I have been coming on here for the past several weeks sharing my outstanding success at finally buckling down and losing weight.
So, it's only fair that I come on here and share my first (in several weeks) bad experience.
A couple of weeks ago, I received my kids' sports schedules. I, being the organized person I am, made sure to write all of the games and their locations in to my calendar. I took care of any conflicts, setting up coverage for picking up kids when I was traveling for an away game, making sure I had a plan of action for the few nights that both kids are playing, and set up a pick-up person for Butter on the one night he won't get back from a game until close to midnight.
I was set and ready to get the season started.
I, also, noticed that one of Peanut's away games was happening in the town where one of our favorite Chinese restaurants is located. So, we made the decision at that point that on game night, we'd eat dinner there.
Last night was that night.
In hindsight, probably not the smartest plan to come up with. But, honestly, I thought I'd be able to handle it. I thought I'd be mentally prepared to stand face to face with one of my biggest enemies and do battle, coming out victorious. I thought that, despite the bounty of food that lay before me, I'd be able to choose somewhat wisely and not go nutso.
And I was wrong.
The sad part is, though, I prepared. I made sure to take my pill just a little later than usual, so that the effects would hopefully help me with my battle. I ate a pretty good sized lunch, so that I wouldn't go to the restaurant starving.
None of my preparation mattered.
When I walked in to the restaurant, got one whiff of the food, I was gone. Lost. Destroyed of all hope of being "mindful" or keeping my success as a tool for motivation. All that went through my mind was that I hadn't eaten anything like this in a long time, and it was about darned time.
I ended up eating a plate of various meats and noodles...and then went back for more. Had I just stuck with my first plate, I'd be fine. It wouldn't have been the greatest food choices, but not devastating. The second plate was MUCH smaller than the first... but it was fried junk. Fried mushrooms, chicken on a stick, and a fried biscuit. I ate WAY less than what I would normally eat at this particular restaurant, but even that was double what I should have eaten.
And my body made sure to punish me for the bad behavior.
I left the restaurant completely bloated and MISERABLE. My stomach complained and cramped all the way home..and well after I got home. It reminded me that moments of weakness are not going to go unpunished. I will regret it. And to remember these miserable feelings the next time I get the urge to just "take the night off".
There is NO taking any time off. If I'm going to commit and do this...I have to commit each and every night. There's no food rewards for going so long without junk. There's no room for small splurges. I can't let that mentality in, or it will take over and ruin everything I've worked so hard to do.
I stood on the scale this morning just to see the damage... up 3lbs.
Of course I know that's not accurate. OK, I ate too much last night... but not 3lbs worth. But, with the junk, and the salt, and the oils...my body is bloated and not happy.
Seeing that number back in the 250s quickly sent a jolt through my system. I can't let that happen!! I can't go back...ever!!
I'm taking this as a setback. My first setback, and hopefully my last. There's just no room for minor errors here and there. I keep getting told that I can't live like this forever, and that the occasional "treat" won't hurt me. Urm..yes..yes it can!
It also told me that my pill is NOT a crutch. It's not going to swoop in when I need it and turn me away from the foods I'm so desperately trying to eliminate from my mind. I have to be strong enough ON MY OWN to resist.
I CAN live this way forever. I can keep doing what I'm doing. I know I can still eat in restaurants, and even off of buffets.. but I also know that if I do, I need to make darned sure I'm eating the stuff that won't jeopardize me. There are plenty of foods offered in those places that are somewhat better for me than others. I just have to know what to pick, watch my portion sizes, and just be smart.
I wasn't last night.
And now it's time to wipe the slate clean and pick myself right back up. Starting over. Putting it behind me and moving on.
It was a harsh kick to my rear about how far I may think that I've come, but how far I so need to go. I'm not strong enough, yet, to handle these situations. I just have to remember that. I'm not cured - heck I won't ever be "cured".
Over time, I'll understand what I can and can't eat...and will be able to handle temptations better... but I'm not there yet.
OK, time to go..
Till next time!!