I'm Not Stupid, YOU ARE!

One thing that never ceases to amaze me as a blogger, is the amount of support I receive.  From total strangers.  People read what I have to say, and then will post fantastic comments or send me awesome emails wishing me well, providing some good advice, and/or just wanting to tell me that they read what I had to say and they liked it.

After three years, it has never stopped being surprising and totally awesome.

But, occasionally, I do get an email or comment that isn't supportive.  It isn't even constructive criticism.  It's downright mean and hateful.

Thankfully, over the years, the amount of nasty emails and comments are only a minuscule percentage compared to the good ones.

If a comment is negative, but said in a nice way... I'll publish it.  I don't mind being condoned for some of my practices or disagreed with.  Everyone has their right to an opinion, and I'm not going to pick and choose to only publish the opinions that agree with mine.

I refuse, however, to publish comments that are just right mean and nasty.  That I won't do.  I'll delete them and go about my merry way as if the comment was never there in the first place.  No one has to know - that's why I moderate my comments.  It's my choice to publish them or not...and I won't if someone wants to sit on their side of the computer and just spurt out nasty things about me.

Unless, of course, I chose to write an entire blog post about it...

Which is what I'm going to do today.

This morning, I had a comment waiting to be reviewed.  I went to it and started reading.

First line:  YOU'RE STUPID!

Well...surely this comment was worthy of a full read.  I sit on the edge of my seat after seeing that line in caps, as well as the entire comment. This one is going to be a doozy, I knew it.

Full comment:

YOU'RE STUPID!

I HAVE NEVER READ A MORE STUPID EXCUSE FOR A BLOG THAN THIS ONE.  WHY ARE YOU EVEN WASTING YOUR TIME AND THE TIME OF YOUR READERS BY POSTING SUCH GARBAGE?  IT'S NO SURPRISING YOU'RE STILL FAT IF THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE SPEWING OUT EVERY DAY.  THE TRASH THAT YOU ARE STUFFING IN TO YOUR MOUTH EVERY DAY IS COMING OUT IN YOUR WORDS.  WHO EVEN READS THIS S**T?  ANYONE THAT WASTES THEIR TIME COMING HERE MUST BE JUST AS STUPID AND IGNORANT AS YOU ARE.  PLEASE DON'T CALL YOURSELF A BLOGGER, BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT.  YOU'RE JUST F**KING STUPID.  

THERE'S NO CHANCE YOU WILL EVER LOSE WEIGHT BECAUSE YOU DO NOTHING BUT WHINE AND CRY ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO LOSE WEIGHT.  HOW ABOUT YOU STOP EATING?  HOW ABOUT YOU START EXERCISING?  HOW ABOUT YOU QUIT MAKING UP LAME A** EXCUSES AND ACTUALLY DO IT?  BUT DON'T BLOG ABOUT IT.  THAT'S JUST DEPRESSING AND WORTHLESS.  IT WOULDN'T SURPRISE ME IF YOU SIT THERE EVERY DAY WRITING WHILE YOU'RE STUFFING YOUR FACE WITH CUPCAKES AND COOKIES.  

DO US ALL A FAVOR "FAT WOMAN", GO EAT ANOTHER CUPCAKE AND LEAVE THE BLOGGING TO PEOPLE THAT ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT THE HELL THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT.  

And, surprise, surprise... the sender of this wonderful comment?  Anonymous.

Figures.

My first reaction was to just delete it and move on.  Then, I thought that maybe I should publish it.  I suppose it's a valid opinion...even if it is a little harsh.  But, I decided to have a go at it head on... I could be the bigger person and just ignore it... but why be a bigger person?  That's something I'm trying not to be.  

Instead, I copied and pasted it here for you guys to see.  And then I went through and fixed all the red squiggly lines that appeared on my page.  My OCD just wouldn't allow for me to leave the atrocious spelling... it had to be fixed.  Surely, someone that starts out by calling me stupid could at least spell "excuse" right... but it was spelt "exscuse".  Just looking at the red line I'm now leaving behind is driving me nuts.

But, bad spelling aside, the comment hurt.  Pretty bad.  I know that there are people out there that may stumble across my blog and have those feelings.  I've even said it about myself sometimes... that I'm probably stupid for doing some of the things I do or saying some of the things I say.  But, I can say those things about myself - it's just not OK for someone else to say them about me.

So, I'm going to do what I want to do...respond.  Gloves off.  Professionalism aside.  And hopefully, my anonymous "friend" comes back to see if I published his/her comment and responded.

Dear Anonymous,

I'm not stupid, you are!  

If my blog is so bad, why on earth are you reading it?  I'm not sure if you know this or not, but there's a few buttons on the mouse that's connected to your computer that will help with the problem you're having.  Don't like it?  DON'T FREAKIN' READ IT!  There.  Simple.

While I'm sure that you are the head of the Blog Readers of the World, and anyone that ever reads blogs has designated you as the their one and only voice to speak for them...I don't write my blog for anyone else.  I write it for myself.  

I honestly don't give a rat's behind what you think of my blog, of me, or what I have to say.  I've never declared myself as a "professional blogger" or even worthy of anyone choosing to read my blog.  I'm honored and humbled by the fact that people do read what I have to say.  But, even if I wrote my blog every day and not a single person ever read it... I'd still keep doing it.  It's for me.  Not for dumb asses like you!

I would have written this response back to you, personally... but you forgot to leave your name.  

How about next time, you crawl out from behind that little space you're hiding in and have the balls to at least share who you are?

Better yet.  Don't.  

Just reading back over that makes me cringe.  Why am I even giving this person the time of day?  

But, you know what?  I am sick and tired of people that just can't move on and pretend they've never even seen my blog if they hate it so bad.  Why on earth does someone feel the need to express such nastiness to a complete stranger?

I've read many blog posts that I disagreed with or I thought were terrible.  But, do you know what I do when that happens?  I close out the page and move on.  I would never in a million years think about leaving a nasty comment if I disagreed or didn't like what I read.  I hold the power as to whether or not I read something.  No one puts a gun to my head.  No one forces me to read anything I don't want to read.  

I know there are days when what I write isn't all that great.  There are days when I don't get a single comment...many days in a row, actually.  But, I chalk it up to people being busy, not wanting to comment, or not liking what I have to say.  The silence is received - no offense taken, no worries about it.  Those that didn't like it moved on...no big deal.

It just boils my britches, and saddens me, that there are people out there that just can't do that.  They have to make their voice known - even if it's a nasty, hatred filled voice.  What's the point?  Most of the time the hatred will go unseen... because I delete it.  It was a waste of time.  I read it, I laughed, I deleted, I moved on.  Then who's the stupid one for spending their time doing that?

I probably shouldn't give this commenter the time of day..and I'm probably just falling in to the trap of doing exactly what he or she wanted me to do.  And I'll except my weakness for that.  But, I still think it's worthy to retaliate my own thoughts.

So, if anyone reading my blog hates what I have to say, or disagrees with it, or wants to stab their eyeballs out.  Please.  Do me a favor...see that little "X" at the top of the screen?  Hit that.  And all of your problems will disappear in the blink of an eye.

OK.  Enough from me.  

I'm out.

Till next time!

Joanna

a/k/a Mad, Fat Woman

A Post About Whatever Comes to Mind

One thing I told myself when I started this blog back up was that it didn't have to be a daily blog.  I already have one of those...and I write it every, single day.

The purpose for this blog was to recharge my weight loss efforts, and get back to blogging about it.  The good, the bad, and the everything else in between.

But, apparently, I have a little OCD problem when it comes to my blogs.

For some reason, when I write my other blog... I feel this strong, impulsive desire to come straight here and blog.

For the most part, something eventually comes to mind to talk about.  I either think about something that's playing on my mind or I skim over some other weight loss blogs until I get an idea on what I can cover.

That didn't happen today.

I sat here for a while, thinking, reading...even answering and posting a comment or two.  But the truth is, I got nothing.  Which is very rare... it actually never happens.

So, I thought... well, why not just see what I can come up with?

Here we go...

The third choice option is working well for me.  For anyone that's not familiar with that - it's basically a strategy I'm using to eliminate the junk out of my life, or decreasing it anyway.  Instead of giving in to each craving that I come in to contact with, I only opt to give in to the third.  An example... Friday evening, I was in the mood for something sweet.  Being that I was at my first "temptation", I held off.  Saturday afternoon, my sister offered to buy me a candy bar when she went to the store.  I declined - second temptation.  Sunday afternoon, I wanted a candy bar - so I bought one.  Rather than eating three over the course of the weekend, I ate one.

The food is by far the hardest part of losing weight.  That's no secret.  Everyone knows that to truly lose weight for life, it's 80% diet and 20% physical activity.  Or something like that.  I know I've heard it a thousand times.  The problem is, I always give 80% to exercise and 20% to my food choices.  And even though I'm working out and doing 80% more activity than I'm used to doing...it doesn't do a thing for me if my eating doesn't mesh.

And the main problem is that I'm not eating enough.  Well, not eating enough when I should.  What I mean is, I have a really bad habit of skipping meals...or eating extremely light for meals like breakfast and lunch which causes over eating at dinner time.  It's been the age-old story with me.  I just sometimes forget to eat during the day, because I'm occupied doing other activities.  I'm not bored, so I don't think about eating.

And the sad truth is, I don't know what it feels like to actually be hungry.

I don't stop to think about eating during the day, because my body doesn't indicate to me that I need to stop what I'm doing and eat.  Or if it does, I don't know what the signal is.

Because I've spent my entire life eating through my feelings, the fact of eating because I need to hasn't really come in to play.  Unless I set an alarm on my phone or something, I don't stop to eat breakfast or lunch...and the only reason I eat dinner when I do is because it's usually prepared for me.

I know that sounds silly.  Someone that doesn't eat much is as heavy as I am... but it's the truth.  And I know why.  Because when the food is prepared and in front of me... I realize I haven't eaten all day, and then eat until I'm stuffed.  In the evening.  And then sit on the couch for the rest of the night letting all that food absorb in to my system...and my butt..and face..and thighs...and midsection.  Rather than balancing all of my eating over the course of the day, I do it all at once...in huge portions.  I might not even reach my calorie intake for the day - but I know that eating 1200 calories in one sitting is causing me serious problems.

That's why meal planning is so important.  Along with eating about 6 times a day - very small meals six times a day.  The calories are separated out.  More chance for the calories that are consumed to be burned off.  If I'm working out and then ending my day eating a 1200-2000 calorie meal...I'm only adding to my problem rather than fixing it.

Food aside, I can feel the affects that my exercise is having on me.  No, I'm not feeling the pants getting looser or anything like that... but I am feeling more energetic.  I don't or haven't wanted to take a nap since leaving summer school.  Before school got out, I made it a summer goal to spend my days getting in a nap.  But, being that I've been so active, I haven't had the desire to do that.  I'd much rather opt for a swim in the pool followed up with lounging in the pool for a while.  Or going for a long walk and then watching a bit of TV.  I can also stay up much later and get up much earlier.  

Also, I notice I sweat a lot more.  Not really sure if that's good or bad.  But, when I first started working out again - back in summer school - I had to do a lot of physical activity before I really started to sweat.  Now, I can sit for a little while in the sun and be sweating my behind off.  Like right now for example.  I'm sitting on the patio with my coffee and iPad.  It's warm outside, but there is a nice cross breeze... nothing too hot.  But, I can feel the sweat dripping down my back.  I'm doing nothing but sitting here, and I'm sweating.  

That's not usual for me.

All in all, I know that in order to start seeing progress, I'm going to have to align my eating with the desire I have to exercise.  I have the desire.  I'm following through on the desire.  But, my eating is standing in the way for it to do any good.

I've received some suggestions about what I can do about it.  A friend offered up Vegan Before Six.  I looked in to it, but I know that it wouldn't work.  My addiction to food doesn't come from meat or even dairy..it comes from carbs.  What I don't eat in meat and dairy will undoubtedly come from carbs.  

I've been told that I should go back and give Atkins another try.  While I lost a lot of weight in a small amount of time with Atkins, and I know it will work if I actually follow the entire program... it's the feeling of "I couldn't do it before, why could I do it now?"  that plays on my mind.

Countless people have recommended doing the 6 times a day, 1 protein/2 carb ratio meal plan.  Again, something I've tried and know works.... but struggle with eating so many times.

The sad truth is, my past is causing my struggle with the future.  I just can't shake the feeling that because I've succeeded and then crashed before - I will do it again.  My biggest obstacle right now is just committing and doing...and not letting doubt get in the way.

I honestly think that a mixture of all three programs needs to come in to play here.  I need to eat more often in smaller portions.  I need to cut back on carbs.. big time.  I need to focus on eating more veggies and fruit rather than meat and dairy.  

And so, I'm just going to go with setting my alarm throughout the day.  I'm going to plan what I'm going to eat at each one of those times.  I'm going to make it a goal to incorporate a lot more veggies and a lot less carbs, meat, and dairy.  Not eliminate anything, just balance out the variety more.  

And lookey there... a blog post... about weight loss, or trying at least.

I amaze myself sometimes.  If I just sit and let my feelings out through my fingertips, all kinds of revaluations  happen.

Right now, I need to go and work on a meal plan.  

Stat!

Till next time!

Joanna

a/k/a Mad, Fat Woman

Late Night Craving.... For Walking

If you read my other blog, then you should have already read about my weekend.  My house has been full of teenagers.  And it's been...urm...well...a little stressful to say the least.

They are all well behaved kids.  And they haven't actually caused any problems or driven me stir crazy - but there's just a lot of people in my house right now, which I'm not actually used to.

So, last night, my brother and I were in need of some quiet time.  He, like Hubby, isn't really fond of being around lots of people.  It was after 8pm, so his suggestion was to go and get half priced shakes from Sonic.

We thought about it for a while, but then I thought about how that's not really what I wanted to do to ease my stress.  

My brother is currently trying to talk me in to horseback riding with him in a few weeks.  My brother LOVES horses, and I do too... but because of my weight, I don't feel comfortable riding them.  He's trying to motivate me to lose some weight so that I'll go riding with him.  Not that I need much more motivation, but it's something to add on to my reward list I suppose.

So, we're sitting there throwing around some ideas for something to do...and he suggests a late night walk.  It was already getting dark by then, but thankfully I now live on a street with sidewalks and street lights.  I didn't hesitate, and put on my walking gear and we hit the streets.

We walked and talked and walked some more.  We were gone for over an hour and a half just walking the streets.  The air was nice and breezy, not too hot or humid.  There was some lightning off in the distance that gave us a light show to focus on.  It was nice.  Really nice.

My brother shared his thoughts about buying horses and getting me on one.  While I'm very apprehensive, I have to admit it would be a lifelong dream to learn how to ride and to do it regularly.  My brother already owns a horse, and has his eye on another.  He has a horse trainer that comes to his house to work on his horse, and she's willing to let me ride one of her horses.  And then, my brother wants us both to go on a long trail ride... with the aid of a coach and supplied horses and equipment.  

There is a weight limit to do it, however, and I'm teetering right around the weight limit.  That makes me sad, but it's a good goal to work towards.  Getting to be light enough to go trail riding.  Not something I'd ever thought about before.  I've always thought about new clothes and being comfortable wearing certain clothing in public places... but never thought about rewarding myself with something that has a weight limit that I have to get below.  Like riding horses.  

The evening walk was something I really enjoyed.  I've struggled getting out of bed at a decent enough time to get in a good walk before it gets too hot.  I hadn't even thought about just going at night.. when I don't have to worry about it.  Of course, even as safe as my town is, I probably wouldn't go after dark by myself.. but there's no reason I couldn't go around 7pm...almost two hours before it gets dark.  

We walked past the park last night, and I noticed that there was a lot going on over there... even at that time of night.  There were people playing volleyball and soccer.  People at the basketball goals.  Lots of team sports being played.  Which gave me another thought.  If I was to mosey on through the park in the evening on one of my walks... I could see what the chances are of me joining in a game of something.  They weren't kids that were playing these sports, they were adults.  It might be the perfect opportunity to meet some people from the town and get my fix for competitive sports that I crave so much.

It's amazing how much you can get from one evening stroll, isn't it?

The chances of horseback riding.

The chances of joining in some competitive sports.

The chances of getting some much needed exercise while enjoying the experience at the same time.

Lots to think about. 

Right now, though, I have a house that is in dire need of some TLC.  So to that I must go.

Till next time!

Joanna

a/k/a Mad, Fat Woman

Let's Talk Food Addiction, Moderation, and "Treat Foods"

                         

Let's do a quick test.

Look at that picture...all those sweets and sodas and chips.

How do you feel looking at that picture?

Do you look at that picture and feel excitement?  

Do you look at that picture and feel guilt?

Do you look at that picture and feel disgust?

If you just chose excitement, chances are you're someone that doesn't get confronted with options like this very often...and you are possibly 5 years old.  In which case, I am very happy that you are able to read this... although I'm sure there's much more interesting reads for a 5 year old - and no, I'm not giving away the candy to a kid who can read this and then answer questions about it.

If you chose guilt, chances are you are recalled back to times when you'd dive in to that pile of junk and have a hay day....or maybe you ate a candy bar yesterday and are now thinking that it was a terrible thing to do.

If you chose disgust, chances are you're someone that has battled weight loss and have found the righteous path to clean, healthy eating... or you never had to worry about it in the first place and have always been on the righteous path.

And, chances are if you look at that picture and all three choices are valid options... there's a good chance you might be somewhat of a food addict.

Now, I'm not a doctor.  I'm not about to diagnose or attempt to tell you what you should or shouldn't feel when you look at that picture.  I can't even tell you what it means if you feel a certain way about that picture...the only information I have to go on is my own personal background that applies only to me.

It seems that lately, there has been a buzz among the weight loss blogging world about moderation and "treat foods" and food addictions.  I've read.  I've processed.  I've agreed and disagreed with lots of thoughts and opinions.  But, at the end of the day, all I've been able to do is compare and contrast those situations to my own.

Am I food addict?

Honestly, when I look at that picture, I start to automatically pick out the treats I enjoy and the ones I don't.  

Sure, I'll take the Snickers and the Dr. Pepper and the Peanut M&Ms.  Not interested in the Doritos or Sprite or the Skittles.

That was my first reaction.  Not excitement, guilt, or disgust.  I start making choices... which ones would I pick if the items were really in front of me.

My mind doesn't automatically start telling me "NO! YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY OF THAT! YOU'RE TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT!", until I actually make myself be reminded that I'm here writing about that.  

It's just my first initial reaction.  

In order to feel some kind of feeling, I have to step back and focus.  How do I feel when I look at that picture? 

Well, I feel a little excitement.  I think about how much I enjoy eating a Snickers...my favorite candy bar.  And then I start thinking about how long it's been since I've had a Snickers bar...I love them, but haven't eaten one in a while...maybe I should.

Which then triggers guilt.  I feel guilty about thinking about eating a candy bar.  Just thinking about it.  If I was that serious about losing weight, would I start thinking about eating candy bars?  What about that Diet Dr. Pepper I drank yesterday.  That wasn't good.  I shouldn't be drinking soda...even if it is diet.

Which then triggers disgust.  Eating and drinking crap like that is what got me in this trouble in the first place.  I'm fat because I fell in to the trap of enjoying candy bars and sodas.  I feel disgusted that I can look at that picture and feel anything but disgust about how much sugar and crap is pictured.. the disgust comes only from myself.  

As Jeff Foxworthy would so rightly say.... if you look at that picture and your mind starts racing in a thousand different directions, You might be a food addict.

Because the truth is, I know that I got this way and continue to be this way because I'm addicted to food.  Not near as bad as I used to be... but still pretty bad.

My eating is controlled by my feelings.  And I'm not talking about the feeling of hunger.  I'm talking about my emotions.

Happiness leads to eating.  Anxiety leads to eating.  Sadness leads to eating.  Boredom leads to eating.  Content leads to eating.

All directions point to the center: Eating.

I have, and probably will always be a firm believer in "Everything's fine in moderation".  

I've said it and heard it thousands and thousands of times.  But, what is moderation?  

Is a candy bar a day moderation?  How about one a week?  Once a month?

Is replacing all but one of my drinks a day with a Diet Dr. Pepper moderation?  Or should that be left to once in a while when I just feel like drinking a Diet Dr. Pepper?

If I chose to consume some alcohol with friends and family... is one moderation?  Three?  What if I only drink once in a blue moon?  Can I have more alcohol on that one night because of that?

The truth is, moderation is one of those words that has a different meaning for just about everyone you ask.  If I go an entire week without eating any junk food, and then I eat at McDonald's one day... I've eaten in moderation.  Even if it was a Double Quarter pounder with cheese, large fries, and a large drink.  I went a long time not eating that stuff, and now I'm eating it.  Moderation.  Right? (*That's sarcasm, I don't really believe that)

Of course my brain disagrees.  But, who writes the guidelines for moderation?

To someone that consumes food to excess..and for emotional reasons... using the word "moderation" is like playing a game of Russian Roulette.  Having a little of this and a little of that now and again should be OK.. but unless we have some kind of rule book defining exactly what moderation means, we start making our own guidelines.  And that's never really good.

But, then, I look at the alternative.  I should eat healthy foods 100% of the time.  Clean, fresh, wholesome foods that are good for me.  No junk.  No white sugar or flour.  No fried foods.  None.  Zip.  Zilch.

Do you know what happens then?

I go just fine for a few days.  I am proud of how I've eaten.  I feel better..physically.  Then, I do something stupid like eat a cookie or a piece of white bread or drink a diet soda... and all those nasty feelings of disgust and guilt come flooding back.  I torment myself because I broke the cardinal rule.  I am NOT ALLOWED to eat any of that stuff, and because I did I feel like a failure.

Then, what do I hear... "It's OK, everything is OK in moderation"

And BAM... back at square one.

I know there is a science involved with healthy eating, and eating to live rather than living to eat.  It's out there... it's worked for so many... it's just getting to the stage where I can accept it and apply it to my own life.

Because, that's the secret.  

It's all my own doing.  It's all up to me and me only.  I have to chose the rules and play by them.  I have to sacrifice and commit.  Or I end up right back here singing another "poor me" song about how I failed and let go.

The sad truth is, I know that I can't go the rest of my life never putting sugar, white flour, or fried foods in to my mouth.  I can say I can... I can try... but it will just never happen.  

And I know that sounds like failure before I even try.

It's not.  It's acceptance.  It's understanding the been-there and done-thats of my past.  

So, I have to create my own definition of Moderation:

Focus on eating healthy.  Chose foods that are healthier.  Read nutritional labels.  Plan meals.  Count calories.

And, if you eat something that contains any of those nasty ingredients that you are avoiding... don't beat yourself up.  Move on.  Be mindful about what you eat and how you eat it and why you are eating it.  There's no such thing as "eating by mistake".  

I am a person that has spent many months not going a single day without putting a hefty load of junk in to my mouth.  I started out by consciously putting less junk in to my mouth each day.  Then, I went a couple of days without any junk.  

And that's about as far as I've gotten....

But my journey can and will continue.

If I go two or three days before eating any "junk", I tell myself that's a small victory.  If I pass up two items I shouldn't eat and then succumb to the third...that's a small victory.  If I am ready to up that number to five before I succumb to eating it...that's a bigger victory.  And so on and so on.

That's my definition of moderation.  I'm not eating every junky item I'd normally eat.  I'm cutting junky items out of my diet...slowly.  I'm not jumping on a band wagon of banning certain foods...yet.

I just can't do the Cold Turkey way.  It doesn't work for me.

Do I know that it will take longer to lose the weight thinking the way I do?  Sure.  But, what if it takes longer but lasts forever?  Isn't that worth it?

It took me a year to lose 80lbs a couple of years ago.  I went cold turkey.  Dived right in to healthy eating and healthy living.  I did a great job.

It took all of 6 months to gain back 60lbs.  Just from slacking off on the "NO JUNK" diet.  I started to let the foods I banned back in to my life.  One by one by one...and then the weight was right back again.

When I started running back then, I couldn't just walk out my door and take off on a 3 mile run.  I had to ease myself in to it.. slowly.  First a 15 minute walk, then 30 minutes, then light jogging for 1 minute, then 3 minutes, then 5...and eventually several months later I was running.  Really running... for miles.

Why can't that work with the way I eat?  Slowly easing my way in to it.  Reducing rather than increasing.  Still building stamina for how long I can go not eating certain foods, or certain amounts of food.

I know people will read this and call me an idiot.  I know they will think I'm trying to cop out and make excuses for the foods I still continue to consume.  

But, just like no one else can tell you how you feel about that picture up top... no one can tell me if it can or can't work.  Regardless if they tried it or not.  It might work for me.  

I've tried so many programs that other people have tried and succeeded with... but they didn't work for me.  Why can't I try something that not many people would agree with?  Maybe it agrees with me.

It's a trial.  A test.  It's either going to work or it's not.  But, history tells me that the other way doesn't work either.

And that's my thoughts on moderation, "treat foods", and food addiction.

Till next time!

Joanna

a/k/a Mad, Fat Woman

"Extreme" Motivation From an Extreme Weight Loss Couple

A few years ago, I joined a Mommy & Me group to help me socialize and meet mommies in my area that I could befriend.  It was a great group.  Jelly and I went to several playdates and various houses, went for little field trips, and the mommies even spent several nights out alone... kid free.

I met a great group of women being a part of that group.  It was sad when I had to leave the group because school and work were becoming too much to handle while juggling the events that the group had planned.

One of the awesome women I met was named Rachel.  She was a mother to twins - a girl and a boy - around Jelly's age.  She was a stay-at-home mom, but had previously been a special education teacher.  Being that I was on the pursuit for my education degree, I was automatically drawn to her.  

One thing about the group - there were a lot of "fit" mothers in attendance.  Beautifully lean.  Regular exercisers.  Healthy eaters.  And then there was Rachel and I.  

Another reason I think I was drawn to her from the get-go.

Rachel and I were the two biggest members of the group.  We both looked to weigh about the same amount of weight, and I felt more comfortable when she was around... because I was with another person that was my size.

When I did start really losing weight and getting active, I'd already left the Mommy & Me group and Rachel and her husband had moved to Michigan - but Rachel and I stayed in touch through Facebook and my blog.  She often sent me messages or left comments on my blog about her interest in doing the same.  And she started her own blog, with her husband, about trying to lose weight together.

I could tell how devoted Rachel was about losing weight, at first... but as my posts about weight loss began dwindling, so did Rachel's.  And it was about the same time we kinda lost touch with each other.  No more little messages or encouragement from either side, because it was apparent we had both just given up... again.

Fast forward a couple of years, and Rachel and I are still friends on Facebook.  We don't talk, really, but I keep up with her goings on....and one day I get a notification that Rachel has a new page.  It's titled...

Extreme Weight Loss:  Jason and Rachel

And I'm all like WHAT THE WHAT???

Yep, I find out that my lucky toot of a friend AND her husband have been participants on Chris Powell's show Extreme Weight Loss.  The show where people have a year to transform their lives and lose the weight.  

My first reaction was total jealousy.  HA!! Just kidding... not really.  No.   My first reaction was happiness.  I was  going to watch one of my favorite shows and actually personally know one of the participants.  I started following their page and watched for updates on when their show was going to air.  I was also genuinely happy that she and her husband were getting such an amazing opportunity, and I knew in my bones that it was the opportunity that both of them desperately wanted and needed. I know because I had conversations with Rachel "back in the day" about how awesome it would be to go on a show like Biggest Loser, and get the help we both desperately needed.

Their episode aired last week.

All I have to say is WOW.

To see what these people went through, accomplished together, and what came out on the other side is more than inspiring... it's damn right motivational!

I sat and watched the entire two hours going through every emotion possible.  Happiness, sadness, anger, disappointment, and joy. I cried.  I laughed.  I yelled at the screen.  I jumped up with excitement.  I've watched those shows many, many times before... but this time it was different.  Because I knew that woman on the screen.  I had shared conversations with her about how much our weight affects our lives and how different our lives would be if the weight was gone.

And there it was... her weight was gone.

And her husband's.

Together, they lost over 300lbs!  She lost HALF of her body weight.  And she looked amazing...they both did.  They didn't even look like the same people when it was all over with. 

Jason and Rachel have started a new blog to chronicle their journey on Extreme Weight Loss, and to share how they will continue their life post transformation.  And the best part is, I really know that it's going to stay gone.  I don't know Rachel that well, but I got to know her well enough to know that the weight loss isn't something that would come lightly.  She battled it for so long, there's no way it would go to the wayside.  

And I'm excited to read everything they have to say.  I eagerly await their tips and strategies about what they went through and how they accomplished what they did.  I feel honored that I have a friend from the past that got such an amazing opportunity.  And lucky that I'll now be able to learn from her and hopefully use the information for my own benefit.

If you want to check the blog out, visit www.ourfamilybalance.com

There's already a few posts waiting for you to check out with some great tips and information.  

One thing I do know is that I may not be lucky enough to get Chris Powell to train me.  I may not get a year going through the hell Rachel and Jason went through.  I may not even get the opportunity to ever look as amazing and beautiful as Rachel does, or as fit and handsome as Jason is now.  But, they can give me the hope and information I can use to at least try.  

Another tool added to the tool belt.

I can't speak much for Jason, because I never met him... but I'm so happy Rachel was given the opportunity.  I know her well enough to know that she will pay it forward.  She will enjoy helping others and providing encouragement and support to those looking... like me.  Her heart is a good one, and if she has the opportunity to help someone that really needs it, she will do what she can to try.

So, I say CONGRATULATIONS to Jason and Rachel.  I am so freakin' proud of you both.  You inspire me to move.  You inspire me to eat better.  You inspire me to keep the faith that no matter how tough it gets, I can continue and succeed.

And it's also the first person... and probably only person... I'll ever get the privilege to say that I knew, personally, from the show.

I'll be reading.  I'll be following your directions.  And when it's all started working and I'm rocking my new, healthier body...I'll be expecting to take a little trip to Michigan for my own big reveal.  HA!  Just kidding.  Not really.

OK, I must go... but now that I'm done here, you really should go check out their blog.  Tell 'em I sent ya.  Because I can guarantee, that while you may enjoy reading what I've got to say here... it's nothing compared to the goodness (and actual help) you'll be able to get from them.

But, just make sure you come back here tomorrow....I'll eventually have good advice to give.  One day.  I hope.

Till next time!

Joanna

a/k/a Mad, Fat Woman

A New Swimsuit Was in Order

So, yesterday, I wrote about how scared I was about wearing a bathing suit out in public.  Today, I was supposed to be taking the kids to a new water park...and the thought of being in a bathing suit where total strangers could see me was nerve wracking to say the least.

Luckily, and unfortunately, our trip has been postponed until next week.  Something came up with P-Momma, and so we just decided to cancel for today and go next Friday.  No biggie.

And inside I'm rejoicing just a little that I have another full week to process and prepare for wearing a bathing suit out in public.

I made a rash decision yesterday, and that was to buy a new bathing suit.  Not that I really needed one.  I have a suit that fits perfectly well for swimming around in my own personal pool.. but it is a two-piece and I just couldn't stomach the thought of wearing it out at the park.  Even though it's a full coverage two-piece.

So, I went on the hunt for a one piece that I liked.  And ended up with something similar to the one in the picture...although it has a different design.  

I like the full coverage and comfort that it offers... but I feel like a beached whale in it.  It's big.  Too big for my liking.  And I don't mean I bought the wrong size... I mean I had to buy a size that I didn't want to buy.  Any size that has a 2 in the front of it makes me mad.  I don't want to start straying up in to the 20s again... but I had to for this purpose.  I could and can fit in to a size 18 bathing suit comfortably, but being that it's July and that means all the department stores have started phasing out their summer clothes... I was stuck with buying a size 20.  

That sears me to the core.

What the heck is up with the phasing out of summer clothes in July?  It hasn't even been a full month since summer officially started, yet the summer clothing sections at the store look like winter is fast approaching.  And don't even get me started on the Back to School sections that have now popped up in full bloom.

Redirection...now back...

I wore my new bathing suit last night in my own pool, and I liked the fact that I didn't have to keep pulling my top down.  I like the fact that it's not too tight.  I like the fact that because it's a little big, the legs don't come up like a underwear fit, but fit more like boi shorts.  

I don't like the way that it brings a main focus to my midsection... and how far it sticks out.

But there's nothing I can do about that in a week... but something I can do over the course of a few months.

Last night in the pool, I did some major swimming.  I raced the kids, I swam laps for the fun of it, and by the time I got out 2 hours later... my arms and legs felt like Jell-O.  But, if I'm going to have fun in the pool...I want it to be of the exercise kind.  Racing the kids is super fun, and competitive.  Right up my alley.  My kids are old enough now, and swim well enough, that I want them to give me a run for my money... and to still be able to beat them brings some joy to my heart.

I know that probably sounds bad, but my kids are taught that there's nothing wrong with some friendly competition...and in real life, no one is just going to let them win to soothe their egos.  A great life lesson to learn, if I say so myself.

Swimming is something I can do, and do very well.  I've been swimming for as long as I could walk.. before so in fact.  I took swimming lessons as a child.  I learned all the different techniques and stokes.  Most people can run and leave me in their dust.. but when it comes to the pool?  I'm leaving them in my splash.  And it's one thing that my weight hasn't affected.  No matter how big I've gotten, I've never lost my ability to swim my way across a pool like a fish.  And that's something I'm pretty proud of.

Anywho, there's no public display of my body in store for me today.  There are other things planned, which I should probably be getting ready for.  I can breath a sigh of relief for another week... but it will soon be upon me.  I'm going to have to mentally prepare all over again, but it also means that I'm motivated to work my tail off this week... knowing full well that a week won't change my appearance in that bathing suit.  But, it can at least push me off in the right direction.

OK, that's all for today...

Till next time!

Joanna

a/k/a Mad, Fat Woman

Time To Face a Fear

                                        

That's a picture of me in my bathing suit.  Or, a picture of me that I cropped out most of the picture... and probably not enough... of me in my bathing suit.  

That was a few weeks ago.  And here's another picture of me in my bathing suit... right after having my hair cut.  So, about two weeks ago.

                                          

Wanna play a game of find the differences?

My hair is shorter.  I'm using a different colored towel.  I'm taking the picture from the right instead of the left.  I think my face looks thinner in the second photo, but that may just be my imagination.

None of that stuff is what I'm getting at, though.  The point is, these two pictures and the many others I've taken recently all have one thing in common.... not a single one of them will you find me showing off more than what you see right there of my bathing suit.  In fact, I've cropped many of them to cut out more than what's showing there... because the thought of people seeing me in my bathing suit scares me.

OK, so that fear doesn't really apply to my family.  But, even when my parent's come over... I jump in to this thing the minute I'm out of the pool...

                                            

That's from the 4th of July.  Anytime I got out of the pool, I grabbed for my cover-up because there was no way in Hades I was walking around in just a bathing suit.

Yes, me in a bathing suit... where people can actually see me is one of my fears.  Not fear like I have for spiders or heights, but enough to make my stomach all queasy and nervous sweats to start appearing.

And tomorrow?  I either have to face that fear, or spend my entire day sitting on the sidelines missing out on all the fun my family is going to have.

That's because tomorrow, for the first time in a couple of years, I'm going to a public water park.  Public.  Meaning lots of other people - complete strangers - there.  

The last time I ventured to a public pool was when I was down about 60lbs, and not feeling as self-conscious in my bathing suit.  OK, I still had plenty to lose... but I knew that wearing my size 16 bathing suit wasn't as bad as wearing the size 20 I wore the year before.  

Now, this year, I'm back in to a size 18 bathing suit... and I just don't know how I feel about getting out there for complete strangers to see me.

Do I wear the much more flattering 2-piece that I wear at home... that actually covers more rolls and gives off a better size perception than my one piece does?  Or do I just wear the one piece because I have less chance of something slipping out... like the spare tire I wear around my waist even though I think I look like a beached whale in it?

Just thinking about it has made my stomach go all queazy.  

And, I know what some of you are thinking... why not wear a t-shirt or something over the top?  Well, I totally would... but the park doesn't allow it.  Not if I want to get on any of the slides or do any of the fun stuff.  No loose clothing is allowed for that stuff.

The sad part is, I know that there will probably be other women there that are much larger than me.  They'll be sporting 2-pieces or one pieces like it's nothing.  They'll look and act like it's no big deal.. even though I have no idea what they actually are thinking.  But, they'll do it as if it's a normal as getting up in the morning.  

But, I also know there will be those women that are looking.  Judging.  Wondering what on earth a woman of my size is thinking wearing whatever it is I decide to wear.  I know this is where I should say that I shouldn't give a flying flip what those other women think... but I do.  It bothers me to the core.  I hate the feeling like I'm being judged or laughed at or mocked in some way.  

It's the ultimate center of my fear.

I know it happens, because I have been one of those people.  I see women sporting a bikini when they are much heavier than I am... and I automatically wonder how on earth they are comfortable doing that.  I see very large women wearing tight dresses or shorts with a lot hanging out... and I automatically wonder how they do it.  

Not deliberately.  

It takes me a few moments before I knock some sense in to myself and smack myself for doing the exact same thing I fear others are going to do to me.  But it still happens.

I judge.  Even though it goes against everything I believe in.  It happens.  Out of my control, until I can bring myself back to controlling my thoughts and applauding them for being so brave.. or much braver than I am.

What hurts more than anything is that I know I wouldn't have to feel this way if I hadn't of let myself go again.  If I had just stayed on track the last time... I'd be wearing my bathing suit with pride, because I knew how much hard work it took to get to the point where I was comfortable in it.  

But I didn't.

I let it all go again... and now, once again, I pay the price for it.

The truth is, I'll do it.  I'll go in to that park and walk around in my bathing suit... feeling the nervousness and stomach tightening every time I walk by a beautiful girl in her bathing suit.  I'll do it because it's not about me tomorrow... it's about my kids.  Giving them a good time, regardless of how Mommy is feeling about it.

Although I have to remind myself of the feelings I know I will have... each and every day that I get up and don't feel like going for that walk... or when I want to grab for a bag of chips to snack on.  I can't forget.. not anymore.

I remember, now, what it felt like to start to like the way I looked in a bathing suit.  Now that it's too late and the damage has already been done.  But that doesn't mean I can't get that feeling back... maybe by next year.  

It has to stay with me, though.  This time.  I can't let it go.  

I owe it to myself.  To be OK with wearing a bathing suit in public.  For not feeling awkward and judged anytime I step out of my comfort zone.  

And there's only one way for that to happen.

This is my own doing.  My own fault.  

Thank goodness, I'm at least working on fixing it again.  I have that to keep me going, at least.  

Which leads in to a perfect time for some exercise before it's time to get my day started...

Till next time!

Joanna

a/k/a Mad, Fat Woman