Weigh-In Wednesday

                         

I'm lucky that I remembered to weigh-in this morning.  Being that I was off Monday, all day yesterday I was all out of whack...and kept thinking it was Monday.  

But, for some reason, I didn't have that problem when I woke up this morning.  No mistaking what day it is today!  It's definitely Wednesday, which means it's definitely weigh-in day.

I was pretty nervous to stand on the scale this morning (surprise, surprise, right?).  But that's only because Aunt Flo is visiting, and when she comes...she brings bloating and water weight.  My usual weight gain during her visits is anything from 1-3lbs.  So, I was a little unsure about what I was going to see this morning.

No reason to stall...here are the results...

Starting weight:  265lbs

Weight last week:  253.2lbs

Weight this week:  251.4lbs

Another loss...and this time of 1.8lbs!!!  

It would have been really nice to see 252.2lbs, so I could have lost an even 2lbs...but I'm definitely not going to complain!

On Friday, it'll be a month since starting to really buckle down (for the bazillionth time) and in that time, I've lost 10.6lbs.  Not too shabby, if I say so myself!  It took an entire month to lose 3lbs the month before that...so in two months, I'm down 13.6lbs.

That's pretty darned fantastic!

I've lost more in a month than I did during the three months of summer that I "committed to change".  I've lost more in a month than I have in the past couple of years "committing to change".  

What's different now?  Well, simple.  I actually committed to change.. duh.  No more just talking about it, wishing for it, or hoping it would eventually happen.  I just did it.  And it goes to show what putting my words where my mouth is can do, right?

This week marks a very momentous occasion.  It's been an entire month that I've eaten a restricted 1200 calorie diet.  It's been an entire month where I haven't yo-yoed up and down because I've fallen off track a couple days here and there.  It's been an entire month where I just decided that eating mostly junk food isn't worth it, I'm worth more than that.  I owe it to myself to do the work...and I'm actually surprised that it really hasn't been as hard as I thought it should be.

And that's only because my mind has been set to a different setting.

I haven't felt deprived.  I haven't felt like I'm missing out on anything.  I haven't felt like I have to be at war with junk food.  I've just convinced myself that it's not about doing without, it's about not NEEDING.  And that's the secret.  

Don't get me wrong, the entire month hasn't been a walk in the park.  There were some battles and mind-fights in the beginning...there still are some on occasions, just not as often.  But, once I really started to understand that I didn't have to look at a candy bar with passion, longing, and desire - I started to realize that this was possible.  Living healthy, I mean.

And if I'm being really honest...it hasn't been all "diet food".  I've eaten sensibly.  Meaning I've focused on portion sizes, set meal times, and not being swayed in to mid-meal time hunger or cravings.  I've started eliminating sugar and white flour.. but there have been traces here and there.  But, I'd much rather eat a Greek yogurt made with real sugar than a candy bar (now).  I'd much rather eat a small handful of low-fat crackers than gobble down half a loaf of white bread.  It's not about the eliminating more than it's been about the source.  I know that, if I wanted to, I could eliminate ALL sugar and white flour.  Completely rid it from every morsel of food that I eat.  But, if I'm still able to eat something that has minor traces, and not go in to carb crazy mode..I'm OK with that.

If I do sway and eat a couple of cookies, and then realize how miserable and disgusting they make my stomach feel - that's a big victory.  It tells me that my body has adjusted to the minor traces, and doesn't want any of the heavy stuff. 

I shared with everyone the cookie issue I had on Saturday.  A minor slip with dire consequences.  Just four small cookies sent my body into shock.  I felt physically ill after eating them.  

What I didn't share was that the very next night, my family decided to order pizza.  When I say "my family", I really mean Hubby.  It was just Hubby, Jelly, and me at home...and he didn't feel like cooking a meal for just the three of us.  So, being that it has been donkey's years since we ordered pizza from Dominos, I caved and let him have his favorite food.

A couple of months ago, I would have eaten an entire medium Dominos pizza all to myself.  And still had room for dessert after.  That was nothing uncommon.  A medium pizza yields eight slices...and I would inhale every one of them as if it were nothing.

Saturday night, I ate three pieces.  Pretty small pieces.  I keep telling myself that I should have eaten one.  One was more than enough.  One slice of the medium (1/8th), white sauce, Philly steak pizza yields about  210 calories.  So, three slices put me up to 630 calories for dinner.  I've done much worse in my time... MUCH WORSE.  I rationalized that I had 600 calories remaining for my dinner, and that's what prompted my acceptance that three slices was OK.  Even though I really knew it wasn't.  

However, I checked nutritional information first (mainly just calorie content).  I calculated the amount of calories I'd be eating.  And I even let that little Devil on my shoulder convince me about that one "treat" that wouldn't hurt anything.  

I ate the three slices, and I was full.  Kinda over full actually.  I felt bloated, and uncomfortable a little later.  Not near as bad as with the cookie incident, but still full to a level I shouldn't have allowed.  I should have stopped eating when I started to feel that full feeling, which was in to slice 2.  I didn't.  But, coming out the other side having difficulty finishing three slices...when my norm is usually an entire pizza did still make me feel good.  

To add a cherry on top, I had even ordered Chocolate Lava cake for dessert.  My biggest weakness.  I shared the other day that I'm not a big fan of cake...that's pretty much true, except for one type of cake.  That would be Lava Cake.  A cake full of ooey, gooey chocolate sauce.  The ones from Dominos are small (tiny, actually), and they come two to an order.  Even though they are small, they still pack 350 calories a piece! After eating my three pieces of pizza, I didn't want anymore food.  But, as with all bad carbs..it doesn't take long for hunger to return.  Jelly wanted one of the mini cakes, so I gave her one.  The other one sat there staring at me...calling to me...and I knew I just couldn't stay strong.  I cut the remaining one in half, and gave the big half to Hubby.  Leaving a small slither for myself - literally two small bites.  It was enough to satisfy, and didn't leave me reeling for more.

So, as you can see, I'm still facing battles.  I'm still overcoming hurdles.  I'm still having moments of weakness.  But, I'm learning through each one of them.  I'm not giving in, completely.  I'm still being somewhat mindful.  I still weigh the factors of stuff like calorie content, feelings of fullness, and rationalizing that I don't need as much food.  

Stuff like that isn't something to be all proud about.  Eating that much pizza still isn't healthy.  Giving in and having two bites of cake isn't showing strength.  Strength would have been not having any, or not even ordering them in the first place.  I know that I still have mountains to climb.

But, it helps remind me that I'm handling myself differently.  I CAN indeed live my life weighing pros and cons.  Making better decisions, even if they aren't perfect.  Understanding that I'll have these feelings, temptations, and opportunities for improvement forever.  They don't just go away when I go a month with successful weight loss.

And if I can rationalize with myself, maintain some form of self-control, then I know I won't be throwing myself back in to old ways.  I CAN live this way forever.  I CAN make these choices forever.  I CAN accept that there will be the odd occasion every now and then where I'll eat some pizza or some cake.. but moderation is the key.  

I'm not going to beat myself up about it.  I'm not going to wallow in guilt.  I'm going to walk away proud that I'm still making better choices.  I'm still learning.  I'm still committed.  

And nothing is going to stand in my way.

Till next time..