Buffet FAIL!

I have been coming on here for the past several weeks sharing my outstanding success at finally buckling down and losing weight.

So, it's only fair that I come on here and share my first (in several weeks) bad experience.

A couple of weeks ago, I received my kids' sports schedules.  I, being the organized person I am, made sure to write all of the games and their locations in to my calendar.  I took care of any conflicts, setting up coverage for picking up kids when I was traveling for an away game, making sure I had a plan of action for the few nights that both kids are playing, and set up a pick-up person for Butter on the one night he won't get back from a game until close to midnight.

I was set and ready to get the season started.

I, also, noticed that one of Peanut's away games was happening in the town where one of our favorite Chinese restaurants is located.  So, we made the decision at that point that on game night, we'd eat dinner there.

Last night was that night.

In hindsight, probably not the smartest plan to come up with.  But, honestly, I thought I'd be able to handle it.  I thought I'd be mentally prepared to stand face to face with one of my biggest enemies and do battle, coming out victorious.  I thought that, despite the bounty of food that lay before me, I'd be able to choose somewhat wisely and not go nutso.

And I was wrong.

The sad part is, though, I prepared.  I made sure to take my pill just a little later than usual, so that the effects would hopefully help me with my battle.  I ate a pretty good sized lunch, so that I wouldn't go to the restaurant starving.  

None of my preparation mattered.

When I walked in to the restaurant, got one whiff of the food, I was gone.  Lost.  Destroyed of all hope of being "mindful" or keeping my success as a tool for motivation.  All that went through my mind was that I hadn't eaten anything like this in a long time, and it was about darned time.

So sad.

I ended up eating a plate of various meats and noodles...and then went back for more.  Had I just stuck with my first plate, I'd be fine.  It wouldn't have been the greatest food choices, but not devastating.  The second plate was MUCH smaller than the first... but it was fried junk.  Fried mushrooms, chicken on a stick, and a fried biscuit.  I ate WAY less than what I would normally eat at this particular restaurant, but even that was double what I should have eaten.

EPIC FAIL!

And my body made sure to punish me for the bad behavior.

I left the restaurant completely bloated and MISERABLE.  My stomach complained and cramped all the way home..and well after I got home.  It reminded me that moments of weakness are not going to go unpunished.  I will regret it.  And to remember these miserable feelings the next time I get the urge to just "take the night off".

There is NO taking any time off.  If I'm going to commit and do this...I have to commit each and every night.  There's no food rewards for going so long without junk.  There's no room for small splurges.  I can't let that mentality in, or it will take over and ruin everything I've worked so hard to do.

I stood on the scale this morning just to see the damage... up 3lbs.  

Of course I know that's not accurate.  OK, I ate too much last night... but not 3lbs worth.  But, with the junk, and the salt, and the oils...my body is bloated and not happy.  

Seeing that number back in the 250s quickly sent a jolt through my system.  I can't let that happen!! I can't go back...ever!!

I'm taking this as a setback.  My first setback, and hopefully my last.  There's just no room for minor errors here and there.  I keep getting told that I can't live like this forever, and that the occasional "treat" won't hurt me.  Urm..yes..yes it can!

It also told me that my pill is NOT a crutch.  It's not going to swoop in when I need it and turn me away from the foods I'm so desperately trying to eliminate from my mind.  I have to be strong enough ON MY OWN to resist.

I CAN live this way forever.  I can keep doing what I'm doing.  I know I can still eat in restaurants, and even off of buffets.. but I also know that if I do, I need to make darned sure I'm eating the stuff that won't jeopardize me.  There are plenty of foods offered in those places that are somewhat better for me than others.  I just have to know what to pick, watch my portion sizes, and just be smart.

I wasn't last night.

Lesson learned.

And now it's time to wipe the slate clean and pick myself right back up.  Starting over.  Putting it behind me and moving on.

It was a harsh kick to my rear about how far I may think that I've come, but how far I so need to go.  I'm not strong enough, yet, to handle these situations.  I just have to remember that.  I'm not cured - heck I won't ever be "cured".  

Over time, I'll understand what I can and can't eat...and will be able to handle temptations better... but I'm not there yet.

OK, time to go..

Till next time!!

In a World of Cupcakes and Cookies....

Yesterday afternoon, I took Jelly to a birthday party for one of her friends in her class.  I took Butter along - Peanut was out with her friend.

The party was being held at the park in the town where I teach.  The park just happens to be just by a river.  The kids were instructed to take along bathing suits so they could swim, being that the temperature was going to rise up close to 100 degrees.

We arrived at the park and the party table had been set up under two giant shade trees...thank goodness.  The kids went off to swim, and I sat chatting with the other parents.  I didn't know anyone, but it was nice to meet a couple of other parents.

Down the center of the party table were two giant trays of cupcakes.  Pink cupcakes with purple icing. Just sitting there...right in front of me.  The icing had begun to melt from the heat, which gave them an oozy, sugar glazed complexion.

I remember first looking at them and thinking "Oh great, I get to look at cupcakes for a couple of hours", but when I actually sat down and started chatting...the cupcakes didn't cross my mind at all.  After about 30 minutes, it was time for the kids to get out of the water and eat cupcakes.  All the kids were handed a cupcake, everyone sang Happy Birthday, and the kids started diving in to the sugary goodness.  All of the adults were offered...all took one...except for me.  I said no.  A few minutes before, I'll admit, they had started to look a little more tempting.  But, I still refused.

And then the kids were offered another cupcake.  Jelly wasn't interested in another, but Butter went ahead and took a second.  Even after two cupcakes a piece, there was still a tray full of cupcakes.  The birthday girl opened up her presents and then all the kids went back to playing.  The birthday girl's dad kept asking me if I wanted a cupcake.  I kept refusing.  He kept trying to persuade me to eat one, or they would just go to waste.  I kept refusing.  

Not because I was being all strong and committed.  But, because I had helped Jelly open up her cupcake, and had licked some icing off of my finger.  The taste was overpoweringly sweet... too much so.  The surge of sweetness hit my taste buds and sent a riptide through my system... almost to the point of that one tiny lick making me feel nauseous.  

I didn't take the cupcake because I knew that I wouldn't enjoy it.  WHAT THE WHAT??  I wasn't being all macho.  I wasn't standing strong in the face of temptation.  Honestly, had I not had the little finger lick of icing, I may have faltered and accepted a cupcake.  But, it was the taste of the icing that turned me off, made me not want one because I knew I wouldn't enjoy it.  

Big Win For Me!

And I wish that could be the end of my blog post.  Me soaking up my success of not wanting the taste of sugar that came from sweet, pretty cupcakes.

But, unfortunately it's not.

That evening, after being home and having eaten dinner, Hubby decided he wanted to go and get a movie from RedBox for us all to watch.  We have a Redbox, two actually, just up the street from us so he took his bike and rode up there.  When he came back, however, he wasn't just carrying a movie.  He was also carrying a store bag.  

He told us (Jelly, Butter, and me) that he'd picked up some stuff for us to snack on..a/k/a cookies to have with some milk while we watched the movie.  I immediately said NO!  

Then, after counting up my calories for the day, I noticed that I was a couple hundred calories short off my allowance.  The willpower in my brain had apparently all been used up with the cupcake incident, and temptation started taking over and negotiating the fact that a couple of cookies with a glass of milk would be fine.

I had somehow forgotten all about my cupcake victory, the taste of icing that had turned me away from eating a cupcake.  Cookies were different.  One of my biggest weaknesses.  Cupcakes have never really been a temptation for me.  In fact, I've never really been a huge fan of any form of cake.  But cookies on the other hand?

So, I decided right there and then that I hadn't eaten any chocolate or cookies in weeks.  A couple of chocolate covered cookies weren't going to undo all of my hard work.  It was just one time.  I would be OK.

Famous last words, right?

So I ate the cookies.  With milk.  

After I had eaten them, I wasn't all tore up with guilt and remorse.  I wasn't feeling devastated that I had gone so long without giving in to temptation.  I wasn't disappointed that I had let my guard down, and went against everything I have been telling myself for three weeks.

I felt gross.  Bloated.  Like my body had just been pumped with a nasty concoction that caused my stomach to churn.  

From four little cookies.

They had tasted OK going in, but once they were in there... my body wasn't happy about it.  I started to feel little pangs of something in my stomach.  Not exactly cramps, but a not happy feeling that comes right before a barf fest.  There was no barf involved, but I felt like I could.  Like I would be physically sick.  

From four little cookies.

And that's when I realized, I just can't eat stuff like that anymore.  

Somehow in the past three weeks, the avoidance of sugar has had a dramatic effect.  

I've eaten sugar in the past three weeks.  It's been an ingredient in a few of the things I've eaten.  But, not in the quantity that goes in to something like icing or cookies.  It's been listed as one of the last ingredients on the label of the things I've eaten, not one of the first.  I've eaten sugar in minuscule portions, not massive doses.  And, apparently, my body has started to notice the lack of sugar...and it's decided it doesn't want it invading.  

For the first time in YEARS, my body is rejecting sugar.  It has gone in to the mode that doesn't allow that crap without me feeling the harsh effects.  

Despite having a minor setback, and giving in to temptation...it did come out as a good situation.  It taught me a valuable lesson.  I'm getting better!  I'm healing!  I'm overcoming my addition to sugar!  

It's so much easier to avoid something that I know will make me feel sick than to just avoid it because I'm trying to tell myself that I'm not allowed it.  

In my mind, that's a strong victory...even if it did have to come at the hand of being weak and faltering for a few minutes.  I know now.  I know that as long as I keep doing what I'm doing, I won't be able to eat sugar the way I'm used to eating it anymore.  It won't be as easy as falling off the wagon and reverting back to my old ways.  I'll have to go through some major stomach upset for that to happen.  And I now have the pleasure of knowing that each and every time a temptation steps in to my line of sight.  

Makes battling those temptations a lot easier, right?

Let's hope so.  

I think it will.  And that's all that really matters.  I can hold on to the feelings I got in my stomach after eating those cookies last night, and remember that it's not worth it.  Remember that I don't want to feel bloated and uncomfortable and nauseous just to satisfy an urge to have a sweet treat.  That's not a treat at all.  That's a punishment.  

And no food is worth that!

So, I guess you could say I've had my first non-scale victory that involved eating something I shouldn't.  Don't know how often I want to admit to that... but right now, at this moment, I'm OK with it.  It's a valuable lesson learned, and I needed to learn it.  

Always the optimist, right?

OK, time for me to get some grocery shopping done for the week.

Till next time!

My First School Pot Luck.. Yikes!!

Today is the last day of the second full week back at work.  It's only been a week and one day since actually having students in my class.

And, it's upon me.

The dreaded Pot Luck lunch.

The Pot Luck is a teacher's rite of passage.  A sacred part of the culture.  I have never been in a school that didn't have a pot luck celebration once a month, or every couple of months.  Our school is opting for once a month this year, to celebrate all of the faculty birthdays that fall within that month.

And every ounce of me is quivering with nerves.

Regardless of whether or not I plan on eating anything... I am still expected to participate.  I'm doing my usual, and buying a couple of bags of chips.  It's my go-to pot luck plan, because I am at school until 6PM each night, and I barely have enough time to feed the kids when we get home before we're all passing out... let alone trying to prepare something for an entire school faculty.

This will be my first true test at my commitment to losing weight.  Will I be able to resist the temptations?  Will I be able to sway myself from the dips and chips and meats and desserts?  Is there a chance I can eat, but only stick to stuff I know won't kill my calorie intake?  I know that lots of the faculty often bring some form of salad.  Can I get away with just having a few samplings of the different salads and veggies that are served?  Do I take my own lunch and just avoid the pot luck altogether?

Questions that have been haunting me since the minute I drove out of the school parking lot last night.

I didn't do so well yesterday.  I took a frozen burrito for lunch, that packs 300 calories all by itself... because I just needed a break from the mundane sandwich that I've been taking each and every day.  A 300 calorie lunch isn't that bad.  The burrito didn't contain any trans fat... just the usual processed crap I told myself I was going to try and avoid this week.  Yet, when I got home, I found that Hubby had made burgers and fries for dinner.  He did bake the burgers (they're not as bad as they sound and have way less fat than if they're fried), but he fried the fries.  I ate one burger and some steak fries.  Too many steak fries, probably... but only taking one burger instead of two was still out of my norm.  

Still, not happy with my food intake yesterday.  I was a little over in my calories...not substantially.. but over.  

And I'm not happy about going in to a pot luck situation a day later.

I'm stuck with that dilemma.  A part of me is saying that I should just take my own lunch and not participate at all.  Another part of me is saying that I participate, I just stay clear of the stuff I know I shouldn't be eating.

At least there's not a part of me that's telling me to just throw caution to the wind and enjoy one day of mindless eating... it has been two weeks since I've done anything like that, after all.  But, that's not going through my head.  My ONLY options are to not eat or only eat the good stuff.

I think my best route, and the safest route, is to take my own lunch.. peruse the options at the pot luck.. if nothing appeals as healthy, then I just eat what I brought.  I go in with one option, but have a back up plan if that backfires.  

One thing I want to try and do for future pot lucks is be the person that offers at least one super healthy option.  Like a veggie platter with hummus.  Veggies aren't healthy drenched in ranch dressing.  So, by pairing them with hummus..it gives people who are trying to watch their weight (hmm..me) an alternative to snack on.  Maybe a veggie AND fruit tray.  Hummus and Greek yogurt as the pairings.  

That will be great for future pot lucks, and something I definitely need to prepare for.  But, it's a little late now.  Or is it?  I suppose I could pick up a small veggie platter on my way.  See what the store has to offer at 7AM in the morning.  Now that I'm getting that idea... that's something I might do.  

Huh.

Look at me making decisions like being mindful of providing an option I can eat... even if it is a little last minute.  That's a good sign, right?

I suppose it does me no good to whine and complain about healthy options if I'm offering up bags of chips to the mix.  The only way I can be sure there's something available to me is to be the one to provide it.  And OK, I can't make my whole lunch out of a few veggies and some hummus.. but I can sure add that to go with whatever sandwich I decide to take with me.

See, people, there's hope for me yet!  

I've also made the executive decision to take my pill to work with me, and take it a little later than usual.  I know I said on Wednesday that I wasn't going to upset the apple cart and mess with what I've been doing... but I've noticed that the effects of the pill have become almost non-existent now.  The cravings are calling pretty much all afternoon, once I'm finished with lunch.  Mornings have never been a time where I've dove headfirst in to binge eating, so it kinda makes sense to start taking the pill later.. when the cravings are at their worst...and see if the pill helps curb some of that.  It would be really nice today if that happens.. before walking in to the room of temptations.  

Being that it's Friday, it's a perfect day to experiment.  If taking the pill a couple of hours later does keep me up a lot later, I can adjust accordingly over the next two days...and still get the sleep I need.  If I take my pill around 10AM and find that I'm still up late tonight, I can sleep in tomorrow and try something else tomorrow.  

OK... I feel so much better now.  I'm not as nervous.  I've got a plan, and I intend on putting it in to action.  I'll pick up some veggies and hummus on my way to work, I'll pack my own lunch, I'll see what is available at the pot luck and only choose stuff that's healthy.  If that just means some veggies and hummus from my own offering, so be it.  I'll eat them and my own lunch.  Simple.

And I know I can do it.  I know I can be strong.  

Now, let's see if my actions speak as loud as my words.

Till next time!