Time To Face a Fear

                                        

That's a picture of me in my bathing suit.  Or, a picture of me that I cropped out most of the picture... and probably not enough... of me in my bathing suit.  

That was a few weeks ago.  And here's another picture of me in my bathing suit... right after having my hair cut.  So, about two weeks ago.

                                          

Wanna play a game of find the differences?

My hair is shorter.  I'm using a different colored towel.  I'm taking the picture from the right instead of the left.  I think my face looks thinner in the second photo, but that may just be my imagination.

None of that stuff is what I'm getting at, though.  The point is, these two pictures and the many others I've taken recently all have one thing in common.... not a single one of them will you find me showing off more than what you see right there of my bathing suit.  In fact, I've cropped many of them to cut out more than what's showing there... because the thought of people seeing me in my bathing suit scares me.

OK, so that fear doesn't really apply to my family.  But, even when my parent's come over... I jump in to this thing the minute I'm out of the pool...

                                            

That's from the 4th of July.  Anytime I got out of the pool, I grabbed for my cover-up because there was no way in Hades I was walking around in just a bathing suit.

Yes, me in a bathing suit... where people can actually see me is one of my fears.  Not fear like I have for spiders or heights, but enough to make my stomach all queasy and nervous sweats to start appearing.

And tomorrow?  I either have to face that fear, or spend my entire day sitting on the sidelines missing out on all the fun my family is going to have.

That's because tomorrow, for the first time in a couple of years, I'm going to a public water park.  Public.  Meaning lots of other people - complete strangers - there.  

The last time I ventured to a public pool was when I was down about 60lbs, and not feeling as self-conscious in my bathing suit.  OK, I still had plenty to lose... but I knew that wearing my size 16 bathing suit wasn't as bad as wearing the size 20 I wore the year before.  

Now, this year, I'm back in to a size 18 bathing suit... and I just don't know how I feel about getting out there for complete strangers to see me.

Do I wear the much more flattering 2-piece that I wear at home... that actually covers more rolls and gives off a better size perception than my one piece does?  Or do I just wear the one piece because I have less chance of something slipping out... like the spare tire I wear around my waist even though I think I look like a beached whale in it?

Just thinking about it has made my stomach go all queazy.  

And, I know what some of you are thinking... why not wear a t-shirt or something over the top?  Well, I totally would... but the park doesn't allow it.  Not if I want to get on any of the slides or do any of the fun stuff.  No loose clothing is allowed for that stuff.

The sad part is, I know that there will probably be other women there that are much larger than me.  They'll be sporting 2-pieces or one pieces like it's nothing.  They'll look and act like it's no big deal.. even though I have no idea what they actually are thinking.  But, they'll do it as if it's a normal as getting up in the morning.  

But, I also know there will be those women that are looking.  Judging.  Wondering what on earth a woman of my size is thinking wearing whatever it is I decide to wear.  I know this is where I should say that I shouldn't give a flying flip what those other women think... but I do.  It bothers me to the core.  I hate the feeling like I'm being judged or laughed at or mocked in some way.  

It's the ultimate center of my fear.

I know it happens, because I have been one of those people.  I see women sporting a bikini when they are much heavier than I am... and I automatically wonder how on earth they are comfortable doing that.  I see very large women wearing tight dresses or shorts with a lot hanging out... and I automatically wonder how they do it.  

Not deliberately.  

It takes me a few moments before I knock some sense in to myself and smack myself for doing the exact same thing I fear others are going to do to me.  But it still happens.

I judge.  Even though it goes against everything I believe in.  It happens.  Out of my control, until I can bring myself back to controlling my thoughts and applauding them for being so brave.. or much braver than I am.

What hurts more than anything is that I know I wouldn't have to feel this way if I hadn't of let myself go again.  If I had just stayed on track the last time... I'd be wearing my bathing suit with pride, because I knew how much hard work it took to get to the point where I was comfortable in it.  

But I didn't.

I let it all go again... and now, once again, I pay the price for it.

The truth is, I'll do it.  I'll go in to that park and walk around in my bathing suit... feeling the nervousness and stomach tightening every time I walk by a beautiful girl in her bathing suit.  I'll do it because it's not about me tomorrow... it's about my kids.  Giving them a good time, regardless of how Mommy is feeling about it.

Although I have to remind myself of the feelings I know I will have... each and every day that I get up and don't feel like going for that walk... or when I want to grab for a bag of chips to snack on.  I can't forget.. not anymore.

I remember, now, what it felt like to start to like the way I looked in a bathing suit.  Now that it's too late and the damage has already been done.  But that doesn't mean I can't get that feeling back... maybe by next year.  

It has to stay with me, though.  This time.  I can't let it go.  

I owe it to myself.  To be OK with wearing a bathing suit in public.  For not feeling awkward and judged anytime I step out of my comfort zone.  

And there's only one way for that to happen.

This is my own doing.  My own fault.  

Thank goodness, I'm at least working on fixing it again.  I have that to keep me going, at least.  

Which leads in to a perfect time for some exercise before it's time to get my day started...

Till next time!

Joanna

a/k/a Mad, Fat Woman

Joining Negatives With Positives

This morning, I was having a bit of writer's block.  I managed to knock out my other blog post... which is pretty easy because it's about my life in general.  Whatever I do, regardless of how boring or uninteresting, it can go there..cause that's the place for it.

But, when it comes to posting here, that state of mind just doesn't work.  I agreed from day one that this was going to be a weight loss/fitness related blog.  As well as feelings and moods associated with trying to lose weight and get more active.

So, after sitting here for a while staring at a blank screen, I did what I always do when I can't think of anything to write about... I started reading other blogs.

I have a very bad habit when it comes to reading other weight loss blogs.  I'm a lurker.  I seldom comment unless I feel like I have something worth while to say.  For me to just write "Great post!" or "Like this one!" just doesn't work for me.  It doesn't mean I don't like what I read, but if the topic is way off the spectrum of anything I'm dealing with or anything I can provide some input towards... I just read and run.

This morning, I came across one of those blogs that didn't only resonate well with me... but actually helped me come up with my topic.  That's another bad habit I have... stealing borrowing the ideas of other bloggers.  If I find something that really touches me, I run straight back to my blog with my big "A-HA!" moment and start writing about it.  I try very hard not to write about exactly what the other blogger wrote about, but on more than one occasion I've totally gotten my blogging ideas after reading a post about a similar subject.

Which is what happened today.

I was reading a post from one of my favorite bloggers:  Rage Your Way Thin.  If you haven't read it, you should... freakin' hilarious and inspiring.  Her post was all about finding ways to love yourself.  Regardless of the flaws or the imperfections... just finding little things that make us feel a little better about ourselves.

That got me thinking.  I spend a lot of time finding things I don't like about myself.

Hate my chicken wings... or more like ostrich wings.

Hate the way my thighs rub together and cause my shorts to rise.

Hate the way my stomach hangs down causing a nasty spare tire look in just about every pair of pants I wear.

Hate the way that I have to take a picture from above so to avoid seeing my double chin.

Hate the fact that none of my more flattering clothes fit anymore and I have to basically lube myself up if I want to wear my size 18 pants.

And the list goes on and on....

After a while, I start to feel like I'm standing in quick sand with all the negativity pulling me down.  It just feels so depressing and heavy to look at myself in a mirror or see a picture of myself.  If all I'm seeing is the negative stuff, how on earth can I ever focus on what is to become... or the positives that are all ready there?

Which got me thinking.

Here lately, I haven't bombarded myself with the constant negatives.

I've stood in front of the mirror and complimented the beautiful tan I currently have.

I've given myself a good pat on the back for going on a 4 mile walk as if it's as simple as writing my name.

I've taken and looked at pictures of myself and not cringed about fat rolls, but smiled about the look of happiness on my face.

I've run around with kids doing physical sports, giving them a run for their money, and come away feeling stronger than I have in such a long time.

I've put on a tank top and pair of shorts and told myself that I may not look great in them, but I can make sure that those clothing items are dripped in sweat after a good work-out which will ultimately make me look better wearing them.

And just those simple words of positiveness have helped fester good feelings inside of me that make me want to battle all of the negatives... get rid of them forever....fight the good fight of good versus evil.

All negatives produce more negatives.

Add a few positives in there...at a greater number than the negatives...and even more positives come out.

Don't like the way I look in an outfit?  Well, a good walk/jog makes me feel better...and enforces that I'm on my way to fixing it.

Don't like the fat rolls?  Saying no to a donut or peanut butter shake always makes me feel better...and enforces that I'm on my way to fixing it.

Don't like wearing a bathing suit in public?  Well, putting it on and swimming laps and laps in my pool until I can't swim anymore enforces that I'm on my way to fixing that.

And the list can go on and on.

Negatives aren't necessarily all bad.  In my opinion, they are the ying to the positive yang.  Too many of one will start to overpower and the balance gets one sided.

Too many negatives, and self-loathing sets in.  I start hating myself, wondering what the point is of even trying to fix it... because I've tried so many times before and failed.

Too many positives and the "who really cares? I love myself" syndrome sets in.  I start wondering what the points is even trying to fix it, because I'm happy with who I am and I'm just going to live with it.

But, the right combination of negatives and positives keep me going.  They make me strong when I feel weak.  They make me feel determined when I'm doubtful.  They make me seek motivation when I'm feeling lazy.

They go hand in hand.

I won't hate myself.  I won't hate who I've become.

But I can dislike certain things about myself in order to focus on change.

The only way to make that change happen is to focus on what I can do... what I'm willing to do...what negatives I can overcome and seek victory from.

So, thanks Michelle for boosting me up this morning... and leading me to write this post.  I needed it.

Till next time!

So. Hot. Must. Find. Water!

OK, so we're not even officially in to summer just yet, and I'm already going to start complaining about the weather.  Or, really, the heat.  Which is funny, because just a few weeks ago on my other blog, I was complaining that the temps were barely making it in to the 70's which wasn't right for May.

But, I'm not one of those people.  Not usually.

The kind that complains all winter about the cold and then complains all summer about the heat.  I'm only the latter version.  I will complain all summer about the heat...but you won't hear me complain (much) about the cold in the winter.  Because I'm a winter gal.

Although, that may change slightly, now that we have a huge pool in our back yard.

But this past week has been torture.  Temps in the 90's, beautiful cool pool in the back yard, and I've only been able to sit and watch as my children frolic and play in the refreshing water.

Why?

Because I'm being tormented by Aunt Flo...and the hag won't allow me to swim.

Yes, I know, there are certain things I can use so that I can swim, and all that.  But, I don't.  Can't, really.  It's personal, and I already feel like I've said too much... just know that when Aunt Flo is in town, I'm restricted to the sidelines to just watch the fun happening.

Thankfully, she should be packing her bags today...better be, anyway.

I've never wanted to jump in to a pool and swim and swim and swim some more so much before.  And no, not just lounge in the pool, actually get in it and work-out.  Run in the pool (which if freakin' hard!), swim in the pool, do lunges and jumps, and all kinds of fun, cool exercises.

Of course, most people want what they can't have.

The past couple of days teaching summer school have been EX-HAUS-TING.  I come home feeling every ounce of energy drained out me.  I wake up in the morning feeling like my legs could snap off at any moment.  And why?  Because I've done a little more physical activity which I'm used to...and by that I mean I've walked up and down the hallways several times in a day, and I've been on my feet all day.  Not anything major like actually working out.

Actually, the annoyance to the pain has been so bad, that I decided that I'd get up nice and early this morning and go for a brisk walk.  You know, while it was still cool enough to do so.  So, I'd actually get in some good exercise this morning and work out the kink in my legs.  But, wouldn't you know, I didn't wake up until after 9am and within two minutes of stepping outside, I was melting sweating.  One look at the pool made me realize, I'll just hold off until later and do the equivalent of a walk in the pool.

I know, the weather is a poor excuse for not getting out there.  Shame on me.  But, honestly, I just knew that if I did go out for the walk....it would totally drain me.  I have other plans for the day, that do involve some activity.  I know my limits, and unfortunately there isn't much depth to them.   That doesn't mean I won't get there, though.

My good friend, Cathy, left a comment yesterday about how amazing it was how quickly we lose the ability to perform certain things when we don't do them for a while.  Point was about exercise.  Which is so true... it really does suck how quickly you can go from running to barely able to walk very far.  Especially after how long it takes to go from walking to running in the first place.

It sure would be nice that if it took 3 months to walk to jog for a while, then it took 3 months to revert backwards.  If it took 1 year to run a mile, it took 1 year to not be able to run a mile.  And so on.  But, that's not the case at all.  You don't run for a month?  Don't expect to run very far when you start running again.  Just imagine if you haven't run in over a year!  I'm back at my original starting point... the point where a 15 minute walk took it's toll on me.

Anywho, back to the comment.  It's funny she said what she did, because it's the point I've been trying to pass on to my students this week....regardless of the hypocritical stance that played out this morning.

Many of them have complained about how it's too hot to go outside.  It's too hot to do anything but sit in the AC.  They don't want to play outside, they don't want to throw a frisbee around, and they certainly don't want to do anything that would work up a sweat.

Then, I let these words slip out of my mouth...

"Two years ago, I could run 3 miles non-stop as if were something like tying my shoe.  Then, I decided it was too hot to run, I was too tired to exercise, I couldn't be bothered.   Now, look at me.  Walking down the hallway breaks me in to a sweat and turns my breathing hard.  Do you want to end up like me?"

I kid you not, but after that little spill, there was genuine fear in some of their eyes.

Many of my students are athletes... basketball players, football players, track participants, dancers etc.  Those were the kids that jumped to their feet and started doing everything I asked them to do... no more whining.

Of course, unfortunately, there were several kids that it didn't phase them a bit.  And the sad reason for that?  They don't really do any physical activity...they're kinda already like me.  These were the kids that needed a little different motivation.  They weren't athletes, they didn't do any physical activity, they were under the impression that they had nothing to lose, cause they didn't have anything built up to lose.

That's a painful revelation.

That there are kids that don't do any form of physical activity, and are already in the mindset that they are perfectly OK with that... that maybe they're destined to be overweight and unfit for the rest of their lives.

So, a different kind of spill?

"I forgot to mention that up until two years ago, I looked the way I look now.  I had been that way my whole life.  I was teased as a kid, couldn't and wouldn't do sports, and then when I had kids of my own, I couldn't play with them because I was too heavy.  So, I decided to change.  I lost a lot of weight.  Just by doing simple things and changing the way I ate.  That's why I was able to work up to running... I couldn't do it on day one, but I did it after a while.  But, because I just gave up one day... I ended up right back where I started.  It's so hard to lose weight, but it can be done.  It's so hard to learn to run, but it can be done.  And it's so much easier to do when you're still young."

Didn't really have the impact that I expected it to... but it got me really thinking.

Maybe these kids have heard it all before... maybe these kids just don't care about what they're told.  It's so easy to hear people preach about losing weight... but who actually does it?

Even me sitting there rambling on about how I used to weigh a lot less, but then gained it all back.  What kind of role model is that?

It made me realize that losing this weight, again, and sticking with it this time is so much more important than what I originally intended it to be.

Several years ago, I made the decision to try and lose weight so that I could be a healthy teacher, and a good role model to my students.  I failed.  I ended up a fat teacher who was a hypocrite, because I preach healthy eating and exercise...and I'm 260lbs.

What if, I can still become a good role model to my students?  The students that need my help the most.  The students who are just like me.  They need a little shove in the right direction or need something that they can actually see rather than hear.  Maybe I could be that person?  Maybe I could transform in front of their eyes, showing them that it can be done...with a little hard work and dedication.

I don't know.

But, I will say that what I saw in the eyes of some of those kids yesterday is frightening.  I don't want kids being OK that they are overweight and sedentary.  It's not right.  All kids should be able to run around a playground carefree...not hiding out in a shady spot because they are sweating so bad from just being outside, never mind actually doing something that works up a sweat.

Is there something I can do to help them?  Even if it just means taking my own advice and not be a hypocrite?

And I guess that's all I'm going to say about that today....I've got some serious thinking to do about myself...

Till next time!

Time to Get Started

Well, I'm back again today.  That's a good sign, right?  Apparently I want to try and write here every day... because that's kinda how I am.  Writing helps.  A lot.  

After finishing up my first post, yesterday, I decided that I needed to take care of a few things to really get myself in gear.  First thing was creating a "Brief History" page for any newcomers.  Even though I'm starting this blog completely over, I'd like to let people know that I've been here and done this before.  It's more of an accountability thing than anything else.  I don't want to give the impression that I'm new at this, and haven't struggled for years and years with my weight.  

It's mostly for three reasons:

1.  I don't want to confuse new readers when I ever refer to my blogging about weight loss in the past.  I think it's only right that new readers are a little aware of my back story and what I'm bringing to the table.

2.  If I do finally succeed at losing the weight and keeping it off, I don't want people to think that this is when I first started and succeeded.  I think everyone should know that I'm not one of those people that can decide one day to lose the weight and do it in a matter of a few months.  It's been an adult life-long struggle, and I want that to be clear so that there are no misconceptions.  That's the honest thing to do...and that's just how I roll.

3.  I want readers to know at one point, I did have a lot of success with my weight loss.  But, because I didn't stick with it and let bad situations take over, I lost all of my progress.  Weight loss is a life-long battle, and not something that can be obtained and completed in a matter of months.

The other thing I realized I needed to do was take some "Before" pictures.  Oh, how I hate taking pictures.  In fact, for the past year or so, I haven't taken many pictures of myself...and the ones I have taken are mostly head shots.  

This is why...

Yep.  That's me.  As of yesterday.  Excuse the towel on my head... I'd just taken a shower, and figured it the perfect time to capture some pictures of me in all of my glory.  

My starting weight is 260lbs.  I'm not proud of that number.  Not by any means.  I've gained about 10lbs since January...and 40lbs more since 2011 for a total gain of 50lbs in the past 2 years.

It's a hard pill to swallow, cause had I lost those 50lbs in the past two years... I'd be at my goal weight.   Or at least pretty darn close.  I weighed 212lbs in May, 2011.  Had I lost another 50lbs since then, I would be teetering around 160lbs.. which is my ultimate goal weight.  Well, the weight my doctor told me I should be.

But, one thing I'm going to have to do if I truly want to start over is quit beating myself up for my past mistakes.  They're done and over with. There's nothing I can do now, except lose the weight again.  I've done it before, I can do it again.

This time, though, I don't have school AND work... I just have my dream job.  I don't have the stress and worry of hating my living situation... I have my dream house.  There's absolutely nothing standing in my way...except... myself.  I either do it or I don't.  Right?

Yesterday, I was proud of myself.  I started the day out with a Greek Yogurt.  And water.  Lunch was a noodle bowl.  And water.  Dinner was chicken fajita salad.  And water.  And then more water.  I ended the day with another Greek yogurt.  And more water.

I don't have any form of "plan" that I'm going to use.  I'm just going to stick with what's tried and true... watching what I eat, keeping an eye on my calorie intake, and avoiding junk food.  Oh, and drinking lots of water.

Exercise will come.  Soon.  How can it not with such a wonderful in-ground pool in my backyard?  No excuses there... swimming is one of my most favorite things to do.  I have to wait for a couple more days before I can get back to swimming, due to a monthly visitor... but until then, I'll be teaching summer school and getting in a ton of exercise running around with kids all day.

Which, actually, I need to get ready for right now.

Till next time....

Joanna

a/k/a Mad, Fat Woman