.  Getting a little more active isn't going to do me any good.  I need more active, less food.  Period.  In fact, I need more active, more healthy food.  Just cutting down isn't really going to help me achieve much either.

My challenge for myself this next week is to not stand on that scale this time next Wednesday and see a gain.  And to not see that gain because I know that I've done everything I needed to do to prevent that from happening.  It's the first time in the history of my weight loss efforts that I've ever seen a gain my first week starting out.  That's just not good AT ALL.

Here's to a new week.  A new game plan.  And a new commitment that I'm really going to get my head in the game and make this happen!

Till next time!

a/k/a Mad, Fat Woman

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Why I'm OK With Being Called "Fat"

It didn't take long to receive the first comment or email that I knew I'd get eventually.

The dreaded:  "You shouldn't call yourself fat, it's damaging" email.

While I know that emails and comments of this nature are sent with the upmost love and support, I need to really tackle the situation head on right now... rather than do it individually as they slowly start to flow in.

Yesterday, I received my first email since reviving my blog from a very concerned reader about the title of my blog...

Dear Joanna,

I am writing to tell you that I found your blog today and I'm excited that you have started (again?) to try and lose weight and lead a healthier lifestyle.  While I always get excited to find new weight loss blogs, I have to say I was a little disheartened when I saw the title of your blog.  Referring to yourself as a "Mad, Fat Woman" sets you off in the wrong direction before you even start.

In my experience, people that constantly put themselves down and refer to themselves as "fat" are either on the road to straight failure or aren't even fat in the first place and are simply doing it for attention.  For what I've seen of your pictures so far, it appears you may be one of those people that constantly degrade yourself and put yourself down.  This is not a healthy approach.  It's great that you've accepted you have a problem and want to do something about that problem, but being unkind to yourself in the process will only hurt you more in the long run.

Calling yourself fat just cuts you down, and makes you hate the person that you are.  Instead, you should try and love the person you are on the inside, and commit to working on making the outside healthy rather than "skinny".  I would like to continue reading your blog, and wish you the best of luck, but I really can't enjoy reading when the author does nothing but cuts themselves down or is losing weight for the wrong reasons.  In your case to not be fat anymore.  Weight loss is a health decision - or it should be.  

In order to have a healthy body, you need a healthy mind.  Calling yourself nasty names is not the way to go about doing that.

I wish you the best of luck, and hope that you will consider what I've said.

A concerned Reader

It brought back a lot of memories reading this email.  If I had a dollar for every time I received a similar email or comment back in the old Mad, Fat Woman days... I'd have a nice chunk of change stored away.  

First off, let me say this:  I don't hate myself.  I just don't.  I'm a happy person living a happy life.  I don't like being overweight... but I don't hate myself because of it.

Second, I want to lose weight for two reasons:  To be more active and fit and to be able to shop in "normal" sized clothing stores for clothes that I enjoy wearing rather than finding clothes that cover the bulges.  If those are the wrong reasons for losing weight, well...then so be it.  I won't lie and say that I just want to be healthier.  In fact, I've had doctors tell me they can't believe how healthy I am being that I'm so overweight.  I don't have pre-diabetes or heart problems or blood pressure problems.  The truth of the matter is, I want to wear smaller clothes and be able to run long distances.  That's about it.  But, if that's what motivates me, then that's what motivates me, right?

Third, I don't call myself "fat" to put myself down.  It's a term that doesn't tear me up or make me loathe the person that I am.  In fact, I often joke around about being fat...and I don't do it to cover up hurt or pain... I do it because I can laugh at myself.  I'm the one that got me in this situation, and I can accept that.  That being the case, I also have to be the one to accept what I did to myself and try and reverse it.  Calling myself "fat" didn't put me in this situation... but history has shown that it can help change it.

Fourth, the politically correct term to use instead of fat is "morbidly obese".  Because, in reality, I have 100lbs to lose to get to a "healthy weight" and so that's the category I fall under.  I don't know about anybody else.. but referring to myself as morbidly obese sounds WAY worse than calling myself fat.  Morbidly obese just screams sad and depressing.  And, I don't think of myself that way.  I don't think that I'm on death's door.  I can still do a lot more activity than I could when I truly felt "morbidly obese" and I just know that if I started calling myself that... I'd just hate myself.

And finally, I'm not one of those people that will always look in the mirror and see a fat woman.  Once a lot of the pounds have come off.  How do I know that?  Because I've been there.  I've seen and felt what it's like to not think of myself as fat anymore.  Even though I was still overweight, when I was 212lbs and rocking a size 16... I didn't feel "fat".  I loved how my body was changing.  I loved how my body was starting to feel.  I loved how I was starting to feel about looking at myself in the mirror.

OK, I let that woman go.  But, I know she's underneath the fat that has reappeared.  I've seen her.  I got to know and love her.  And it was my stupidity that let her leave, again.  

Regardless of what anyone says... I had the most success at this weight loss game when I was The Mad, Fat Woman.  Referring to myself as "fat" didn't stop my progress...if anything it haltered it.  Once I started to have a personality conflict and wanted to be someone else and blog about other things... she started to disappear.  The woman I had grown to love, admire, and ultimately continue to get rid of.

I know it may sound crazy or stupid to some people.  Living the life with an alter ego, if you will.  But, The Mad, Fat Woman is who I am.  I am a fat woman on a mission to not be a fat woman anymore.  I got a really long way once before...but I quickly forgot that once she started to disappear, it was oh so easy for her to return.  

At the end of the day, I appreciate the concern...really, I do.  But, you have nothing to be concerned about.  I'm a realist.  And the reality is:  I'm fat.  But, I'm not fat and OK with it.  Or should I say, I'm not one of those people that accepts that I'm fat and learns to love myself because of it.  Or learns to accept it.  Or even learns to deal with it.  I'm OK with being the moment... because I know that it's my ultimate goal to not be fat anymore.  Even when the fat is gone, I know that she's only a few cheeseburgers and fries away from coming back.

I can understand that there will be readers out there that just can't accept it.  They may not want to read my blog because they think I'm too hard on myself by calling myself "fat".  But, it's coming from the horse's mouth herself when I say:  I'm OK with it.  It is what it is... for now.  

Maybe one day in the future, my blog will be called "Diary of a Previous Mad, Fat Woman That Doesn't Want to be Fat Again".  But, until then... Mad, Fat Woman stays.  Because it fits me in every shape of the word.  And I enjoy being her.  Or at least, enjoy being her in the sense that I'm trying to get rid of her.  

That make sense?

Maybe not.  But, there's no need to worry.  I promise.

Till next time.

a/k/a Mad, Fat Woman