That's One Way to Kick Off a Good Week!

Yesterday, I got hit with the 24 hour stomach bug that has plagued my house this week.  

First, Jelly had it on Wednesday.  She got sent home from school, and had to stay off Thursday because there's a 24 hour no throw up rule before returning back to school.  Then, Butter had it.  On Thursday.  And again on Saturday... but, I think his was medicine related.  The second time around.  He took a pain pill on an empty stomach, and it made him throw up.  

Saturday, the kids and I went and saw P-Momma for a while.  When I got home, Hubby informed me that he'd spent most of the day throwing up.

Awesome.

Usually, I can get away with avoiding stuff like that.  Sickies can fleet around my family and I'm usually lucky enough to make it out unscathed.  Not this time around, however.  It hit me hard yesterday, and I spent the entire day either in bed or throwing up.  

Awesome.  Again.

The only stuff that went in to my body yesterday was water and a cup of Sprite.  Which neither lasted any amount of time before they were back out of my body.  

After a day of being sick and not eating anything, I was kinda hoping that the scale would show me that I dropped something crazy like 5lbs in a day.... but no such luck.  Stupid scale.  Apparently, starving myself and throwing up is NOT the way to go for losing weight.  Darn.

Today kicks off my Doctor's Orders month of no whining and no excuses. Starting today, I'm going back to basics.  1200 calories that are logged and calculated.  No slipping, no faltering, no "one little bite won't hurt me" mentality.  My plan is to really bring it home and lose a ton of weight.  So, when I walk back in to his office at the end of the month, I can show him that I really am determined and I can live by a no-excuse mentality.  

Being that fall has been in full force the past couple of days, I want to get out all the cute fall/winter clothes I have stored away that were a little too small for me last year.  That's my number one goal at this point.  I have no idea how much weight I need to lose in order for it to happen, but I know that this time last year there were several items of clothing I had to bypass because I could no longer fit them over my expanding behind.

NOT THIS YEAR!

My doctor also told me that he wants me walking for 30 minutes at least 3 times a week.  I told him that I wanted to start running again, but he asked me to hold off on that for a while.  Only because I have bad knees, and he's worried that too much impact may end up causing me knee problems... especially with the time of the year.  When it starts getting chilly outside, the joints in my knees start getting all funky on me.  He thinks that I should just focus on power walking for a while, and that I could probably start thinking about running when I'm down another 20lbs or so.  

Well, being that this week is a short week at work, I'm thinking that I'll start off my two days off by walking.  Today and tomorrow, I'll be at school until after 8PM due to parent teacher conferences, so there won't be time to walk either day.  Wednesday I will be spending some time in my classroom making sure that I don't have too much work to take home with me for fall break.  Then, Thursday and Friday I'm off work....so I can spend some time thinking about exercising.  

It's definitely time.

One thing I really have to focus on this month is being regular with my pill.  Last month, I was very sporadic with taking it.  In fact, I haven't actually taken the pill in over a week.  A lot of it has to do with forgetting.  I am supposed to take the pill around 10AM, but I'm in the middle of teaching at that time.  I sometimes forget about it until after lunch, and then it's too late.  I'm thinking that this week, I'm going to try taking the pill at 8AM...before my kids come in to the classroom.  We'll see.

My doctor truly believes that if I take my pill every day, eat 1200 calories per day, and walk three times a week for at least 30 minutes, I have a HUGE potential of dropping some serious weight this month.  My first month, I lost 11lbs by doing hardly any exercise.  He thinks I could double that number if I add the regular exercise in to the routine.

How awesome would that be?  Twenty plus pounds in a month?  Is that even possible?

I've even thrown a little incentive in to the mix.  Not for me, however.  

Peanut has been begging me to let her get highlights in her hair.  I'm extremely opposed to the idea because I know how damaging hair color can be, and I think she's a little too young to start doing stuff like that.  

Especially since she straightens her hair quite a bit.  

But, I'm also not opposed to a little wheeling and dealing either.  I have made a pact with her that when I drop 60lbs...I'll let her highlight her hair.  For every pound I lose, that's $1 I'll spend on her hair...and I want it done professionally, so it will cost about $60.  That means, when I get down to 185lbs, she can get her hair done.

At first she wasn't very happy about it.  But, when she heard that I have the potential of losing that amount of weight in about 6 months, she was a little more open to it.  The alternative was her waiting until she is 16.  

Peanut's 14th birthday is in April, and I would LOVE to have lost the weight by then so that she can get her hair done for her birthday.  Plus, she graduates from 8th grade in May...so the timing would be perfect.  That means I really have to buckle down and get this weight off in time.

I usually try and come up with some reward for myself... but I think it might be a little more motivational if I know that one of my kids gets something out of it.

In order to grant her wish, I have to lose 10lbs a month for the next 6 months.  Totally doable.  If I lose more than that, even better.

So, that's what's going on with me right now.  But it's time for me to go and get ready for work.

Till next time!!

Doctor Orders Me to Quit My Whining

I'm still here.  Fighting the good fight.  The fight is just being fought outside the realms of Blog World, simply because I haven't wanted to get out of bed a single day this week in time to write two blog posts.  A couple of days there wasn't even time to write one blog post.

I missed my weekly weigh in and the post recapping my monthly check up with my doctor.  The weigh was kinda sorta missed on purpose, because I really didn't need another depressing week of little results on top of the huge amount of stress I have been under.  And the huge amount of stress isn't anything major, it's just a lot of little stressful things all piled up on top of each other....causing me to feel like I'm under a LOT of stress.

My doctor's visit was somewhat therapeutic.  Somewhat needed for the "poor me" attitude I was putting on myself.  My weigh in wasn't good because of the stress.  The stress was causing me to overeat and turn to food - once again- as a refuge.  

And my doctor had just one thing to say about it all:  QUIT YOUR WHINING!!

Yep.  That's what he had to say to me.  

Let's back up and explain.  

I got to my appointment, and went back to weigh.  

At my first appointment, I weighed 262lbs.  On my second appointment, I weighed 251lbs...down 11lbs from my first visit.  This time, I weighed and the scale said 249lbs.

I knew that wasn't right.  I had weighed that morning and the scale had said 246lbs.  But, it was 4:30 in the afternoon, I had eaten breakfast and lunch and drank a few gallons of water throughout the day. Either way, though... I lost 2lbs or I lost 5lbs.  Neither one anything to write home about.  

The doctor came in, looked at my results, and just asked why I thought I was able to lose 11lbs in my first month but only a couple of pounds my second.  He asked me if I was under any stress.  I laughed, and started listing off everything that has been going on in my life, recently, to answer his question.  I fully expected him to nod his head in understanding and give me a soothing talk about how I really needed to find a way to dispel some of the stress if I wanted the weight to be gone.

He didn't.

He simply said "Everyone has excuses, and you need to quit your whining and deal with them".  Urm.  What?  That's not what a caring doctor would say to a patient that's stressed and unhappy with the fact that she's turned back to food as a form of comfort, and is slowing down the awesome progress she had in her first month.

He saw the obvious shock in my face, because he then asked me if there had been any stress my first month in.  I thought about it.  It was the month I went back to work.  The kids started their sports, but they weren't in to playing many games.  I remember being pretty emotional about some of the changes that were taking place at school and the impact they had on my classroom.  I was going to be working a long side a co-teacher, having the special education kids in my room for math and reading.  That was new and different and a little stressful.  But, then I simply told him that it was nothing compared to what I'd dealt with this month.

He laughed and said "Bull!"  

Again, I was shocked.  Who on earth was this doctor to speak to me this way?

But, he then responded with the fact that of course I was under stress the previous month.  I just had a better grasp on how to deal with it.  OK, the current month had put a little more on my plate than I could handle...but he asked me how many times I'd gone for a walk to release my stress.  A strategy I had told him a month earlier myself for dealing with stress.  He asked me how many times I had stopped before eating something to calculate my calories, and determine if I'm supposed to eat it or I was just eating it for the sake of eating it.  A strategy I had, once again, told him I used a month earlier.  He asked me how many times I'd logged my food intake.  A strategy I told him I used when I felt like my eating was getting a little out of control, in order to help me process how much I was actually eating.

And then it all clicked.

He was doing exactly what I needed him to do.  Throw my own words back in my face.  Throw my own excuses under the bus.  Highlight the fact that I had sat in that very same chair only a month earlier telling him the strategies I was using to battle stress...my original reason for being so overweight.

The realization on my face softened his demeanor just a little.  He looked me square in the eyes and told me that there will ALWAYS be stress.  I knew that, had said the very same thing to him on our first visit together.  I had come to that first check-in meeting full of pride and excitement over the fact that I had been battling everything thrown in my way, and still lost 11lbs in a month.  Yet, the person in front of him at that moment was full of shame and guilt.  I knew that what I was feeding him were excuses.  That there was NO reason to overeat unless I give myself one.  Food is not a fix-all, it's poison....if I look at it with that attitude.  I should be looking at food as nothing more than fuel.  

He then used a pretty good analogy that I would never have thought of.  He asked me if I was old enough to remember Leaded gasoline.  I wasn't old enough to drive when leaded gasoline was available, but I did remember the days when my parents had the option of leaded or unleaded fuel for their cars.  Leaded gasoline was banned because of the toxic poisons that were being emitted in to the atmosphere.  It was cheaper to make, but was actually causing people to get sick.  Thus, resulting in an alternative approach being invented: Unleaded fuel.  

He then asked me that if Leaded fuel was made available again, at a much cheaper cost to what we're currently paying for gas...knowing that it could cause severe damage to my vehicle AND me....would I opt to use Leaded gasoline, or stick to paying for the more expensive, healthier option?

I sat there and looked at him for a moment.  He wasn't finished.  He went on to explain that I could go ahead and use the Leaded version because of the money it would save, but eventually my car would start to have problems.  It's a new car, one not built to handle leaded gasoline.  It would start to have problems.  Stuff would stop working.  The car would start to run a lot less efficiently, and would end up in the shop needing major, expensive repairs.

He asked me if I knew where he was going with all of this....

And I did.

My body isn't built to handle the crap I put in to it.  It starts to lag, store up the junk that's being pumped in to it because it doesn't know what to do with the fat and oil that's not healthy for my system.  It causes fatigue.  It causes pain in the joints and muscles.  

A healthy body runs on healthy fuel.  Enough to keep all the parts running smoothly, but not too much where anything has to be stored because the body doesn't know what to do with it.  

I am an unleaded vehicle pumping myself with toxic, leaded fuel.

Freakin' GENIUS analogy!!

My doctor must be a car man, because he told me that I also wouldn't keep filling my car up with fuel if it just sat in the garage everyday.  Also, leaving my car in the garage and never using it would cause belts to start drying out, gears that become sticky and caked in gunk, and an engine that would collect dust and debris from not being used.  Meaning, if I'm not exercising very often, I don't need to be eating very much.  If I'm not exercising, I'm not keeping my parts in working order and causing them to collect gunk that needs to be driven out.  

He's absolutely RIGHT!!  And what a perfect way to help me see it.  I am not doing myself any favors by being sedentary.  I'm not doing myself any favors by overeating or stress eating or eating junk food because it's quick, cheap, and available.  I have got to get myself up and out of the garage....and see what my engine is capable of.

I go back in a month.  At that time he wants no excuses.  He wants nothing more than results.  Good results.  There is no number attached to those results...because he said I will know if I've done everything I could do to show how committed I am.  The numbers will speak for themselves if I've spent the month 100% committed to my plan, my focus.  

And he's right.  Time to remember that again, get back to doing what I was doing before...and knocking his socks off a month from now.  I can do it, I know I can.  I did it the first month.  No reasons or excuses can come in the way of making this next month absolutely AMAZING.

So, that's where I am right now.  

Now is the time to see what I have in me...and focus everything on getting this weight off, and keeping it off.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Till next time!

I Have a Few Days to Make it Right

What a crazy, stressful, busy week it has been.  And, I know I say that quite a bit...and it's always true...but nothing compared to the crazy that's taken place this week.

Monday, volleyball game in Joplin, MO., home around 10PM.  Tuesday, football game at home, home around 10:30PM.  Wednesday, was supposed to be my one and only free night, that was until Butter broke his wrist at practice resulting in us being at the ER until almost 1AM.  Thursday, another volleyball game at home followed by a home football game of one of her best friends, home around 11PM.  Friday, a volleyball field trip to the University of Arkansas to watch the Lady Razorbacks play volleyball, home around 11PM.  Yesterday, afternoon I went in to work trying to get some stuff caught up, but not succeeding in the slightest, home around 6:30PM.

And you think I exaggerate when I say I lead a hectic life?

If you're wondering about the whole broken wrist thing, you should really read my other blog... I went in to great detail about it there.  If you didn't read it, the short of it is Butter was tackled at football practice and landed on his wrist.  It dislocated his growth plate and fractured the forearm bone.  They had to call in an orthopedic surgeon to pop the growth plate back in to place, because leaving it could have resulted in permanent damage to his wrist, possibly with him not being able to use that wrist again.  My poor boy went through it that night, and he's been recovering ever since at my mom's house.  He was supposed to go back on Tuesday to get a hard cast put on, but he's still in so much pain that I'm calling the doctor tomorrow to see him again. 

So, this entire week has revolved around my kids.  Not that I mind.  That's what a parent does, right?  Puts their kids first and goes without sleep so that they can do the things they want to do.

And I wish that I could say that while all this crazy was going on, I was diligent with my eating and taking my pill and doing everything I'm supposed to do in order to get this weight off.  But, then I'd be lying.  

I was supposed to go to my doctor's appointment on Wednesday.  I had already made the decision to reschedule, because I was having a sub on Thursday and had absolutely no time to prepare.  It was a good thing I did reschedule, because with Butter's accident I wouldn't have been able to go anyway.  I'm going, instead, this Thursday.

The bad news is I haven't been near as diligent as I should have been.  The good news is I haven't had much time to eat, so rather than spending all that time overeating.. I've ended up under my calorie goal most days.  There has been quite a bit of fast food, though.  

Being that I've been so sleep deprived and frazzled this week, I've ran out the door a couple of times leaving my breakfast behind.  I've packed light for lunch, and then dinner has been either skipped or we've grabbed food while out.  The grabbed food hasn't been great, but there hasn't been tons of it either.  I haven't opted for burgers and super sized fries every time.  Monday night, we ate at Golden Corral.  I had a plate of food and was full.  On Tuesday, we grabbed half priced burgers at Sonic.  I ate a burger.  On Wednesday, I had fish that Hubby had prepared...a couple of small pieces while running out the door during the dropping off the girls at home and turning back around to get Butter to the hospital.  On Thursday, it was Sonic again.  But this time I went with chicken.  No sides.  Friday, we ate at McDonalds.  So...there has been WAY too much fast food.

Yesterday, I didn't eat anything before eating dinner last night.  We had pot roast, and I ate a small piece of meat and some potatoes.  Eating that made me feel full..a little too full.  

And I took my pill maybe twice all week long.  Again, not good at ALL.

So, this week has basically been a wash.  There just hasn't been anything good come out of it in terms of my dedication to my weight loss.  Thankfully, the crazy is now going to be put behind me after tomorrow.  One last volleyball game of the season, and then it's smooth sailing for a while.  Butter will still be going to football practice, but he won't be able to play.  He has his last game next Tuesday, which just so happens to be the same night as my parent teacher conferences, so I won't get to go.

Being that I have my doctor's appointment on Thursday, I really want to buckle down these next few days and do EVERYTHING that I'm supposed to do.  Eat all three meals, and sensible meals.  Take my pill each day.  Drink gallons of water.  And maybe, just maybe, I can get rid of some of the bloat that's plaguing me.

My usual midweek check on the scale this morning revealed that this week hasn't been as bad to me as I thought it would.  But, then again, I've come to learn that the midweek check in can be misleading.  I end up with a pretty good number on Sunday, but by the time Wednesday rolls around it's not near as good as I thought it would be.  I just need to make sure that I stay on track between now and then.  There's no reason I should gain any weight if I do what I'm supposed to do.

I'm not giving up, though.  Yeah, these past couple of weeks have been rough.  Emotionally and physically draining.  But, I'm not ready to throw in the towel.  I'm not ready to call it quits.  I just look at these weeks as being obstacles I wasn't able to overcome.  Tests, if you will, that I failed.  I may have lost these battles, but the war is still very much in my favor.  I'll still come out victorious.  I haven't lost my momentum or dedication, I just truly haven't had any time to think about either.  Everything else has come first, and as a mother...that's going to happen. 

I wish I could sit here and say that I need to start putting myself first, but the truth is..that will never happen.  My kids will always be my first priority.  And I've heard the argument that I need to put myself first so that I can be here for my kids longer.  But, I won't sacrifice their happiness for my own.  It just means I need to work harder at figuring out how to juggle everything at once.  

I'm just kinda relieved at this point that we didn't decide to put Jelly in to dance classes.  Can you imagine how much more would be piled on my plate had we decided to do that?  Thankfully that wasn't something she wanted to do, and something I wanted her to do.  I think I'll just wait a while until she develops some interests on her own, and then support them when that happens.

One thing I can brag about today is the fact that I ordered a shirt at work in XL instead of 2XL - which is what I'd always ordered before.  The XL fit very well, and doesn't cling to me like they used to.  That shows that I've lost some inches around my waist, and that's something to be happy about.

It's those little moments that help me hang on, stay the course.  Yeah, I'll slip and fall sometimes.. but as long as I get right back up I'll be OK. I'll figure this whole mess out.  I'll eventually get there.  

OK, time for me to go and get some work done.  

Till next time!

Getting Back on Track

Another week of very few posts from me.  I promise you it's because of the crazy life I'm currently living and NOT because I'm falling off track, and don't want anyone to know about it.

In fact, the last post I wrote - my weigh in post - did kinda say that I was struggling just a little.  So, it wouldn't surprise me that some of you are thinking that I'm swaying off course, and letting myself go.

Just so you know, that's not the case.  In fact, this week has been MUCH better.  Still crazy beyond crazy, but I'm adjusting and monitoring.  I'm surviving and doing what I need to do.

I stood on the scale this morning, just to get an idea of whether or not some of the changes I've made this week have helped.  Let's just say that things are moving, once again, in the right direction.  I'm not going to share specifics, because that's all for Wednesday.  But, it felt good knowing that I'm making some positive changes that are affecting the damage I did last week.

This past week, I have had so much going on that I didn't know if I was coming or going most of the time.  It was homecoming spirit week at work, and I was up and at 'em early each day just so I could get all dressed up for whatever the day's theme was.  Wednesday was the only night I made it home before 9PM.  It was tough to plan and prepare and stay on course during all of it, but I did pretty well...and didn't decide to just throw in the towel.  Even though I felt like it several times.

The way I look at it is if I can make it through these crazy weeks, it should be smooth sailing once my life starts to even out a little more.  Nothing like jumping in head first to the shark tank just to see if I can still swim out alive.  I only have two more weeks left of football and volleyball, and then I can start coming home at a reasonable time once again.  And I won't have games to attend, practices, and all the rest of it.  Life will slow down, and I'll be able to adjust and monitor my progress a lot easier.

My only hope is, that once life does start settling down a little..I can finally make time for some much needed exercise.  The hope is, I'll be so used to go, go, going all of the time, that my body will crave more movement when it's not getting as much.  One can hope, right?

Here lately, even my weekends have become nothing more than blurs of time that go whizzing by.  I've got so much going on that my house has become almost like an acquaintance to me.  Someone I see every now and then.  The short amounts of time I'm here, I'm sleeping.  The house is in desperate need of some attention, and I haven't been around to give it.  

Yesterday I was gone all day, today I'm going to be gone for quite a while.  I just don't even feel like I can sit at home and relax anymore.  There's always something on the calendar, somewhere to go, something to do.  

But, one thing I can say is that even though my eating hasn't been perfect..not even close, really, I'm keeping my head above water.  I had a slight setback this week when I saw my first weight gain in 8 weeks, but I don't think that is something that will happen again this week.  Amid everything that's going on, I am able to take a step back and keep my weight loss a priority.  

I am learning a very valuable lesson in all of this:  Weight loss isn't something that can be planned and prepared for all of the time.  Life gets in the way.  But, if I'm able to keep the progress going with everything that life is throwing at me - I can do this for the rest of my life.  I know it.

I may not be writing all my food down, planning all my meals out ahead of time, running a few miles every other day... but I'm staying conscious of what I'm eating, how much I'm eating, and how much my body is moving, even though it's not planned exercise.

As long as I continue to see the scale moving in the right direction, I know that I must be doing something right.  I forgot that last week, but didn't this week.  I remained focused, I let the number on the scale this week plague me every time I even had a fleeting thought of eating more than I should.  I stayed strong, even though I was exhausted and stressed and emotionally drained.  

I may not be living by the custom set of rules that apply to those trying to lose weight, but it's working for me right now.  I don't have time to do half the stuff I want to do, or plan to do, or need to do.  But, I always have the time to stop and take a second before putting something in my mouth and asking myself if it's worth it.  

I'm continuing on this journey.  It may be a bumpy ride, but I'm holding on...I will not let go.  I will ride these crazy waves out until the storm passes.  Just two more weeks of crazy, and then life can go back to being more calm.  Giving me a chance to reassess, look at any changes that need to be made, and carving away some time to focus on my fitness needs.

This week I make another trek back to my doctor for a progress check.  I'm already accepting the fact that I won't be anywhere near the goal I set for myself, but I will also walk in there knowing there has been several pounds lost.  I will walk in knowing that with everything that has gone on this past month, I'm still losing weight.  I'm still succeeding, even if it's not at the level I had planned.  Success is success.  And that's something I'm going to keep reminding myself.

OK, I have a thousand and one things to do today... and sitting here all morning isn't really one of them.

Till next time!

Days Since Weigh-In Recap

I'm really going to have to get better in figuring out a way that I can write here more often than Wednesdays and the weekend.  

It seems like, lately, the only times I post is when it's weigh-in day, or when time isn't really that important...and I have plenty of it.  Which, of course, is only the weekends.

I get up at 4:30 each and every work day just so I can try and fit in two blog posts.  One here and one on my other blog.  But, it seems like that Wednesdays are the only days I manage to get that accomplished.  I end up spending WAY too long writing my other blog, and coming here doesn't happen.

I promise I will try and get better.

But, honestly, I don't really have that much to write about.  Definitely not enough to write each and every day.  With success comes a lack of content.  I was able to write here so often, back a few months ago, because I was struggling so much.  And struggling is something to write about.  Each time I binged, or ate way too much, or struggled with coming up with a solid plan of action... my fingers could hash it all out right here on the page.

Now, my blog posts would basically consist of "another day of good eating and doing what I'm supposed to".  And that's great... but a little boring to write about all of the time.

This week hasn't been all perfect, but even the minor slip ups haven't done enough damage for me to consider "blog worthy".  I ate a school lunch on Thursday, and I loaded up my tray a little too much.  But, then I couldn't eat it all...not by a long shot, so even though I started out with the intention of overeating... my body wouldn't allow that, and I actually listened to it.

On Thursday morning, a student brought me a king sized Snickers.  I had joked around with her the day before, and she'd asked me what I'd like for her to buy me when she went to the store.  A king sized Snickers is what I had said...without thinking that she'd actually buy it.  

I am very happy to report that for two days, the Snickers sat on my desk.  All day Thursday, and all day yesterday.  I packed it in my bag when I came home yesterday, and it's still in there at this moment.

And I'm going to be completely honest and say that I have EVERY intention of eating it.  At some point.  Because I'm a firm believer that a little chocolate now and then won't kill me.  I definitely won't eat the whole thing at one time... but when I feel like a candy bar, I'll eat half of it.  

I just can't believe that it's survived this long.  Snickers are my all time favorite candy bar.  A few months ago, it was hard for me to walk past them at the grocery store.  More often than not, I walked out with one...and ate the whole thing on the drive home.  The king sized variety.  

The last time I've let any chocolate pass through my lips was at the pot luck lunch last month at work.  And to think that I can have my favorite chocolate bar stare me in the face for two days, and not get the slightest inclining to actually eat it is OUTSTANDING!  

I didn't feel tormented or tempted.  I didn't stare at it longly having to talk myself down from the temptation.  It just sat there, and I basically didn't pay it any attention.  I had even told myself that when I wanted it, I'd eat it.  But, the want never came.  So, I didn't eat it.

Being that it's Saturday, and I usually spend Saturday evenings on the couch watching a movie, there's a very good chance that tonight will be the night that the urge comes.  And I'm OK with that.  I've accepted it.  Again, I will only eat half..and store the other half away for another time the urge hits.  

I've really been working on training my mind to not look at food as a form of treat.  Or a guilty pleasure.  My mind is finally starting to come to terms with the fact that food is just food.  If I'm craving a certain type of food, I'll eat it.  And, I've discovered that the more good stuff I put in to my body, the more good stuff it craves.  

Two days last week, a student brought me an apple to class.  How old fashioned, right? Bringing the teacher an apple.  HA!  But, on both days, that apple didn't stand a chance.  When I saw it, I wanted to eat it.  And I did... both times.  

If those are the types of "temptations" that are going to be invading my brain..then that's A-OK with me.  The apples just happen to be perfect compliments - or a sweet ending - to my lunch.  And eating the apples sent off the same kind of euphoric feelings I used to feel when eating chocolate.  The apples were sweet, delicious, and I enjoyed every bite.  

Last night was the first time I actually ate "bad" food.  I had to drive the kids to Oklahoma after getting home at 6:30PM.  Hubby had already decided that it would be a good night to just grab something on the way home.  Jelly was given the power to choose our eating place...and she chose Hardee's.  I ate a burger and onion rings.  OK, I ate a Frisco bacon cheeseburger and onion rings.  Those bad boys pack 880 calories.  The onion rings pack a punch of 410 calories for the small order (which I had).  So, my dinner was 1290 calories.  My breakfast yesterday morning was 130 calories.  My lunch was 300 calories.  So my intake for yesterday was 1720 calories.  That's 500 calories over my allotment.  

And, once again, I suffered for putting the junk in to my body.  Bloated feeling, minor cramps, discomfort.  I am my own worst enemy.  I know how that junk will make me feel, I don't even feel like eating it anymore... but like I said, I'm working on trying to convince my brain that food isn't a treat.  It's just not always a successful process.  Standing in front of the menu last night, I could have gone with something a little healthier...but those dang "treat" waves took over.

I'm making strong progress, but I'm still having issues.  I guess it can't be perfect all of the time.  

The best thing is, I'm getting much better at looking at the "big picture".  I truly feel like I'm adjusting at looking at my journey as a life long process.  Focusing on eating healthy most of the time, but understanding that there may be occasions I steer off course and eat stuff I shouldn't.  I no longer dwell or beat myself up over it...because my mind has started understanding the changes it's making.

My previous attempts at losing weight have always ended because I got to a place where I started steering off track, and not caring.  But, the difference now is the fact that I'm not caring about a slight hiccup every once in a while.  Before, not caring translated in to me getting tired of what I was doing and just giving up.

In other words, I'm OK if I eat something I shouldn't every once in a while...because as soon as I've finished I tell myself that it's the only bad eating I'll be doing for a while, and the next thing I put in to my mouth will be healthy.  Before, a bad eating situation resulted in me telling myself that I was OK with eating like crap...or more that I had accepted that I would eat like crap...and just throwing in the towel.

I'm not the same person anymore.

My body is appreciating the new found energy that comes from eating healthy.  It despises the feelings of uncomfortableness that comes from eating crap.  OK, not enough for me to never touch another piece of crap food again, but enough to tell me that crap can't be a constant fixture.  

I'm starting to rekindle the old feelings of fitting in to clothes better, feeling better about the way I'm starting to notice the changes it's making.  

And, honestly,for the first time ever...I don't look at what I'm doing as a diet or a weight loss plan or a set of rules that have to be followed.  

Even back a few years ago when I lost so much weight, my mind set was that of rules, discipline, and plans.  The slightest falter on any of them resulted in gains and feelings of failure.  

I can honestly say that it feels different this time around.  I haven't logged my food in a couple of weeks.  I'm focusing more on the types of foods I'm eating and portion sizes.  No food is off limits, but the healthier options are starting to become second nature.  It's been long enough, now, that the habits are starting to take hold..and I don't really have to assess and count and measure.  It's starting to just be natural to do what I'm doing.

And the proof is in the pudding.  I've logged losses each and every week since I made the commitment almost two months ago.  The weight is coming off.  More quickly on some weeks than others, but it's still coming off each and every week.

I'm obviously doing something right, and being that there's not near as much mental discipline involved anymore - it tells me that it's something I can keep going with.  Forever.

The weight really is going to come off this time...and stay off.  I feel it in every ounce of my being.  I'm making drastic transformations, and I'm loving each and every one of them.

I feel free.  Yet, at the same time I feel focused.  

I no longer look at my situation as a battle that has to be won, but more as a dedication to a life-long way of living.  It's not something I'm going to do just to lose weight, but something I'm going to do for the rest of my life that results in losing weight...until the weight is gone, and I'm just maintaining.

I know that some people will read this today and think it's pretty pathetic that I'm "allowing" myself to eat junk food every now and then.  They will probably think that if I'm truly committed, that I won't ever touch the stuff again...and that I'm just making up excuses when I do slip and fall.

But that's not the case at all.  Yes, there are some people who have gone YEARS without letting a single morsel of junk food pass through their lips.  And good for them!  But, what I've achieved in the last couple of months is a big deal to me...and I feel like what I'm doing and how I'm doing it is working.

And really, I couldn't be any happier than I am.  It's all starting to hit home, come in to focus, adjust my perspective.

It's no longer about winning or losing, it's about committing to a lifestyle change.  

And the outlook for the rest of my life is a healthy one!

Till next time!

Don't Let This Big Butt Fool Ya

                          

Before I get to the meat of this post, I want to first say that I don't think there's a single person on this earth that isn't guilty of judgement.  Judging others.  Casting judgement.  It's almost as if our brains our hardwired to do so.  And even though there are many people, myself included, who claim to not judge others...it happens.

My brain has done it.  I, for the most part, let my brain make said judgement and then take a second to think.  I can stand in front of someone and judge them, but one thing I know for sure is that I don't know their story...where they've come from, what they've been through.  It's just a first glance that sends the thoughts to my brain.

Seeing that woman in the grocery store wearing the "shorty shorts" and thinking that she really shouldn't be wearing those out in public...she has self esteem issues and is screaming for attention.

The mother pushing a baby around that is in tattered and stained clothing, has a dirty face, and hair that is matted, while she wears clean clothes, has clean hair, and looks well maintained and groomed...she neglects her child.

The guy standing on the street corner with a sign begging for food or money...he needs to devote his time to finding a job.

The pregnant teenager... she should have been kept on a shorter leash, and taught better values by her parents.

The parents that never show up to parent/teacher conferences, family nights, or sporting events... they don't give a rat's behind about their child's school life.

And my list could go on and on and on.

Each one of those judgements I've cast myself.  And there have been more.  I use these examples today, because I've been fortunate to find out the error of my judgement...the true story of what's misconstrued in to my judgement.

That girl in the shorty shorts?  She grew up as an obese child.  She hated herself, hated who she was and what she looked like.  In college, she finally found hope in a fitness group, lost over 100lbs, and wears those shorts with pride...because it goes against the person she grew up as.  Her shorty shorts are now a badge of honor...she finally has the fit body to do so.  And she doesn't care what other people think about her when she's in them.

That mother pushing around the dirty child?  They had spent the day at the park.  Her child had played in the creek and the mud.  They had eaten ice-cream that dripped all over the place...getting in to the child's hair and on his clothes.  They hadn't made it home for bath time, and were finishing out the day picking up treats for a movie night at home.

The guy standing on the street corner?  He'd been laid off of his job three months ago.  He had three children he was trying to support...and a wife that had an illness preventing her from working.  He had spent three months in employment agencies and trying to find a job.  On the weekends, he started out his day trying to gather enough money to provide a meal for his family...before hitting the streets once again on the hunt for employment.

The pregnant teenager?  Raped.  By a person close to the family.  Instead of having an abortion, she had found parents that would take care of her baby after birth.  Instead of ending the life of the child growing inside of her, and putting an end to her suffering...she decided to make a bad situation a blessing for people that had been trying to conceive for a decade.

The parents that never show up for anything?  Only one parent living in the household, the other deceased.  Mom was working two jobs to support her family, and taking time off from work to attend school events just wasn't an option.  Because of the income generated from both jobs, she didn't qualify for any form of assistance..but both jobs barely brought in enough to support her family.  Taking time off could mean not being able to afford a rent payment, or electric bill, or food on the plates of her children.

Sad, but very true.  

And while my examples are extreme, they are the types of judgements that each and every one of us make at some point in our lives...and I was unfortunate enough to be at the receiving end of the judgement yesterday.  Not near the level of the examples I provided, but not any less damaging to my mind...how it made me feel.

I decided to go out on my walk yesterday.  And I had already decided that I was going to try jogging again.  Throw in some intervals of jogging and walking, just to see how far I could go.  

I walked up to the park, which is a mile away from my house.  When I got there, I started my intervals... 30 seconds of jogging, one minute of walking.  And I did it!  I was able to go the first 30 seconds with no problem.  I was so happy and proud of myself.  I walked my one minute, and did another interval of 30 seconds jogging.  Again, no trouble.  Another minute came to an end, and another 30 second jog started.

By this time, I had reached the playground area of the park, and there were some teenagers hanging out.  As I approached, I noticed one of the teens pointing at me, and the others in the group laughing.  I held my ground, kept on jogging, and tried to ignore it.  Then, the pointer decided to yell out "Earthquake!" as I ran by.  I pulled one of my headphones out of my ear, and had planned on saying something.. but then another teen in the group yelled "Stop running, Fatty, you're making the whole ground shake!"

Tears instantly sprang to my eyes.  My first reaction was to march right over there and give them a piece of my mind.  But I didn't.  I couldn't.  My tears told me that they'd take it as weakness, and I didn't want to give them the satisfaction.  I just put my headphones back in my ears, and even though it was time for my walk interval.. I took off running.  To get away from them.  I had to wipe tears from my cheek when I stopped running.  And then I got angry.  Really angry.  

How dare those little punks say something like that about me.  They didn't know me.  They didn't know what I'd been through.  They probably couldn't fathom the ecstatic feeling I had felt only minutes before when I was able to get through two intervals of jogging for 30 seconds, and how much it meant to me.

They just cast their judgement.  Without knowing MY story.

Would it have made any difference if I had stopped?  Would they have regretted their taunts if I had told them that almost 3 years ago I weighed 300lbs and could barely walk for 15 minutes, and that I  had managed to lose enough weight to run 3 miles?  Would they have apologized if I had told them that in the past month I've dropped 14lbs, after gaining a lot of the weight back and was starting the process over to be able to run again?  Would they have understood the impact of their words if I had shared with them that I may be fat, but I'm working my behind off to change that..to be healthier for my kids, and alive to see them grow up?

Probably not.

Which is why I didn't bother.  

But, I let those little twerps get inside my head.  I let what they said bother me.  And it affected the rest of my time out.  I passed them one more time and again saw their laughter and the movement of their mouths as they were probably calling out more jeers.  I made the decision after that to just head on home.  

On the walk back home, instead of dwelling on what had just happened, I let this blog post surface in my head.  

Who am I to give them a piece of my mind when I'm guilty for casting judgement myself?  

It's not the first time I've been judged or made fun of...probably won't be the last.  But, what I can take away from it is the pleasure of knowing that at least when judgmental thoughts pass in to my head, I can take a step back and remind myself that I don't know that person's story.  I don't know what they've been though.  And that I possess no room to pass ANY judgement, because my life is quite worthy of it's own false judgement.

By the time I made it back to my driveway, I had let all the anger and frustration go.  I replaced it, once again, with joy and pride that I had done what I set out to do.  OK, had the teens not been there, I probably would have done more.. but those few intervals were enough to tell me that I am ready to get back in to the running game again.  Maybe even sooner than I thought.  

And, those tears that had immediately sprang to my eyes had filled me with fire.  Anger.  Rage.  But, rather than unleashing any of it on to some kids that have no idea of my story or my life, I decided to push it all down and refocus it.  Use it for good.  I am now more motivated than ever to get down to my goal weight, to get my running back, and be the fit person I've always dreamed of being.

My only hope is that one day, when I've done what I intend to do, I see those teens again.  Their faces will probably be scarred in to my brain from here on out.  I will use them to push me every minute I doubt myself, want to give up, or convince myself that I'm too tired to do what I planned on doing.  So, that if we shall ever meet again... I can finally give them a taste of what their words did to me.

I will tell them who I am and where I came from.  I will tell them the struggles I faced and the obstacles I overcame to get to where I am at that moment.  I will tell them that one day, they will face that kind of judgement themselves...and will hopefully remember my story.

Will it make any difference?  Who knows.  But it will to me.  

I am who I am because of the paths I chose to get me here.  The paths I have still yet to take are of my own choosing.  

My life has been no bed of roses.  I've had to pick up the pieces many times over and start over...wipe the slate clean...make the decision to turn them around.

There have been paths that have led me right back to the beginning.  Wrong turns here and there.  But, I keep on down the paths looking for the right one.  The one that leads to my goals.  And I will never stop until I get there.

"Judge not, lest ye be judged"

And yesterday I got a taste of that medicine.  And something for me to take with me on this journey.  

 Judge away, if you want, but until you've walked in my shoes you will never know my story...or where I came from...and you have no idea where I'm going.  

I am a fighter.  A winner.  A struggler.  A loser.

All make me who I am, all motivate the person I want to become.  And no words or actions of others will take that away from me.  I am the commander of my vessel, and I'm taking this ship on a journey of success!

Till next time!

Oh, What a Beautiful Morning!

I could not believe it, this morning, when I walked out on to my patio....and got a rush of coldness that hit me in the face.

What is this?

The sun is up, and I'm not being attacked with heat when walking out the door.  Is that actually a chill to the air that's hitting my nose?  Why, yes...yes it is!!

The temperature at the moment is 54 degrees...and it's 8:30AM.  The temperature hasn't been 54 degrees at 4:30 this past week when I've been getting up.  It's been so hot and muggy, in fact, that I've been settling for having my coffee in the pool room... because even though it's a part of the patio, it has screens and a ceiling fan.

This morning, I am right on the patio.  Basking in the cold air that's blowing across my bare legs and arms (I'm in shorts and a t-shirt).  

And the first thing I thought when coming out here?  It's a day for a walk.  A long walk.  Possibly a walk that involves some running.  I can't just sit around when there's such beautiful weather going on.  I don't even care that my nose is running like a faucet from my allergies.  Allergies are somewhat more tolerable when there's a chill in the air.

Due to my very busy schedule this past week, and feeling like I didn't have a single minute to just breath before I was dashing off doing something... I need a day where I can let out all of my stress, and get my focus back.  Walking is my outlet for that.  It calms me.  Clears my head.  Recharges my batteries and gets me prepared for doing it all over again the following week.

Blogging does that, too...but there's still nothing better than pounding some pavement with music in my ears.  It's almost like I get morphed in to my own little world.  A world with no worries, no stress, no demands.  I'm free to be me.  And even though my trip there only lasts a couple of hours...it's long enough to eliminate everything I took in there with me....and to leave it all behind.

I remember back to a couple of years ago when I first started running.  I weighed about as much as I do now.  I remember thinking that there was no way my behind could run.  It had only been a few months since I was able to walk longer than 15 minutes at a time...and I was up to walking about 45 minutes.  One day, I just decided to give it ago.  OK, so I only ran for a few moments...but the exhilaration it gave me was indescribable.

I may have packed on the pounds, again, but I didn't lose all of my stamina.  I can walk for miles at a time now...and it feels good.  But I also know that being that I'm able to walk for 4 miles and barely feel anything... I could be running.  I have it in me.  

OK, so I know I'm not going to be able to run 3 miles like I could the last time I ran.  But, I could probably run for a few minutes...maybe interval run for a couple of miles.  Enough to work up a decent sweat and get my heart racing.  And, possibly kick in that runners high that I haven't felt in so long. 

Yesterday, I put on the one and only pair of jeans that I own.  The last time I put them on was the last week of school, in May.  I had to lay down on my bed and wiggle and jiggle until I could get them buttoned.  When I stood up, I felt like I was being cut in half across my waist.  All day long, I couldn't really sit down because the tightness of the jeans just cut in to my stomach causing major discomfort.

And yesterday, they went straight on.  No fighting.  No wiggling.  Just up and zipped...and I could even put a couple fingers in the belt line.  Comfy!  Not too tight.  Not uncomfortable.  And it felt amazing.

I've finally reached that point where I can feel the changes my body is making.  Those changes make me crave more.  Those changes ignite a fire inside of me that tells me it's time to take it to the next level.  To start dusting off that person who made it through two bootcamps, four 5Ks, and weekly 3 mile runs.  

It's time.

Walking is great exercise, and I enjoy walking.  But, I'm ready for a challenge.  I'm ready to beat my stress away rather than just soothe my stress away.  To feel like I've stood toe to toe to with my stress and kicked it's behind.  

That comes from running.  

It sounds funny, but I actually want to feel like I'm struggling, feel like I can't do it, feel beaten and broken because i'm only able to run for a few seconds....just to emerge as a Warrior Princess and make myself do more.

I'm a born fighter.  If there's no fight...I'm not winning anything.  And I want to be a winner.

So, now it is time to go.  To dust off those feelings that have been itching to be set free.

Today, I start my quest...once again...to be a runner.

Till next time!

Buffet FAIL!

I have been coming on here for the past several weeks sharing my outstanding success at finally buckling down and losing weight.

So, it's only fair that I come on here and share my first (in several weeks) bad experience.

A couple of weeks ago, I received my kids' sports schedules.  I, being the organized person I am, made sure to write all of the games and their locations in to my calendar.  I took care of any conflicts, setting up coverage for picking up kids when I was traveling for an away game, making sure I had a plan of action for the few nights that both kids are playing, and set up a pick-up person for Butter on the one night he won't get back from a game until close to midnight.

I was set and ready to get the season started.

I, also, noticed that one of Peanut's away games was happening in the town where one of our favorite Chinese restaurants is located.  So, we made the decision at that point that on game night, we'd eat dinner there.

Last night was that night.

In hindsight, probably not the smartest plan to come up with.  But, honestly, I thought I'd be able to handle it.  I thought I'd be mentally prepared to stand face to face with one of my biggest enemies and do battle, coming out victorious.  I thought that, despite the bounty of food that lay before me, I'd be able to choose somewhat wisely and not go nutso.

And I was wrong.

The sad part is, though, I prepared.  I made sure to take my pill just a little later than usual, so that the effects would hopefully help me with my battle.  I ate a pretty good sized lunch, so that I wouldn't go to the restaurant starving.  

None of my preparation mattered.

When I walked in to the restaurant, got one whiff of the food, I was gone.  Lost.  Destroyed of all hope of being "mindful" or keeping my success as a tool for motivation.  All that went through my mind was that I hadn't eaten anything like this in a long time, and it was about darned time.

So sad.

I ended up eating a plate of various meats and noodles...and then went back for more.  Had I just stuck with my first plate, I'd be fine.  It wouldn't have been the greatest food choices, but not devastating.  The second plate was MUCH smaller than the first... but it was fried junk.  Fried mushrooms, chicken on a stick, and a fried biscuit.  I ate WAY less than what I would normally eat at this particular restaurant, but even that was double what I should have eaten.

EPIC FAIL!

And my body made sure to punish me for the bad behavior.

I left the restaurant completely bloated and MISERABLE.  My stomach complained and cramped all the way home..and well after I got home.  It reminded me that moments of weakness are not going to go unpunished.  I will regret it.  And to remember these miserable feelings the next time I get the urge to just "take the night off".

There is NO taking any time off.  If I'm going to commit and do this...I have to commit each and every night.  There's no food rewards for going so long without junk.  There's no room for small splurges.  I can't let that mentality in, or it will take over and ruin everything I've worked so hard to do.

I stood on the scale this morning just to see the damage... up 3lbs.  

Of course I know that's not accurate.  OK, I ate too much last night... but not 3lbs worth.  But, with the junk, and the salt, and the oils...my body is bloated and not happy.  

Seeing that number back in the 250s quickly sent a jolt through my system.  I can't let that happen!! I can't go back...ever!!

I'm taking this as a setback.  My first setback, and hopefully my last.  There's just no room for minor errors here and there.  I keep getting told that I can't live like this forever, and that the occasional "treat" won't hurt me.  Urm..yes..yes it can!

It also told me that my pill is NOT a crutch.  It's not going to swoop in when I need it and turn me away from the foods I'm so desperately trying to eliminate from my mind.  I have to be strong enough ON MY OWN to resist.

I CAN live this way forever.  I can keep doing what I'm doing.  I know I can still eat in restaurants, and even off of buffets.. but I also know that if I do, I need to make darned sure I'm eating the stuff that won't jeopardize me.  There are plenty of foods offered in those places that are somewhat better for me than others.  I just have to know what to pick, watch my portion sizes, and just be smart.

I wasn't last night.

Lesson learned.

And now it's time to wipe the slate clean and pick myself right back up.  Starting over.  Putting it behind me and moving on.

It was a harsh kick to my rear about how far I may think that I've come, but how far I so need to go.  I'm not strong enough, yet, to handle these situations.  I just have to remember that.  I'm not cured - heck I won't ever be "cured".  

Over time, I'll understand what I can and can't eat...and will be able to handle temptations better... but I'm not there yet.

OK, time to go..

Till next time!!

Do You Notice Any Differences?

                                     

                                   

                                   

                                   

That top photo is a picture of me I took right in the beginning of the summer break.  Probably around the first week of June.  It was right before I had my hair cut.  

The second photo I just took a few minutes ago.  Excuse the bad hair...I'm still in my pajamas and haven't showered yet.  

My hair in either picture isn't the point for posting them, though.  

This week, I'm down almost 14lbs.  Since that first photo was taken.  Back then, I weighed around 265lbs.  Not sure if that was a week I weighed a little less than that, but for this experiment...let's just say I weighed around 265lbs.

The bottom picture, I weigh 251.4lbs.  Maybe.  The last time I weighed (on Wednesday), that's what the scale told me.  It's also what the scale said at the doctor's office on Friday afternoon.  

I have made a plan that once I've lost 20lbs, I'll do a comparison photo to the first photo I took at the beginning of the summer of my entire upper body.  But, I didn't say anything about doing a face comparison photo before that.

Most people lose weight in their faces first.  Their faces become slimmer, less round.  Even with a couple pounds lost, most people can make the assumption that weight has been lost based on the changes of the loser's face.  

What do you guys think?

I see a few minor differences.  I think my cheeks in the top picture are a lot more round.  

I remember when I took that first photo, and I made sure to take the camera up a bit and shoot down... so to not make my face look so fat.  The bottom picture, I took the photo from straight in front of me.  

Looking at the photos, it's not my face that screams out to me... weirdly enough, it's my neck.

Look at my neck in that first picture.  Or should I say the lack of it.  There's no definition at all between where my head ends and my shoulders begin.  But, then take a look at that second picture.  I see some shape.  Some definition.  You can definitely tell that my neck is there, and it's not as wide as my face.

Who ever heard of losing weight in your neck?  HA!

So, why am I doing face comparison shots today?  Simple.  Because I need some visual that what I'm doing is making progress.  A little self motivation that there are changes happening...even if not everyone around me is noticing them.  I need to notice them, see them, feel them.

A 14lbs loss to someone that weighs 170lbs would probably be a lot more noticeable than it will be for someone that weighs 265lbs.  Yet, I still feel like 14lbs is quite a bit...and I should be seeing some kind of tiny changes taking place.  Right?

I've shared that I put on a pair of pants the other day that I couldn't wear a few months ago.  They are size 18 and I basically had to hang up all of my size 18 pants by the end of the school year last year...because I was past that point, and diving in to size 20-22.  

But, then, on Friday I tried to put on a pair of size 20 capris that I've had...and they were still pretty snug.  Too snug for me to wear.  I could button them, but they were too tight for comfort.  And that left me feeling pretty down on myself.  I don't remember the last time I put on those capris, because I don't really like them that much.  I couldn't tell you how they fit the last time I put them on... it's been a long time.  But, I know that at some point last school year, I did wear them.  Maybe it was at the beginning of the school year when I wasn't at my heaviest.  I don't know.  But, it didn't make me feel very good trying them on Friday.

I didn't share it with you all, because I was happy about my doctor's visit and the progress that I'm making that I didn't want one stupid pair of pants to make me feel all down and sad.  

Why is it I can fit in to a size 18 that didn't fit me a few months ago, but not in to a size 20?  Stupid!

And I have put on other pants that feel less snug, and I have noticed other changes when putting on certain items of clothing.  

One pair of pants that still didn't fit - even if they were from my "bigger" side of the closet - wasn't going to screw up my momentum and motivation.

That's what prompted my decision this morning... comparison photos.  And, I'm glad I did.  OK, so the photos aren't like night and day.  The changes don't jump out of the photo and scream "I'VE LOST MAJOR WEIGHT!"  But, there are a few minor changes.  Visible changes.

And that's all I needed to see.  

I only have 6 more pounds to lose before I get to stand in front of my mirror and take some body shots.  That's a little nerve wracking - but also exciting.  It's weird to think that I only have 6 more pounds to go before I've lost 20lbs.  CRAZY!  

All that time that I spent wishing and hoping for the weight to fall off, and in one month of just really buckling down on my eating and 14lbs...Gone.  Just like that.

It sounds like a huge amount of weight, but it's really not.  It's a good start.  It's a step in the right direction, but there's still plenty more that needs to go.  And I'm happy knowing that I'm working on it. I may not see drastic results to my waist line or even to my face so early on... but I know they'll come in time.

Until then, I suppose I can just keep doing what I'm doing.  Not giving up.  Staying strong.  And looking forward to feeling those changes.  Seeing those changes.  And enjoying those changes.

Till next time!

The Doctor's Results Are In!

Well, I went and had my one month doctor's check-up.

After the day I had had at work, I was very nervous about what the scale was going to show when I got there.  I was hot, a little dehydrated, and I just knew that the slight swelling I noticed around my ankles from standing all day were going to add some outrageous number to the number I was hoping for.

You see, I had spent all afternoon taking my students to an outdoor learning situation where staff from local state parks taught about the environment and nature.  The content is good stuff... but it's very hard to pay attention when it's 95 degrees, we're sitting in direct sunlight for over an hour, and there are bees and bugs constantly flying around.  I only had one bottle of water, that I drank after the excursion...and I had been on my feet the entire time we'd been there.  My class all sat on tarps at the various stations, but because of the giant grasshoppers and swarms of sweat bees that just wouldn't leave us alone, there was no way I was going to sit on the ground.

Anywho, by the time we got back to the school, I was tired, drenched in sweat, and my ankles and fingers were slightly swollen from the excessive heat and lack of water.  

Not the smartest idea, not taking more water, but I prepared to face my fate on the scale and plead my case to my doctor that the swelling was skewing my weigh-in results.

I got to my appointment about two minutes before the actual time of the appointment which was supposed to be 4:15.  But, then Jelly and I sat, and sat, and sat some more.  Jelly started getting really impatient after sitting for 30 minutes.  I started getting really impatient after sitting for 45 minutes. Finally, at 5:10, we got called back.  

The first stop was the scale.  I took off my shoes, handed my stuff to Jelly, and said a quick prayer before stepping up on the scale.  For a split second, I felt like a contestant on The Biggest Loser.  Like my fate rested on what the number was going to show me.  Was it enough to convince my doctor to let stay on the medicine or was I going to be sent home empty handed? 

The numbers rolled for a few seconds...and then....

251.4lbs

I actually let out a big "OH YEAH!"

That's the exact same number I had received on my weigh-in on Wednesday.  That told me straight away that there's a good chance I've lost some weight since then... because I'm pretty sure a weight at 5PM after the day I had was going to be a little off from my actual weight.

The nurse wrote the number down, but didn't say anything.  I was a little disappointed.  I figured this nurse would know that I was there to get a weight check, she was the nurse I saw at my first appointment, and surely my chart told her that's why I was there.  I expected a "good job" or something.

She showed Jelly and I in to a room and started typing on her little tablet.  It was then she looked up and said "You weighed 262.4lbs a month ago, you've lost 11lbs in a month... that's amazing!"

Finally, a little recognition for my hard work.  Yes.  Yes I did.  I did lose just about 11lbs in a month.

She then dropped a bombshell on me.  My doctor (or nurse practitioner, actually) that had prescribed me the medicine in the first place no longer worked in their office.  I'd be seeing a new nurse practitioner.  A male.  

I was a little upset by this.  I'd really liked the nurse practitioner I'd seen on my first visit.  She'd been through weight problems of her own.  She was encouraging and motivating and wanted to help me lose weight.  What if the new guy hated diet pills and refused to give me anymore?

The nurse took the rest of my vitals...blood pressure was great, so that was a relief.

The new guy finally came in.  A huge, burly man.  Dressed in blue jeans and a white shirt.  If it wasn't for the stethoscope wrapped around his neck, I would have assumed it was a patient that had stumbled in to the wrong room.  My nerves got pumped up again.  Here was a man that was very large, in weight terms, would he be willing to prescribe weight loss pills, or would he be one of those doctors that thought they were the devil?

He didn't really say much to me when he first came in, he barely glanced at me before sitting down.  He looked at my chart and then asked why I was there (still not looking up from the computer).  I told him that I had been prescribed the weight loss pill, and was there for my one month check up.  He then asked me if I'd actually lost any weight.  In a tone that almost sounded sarcastic... like he was expecting a thin me to be sitting there.  He had no idea what I looked like a month ago, so why he was talking to me like that I wasn't sure.  It's not like he'd even looked at me at all since walking in the room.

I then told him I'd lost 11lbs.  In a month.

He typed a few things on his computer, and then finally looked up at me.

Finally, a smile moved across his face.  I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.  I'd only been with this guy for two minutes, but I was already starting to feel like this would be a huge mistake. Like I couldn't stay seeing him.  He wouldn't be the kind, caring, supportive APN like I'd seen the month before.  

He looked me in the eyes, and said "That's very good!  Eleven pounds in a month, even with a pill, is a big success.  Apparently, the pill is working."  

Phew.  OK.  Maybe this wouldn't be so bad.

He then went on to ask how I was doing with eating and exercise.  I told him I'd been maintaining a 1200 calorie diet...and he scoffed.  He immediately told me that there'd be no way I could maintain that.  

I then scoffed myself and said quite proudly "Apparently I can, because I've gone an entire month eating that way and it's become somewhat of a habit.  I eat three meals a day, and every single day my calories are right around the 1200 mark.  I don't feel hungry or deprived, and I 100% believe that I can maintain eating that way for as long as I need to.  The problem will actually come when I have to up that calorie amount."

He sat there for a second quite stunned.  He looked at me carefully.  He let out a sigh and then.... APOLOGIZED.  For what, I'm not exactly sure.  Maybe for his stiff upper lip attitude, or his nonchalance for why I was there, or for doubting that I was able to follow through on my commitment.  But, after the apology, he softened...quite a bit.

He told me that he was very happy with the progress I've made, and that he hopes that when I see him again in a month I would have made the same type of progress.  He told me that he saw determination in my eyes, and that was something quite rare when it came to handing out diet pills.  He told me that way too often, people come in wanting weight loss pills and expecting them to be the fix-all and cure-all to their problems.  They continue to eat like crap, but then wonder why they're not seeing the results they wanted.  I, apparently, wasn't one of those people.  He told me that if I had, indeed, already starting putting the habits into place with my eating...then half of my troubles were already passed me.  That as long as I stayed as committed as I was in that moment, then I would definitely lose the weight.

Finally.  Just what I was wanting to hear.

He asked me how I was doing with exercise.  I laughed, and then looked to the ground.  I bit my lip and told him that was one area I was still struggling.  I told him that I had gone on a few 3-4 mile walks in the month, but that was about it.  But, that I was a teacher and on my feet most of the day.

He then laughed (a friendly laugh this time) and told me that our jobs weren't exercise.  If they were, neither him nor I would weigh what we weigh.  But rather than give me a lecture on how important it was for me to exercise, he simply told me that losing 11lbs with just changing my eating habits was a huge feat.  And that if that was the case, just imagine what I could do if I started making exercise a habit.  

I agreed.

If I could lose 11lbs in a month with hardly any exercise, I could definitely increase that number significantly if exercise became my focus for this next month.

He then smiled, tapped a few more keys in to his computer, and told me that my next month's prescription would be waiting for me at my pharmacist.  And to make an appointment in another month.

And that was it.  He said goodbye and walked out.

When I walked up to the counter to make my next appointment, I asked the receptionist if the wait would be so bad the next time.  She then informed me that the other receptionist had made a big boo-boo that day and had overbooked the APN several times, which had put him in quite a mood.  Well, that explained a lot.  She told me that next time, I shouldn't have to wait so long...and that he'd probably be in a better mood.

Driving back to the school to pick up the kids from their practices, I really started thinking about what had just happened.  It hadn't all gone as I'd planned, but I at least received the affirmations that I was hoping for.  I had made great progress.  I had exceeded the expectations set before me.  But, I knew that most people lose the most amount of weight the first few weeks of trying.  The second month was going to be a challenge, to pull off similar or better numbers than the first.

But, I decided to myself that I would stick the course, up the ante, and take myself back to the doctor a month later down at least another 11lbs...hopefully more.  I'm just getting started.  I have a very long way to go.  There's no reason that I should start losing momentum yet.  I even decided to set myself a mini goal.  

I weighed 262.2lbs on my first visit to the doctor.

I weighed 251.4lbs on the first month's check-up.

I want to see 239lbs or below on my next visit.  Meaning that I need to lose 12.4lbs before I go back on October 9th (my next appointment).  

I hate to set goals like that, but it also gives me something to focus on.  Commit to.  The appointment is in 4 1/2 weeks from now.  That means I need to lose at least 2 3/4 pounds each week between now and then.  

Knowing that I can walk in to my next appointment having lost 24lbs in two months would be freaking awesome.  And I believe it to be totally doable.

And I'm going to work my tail off to do it.  

Commit.  Focus.  Stay strong.

My new mantra for the next month.  

Right now, it's time for breakfast.  

Have a great weekend!!

Till next time!

A Weight Loss Bucket List

                    

This post is something I've been thinking about for a very long time.  A couple of years, to be exact.  I've started to write it several times, but end up deleting it...putting it on the back burner, for a better time, a more committed time.

Every time I get focused on losing weight, I start to think about all the things I'd like to accomplish that I feel my weight impacts.  There are lots of things I can't do because of my weight, there are a lot of things I chose not to do because of my weight.  There are a lot of feelings I want to experience during the process of losing weight... without the fear that I can only hold on to those feelings for a short while - until the weight comes back again.

Many people write out a list of goals they want to accomplish while losing weight.  I have only one goal when it comes to that part:  Stay the course!  That includes being diligent in my eating choices, putting in some exercise, staying away from anything that could derail my progress or motivation.  But, what about the goals that are to come once the weight is gone?

I always feel like, even in moments of success, this type of blog post could be a jinx.  A curse that would lead to falling back in to old habits and kissing goodbye any chance of every actually succeeding in doing everything I want.  

But, this time, I feel different.  I feel like the changes I'm making are coming from a different place.  Not just a whim of wanting to lose weight, but a real commitment to a lifestyle change, motivated by my health, and hitting rock bottom to finally bring myself to where I need to be.

So, today, I throw caution to the wind, and write the post that has been a couple years in the making... My Weight Loss Bucket List.  A list of all the things I want to do while losing weight and once the weight is gone (after I get to goal weight).  A list of accolades and triumphs, overcoming fears and obstacles, from the minor to the major.  I lay it all out right here....

1.  Run every step of a 5K at a pace that is considered "race worthy" - I've participated in several, but have never run every step.  I've completed one in which I jogged the entire way, but I want to actually RUN the whole thing and feel like I'm up there with everyone else that's competing.

2.  Spend a day going in to every clothing store at the mall and trying on at least one outfit, even if I have no desire to buy anything.

3.  Not having to preplan before a visit to a restaurant...knowing exactly what I'll order without weighing any consequences (meaning I'll order healthy without having to think about it).

4.  Take pictures of myself in a bathing suit, and being OK with it - this includes trying on new bathing suits, and while with family and friends in a bathing suit.

5.  Wear a pair of shorts where my hands touch skin when placed down to my side...yes, shorty-shorts.

6.  Wear heels for an entire day without having to kick them off in surrender from the pain.

7.  Get on roller-coasters and extreme rides at a fair or theme park.

8.  Zip line through the trees or over a river or something...high up, nothing but a cord holding me in place.

9.  Throw myself an Extreme Makeover reveal party...even if everyone in attendance has seen the transformation that has taken place before their eyes.  Chris Powell not included.

10.  Finally get married, and feel like a princess on my wedding day

11.  Enter a local singing contest

12.  Go on a day long trail ride with my brother, on horseback.  Something that's on his own bucket list.

13.  Transform my yard in to a yoga retreat, full with flowers, wind chimes, and other fancy "new-agy" stuff.

14.  Grow my own selection of fruits and veggies like cucumbers, tomatoes, peppers, melon, strawberries, etc.

15.  Borrow an item of clothing from Peanut (to her upmost horror)..whether it be a shirt or a pair of pants, just something I can fit in to.

16.  Have an extremely tasteful boudoir photo shoot..and be OK with sharing some of the images with friends and family.  I'm not talking about nude photos, I'm talking sexy, but PG13 friendly.  Oxymoron? We'll see.

17.  Spend the day (or weekend) at a spa retreat getting pampered to the fullest extent..mud bath, massage, mani-pedi, facial, yoga...the works!

18.  Join some form of community outreach group that mentors people about losing weight...or starting one if there isn't one local

19.  Join a competitive sporting team like softball, soccer, or volleyball.  As long as it doesn't take away from my children's sports.  I'll settle for meeting with some new found friends at the local park each weekend.

20.  Donate ALL of my old clothes to charity...again.  Every item that is plus-sized...it will all GO!

And there's a pretty good start.  Twenty things.  The twenty things I've dreamed of doing for a very long time.  I'm sure that more will pop in to my head along the way... but that's a great start to a great list of stuff that's accomplishable.  

Overtime, my hope is to revisit this list and start chiseling away.  

In May, my kids have a trip to a theme park with their school band.  I have already been signed up to chaperone.  Which means, I have less than a year to get to a weight that puts me comfortable with riding extreme rides.  I won't right now.  I'm terrified that my weight will prevent me from being securely buckled in to place.  Getting on a roller-coaster would make me face two fears at once:  My extreme fear of heights, and the fear of falling out.

I haven't gone on a roller-coaster since 2007.  And it was pure, extreme torture.  I kept my eyes closed the whole time while tears streamed from them, and it took several minutes to get me walking straight after I got off.  I wouldn't go back on another roller-coaster that day or any day after that.

My weight was the main reason for that.  The whole time, I felt like I hadn't been secured as tight as I should been...or could have been if I wasn't so heavy.

I know that I have the power within me to accomplish everything on that list.  And the only thing stopping me is my current weight.  I am convinced, that once I drop a large portion of the weight - the fears won't be as extreme.  Sure, I'll still be scared of heights, but I'd much rather face that fear being 100lbs smaller than I'd be willing to be if I wasn't.

So, I've finally bit the bullet and prepared the list I've spent so much time thinking about.  The list that I somehow believed would curse my efforts, send me straight down the path to failing.  Let's hope and pray that the opposite holds true.  It's now my motivator.  My list of rewards that await me in the land of healthy size.  

I can do it.  I know I can.  

Till next time!