It's Been a Rough Few Days

The title really says it all.  It has been a very rough last few days.  Both physically and mentally.

And in terms of weight loss, or the lack thereof.

On Thursday night, my 13 year old daughter got her first experience with heartbreak.  Her boyfriend, for the past three months, decided to break up with her.  For no rhyme or reason.  With no explanation.  Completely unexpectedly.

It shattered my poor daughter into a million pieces.  And I've been trying to glue the pieces back together ever since.

On top of that, I had a day long workshop to attend on Friday, and was at an all day volleyball tournament yesterday.

It's been a very busy few days...and it's left me scrounging around for meal ideas and trying to stay focused.

But, I'll be honest.  I've faltered.  Quite a bit, actually.  According to the scale when I stood on it this morning because I knew that it was going to give me some news to shake me from my lackluster efforts from the past couple of days - and knock me back in to the reality of what I need to be doing.

It's amazing to me how quickly I can go from believing I'm on my way to true healing, breaking away from the desires and urges to eat badly, committing to healthy eating and living, and believing that I'm on the fast track to a whole different path, only to finding myself right back in those very same situations with only a minor push in that direction.

The scale wasn't mean to me this morning, it was downright honest.  This is what happens when you stray...even for a few moments, a few meals.  It takes weeks to burn off a few pounds, but mere days to put them back on.

And if I don't do something right now, this very second... I'll be seeing a gain on the scale on Wednesday, which will be my first gain in seven weeks.

So much for hitting my 20lbs lost milestone.  It will be more like getting back to the weight I was last week.  

When life chooses to throw me curveballs, it always seems to do so all at once.  Several at the same time.  And I'm left ducking and diving to dodge them, but getting struck by several of them.

I did something terrible for my daughter on Friday night.  Something I shouldn't have done, and left me feeling guilty and ashamed.  

While trying to make her feel better, I decided to try doing it with food.  Ice-cream to be more specific.  The break-up food.  Sit down with a tub of ice-cream, and you'll feel better routine.  

What a bad mother I am.  Urging my child to eat junk food to calm her sadness.  Turning her to the one thing I've tried for so long to break free from.  Using food as a comfort, or a friend in time of need.

Thankfully she's got a better head on her shoulders than I do.  She ate some ice-cream, but knew her limits...she's an athlete after all, thank goodness.  She knew that turning to ice-cream wouldn't make her feel better or cure her sadness.  

I could spill out right here the foods I've consumed these past fews days that I'm ashamed of.  I could spill out how I didn't have a choice or they were last minute decisions, even on the back end of careful planning NOT to stray in to eating foods I know I shouldn't be eating.  But, I did it.  No excuses.  My own fault. 

The damage has been done, and there's no going back to change it.  All I can do now is to try and repair the damage I did, and just start this week over.  Again focused and committed.  Again reminding myself of the hard work I've put in, and how I can't let life stop me in my tracks or derail me altogether.

There isn't any room for days off, or little slip ups, or minor splurges.  Because they all lead to trouble.  I've said that I don't have real restrictions on my food intake, being that I keep moderation and portion size in account.  But, that wasn't what was on my mind these past couple of days.

I was hurting.  I was tired.  I was mentally and physically drained.  And then opened up old wounds by turning to food for comfort.  To help me feel better.  To put some kind of handle on my world as it was spinning out of control, and I didn't know what to do about it.

And I wasn't even the one that was dealing with the major heartbreak.  

But to see my daughter in that situation put me right there with her.  Taking me back to all of those times where my heart was broken, when I felt like the earth just stopped turning and I couldn't function without food to make me feel better.  

I thank all things holy that my daughter's way of dealing with this is to cry in her mother's arms.  To lay on her bed reminiscing the times with her boyfriend.  To try and take her mind off of it with playing sports.  

I know I've messed up this week.  I know there has been some damage done.  And now I must move on and fix it.  Take care of it.  Not let it falter me or damage me.  

Just as I've been telling my daughter to do these past few days...

It's time for me to move on.  Start over.  

Happiness is out there for the taking.  And I can't let bad situations blind me from them.

So, I'm going to take my own advice this week....and rock it out.

Till next time!

Weigh In Wednesday

                          

Another weigh-in day is here, and I didn't hit near the amount I wanted to lose this week.

I guess it's a good thing that I'm focusing on the fact that I lost some weight, rather than focusing on not hitting the number I wanted to see.  Which isn't the end of the world.  I know that some weeks will be slower than others, and as long as the number continues to keep going down each time I step on it, I'll be happy.

Last week, I weighed 248.4lbs.  

I really wanted to try and hit 245lbs this week, so that I'd hit the 20lbs lost milestone.  That would have meant losing 3.4lbs.  Which is a pretty tall order.

I didn't make that goal.

I did, however, see 246.6lbs.

That's a loss of 1.8lbs since last week.  Not super outstanding, but still a pretty good loss for a week.  I keep getting told that I should be losing about 2lbs a week...so that lines up with that expectation anyway.

That 20lbs milestone is so close I can taste it.

I can't wait for it to happen, especially since it's been less than 2 months since really buckling down and giving weight loss another try.  I think a loss of 18.4lbs in six and a half weeks is outstanding.  That's an average of 3lbs a week so far...and that's a mighty good average.  

I feel good.  I've started noticing changes in the way I look.  I have more energy and focus.  All in all, my weight loss progress is going very well...and there's nothing really to complain about.

I feel like I have a much better handle on my eating, and even though it's still not 100% healthy all of the time, I feel like how I'm eating is manageable and sustainable for the long time.  In fact, I think the longer I go in between each unhealthy food item, the more I convince myself that I'd rather stay clear from it anyhow.  

Good eating doesn't have to be from a certain plan or from eliminating certain foods.  It REALLY is about quantity versus quality.  It's knowing that I can eat more of the good stuff, and less of the bad stuff.  If I have some sugar, it's not the end of the world...but too much is.  If I eat something that's fried, my body will resent me and I leave myself wondering if it was even worth it.  

I think that, over time, I'll be able to figure out that I'm better off just sticking to healthy food.  But, I also love the fact that even though unhealthy stuff hasn't been completely eliminated from my diet, I haven't gone all nutso crazy on binging or overeating, either.  OK, so I've eaten meals that have way too many calories in one sitting...but it hasn't lead to an unstoppable, out of control, spiral effect either.  It's happened a couple of times in six weeks.  Compared to the fact that I ate pretty much that way each and every day before, it's pretty darned good progress.

Still struggling with the exercise aspect.  And my allergies are at the end of that excuse, right now.  Yes, it's still an excuse...but when I spend about 70% of my day sneezing and blowing my nose...it becomes very difficult to get too out of breath, because I'm already struggling with breathing in the first place because of a stopped up nose.

It will come.

I dreamt last night about doing another 5K.  It's something I really want to start doing again.  And I will...eventually.

Right now, though, I'm going to bask in the fact that I'm only 1.6lbs away from my 20lbs milestone, and focus on kicking that number away this next coming week.

If I hit my milestone next week, there'll be pictures to show my progress.  

Fingers crossed.

Till next time!

Why Did it Take So Long to Think of That?

Let me first start off by saying a big THANK YOU to those of you that commented and left me suggestions yesterday about my problem with eating on the go.

They were all great suggestions.

The only small problem is the fact that it's not coming up with ideas for food, nor the preparing food a head of time I struggle with...it's the literal act of eating on the go.  Meaning, while I'm driving down the road.

When most people think of "eating on the go", they think of needing quick meals to prepare in a short amount of time.  Thus, why I think I got so many great ideas for preparing foods on the weekend that can be grabbed each day of the week.  

That's not the problem, it's the fact that I don't have any time between getting off work and having to jump in the car to drive to the ball games.  When I stop at a fast food place for food, it's stuff that we eat in the car while driving.

So, that's why taking sandwiches was my basic go-to food...because I can eat those while I'm driving down the road.  

But, with all the great suggestions, I did come up with what I believe will be a great idea to help me out...and I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner.

I had already decided that the only food that would really be "on the go" worthy would be sandwiches. Paired with some kind of fruit.  However, I was struggling with the fact that my lunch each day usually consists of a sandwich...and I didn't want to eat sandwiches twice a day each time I had to travel to a game.

What I'd failed to see, however, is that there's no reason I have to take sandwiches for lunch.  I have plenty of options for lunches.  I have microwaves to use during my lunch time.  Why on earth couldn't I pack myself a hot lunch and take sandwiches for my dinner?  Duh!!

There's no reason why I can't eat dinner for lunch and lunch for dinner, right?

With a little preparation this week, I can prepare foods to take for lunch like salads, leftovers, and quick meals that I can prep at night and take with me the next day.  Then, I make sandwiches for Jelly and I to eat on the road as we're traveling to the games.  

I picked up some sub rolls, in order to have a more hearty sandwich some nights, and an array of stuff to make them with.  I also bought a couple pounds of grapes, to pack as a compliment with the sandwiches.   I can keep the rolls in the fridge at work, and at the end of the day I just grab my lunch box and we go.  

Simple.

Why this idea didn't hit me before I don't know.  It makes so much sense.

I guess I've just been preprogrammed to think that the best lunch food for me is sandwiches.  I hardly ever take something different for lunch, unless there's leftovers available from the night before.  Which doesn't happen very much, because I've become a stickler for preparing only enough food for the family to eat sensible portions for dinner.

I was shooting myself in the foot with that idea.  My intentions were good, but now that I think I'm better at controlling how much I eat for dinner, there's no reason that we can't prepare a little extra for me to take for lunch each day.  

So, that's what I'm going to do.  I'm going to try it out and see how it works.  

Rachel also came up with another great idea for me to use, on days where I might want a change.  And that would be protein shakes.  

While the idea of drinking my dinner has never really appealed to me, there's no reason I couldn't do that every now and then.  I also noticed at the store, yesterday, on-the-go soup cans.  They're drinkable...so a great idea for while I'm driving down the road.  Have one of those with a few whole wheat crackers while I'm driving, and I'll be all set.

The solution really was staring me right in the face.  I'm not sure if I didn't see it before because I maybe didn't want to.  Not having a solution to my eating on the go kinda gave me an excuse to eat junk food.  And the last thing I need is anymore excuses.  

Eventually, I want to be able to get to a point where I can walk in to a restaurant and order stuff that's healthy.  Just about every fast food restaurant I know offers some kind of healthier alternative to burgers and fries... I just choose to not order them.  Until I have the willpower to do that, then I just need to stay away from those places.  It might be a little more work to prepare foods ahead of time to take with me, but it's just what I have to do.  

And I'm going to end today with another feel-good...

Yesterday, I put on a pair of shorts that I bought at the end of May.  They are a size 20.  When I bought them, I had a muffin top that stuck over the top of them.  Being that I refused, at that point, to buy a pair of 22s (which is what I probably should have done), I just opted to wear the shorts with baggy t-shirts so the muffin top wasn't too obvious.

I put those shorts on yesterday, and didn't even have to unbutton them to get them on.  I can pull them up and down without undoing the button or the zipper.  In fact, there's about a 2" gap between my shorts and my stomach.  Almost to the point of being too big to wear!  I paired them with a close fitting shirt and there was NO muffin top!

I really feel that in the next few weeks, I'll be able to dig out all of the 18s that got too small for me and will be able to comfortably fit back in to them once again.

I could probably start doing that now.... but I want to wait for a few more pounds to fall off.  

I have two more weeks until my next doctor's visit, and I'm still holding on to the hope that I can be down to 239lbs by that time.  Which would mean, by last week's weight, that I'd have to lose 8lbs in a couple of weeks... which may not be possible, but I can get as close to that number as possible.

Once I hit 245lbs, I'd have lost 20lbs since starting.  Last week, I was only 3.4lbs away from that number.  It sure would be nice to hit that milestone this week, but I'm not going to get ahead of myself or set myself up for disappointment.

If I have to wait until next week to hit that number, so be it.  I know it will come...and that's the most important part.

Right now, I need to go and get ready for work.

Have a great Monday, everyone!!

Till next time!

The Obstacle of Eating on the Go

Yesterday, I wrote a post that was basically filled with rainbows and sunshine.  A positive post about getting a handle on what I'm doing, and looking at what I'm doing (finally) as a life long change instead of a plan to just lose weight.

And I felt really good after I posted it.

I was able to read through it and realize what the words meant.  I'm succeeding.  I'm losing weight.  I'm feeling positive about life in general, and that I can definitely keep the momentum going.

But one thing a person trying to lose weight knows is that it's not always rainbows and sunshine.  

There are always battles, struggles, days that make me think "why do I give a crap?"  But, I truly am realizing that those days are coming much less frequently.  The good days, by far, outweigh the bad ones.

In fact, sitting here right now at this very minute, there's only one area of my life that's causing me to struggle...and that would be eating on the go.

When school started, both Peanut and Butter decided they wanted to play sports.  Peanut plays volleyball and Butter plays football.  For the first couple of weeks, playing sports meant that they went to practice after school each and every night...and I would work in my classroom until they were finished.  We would then all drive home and eat dinner when we got there.

But with sports come games.

They started two weeks ago.  Peanut first, and then Butter kicked off his season last week.

With football, it's not too bad.  Butter has one game a week for six weeks.  Not a big deal.  But Peanut, on the other hand, has two to three games per week...and then throw in a football game and I'm on the road three to four nights a week.

When the games are at home, we can expect to get home between 8 and 9PM.  When the games are away?  Yeah, it's more closer to 10 or 11PM when we get home.  Much too late to wait and eat dinner.   Especially for little Jelly who ends up falling asleep on the drive home and is taken straight to bed when we get there.

Which means, on those game nights, we usually grab something to eat on the way.  

Peanut and Butter don't have to worry.  They get fed before their games.  Even though it's not a big meal, it's fitting for the fact that they will be running around.  Their dinners consist of a sandwich, some chips, and some fruit or a granola bar.  It's not a great deal, but at least they're not having to wait until 8PM to eat something.

Jelly and I, on the other hand, have to make rash decisions about where we're going to grab something quick to eat.  And then the struggle of eating on the go rears it's ugly head.

The ideal option would be to pack dinner to go with us.  When I'm making my lunch in the morning, I could easily prepare extra sandwiches to take with us to the games.  However, that hasn't been the case so far.  Instead, I've opted for stopping at a fast food place to pick something up.  Fast food is NEVER the best option.

Two out of the three nights I've been gone to games so far, I've eaten junk.  One night we went to a Chinese restaurant after the game, the other Jelly and I grabbed a burger and fries on the way.  The first game, I actually bought Jelly something to eat and opted on waiting until I got home to eat anything.

This upcoming week, I have three games...once again.  Tomorrow night, Tuesday night, and Thursday night I'll be traveling to games.  And I'm sitting here telling myself that I MUST prepare ahead of time.  Eating on the go is NO excuse for eating junk.  

Today just happens to be grocery shopping day, so I'm trying to rack my brain for ideas.  Being that I take a sandwich for lunch most days, I'll admit that the thought of eating sandwiches for lunch AND dinner three days isn't that appealing.  But, I also won't have the ability to cook anything either.  Thursday is the only night that I'll have a little time before having to rush off straight after school, and could possibly take something with me to throw in the microwave at school before we have to go.

But, I really can't think of alternative options.  

I feel like I'm stuck in this rut that I either just suck it up and eat sandwiches twice a day three days this week, or just wait until I get home to eat anything.  Then, I'm stuck with eating late at night...and that's not really the best idea either.

And those restricted feelings are usually what end up pushing me in to just grabbing food from the closest fast-food place.

UGH!!

Before I head out for my grocery excursion, I'm going to try and research some ideas for cold meals.  Something I can maybe make ahead of time to take with me.  Stuff that's convenient, healthy, and satisfying.  If you guys have any ideas...I'd love to hear them.

Right now, though, I need to get to getting.  I've got to go and pick up Peanut and Butter from Oklahoma this afternoon, AND I've been volunteered to cook dinner tonight...so it's going to be a busy day.

That doesn't even include the cleaning I really need to get done today.

Gotta love Sundays, right?

Till next time!

Days Since Weigh-In Recap

I'm really going to have to get better in figuring out a way that I can write here more often than Wednesdays and the weekend.  

It seems like, lately, the only times I post is when it's weigh-in day, or when time isn't really that important...and I have plenty of it.  Which, of course, is only the weekends.

I get up at 4:30 each and every work day just so I can try and fit in two blog posts.  One here and one on my other blog.  But, it seems like that Wednesdays are the only days I manage to get that accomplished.  I end up spending WAY too long writing my other blog, and coming here doesn't happen.

I promise I will try and get better.

But, honestly, I don't really have that much to write about.  Definitely not enough to write each and every day.  With success comes a lack of content.  I was able to write here so often, back a few months ago, because I was struggling so much.  And struggling is something to write about.  Each time I binged, or ate way too much, or struggled with coming up with a solid plan of action... my fingers could hash it all out right here on the page.

Now, my blog posts would basically consist of "another day of good eating and doing what I'm supposed to".  And that's great... but a little boring to write about all of the time.

This week hasn't been all perfect, but even the minor slip ups haven't done enough damage for me to consider "blog worthy".  I ate a school lunch on Thursday, and I loaded up my tray a little too much.  But, then I couldn't eat it all...not by a long shot, so even though I started out with the intention of overeating... my body wouldn't allow that, and I actually listened to it.

On Thursday morning, a student brought me a king sized Snickers.  I had joked around with her the day before, and she'd asked me what I'd like for her to buy me when she went to the store.  A king sized Snickers is what I had said...without thinking that she'd actually buy it.  

I am very happy to report that for two days, the Snickers sat on my desk.  All day Thursday, and all day yesterday.  I packed it in my bag when I came home yesterday, and it's still in there at this moment.

And I'm going to be completely honest and say that I have EVERY intention of eating it.  At some point.  Because I'm a firm believer that a little chocolate now and then won't kill me.  I definitely won't eat the whole thing at one time... but when I feel like a candy bar, I'll eat half of it.  

I just can't believe that it's survived this long.  Snickers are my all time favorite candy bar.  A few months ago, it was hard for me to walk past them at the grocery store.  More often than not, I walked out with one...and ate the whole thing on the drive home.  The king sized variety.  

The last time I've let any chocolate pass through my lips was at the pot luck lunch last month at work.  And to think that I can have my favorite chocolate bar stare me in the face for two days, and not get the slightest inclining to actually eat it is OUTSTANDING!  

I didn't feel tormented or tempted.  I didn't stare at it longly having to talk myself down from the temptation.  It just sat there, and I basically didn't pay it any attention.  I had even told myself that when I wanted it, I'd eat it.  But, the want never came.  So, I didn't eat it.

Being that it's Saturday, and I usually spend Saturday evenings on the couch watching a movie, there's a very good chance that tonight will be the night that the urge comes.  And I'm OK with that.  I've accepted it.  Again, I will only eat half..and store the other half away for another time the urge hits.  

I've really been working on training my mind to not look at food as a form of treat.  Or a guilty pleasure.  My mind is finally starting to come to terms with the fact that food is just food.  If I'm craving a certain type of food, I'll eat it.  And, I've discovered that the more good stuff I put in to my body, the more good stuff it craves.  

Two days last week, a student brought me an apple to class.  How old fashioned, right? Bringing the teacher an apple.  HA!  But, on both days, that apple didn't stand a chance.  When I saw it, I wanted to eat it.  And I did... both times.  

If those are the types of "temptations" that are going to be invading my brain..then that's A-OK with me.  The apples just happen to be perfect compliments - or a sweet ending - to my lunch.  And eating the apples sent off the same kind of euphoric feelings I used to feel when eating chocolate.  The apples were sweet, delicious, and I enjoyed every bite.  

Last night was the first time I actually ate "bad" food.  I had to drive the kids to Oklahoma after getting home at 6:30PM.  Hubby had already decided that it would be a good night to just grab something on the way home.  Jelly was given the power to choose our eating place...and she chose Hardee's.  I ate a burger and onion rings.  OK, I ate a Frisco bacon cheeseburger and onion rings.  Those bad boys pack 880 calories.  The onion rings pack a punch of 410 calories for the small order (which I had).  So, my dinner was 1290 calories.  My breakfast yesterday morning was 130 calories.  My lunch was 300 calories.  So my intake for yesterday was 1720 calories.  That's 500 calories over my allotment.  

And, once again, I suffered for putting the junk in to my body.  Bloated feeling, minor cramps, discomfort.  I am my own worst enemy.  I know how that junk will make me feel, I don't even feel like eating it anymore... but like I said, I'm working on trying to convince my brain that food isn't a treat.  It's just not always a successful process.  Standing in front of the menu last night, I could have gone with something a little healthier...but those dang "treat" waves took over.

I'm making strong progress, but I'm still having issues.  I guess it can't be perfect all of the time.  

The best thing is, I'm getting much better at looking at the "big picture".  I truly feel like I'm adjusting at looking at my journey as a life long process.  Focusing on eating healthy most of the time, but understanding that there may be occasions I steer off course and eat stuff I shouldn't.  I no longer dwell or beat myself up over it...because my mind has started understanding the changes it's making.

My previous attempts at losing weight have always ended because I got to a place where I started steering off track, and not caring.  But, the difference now is the fact that I'm not caring about a slight hiccup every once in a while.  Before, not caring translated in to me getting tired of what I was doing and just giving up.

In other words, I'm OK if I eat something I shouldn't every once in a while...because as soon as I've finished I tell myself that it's the only bad eating I'll be doing for a while, and the next thing I put in to my mouth will be healthy.  Before, a bad eating situation resulted in me telling myself that I was OK with eating like crap...or more that I had accepted that I would eat like crap...and just throwing in the towel.

I'm not the same person anymore.

My body is appreciating the new found energy that comes from eating healthy.  It despises the feelings of uncomfortableness that comes from eating crap.  OK, not enough for me to never touch another piece of crap food again, but enough to tell me that crap can't be a constant fixture.  

I'm starting to rekindle the old feelings of fitting in to clothes better, feeling better about the way I'm starting to notice the changes it's making.  

And, honestly,for the first time ever...I don't look at what I'm doing as a diet or a weight loss plan or a set of rules that have to be followed.  

Even back a few years ago when I lost so much weight, my mind set was that of rules, discipline, and plans.  The slightest falter on any of them resulted in gains and feelings of failure.  

I can honestly say that it feels different this time around.  I haven't logged my food in a couple of weeks.  I'm focusing more on the types of foods I'm eating and portion sizes.  No food is off limits, but the healthier options are starting to become second nature.  It's been long enough, now, that the habits are starting to take hold..and I don't really have to assess and count and measure.  It's starting to just be natural to do what I'm doing.

And the proof is in the pudding.  I've logged losses each and every week since I made the commitment almost two months ago.  The weight is coming off.  More quickly on some weeks than others, but it's still coming off each and every week.

I'm obviously doing something right, and being that there's not near as much mental discipline involved anymore - it tells me that it's something I can keep going with.  Forever.

The weight really is going to come off this time...and stay off.  I feel it in every ounce of my being.  I'm making drastic transformations, and I'm loving each and every one of them.

I feel free.  Yet, at the same time I feel focused.  

I no longer look at my situation as a battle that has to be won, but more as a dedication to a life-long way of living.  It's not something I'm going to do just to lose weight, but something I'm going to do for the rest of my life that results in losing weight...until the weight is gone, and I'm just maintaining.

I know that some people will read this today and think it's pretty pathetic that I'm "allowing" myself to eat junk food every now and then.  They will probably think that if I'm truly committed, that I won't ever touch the stuff again...and that I'm just making up excuses when I do slip and fall.

But that's not the case at all.  Yes, there are some people who have gone YEARS without letting a single morsel of junk food pass through their lips.  And good for them!  But, what I've achieved in the last couple of months is a big deal to me...and I feel like what I'm doing and how I'm doing it is working.

And really, I couldn't be any happier than I am.  It's all starting to hit home, come in to focus, adjust my perspective.

It's no longer about winning or losing, it's about committing to a lifestyle change.  

And the outlook for the rest of my life is a healthy one!

Till next time!

Weigh In Wednesday!

                         

When I woke up this morning, something told me that today's weigh-in wasn't going to go very well.  Call it a premonition, call it ESP, or call it the fact that I knew darned well what was going to happen because of how the last week or so has gone.

And the fact that I ate gas station food for dinner last night.

And the fact that I have only taken my pill once since last Wednesday, because I keep forgetting..and I really need to come up with a better system to remind myself when it's time to take it.

Last week, I weighed in at 248.8lbs.  A great loss from the week before. 

This week?  248.4lbs.

So, still down something... but only 0.4lbs.  

That still puts me at losing 16.6lbs in less than two months.  

I don't think that's too bad.  And it's still possible, I suppose, that I can lose 8.4lbs in the next couple of weeks before my next doctor's appointment... but it's going to be REALLY tough.

And while I'm happy to see at least a tiny loss, I know that my tiny loss versus a decent loss is at my own hand and my own doing.  

With the CR-AZY schedule I had last week, there were several nights that I wasn't eating until after 10PM.  There were several days during the last week that I ate foods I shouldn't.  And the lack of sleep that I had last week didn't help anything. 

This week is going to be better.  Except for the cheeseburger and fries that I had for dinner last night because I was traveling to a football game, and the only place to stop and grab something to eat was a gas station/diner.  

I did, however, skip the shake I bought for everyone else after the game.  While my kids enjoyed a late night Sonic shake - one of the things that helped me gain a few pounds over the summer - I opted for a cherry limeade instead.  

One thing I've learned this week is that when I keep a crazy schedule, I have to be better at planning ahead.  When I know I'm going to be traveling for a game, I need to pack something to eat on the road.  I can't rely on stopping somewhere and making the right choice.  When I'm in a hurry, I don't let stuff like calories and portions take the front seat for my decision.  I shove them both in the back, and think about what the quickest food is to grab and go.

Losing 16.6lbs is amazing.  And I'm very proud of it.  Yet, I know that I still have so much to learn, and so much to do before I have a handle on what "eating healthy for life" is all about.  It can't just pertain to "life" when there's no running here, there and everywhere...because my life doesn't work that way.  I spend a good majority of my life in that mode, so I have to figure out the best ways to deal with healthy eating on the go...as a busy mom.

But, I learn each and every day, move on, and just start over.  That's the mentality I'm going to have and keep.  If I fall, I just stand back up.  I just have to try and watch myself more closely so that there's less trips and falls on my part, but it's a process..and it's still very early on.  I know I can and will do better.

OK, time to move on...let it go...and get ready for a brand new day.

Till next time!

Don't Let This Big Butt Fool Ya

                          

Before I get to the meat of this post, I want to first say that I don't think there's a single person on this earth that isn't guilty of judgement.  Judging others.  Casting judgement.  It's almost as if our brains our hardwired to do so.  And even though there are many people, myself included, who claim to not judge others...it happens.

My brain has done it.  I, for the most part, let my brain make said judgement and then take a second to think.  I can stand in front of someone and judge them, but one thing I know for sure is that I don't know their story...where they've come from, what they've been through.  It's just a first glance that sends the thoughts to my brain.

Seeing that woman in the grocery store wearing the "shorty shorts" and thinking that she really shouldn't be wearing those out in public...she has self esteem issues and is screaming for attention.

The mother pushing a baby around that is in tattered and stained clothing, has a dirty face, and hair that is matted, while she wears clean clothes, has clean hair, and looks well maintained and groomed...she neglects her child.

The guy standing on the street corner with a sign begging for food or money...he needs to devote his time to finding a job.

The pregnant teenager... she should have been kept on a shorter leash, and taught better values by her parents.

The parents that never show up to parent/teacher conferences, family nights, or sporting events... they don't give a rat's behind about their child's school life.

And my list could go on and on and on.

Each one of those judgements I've cast myself.  And there have been more.  I use these examples today, because I've been fortunate to find out the error of my judgement...the true story of what's misconstrued in to my judgement.

That girl in the shorty shorts?  She grew up as an obese child.  She hated herself, hated who she was and what she looked like.  In college, she finally found hope in a fitness group, lost over 100lbs, and wears those shorts with pride...because it goes against the person she grew up as.  Her shorty shorts are now a badge of honor...she finally has the fit body to do so.  And she doesn't care what other people think about her when she's in them.

That mother pushing around the dirty child?  They had spent the day at the park.  Her child had played in the creek and the mud.  They had eaten ice-cream that dripped all over the place...getting in to the child's hair and on his clothes.  They hadn't made it home for bath time, and were finishing out the day picking up treats for a movie night at home.

The guy standing on the street corner?  He'd been laid off of his job three months ago.  He had three children he was trying to support...and a wife that had an illness preventing her from working.  He had spent three months in employment agencies and trying to find a job.  On the weekends, he started out his day trying to gather enough money to provide a meal for his family...before hitting the streets once again on the hunt for employment.

The pregnant teenager?  Raped.  By a person close to the family.  Instead of having an abortion, she had found parents that would take care of her baby after birth.  Instead of ending the life of the child growing inside of her, and putting an end to her suffering...she decided to make a bad situation a blessing for people that had been trying to conceive for a decade.

The parents that never show up for anything?  Only one parent living in the household, the other deceased.  Mom was working two jobs to support her family, and taking time off from work to attend school events just wasn't an option.  Because of the income generated from both jobs, she didn't qualify for any form of assistance..but both jobs barely brought in enough to support her family.  Taking time off could mean not being able to afford a rent payment, or electric bill, or food on the plates of her children.

Sad, but very true.  

And while my examples are extreme, they are the types of judgements that each and every one of us make at some point in our lives...and I was unfortunate enough to be at the receiving end of the judgement yesterday.  Not near the level of the examples I provided, but not any less damaging to my mind...how it made me feel.

I decided to go out on my walk yesterday.  And I had already decided that I was going to try jogging again.  Throw in some intervals of jogging and walking, just to see how far I could go.  

I walked up to the park, which is a mile away from my house.  When I got there, I started my intervals... 30 seconds of jogging, one minute of walking.  And I did it!  I was able to go the first 30 seconds with no problem.  I was so happy and proud of myself.  I walked my one minute, and did another interval of 30 seconds jogging.  Again, no trouble.  Another minute came to an end, and another 30 second jog started.

By this time, I had reached the playground area of the park, and there were some teenagers hanging out.  As I approached, I noticed one of the teens pointing at me, and the others in the group laughing.  I held my ground, kept on jogging, and tried to ignore it.  Then, the pointer decided to yell out "Earthquake!" as I ran by.  I pulled one of my headphones out of my ear, and had planned on saying something.. but then another teen in the group yelled "Stop running, Fatty, you're making the whole ground shake!"

Tears instantly sprang to my eyes.  My first reaction was to march right over there and give them a piece of my mind.  But I didn't.  I couldn't.  My tears told me that they'd take it as weakness, and I didn't want to give them the satisfaction.  I just put my headphones back in my ears, and even though it was time for my walk interval.. I took off running.  To get away from them.  I had to wipe tears from my cheek when I stopped running.  And then I got angry.  Really angry.  

How dare those little punks say something like that about me.  They didn't know me.  They didn't know what I'd been through.  They probably couldn't fathom the ecstatic feeling I had felt only minutes before when I was able to get through two intervals of jogging for 30 seconds, and how much it meant to me.

They just cast their judgement.  Without knowing MY story.

Would it have made any difference if I had stopped?  Would they have regretted their taunts if I had told them that almost 3 years ago I weighed 300lbs and could barely walk for 15 minutes, and that I  had managed to lose enough weight to run 3 miles?  Would they have apologized if I had told them that in the past month I've dropped 14lbs, after gaining a lot of the weight back and was starting the process over to be able to run again?  Would they have understood the impact of their words if I had shared with them that I may be fat, but I'm working my behind off to change that..to be healthier for my kids, and alive to see them grow up?

Probably not.

Which is why I didn't bother.  

But, I let those little twerps get inside my head.  I let what they said bother me.  And it affected the rest of my time out.  I passed them one more time and again saw their laughter and the movement of their mouths as they were probably calling out more jeers.  I made the decision after that to just head on home.  

On the walk back home, instead of dwelling on what had just happened, I let this blog post surface in my head.  

Who am I to give them a piece of my mind when I'm guilty for casting judgement myself?  

It's not the first time I've been judged or made fun of...probably won't be the last.  But, what I can take away from it is the pleasure of knowing that at least when judgmental thoughts pass in to my head, I can take a step back and remind myself that I don't know that person's story.  I don't know what they've been though.  And that I possess no room to pass ANY judgement, because my life is quite worthy of it's own false judgement.

By the time I made it back to my driveway, I had let all the anger and frustration go.  I replaced it, once again, with joy and pride that I had done what I set out to do.  OK, had the teens not been there, I probably would have done more.. but those few intervals were enough to tell me that I am ready to get back in to the running game again.  Maybe even sooner than I thought.  

And, those tears that had immediately sprang to my eyes had filled me with fire.  Anger.  Rage.  But, rather than unleashing any of it on to some kids that have no idea of my story or my life, I decided to push it all down and refocus it.  Use it for good.  I am now more motivated than ever to get down to my goal weight, to get my running back, and be the fit person I've always dreamed of being.

My only hope is that one day, when I've done what I intend to do, I see those teens again.  Their faces will probably be scarred in to my brain from here on out.  I will use them to push me every minute I doubt myself, want to give up, or convince myself that I'm too tired to do what I planned on doing.  So, that if we shall ever meet again... I can finally give them a taste of what their words did to me.

I will tell them who I am and where I came from.  I will tell them the struggles I faced and the obstacles I overcame to get to where I am at that moment.  I will tell them that one day, they will face that kind of judgement themselves...and will hopefully remember my story.

Will it make any difference?  Who knows.  But it will to me.  

I am who I am because of the paths I chose to get me here.  The paths I have still yet to take are of my own choosing.  

My life has been no bed of roses.  I've had to pick up the pieces many times over and start over...wipe the slate clean...make the decision to turn them around.

There have been paths that have led me right back to the beginning.  Wrong turns here and there.  But, I keep on down the paths looking for the right one.  The one that leads to my goals.  And I will never stop until I get there.

"Judge not, lest ye be judged"

And yesterday I got a taste of that medicine.  And something for me to take with me on this journey.  

 Judge away, if you want, but until you've walked in my shoes you will never know my story...or where I came from...and you have no idea where I'm going.  

I am a fighter.  A winner.  A struggler.  A loser.

All make me who I am, all motivate the person I want to become.  And no words or actions of others will take that away from me.  I am the commander of my vessel, and I'm taking this ship on a journey of success!

Till next time!