Why is it Always Such an Inner Struggle?

This morning, I woke up and it was 8:30.  A little later than I had wanted to sleep in, but still early enough that I could make it out for my walk.

And that's exactly what I told myself when I got out of bed.  It was still early enough to go for a walk.

But, then I had to have a cup of coffee...and take my pill...and wait 30 minutes to eat my breakfast...and then probably wait a little while for my breakfast to settle.

No biggie.  I just told myself I'd give myself an hour to get all that done and go at 9:30.  STILL early enough to get in a good walk without it being too hot outside.  The temps aren't supposed to reach the 80s until sometime this afternoon.

I took my pill.  Drank a full glass of water.  Drank my coffee.  Wrote my other blog while I waited my 30 minutes to eat.  Ate.  Drank another glass of water.  And then started getting caught up in this inner battle with myself.  By this time, it was about 9:15.

Do I really want to go for a walk?  I plan on walking every day after school this week..it won't hurt if I skip today.  Have I drank enough water to keep me hydrated if I go?  What about my dry mouth issues?  Will I start walking and get all thirsty...and will it make me feel sick?

And then I started arguing with myself.  

I never regret going once I actually make myself go.  Why is it always so difficult to just make myself do it?  I enjoy walking.  I feel great once I'm finished.  But, then, why do I have to mentally convince my mind that it's the right thing to do?

Seriously, I'm not kidding.  There's a reason I refer to myself as the MAD, fat woman.  I literally have these inner dialogues going on certain occasions... such as this one.

Hubby then came outside to tell me that he was going to mow the back yard.  Immediately my mind said.. Well, you can't go now, you have to keep an eye on the kids.  If you go walking, the kids won't be supervised and they will bother Hubby while he's trying to mow, and that will tick him off.

I pretty much convinced myself that I was just going to put it off for today.

Then, by 9:50, Hubby was done.  Yard was mowed, and I was still sitting on the patio and I started getting this niggling feeling.  I've been so good all week.  I've kept my calories in check.  I've logged everything I've eaten.  Did I really want to fail on the exercise portion before I even start?

And the answer is NO.

I took my big butt swiftly inside the house, dug out my walking clothes, and put on my tennis shoes.  I was going.  Period.

And I did.  I walked for an hour, and did 3 miles in that time.  I had my music playing in my ears.  I kept the beat to the various songs.  And, I thoroughly enjoyed it.  

By the time I got home, I was absolutely drenched in sweat, but my body felt good.  I felt refreshed.  Like all the kinks had been worked out.  And my pace wasn't great... 20 minute miles.. but I had already told myself that my weekend walks were not going to be for exercise, they were going to be for meditative purposes.  When I'm walking around the school gym every day and throwing in some sprints and jogging..then I'll worry about my pace time.

I just wish it wasn't such a big hassle convincing myself to go.  It's true what I told myself during my inner argument.  I never regret going.  I always feel good when I get back.  I always enjoy it.  It makes me feel accomplished and strong.  

I tell myself every time I finish walking, and have the fuzzy good feelings, that I will remember those moments each time...so that I'll never try to talk myself out of it.  But, that never happens.  Each and every single time, I end up in a mind battle deciding if I really want to go or not.  For the most part, I do end up going... but there are countless times that I've opted for sitting at my computer or curling up on the couch instead.  

I just don't want to do that anymore.  It takes one hour out of my day.  One.  And then I have the entire rest of the day to relax, and play games, and read.  

Even while I was walking, I was practicing my plan of action for when I'm faced with walking after school.  No doubt, I'll try and talk myself out of it.  I'll try and convince myself that I have too much to do in my classroom...stuff to get ready for the next day.  But, my kiddos are all gone by 3:30.  If I worked in my classroom until 5.. I'd have an hour to spend in the gym.  That's an hour and a half in my room, and an hour to walk.  Perfect.  Surely I can get everything that I need to do done in an hour and a half.  

Sure, I'll probably be tired.  Exhausted, even.  But... if I just force myself to change in to my work-out clothes...force myself to go in to that gym... I guarantee that I won't regret it.  I'll probably even go home with a little pep in my step, rather than getting home and collapsing on the couch.  

I just hope that one day, the inner argument will disappear.  It will transform in to the voice urging me to go..excited that it's almost time to work up a sweat and get my body moving.  That feeling that I hold on to every time I'm done will finally be the only feeling...and it will boost me up each and every time.

One day.

Until then, I just have to be strong.  Committed.  And never let my negative side win.

Till next time!

Time to Kick Start My Exercise Plan

Today marks one week since I started taking my weight loss medicine.  For an entire week, I've logged my food, counted calories, and stayed on track with my food intake.

That's HUGE.

Because I know that it's been a very long time since I've gone an entire week eating 1200-1300 calories a day.  A Very Long Time.

And during that time, I've eaten hamburgers.  And pizza.  And fries.  Yet, still somehow managed to not destroy my eating for the day.  Of course, there's a lot of work to be done.  Just eating the right number of calories won't get me very far in training my mind.  I also have to choose the right foods for those calories.  However, opting to eat a jr. burger and fries with water to drink versus a super-sized version of both with a large Dr. Pepper is progress.  Eating two pieces of veggie pizza versus the five pieces of meat loaded pizza I would normally consume is progress.  Progress, but still not good enough.  I want to be tracking my food to where hamburgers, fries, and pizza make an appearance once in a blue moon... not all together in the same week.

This next week, I'm really going to focus on matching my dinner options to the healthiness that my breakfast and lunches have had.  I've been vigilant in eating my Greek yogurt for breakfast every morning, and having a sandwich for lunch.  I have snacked two days.. using cucumber and hummus one day and whole wheat crackers the other.  I have had a snack with me every day, but only two days have I actually eaten them... and those would be days that I put in 12 hours at work and needed something in the afternoon to curb my hunger.

I have another plan to add this week:  Getting my exercise started.

This past week, I really haven't had the time to think about exercise.  And that is NOT an excuse.  I have worked 10-12 hours every single day this past week, and spent that time moving furniture, climbing up and down off of chairs, walking up and down hallways, and being on my feet all day long.  I come home EXHAUSTED and sore and achey.  Even though I haven't dedicated time to actual exercise, my body has gone through quite a work-out this week.

After being off work for two months, it takes a little while to get used to such long work days.  I've only had kids in my classroom for the past two days, but that means for the past two days, I've been on my feet from 7AM until 3:30PM... sitting down for 20 minutes at lunch.  By the end of the day, my legs are screaming at me and my back feels like it's been punched repeatedly.  

Regardless of how long it's going to take me to get used to those aches and pains, I committed to myself that I would allow myself one week for the transition.  And then it would be Game On for starting my exercising.

By exercising, I mean walking for 45 mins to an hour at least 5 days a week.  

Peanut and Butter start their sport practices on Monday.  That means I will be at school until 6PM each and every night while they are at practice.  That's the perfect time for me to go down to the school gym and walk around it.  Jelly will be with me, but I figure if I give her a basketball, she can shoot some hoops while I'm getting my sweat on.  I've already cleared it with my principal, and she's agreed to allow the gym to stay open in the evenings so that I, and anyone else, can use it for walking.

I can just pop my headphones in my ear, and walk around and around the outside of the basketball court.  

My hopes is that I'll do that for a couple of weeks, and will be able to promote up to jogging a few laps... maybe throw in some sprint work.  Regardless of how tired I am at the end of the day, I know that if I make myself do the exercise I'll go home feeling much better...and less achey.  It will work out the kinks from standing all day...and also clear my mind ready for the next day.

On the weekends, I'll play it by my feelings.

Take right now, for example.  It's 8AM and only 57 degrees outside.  Pretty freakin' unheard of for the middle of August.  When I came outside with my cup of coffee to do my normal routine of sitting on the porch and enjoying some quiet time - I realized how perfect it would be to go for a walk.  Except, Hubby beat me to the punch.  He planned a motorcycle excursion with a buddy...so they've gone off to enjoy this weather from the back of a motorcycle.  Which means, I have to stay with the kids.  Peanut would usually do that, but she's spending the weekend with a friend.  

It's OK... that just means it's my turn tomorrow morning.  The weather is supposed to be pretty similar to this morning, so I'll just get up and get out to enjoy the cool weather and a brisk walk then.

That doesn't mean that I'll be sitting on my rear all day.  Being back to work this week has taken a toll on my house.  It's in desperate need of a good cleaning.  Floors need to be swept and mopped.  Bathrooms need to be scrubbed.  Bedding needs to be washed, and beds need to be remade.  Kitchen counters and floors need to be scrubbed.  All sweat inducing activities.

Not near as fun as speed walking to my favorite music, but it'll get the job done.  Besides, it will help me be even more excited about my time tomorrow morning.  After spending a day sweating in dirt, I will be able to sweat tomorrow morning in the sun...and fresh, cool breeze.

On Wednesday, the scale was very kind to me.  It showed a pretty significant drop in a short amount of time.  But, I know as well as the next person that the scale can do drastic things in a very short amount of time.  I'd like to think that this next Wednesday, I'll see another great number.  But, that won't happen unless I keep up the work on my end.  

The pill is not magic.  It only plays a very small role in any progress I want to make.  I have to do the right eating and moving my body to really see the results.

So, I'm scoring week one a 6/10.  I kept my calories in check.  That's about it.  The foods that got me those calories, however, need a lot of improvement.  My exercise needs a LOT of improvement.  

I also managed to keep my word on only drinking one cup of coffee each day.  And drinking tons of water (and only water) for the rest of the time.  I've decided that on weekends, I'll allow myself two cups of coffee each morning, if I feel like it.  But no more than that.  If I can get through this extremely exhausting week with only one cup of coffee each morning, I can get through my stress-free weekends with two.  Even though I don't really need two.  It's kinda like my treat.  Because, honestly, I love my coffee.  I'm shocked that I have had no troubles whatsoever cutting my caffeine down so much.  The norm for me is usually 3-4 cups of coffee before work each morning, and then another cup or two once I get to work.  And on extremely tiring days (like the first week of school), I would normally end up buying a diet Dr. Pepper in the afternoon.  For an entire week, I've had only one small cup of coffee and nothing else but water and haven't suffered from any headaches or fatigue.  I've been running on pure adrenaline all day long.

This first week has given me a lot to work on, but it's also given me a lot to be proud of.  I'm not going to completely reverse 15 years of unhealthy living my first week.  I know this.  Small steps is going to get me there.  Small successes will have major impact.  I don't feel overwhelmed or worried about sticking the course.  If anything, it's the complete opposite.  These small victories have helped motivate me to add a few more.  

Slow and steady wins the race.

I know this.  And doing that is fine by me.

OK, house work is calling...

Till next time!

Got to Make it Quick....

OK.  I only have a few minutes before I need to get to getting ready for work.

But, I wanted to at least come by and share that my first day back to work was AWESOME.  You can read all about it on my other blog... www.lifeandtimesofjoblog.blogspot.com

I was so nervous about going back in terms of my eating.  What sweets were waiting?  What temptations would I run in to? 

Thankfully - none. 

I stuck to eating my sandwich for lunch...and didn't even want the crackers I brought for a snack.  

I was on my feet pretty much all day, and that took it's toll on me.  It's been a few months since I've stood for that long.  By the end of the day, my legs and back were killing me.  But, it further instilled the fact that I really need to start walking now.  I have to start cracking down on working out and making those aches and pains disappear.

I'll openly admit, I faltered at dinner time.  I had to pick up something for dinner after work, and being that neither I nor Hubby were in the mood to cook, I grabbed two ready made pizzas at Walmart.  Even though that was probably the worst thing I could have selected... I only ate two pieces of pizza, versus the five slices I usually eat.  

I also made sure to pick up a veggie loaded pizza.  It was stacked with peppers, onions, mushrooms, and tomatoes.  Not healthy at all when they are all covered in cheese and grease, but at least I got some veggies in me.

I have to admit, the grease on the pizza did make me a little queasy.  After I ate, I felt yucky.  Like my body was not impressed with my food choices.  Even though I haven't eaten all healthy the past week, the amount of grease in one meal was NOT what my body was ordering.

I also got my test results back from all the blood work I had at my doctor's office last week.  I was happy to see that my blood sugar level was well within the realms of normal, and the doctor had no concern about pre-diabetes.  My cholesterol, however?  Yeah, not so good.  The doctor even believes I might want to consider taking some medicine for it.

That, I want to hold off on.  I know that if my cholesterol is that high, I run a greater risk for a heart attack... but I also know that if I really buckle down and lose the weight, my cholesterol will improve.  I want to give it a year to see how much improvement I can make with just eating and exercise.  If, by this time next year, the doctor is still very worried about my cholesterol levels...then I will take the medicine.  

This was kinda the scenario I was expecting.  A life or death situation where the weight had to come off, or run an extreme risk of an early demise.  I need to know that if I quit...again... I'm putting myself in to grave danger.  If I don't run the course, lose the weight, and get healthier - I'm literally killing myself.

So.  Game On.  

I have to lose the weight.  My life is at stake.

And that's all I have time for.

Got to go get ready for work.

Till next time!

Weigh-In Wednesday is Back!

                           

I know, I know.... I said I wasn't going to do this.

But, you all should know me well enough by now to know that I change my mind more often than some people change their underwear.

What can I say?

I live life one day to the next...and some days I just decide to recant everything I've ever said.

I figured that because I'm now taking the weight loss meds, I'd want to keep an eye on my progress.  It's probably going to be one of my biggest motivators.  I know that even if I decided to carry on doing "official" weigh-ins monthly... my butt would still be on the scale at least once a week seeing how I'm doing.

So, why not just go back to weighing in weekly?

Because it's been a while since I've updated my weight, I'll do a little backstory.

I started the summer off weighing 260lbs.  I then gained 5lbs over the course of the first month of the summer.  So, I was up to 265lbs.  That's when I started getting some great advice from a homeopathic nutritionist and decided to start all over.  I reset my weight counter to reflect the 265lbs and started following her advice.  I then dropped 5lbs in the next month and went back down to 260lbs.

Thursday of last week, I went for my doctor's appointment and weighed 262.5lbs.  That was at 2pm in the afternoon... so I figured I was probably still around the 260lbs mark if I took in to consideration what I'd eaten that day, and normal body fluctuations.  That's when she prescribed the medicine.  I didn't, however, start taking it until Saturday because I had to have a medical procedure done on Friday that would have to be put off had I started the meds then.

This morning, I stood on the scale.  

I weigh 257.8lbs.

That's a loss of almost 5lbs in 5 days (if I go by the doctor's weigh-in)!! 

Or, a loss of 2.2lbs from my previous 260lbs number.

Still a good loss for such a short time, right?

I haven't seen numbers in the 250s for a long time.  And it feels good knowing that I'm really buckling down and starting to see some quick progress.

Yesterday, I encountered my first situation of eating out.  After a meeting I attended at school, my team voted on eating at a small diner for lunch.  I had packed a lunch, but being that I was going to be at the school until 8PM because of our open house - I figured I could just eat my packed lunch for dinner.

I sat and stared at the menu for a long time.  It was a diner.  Burgers, burgers, and more burgers.  Or fried whatever.  My first instinct was to check the salad options... slim pickings.  They had a chef salad that was "loaded" with ham, turkey, and boiled egg.  They had a taco salad that came in a fried bowl and "loaded" with taco meat.

And, sure, I could have asked for stuff to be removed.. but I wasn't really in the mood to eat a plate full of iceberg lettuce and diced tomato.  Which was the extent of the "salad" minus any of the bad stuff.

The rest of the menu consisted of mostly 1/3lbs burgers loaded with all kinds of stuff:  Bacon, fried onions, onion rings, fried mushrooms, and so on.  But, I managed to find a tiny piece of the menu dedicated to "regular burgers".  I went with a basic cheeseburger and small fries.  

Total calories were (based on estimates) 800 calories.  OUCH!!

The fries were only a small portion (about the size of McDonald's small fry).  I went with higher estimates on MyFitnessPal - but I'm sure I wasn't that far off.

Thankfully, my breakfast only consisted of 160 calories and my lunch (that I ate for dinner) was only 300 calories.  So, I was still in my calorie range by the end of the day.  And at the lower end.

I definitely could have eaten something a little more healthy for lunch, but it was nice knowing that if I prepared and planned a little... I could still have something like a burger and fries and still not sabotage my eating for the day.

Later in the afternoon, I had cucumber slices with 2 tbsp of hummus.  I didn't eat all of the hummus.  I did eat all of the cucumber slices.  When I got home, I ate the sandwich that I had originally made for lunch.  I ate it a little later than I'd like, but I was too busy with work to stop and think about eating it at my normal dinner time.

Overall, I feel fantastic.

The pills aren't causing any crazy side effects.  I'm not cranky or jittery or shaky.  I still have urges to eat, but I'm able to ward them off and focus on something else.  I keep reminding myself that I'm going to really do it this time...and regardless of whether the pill is doing what it's supposed to do, I have to think about what life will be like without it.  In fact, I'm kinda convincing myself that the pill really isn't doing anything - I'm doing it on my own.  I think this mentality will help once it's time to come off of it.

I'm fighting the urge to eat.  I'm keeping my calories in check.  Not the pill.

I'm drinking water by the gallons and sweating gallons in the process.  I think those two aspects are from the pill.  I have dry mouth, and I have to barely move to start sweating like a geyser.  But, I feel like both are positive side effects.  One is making me get the water my body needs, the other is getting rid of the water I don't need.  Win.  Win.

OK, it's time for me to think about getting ready for work.

Have a wonderful day, everyone!  

Till next time!

No is a Strong Word...Just Have to Be Careful How I Use It

                          

Well, yesterday was a busy and good first day back to work.

I got to the high school and got my breakfast.  I had scrambled eggs, grapes, strawberries, and two slices of bacon.  It was around 350 calories... but I had trouble finishing the eggs and didn't eat all of them.

After our meeting, we went back to our home schools and were given some time to work in our classrooms before it was time to meet at 1PM to get our first day back meeting over with.  I took that opportunity to decorate a bulletin board.

Even though all I had to do was climb up and down off a chair a few times, cut out long strips of paper, and then climb back up and down off the chair again...throw in not having any air conditioning in my classroom, and I was a sopping hot mess.  Even though that was the only physical activity I really did all day, you would have thought I'd spent an hour in a gym.  My hair was wet with sweat, and the nice "teacher clothes" I'd worn for my meetings weren't looking so nice after all that.

Before it was time to go to my meeting, I prepared my lunch.  My teammates decided to go out and eat lunch, but I was able to decline and threw my lunch in the microwave.  I ate leftovers from my dinner the night before.  Even though it was only a small portion, I had trouble finishing it too.

Finally, it was time to go to our meeting.  

It's basically an afternoon of going over all the school rules, discussing schedules, just getting our heads back in to the grinds of work.

One thing my principal always likes to do is give us a little something to welcome us back.

This year, it was a new school t-shirt and a PayDay candy bar.  

She opens with how hard a teacher really works, working above and beyond what our contract requires... and it's her way of giving us an extra "Pay Day" for all of that hard work.

It's sweet.  And thoughtful.  

Yet, because of my current eating situation... I made it more like she was out to destroy all of my hard work and wave temptation under my nose to see if I'd crack.

Not good.

My immediate reaction was to whine and complain about having a candy bar.  

Instead of being courteous of her gesture and thankful that we have a principal that likes to give us little treats to welcome us back... I whined.  

Looking back again now, I feel awful.  And I'm super surprised I didn't really upset her and hurt her feelings.  I was sitting right in front of her when I was doing all of my whining and complaining.  

Her's a woman that truly cares about her staff, wants to make them feel welcome on their first day back, does something nice and buys us all candy bars....and Miss Ungrateful (me) throws it back in her face.

I'm an idiot.

What I need to learn is that even though I'm committed to being strong and not wavering my stand on losing the weight, it doesn't mean that I'm not going to be challenged and confronted with temptation.  Especially working in a school environment.  There will ALWAYS be temptations.  There will be potlucks and cupcakes and sodas and sweets.

My job is to just avoid.  Not give in.

It's certainly not to offend or rant and rave about how hard it is for me to resist when it's right in front of my face.  

No is a powerful word.  But, it has to be used with a certain level of respect and dignity.  I can say it pleasantly.  

"No, thank-you"

Not use it with anger and disgust that I'm even being tempted with it in the first place.

"Ugh, I'm trying to lose weight... NO I don't want a stinkin' candy bar!!"

A strong and powerful lesson I have to learn is that the world doesn't revolve around me.  Just because I'm trying to lose weight, doesn't mean the world is going to stop tempting me.  That everyone around me is going to hide the sweets whenever they hear me coming.  They're not going to replace their kind gestures of candy bars and homemade cupcakes with Greek yogurts and carrot sticks.  

It's a part of life I have to adjust to.

Not everyone else around me.

Of course, this epiphany hit me once the meeting was over and I was back in my classroom.  I smacked myself in the forehead, and walked down to my principal's office to see if I had somehow offended her.  She seemed to be OK.  Maybe she hadn't heard all of my complaining.  I'm not sure how, being that I was right in front of her... but if she did, she didn't let on about it.

Phew.

But then again, that's another great quality she has.  She let's stuff slide.  She knows that people sometimes say things that aren't meant to offend...are just thoughtless rants.  I just now have to keep reminding myself that I need to keep my mouth shut when standing in front of temptation.  Be nice.  Be strong.. but nice.

And for those wondering about the fate of the PayDay?

I stuck it in my lunchbox and brought it home...where I gave it to Peanut.  Appropriate, yes?

It's actually her boyfriend's favorite candy bar, and I thought it would be a cute gesture on my part to let her have it.  Not just that, but I found out she made Advanced on both of her MAP tests she took at the end of the school year last year.  

So, I turned the nice gesture that was given to me, and just passed it on.  In the exact same way.  Ironic, right?  Of course, my Peanut didn't complain and whine and be ungrateful about it.  At least I taught her well...too bad I'm not leading by example, right?

It was easy to not eat it.  I didn't sit and stare at it.  I didn't sweat over how it was calling my name.  At one point I did check the label to see how many calories it had... but once I saw that first ingredient:  Sugar... I put it quickly back in to my lunchbox.

Overall, I'm proud of myself.  I'm proud that I was able to eat sensibly for breakfast.  I'm proud that I was able to avoid going to grab a hamburger for lunch because I had brought my lunch.  I'm proud that I was able to stick that candy bar away and not be tempted to eat it.

I just have to work on my understanding of being strong in my head...not letting it slip out of my mouth.

I know that no one is out to get me.  They're not trying to sabotage me or see if I'm really as strong as I think I am.  They're just being thoughtful.  And I can be thoughtful with my decline.  I know they won't be hurt or upset if I just politely decline.  

But, they will be hurt and upset if I don't watch how I use the word No.  

And that was my lesson for the day.

Today, I'm going to do it all over again....and this time, be a lot more polite about it.

Till next time!

A Little Game of Mind Over Matter, Anyone?

Today is my first official day back to work.  

That event kicks off with a district wide meeting first thing this morning, where breakfast will be served. And we're not talking muffins and coffee.  No.  I'm talking about a full, cooked, buffet style breakfast.  Eggs, bacon, sausage, biscuits & gravy, hashbrowns, fruit, waffles, donuts...etc. etc.  

This morning will be a true testament to how well my pill is actually working, and how much control I have over my own mind.

I will be taking my pill before I leave.  I will be drinking water on my drive there.  I am focusing on eggs and fruit.  Eggs and fruit.  Eggs and fruit.

No coffee.  No juice.  Just water for me.

I upped my medication, yesterday, to taking a full pill.  And to be honest, it wasn't that much different than taking half a pill.  No jitters.  No feeling funny.  The only side effect I had to deal with was dry mouth... which just made me drink tons and tons of water.  Can't complain about that, right?

I also found that I felt pretty good about myself.  Meaning happy.  Relaxed.  Alert and awake.  I wouldn't really say full of energy, but I had a little pep in my step.  I did a few laps in the pool for some exercise with the family...and I didn't feel drained or tired after.

I did notice, however, that I was still feeling the urge to eat, but I fought it.  Only sticking to eating my set meals.  At dinner time, I made sure my portion was about half the size of what I normally eat, and I found that I was satisfied when I was finished.  There were even some left-over, and I didn't even consider having more.  

I spent the evening reading, and not once did I even think about grabbing a snack.

I don't know how much the pill has to do with that.  I'm even starting to wonder if the pill is more of a mind over matter situation.  I know I've taken the pill.  I expect it to work.  I find that even though I feel like I want to eat, I don't... because I'm committed to letting the pill kick in and take over my hunger feelings.  

That didn't happen, but I was able to focus on not wanting to eat.  

I actually ended my day yesterday being too far below my calorie intake.  That's not good.  I don't want to go in to starvation mode... which means I have to eat more today.

I figure the breakfast will help, and I'm taking the leftovers from dinner as my lunch.  It was a perfect sized portion left for me to take.  

I did take a little looksy at the scale this morning...and I was shocked to see that I'm already down 4lbs!!  In two days.

I know that a lot of that is water weight.  I've been drinking water like nobody's business...and sweating just as much.  I'm not sure if sweating is a side effect of the medicine, or if it's just so hot outside that I'm sweating my behind off from just being out there... but I'm really dripping after not much activity.

What I do know is, I've shown more control over the past two days than I have the entire summer.  I've logged everything that's gone in to my mouth, I've resisted temptations, I've kept my portions small, and I've forced myself to eat three times each day.  I've even stuck to only drinking two cups of coffee each morning... which is a HUGE deal for me.  And I haven't once felt cranky or gotten any headaches from my big decrease in caffeine.

Now that I'm going back to work, it's going to be a real challenge.  I have to be on my game... perfection only.  Planned meals.  Preparation.  Willpower.  There will be lots of goodies in my midst over the next few days, and I have to show that I have the power to resist.  

Honestly, after the past two days, I think it will be a cake walk (no pun intended).  I really feel like I can do it.  

So, let the games begin!

A Very Successful Start

I am so proud of myself this morning.

Super proud.

Because I successfully made it through my first day of keeping my calories in check.  Only eating because I had to.  And even though I had the pill as my companion, the half pill wore off much quicker than I anticipated... yet, I was still able to stand firm of not eating, even though I really wanted to.

Yesterday, I managed to make it through the day with only having one cup of coffee.  That was the only caffeine I drank all day.  After finishing up my blog and eating breakfast, I felt that surge of energy.  I used it to go grocery shopping - on a Saturday - which is sometimes a work-out in itself.  I loaded up on stuff that I can take to work for lunch.  Lean deli meats, hummus for veggies (I have a nice supply of fresh cucumbers that will go with that), crackers, pretzels, and multi-grain bread.  I will be taking small, simple lunches each day. A sandwich, some veggies or crackers or pretzels, and hummus or peanut butter.  I also picked up more Greek yogurts that will be my breakfasts every morning.

I noticed that by the time I got back from the store (around 1PM), that energetic feeling was gone.  I was hungry.  So, I ate a sensible lunch.  I had an onion bagel with Greek yogurt cream cheese.  

After lunch, I sat and read for a while.  While I was reading, I started getting those familiar feelings.  Feelings that usually made me grab for the closest thing to snack on... because I was just sitting and not really doing much and that calls for a snack.  Usually.

But, I resisted.  Even though I wanted to eat.. I didn't.  The pill is supposed to not make me want to eat, but it was obvious that the effects had dwindled.  

After a while, it was time to get ready for a Back to School Block party that my school puts on to celebrate going back to school...getting a chance to meet my kiddos and see my old kiddos that I haven't seen all summer.

There was a lot going on, and a lot of food available.  Hot dogs were being grilled.  There was watermelon and cupcakes and other sweets free for all.  

It was my job to man the bouncy house.  Which was fun.  I had to lift all of the kids in to the bouncy house because there was such a high step in to it, that none of the little kids were able to do it by themselves.  Mix that with a heat index in the high 90s, me in a black shirt, and it took all of a few minutes to feel the sweat pouring down my face and back...and other places that sweat just shouldn't be pouring from.

Because it was so hot, and there was so much physical activity involved, I was kept on a solid water routine.  In the two hours I was working (minus a few breaks here and there), I drank 5 bottles of water.  Maybe more.  I know I definitely had at least 5, because that's how many empty bottles I had accumulated at my station.  I did take a break and eat a hotdog.  One hotdog.  Not the best choice for food, but last year I know I ate at least 3 of them... with the cupcakes and sweets.  But not this year!

I didn't have any cupcakes or sweets.  I didn't even touch the watermelon, even though I could have.  I figured one hotdog was plenty.  They weren't the little hotdogs, they were the huge franks served at ball parks.  One of those bad boys contains 300 calories all by itself. Despite that, I was able to eat one with a bun, and still leave me under my calorie intake for the day.  

By the time the night was over, I had sweat more than I have in weeks, worked out more than I have in weeks, and ate better than I have in weeks.  Even after it was all said and done, I helped fold up and load the bouncy house - which weighs about 300lbs without any air in it.

Once I got home, I was exhausted.  My first urge was to go straight to the kitchen and find something to eat.  But, once again, I resisted.  I told myself that I'd worked so hard all day at being good - I wasn't going to spoil it by finding something to snack it all away on.  Even if it was something that was considered pretty healthy.  I just wasn't going to do it.  Late night snacking is one of the bad habits I want to do away with....no better time than day numero uno to do that.

This morning, I made the executive decision to up my pill from half to a full one.  Even though I was told that I might want to just start out with half a pill for the first week, it was obvious from my first day that half a pill just isn't enough.  I'm going to see how I feel today with taking a full one.  If I get all shaky and jittery, I may have to take half a pill in the morning and half a pill in the afternoon... but that's the good thing about having the opportunity to experiment a little before I go back to work.

Even though it's just my second day, I truly feel more excited and motivated than I have in a very long time.  I've talked about getting back on the saddle.  I've wanted to.  But, let's be honest... the followthrough just hasn't been there.  I can talk a good game, but when it comes down to playing the game... I have fallen WAY short.  All talk, no walk.  

Now it's time to start walking.  Actually doing what I've been talking about.  The pill is really going to be a mental stimulant rather than a physical one.  Because even though I felt no real benefits that I expected with the pill yesterday, I was able to stand strong.  I was able to avoid temptations... because I knew that I was throwing myself in to letting the pill work.  I know that I have to do a lot of the work, and the pill isn't going to do it all for me.  And it's better to be in that mentality NOW.

Speaking of which... it's time for me to eat my breakfast.

Till next time!

Joanna

a/k/a Mad, Fat Woman