I woke up feeling that way this morning. At 3:10am. And I just haven't been able to go back to sleep.
I'm not sure if I maybe had a weird dream that caused me to wake up feeling the way I did - but it's not my normal, chirpy, morning self. I've been sitting on my patio for about 20 minutes now, cup of coffee in hand, just letting my mind wander. I have so many thoughts racing through my mind...but no real rhyme or reason as to why the melancholy feeling is hanging over my head.
Maybe it's the realization that I only have 2 days left of summer school - and it's a little scary and sad.
Maybe it's because I've been so happy and chipper for the past week or so, that my body is starting to run low on happy and needs a few moments to be not so happy.
Maybe it's a mixture of things that are so jumbled up in my head, that it's hard to process them individually.
I don't know.
But it's not a feeling I like, even though it's a feeling I can't really explain.
Yesterday was a good day. I had a lot of fun, despite it being the hottest day we've had so far this year. The sun was a scorcher, and by the end of the afternoon - not a single person wanted to do any form of running around or playing kickball. We opted for sitting in the shade, instead.
I did get in a couple of good games earlier in the afternoon, though.
One of my students decided to capture a few photos of me out there playing. As I looked through the photos, I was in shock. How is it possible that pictures can give such different perspectives of a person's body? Or I should say, give me such different perspectives.
The day before, the same student took this picture...
I cut her out of the picture due to privacy... but I really LOVE this picture of the two of us. And I don't say that about many pictures. I have so many photos of just my face that make me cringe.
Take this one for example...taken just a couple of weeks ago...
I like the picture of Jelly and I, but I really don't like the way I look in the photo. I have a similar expression and it's taken from the same angle, yet in this picture I feel like my face is super round...and my double chin is extremely noticeable. I don't get that feeling from the first picture.
Then, I started to look at the pictures from the game... again, I've cropped them to take out as many students as I could...
This one I don't mind too much. OK, it's clear from my legs and arms that I'm packing several extra pounds... but my stance doesn't make my mid region look too terribly bad.
And then I saw these...
I look at these photos and hurt inside. Just look at how much damage I've done to my body... how much hard work I've let go over the past couple of years. It's a very hard pill to swallow, when I know that I looked like this just two short years ago...
That's me hovering right around the 210lbs mark. A place I loved being, even though I was still overweight.
And, now I'm starting to think I know the reason for my semi-blues this morning.
You see, this past week, I've felt strong and powerful. I've felt pretty accomplished that a 260lbs woman can run around a playground in 90 degree weather. I've wallowed in the realization that my weight doesn't have to hold me back from being active...that I can still do many things I didn't think I could do.
But, now, I think my brain is sending me a big wake up call. It's warning me not to get too excited over the feats I've been able to conquer this week. It's reminding me that even though I still have more strength and physical abilities than I thought I did - it's not good enough.
Do I really want to be a 260lb woman that can run around a playground?
Of course not.
Do I really want to look like I do in those pictures, even though they are pictures of me being active and physical?
Yes, I've had a lot of fun this past week. The students have shown me more respect and love and encouragement than I ever thought possible. I know in my heart that the kids that have enjoyed spending time with me this week haven't made fun of me behind my back or said nasty things about my weight. But, I also know that I get looks of shock when I say I'm going to run the bases. I know that when I want to sit down, they get a little nervous look on their faces about me sitting on the rickety old benches. I know that they offer me way more room than I actually need, because they are providing perspective on how big they think my rear end is.
And I don't like those feelings. Not one bit.
So, what am I going to do about it?
For so long, I've just tried to push my weight issue to the back of my mind. I've tried to convince myself that being overweight is just who I am - who I will always be. I've tried so many times to lose weight, and no matter how much I accomplish - I always end right back up where I started. It's just not worth the time or hassle.
Settling or accepting my weight just doesn't work for me.
How many times can I say it, though, without actually committing and doing it?
Too many. That's for sure.
Way too many.
I kick myself over and over again about letting myself fail after accomplishing so much. I lost 80 freakin' pounds two years ago. In a matter of a year. The time flew by, and I was feeling the changes to my body and loving every minute of it. I cried the first time I put on a pair of size 16 pants - and didn't have a huge muffin top sticking out of them. Cried. Real tears. Of joy and happiness and accomplishment. And I didn't even have to break the 200lb mark to feel that way.
Now, if I were to lose 80lbs again... I'd be below 200lbs, and only 20lbs away from my goal weight.
It's a crazy thought... but not an unrealistic one. I know, because I've done it before.
Why the hell couldn't I do it again?
There's only one answer for that question.
I absolutely CAN.
I have to.
Because no matter how hard I try... I know that I just can't be a 260lb me. Even if I die trying to get rid of that me.
So, I guess I should be thanking my brain this morning. For giving me the literal wake up call I've been needing.
Sure, I've committed to losing the weight again...with the rebirth of this blog and the words that have come out of my mouth this past couple of weeks.
But, the words just aren't enough.
And a few games of frisbee football and kickball aren't enough.
I've lost 1 pound in the past two weeks... big, freakin' whoop.
Something's not working. There's so much more that needs to mesh in order for me to do what I gotta do.
And I say this. With the most certain tone of voice that I can muster.
On August 12th, when I go back to work, I won't be the 260lb woman anymore. I will be a smaller version of her... not that much smaller, but smaller.
And this time next year... I'm going to be the person I've always wanted to be, and more. Or less. Depends on how you look at it. I will be at my goal weight by this time next year.
I am going to freakin' do it this time. NO MATTER WHAT!
I just can't live this way any longer.
It's going to take dusting off my work-out DVDs. It's going to take dragging my behind out of bed at 7am every morning for a walk/jog. It's going to take recording what I'm eating and going back to fresh, wholesome foods... no more sugar or white flour or crap. It's going to take counting my calorie intake and staying under my allotted amount. It's going to take drinking water by the gallons.
And I know it's going to take all of that, because that's what got me where I was before. And it's not worth reinventing the wheel. It's just about putting the chain back on the bike and continuing the journey I started long ago - and got deterred from.
And it starts TODAY!
Till next time!
a/k/a Mad, Fat Woman