Come See Me

I am not gone.  I have not disappeared.  I've just been blogging on another blog.

Come visit me?  I miss you all!!

www.lifeandtimesofjoblog.blogspot.com

Weekly Weigh-In

                          

OK, so I've decided to go back to my Wednesday weigh-ins.  Just because, for some reason, it's easier for me to actually write two blogs on Wednesday morning than it is on Monday mornings, and because I prefer to have a mid-week weigh-in versus a start of the week weigh-in.  Changing my weigh-in day kinda skews the comparison I'll be making to my Weight Loss Challenge I'm doing at work, but oh well.

Last week, I weighed in at 250.6 at home and 255.8 at work.  

I hate the 5lbs difference.  That's a huge difference.  But, after doing a consensus with some of the other people I'm competing with at work, we've figured out that my scale is a lot more accurate and that pretty much everyone that's weighing in for the competition is seeing about a 3-5lbs jump at work versus their scales at home.

This week, I weighed in at 255lbs at work.  Down 0.8lbs.  Not great for a first week start, but not a gain.  The competition is all money driven.  Meaning there was a $10 entry fee, and for each partial or complete pound gained, there is a $1 fine.  I like the partial pound fine, because if someone gains 1.2 lbs, they have to cough up $2 to add to the pot.

Last week, we were told that the prize was starting at $110.  But, I know there's been a few people back out before paying the entry fee, so I'm not sure that the prize is really that much.  At the end of the day, though, I'm in it simply for the sweet victory and the better fitting pants.

This morning, on my scale at home, I weighed 249lbs.  That's down 1.6lbs from last week.  And that truly is from only being back at work and moving around every day versus sitting on the couch most of the day.  I haven't really "exercised" because the transition has been exhausting... and we spent last week testing which takes it's toll on me.  

I know, lame excuses.  

I'm sticking with my "no diet" mentality.  I've been making health conscious food choices, but it feels refreshing not being burdened with counting calories and writing everything down or eliminating certain foods.  I'm still eating protein and carbs and veggies and fruit.  And apparently, I'm doing something right because losing 1.6lbs in a week with no "diet" and only getting exercise from being back at work isn't too shabby.

It also helps me realize that if I can lose 1.6lbs from doing, well, nothing, then I think of what I can achieve when I do get out there and start jogging or throwing in some cardio some other way.  

The plans are being laid out to start an after-school fitness program at work.  The nurse, who is heading up the weight loss competition, wants to motivate the competitors as much as possible.  And that includes putting together an after school work-out session.  She thinks maybe Zumba, or stations, or something along those lines.  I'm all for it.  I'm one that never usually makes it out of work before 5PM anyways, so why not spend that time a couple evenings a week working out?

I enjoy group fitness.  I prefer to walk/jog alone, but I love when I'm doing other kinds of exercise with other people.  It keeps me motivated to give it my all, so I don't come off as weak.  It may be a weird way of looking at it, but it works for me.

Well, that's it for me today.  I'm sorry that I don't write very often, here.  I promise I'll try and get better.

Have a great Wednesday!

Till next time...

The Beginning Numbers

                         

So, it's just going to be a quick one today, so that I can update and post my starting numbers for the at-work weight loss challenge thing I'm doing.

It just dawned on me that even though I did my first weigh in yesterday, I have absolutely no idea how the challenge is going to go.  I mean, I don't know if I'm going to weigh in weekly or what the rules are if we gain weight, etc.  Someone mentioned yesterday that in the past, if a person gained weight they had to pay a $1 for every pound gained... but nothing was really explained yesterday so I should really find out today.

Anywho, I weighed myself when I first got up and I weighed 250.6lbs.  Which is 2lbs down since my last weigh in on January 2nd.

At work, after drinking a couple cups of coffee, I weighed in at 255.8lbs.  But, the nurse did say that the scale tends to be about 3lbs heavier than a regular scale... so I guess I will be able to compare that after a few weigh ins.

I hate being 8lbs heavier than I was the last time I weighed in back in November.  Gaining 8lbs in two months isn't good, but I guess that's what happens when out of two months I was out of work for 5 weeks of that time.  So, it really shows that my work does give me some activity.  My doctor told me that the activity I do at work doesn't count towards getting in any exercise, because it's my regular routine.  Well, if that's the case, explain why I was losing weight while at work and gaining it while I wasn't?

Don't really answer that.  It was rhetorical.  

I know that I can't blame my weight gain solely on the fact that I was out of work so much.  

But, I am back now, and my body should start adjusting back to being on my feet all day, rather than sitting on the couch all day.

In fact, I have way too many aches and pains this morning for my liking.  It actually makes me want to get out and run all the kinks out.  Something I plan on doing today after work.  I have a training all day, so I'll be sitting all day.  I don't want another day of sitting.  I need to be up, and active, and moving.  I hate standing up and feeling tightness and pain in my legs... unless that pain comes from the fact that I've done some serious working out.

I figure after a day of listening to a speaker, I'll need to run off some energy. 

OK, that's it for me today.  Told you it was going to be quick.  I will find out all the details on the challenge and post them when I get them.  

Till next time....

A Little At-Work Weight Loss Competition? Sounds Good!!

                             

Today, I'm going back to work for the first time in 24 days.  What was supposed to be a two week break, ended up being three weeks thanks to some nasty weather we got last week keeping us out for an extra five days.

And, I tell you right now, the WORST thing that could happen to someone who wants to lose weight is to give them an extra five days off work.  Especially when there was snow and ice outside for each of those days.  Kinda drains the motivation level, you know?

But, today, I'm going back.  And I'm not just going back to teacher mode, I'm also going to be stepping in to hardcore weight loss mode... because our school nurse has decided to do something that always seems to light a fire under my caboose:  Make it a competition.

Oh yes.  For the first time in two years, I will be participating in an at-work weight loss competition.  Nothing has been said about prizes or how long it will last or how it will work... all I needed was that one very important word:  COMPETITION.

That should have been my middle name, because that word somehow lights a fire inside of me.  I seek nothing more than the thrill of being a winner.  I don't need a fancy prize, I just like the glory that comes from winning.

Unfortunately, when it comes to weight loss competitions, I've never actually gotten the chance to claim that victory.  I mean, I've participated in weight loss competitions at work before, but haven't won one.  Each time, though, I've come pretty close.  Pretty close still isn't good enough.  No one remembers the person that came in second or third place.  

To go along with my whole "competitive mentality" that I want this year to be about, I thought that the introduction of a weight loss competition would be perfect.  We didn't have one last year, so this is the first (since I've been in the school) they've had.  And my plan is to kick butt and take names.

Even though I'm still sticking to the fact that I won't be "dieting" this year, I did go out this past weekend and stock up on some of the essentials I need.  My Greek yogurt, salad ingredients, lean meats, and veggies.  Like I said last week, I am certain that I don't need to "diet" to eat healthier.  I've been doing it so long, it's almost like second nature.  I know what I can and can't eat to keep me in the  calorie limit that will optimize my weight loss... as long as I've got plenty of exercise to go with it.  As long as I stick to eating my three small meals a day, and drinking my water, I should be fine.  If I'm not? Well, I'll deal with that hurdle if it comes.

To start off with, I'm going to see how I do with walking/jogging intervals.  I'm thinking about starting the Couch to 5K program again.  It's what helped me go from walking to running three miles the last time I got all gung-ho about my exercise, no reason why I can't do it again.  

The original plan was to use the gym after school for some sprinting and calisthenic rotations, but basketball season is starting so the gym will be off limits for a while.  But, that doesn't mean I can't find other ways to make it work.  There's a perfectly good playground at work, when the weather isn't too cold, and I have no problems getting out and about the streets of my neighborhood when I get home to get my work-out in.  

I really feel like this at-work competition will give me the kindling to the fire I want to ignite inside of me. I'm so competitive by nature, and I do my best when I feel like I'm competing.  Plus, I need to get in to training mode if I have any chance of running my first 5K in April.  Which I'm planning on doing, by the way.  Three and a half months to go from being able to jog for a minute or so to jogging three miles?  We shall see.  But it's not like I haven't done it before.  

I weighed myself this morning on my scale, but I'm going to wait and see what I weigh at work...then I'll update on all the numbers tomorrow.

But, right now, I have to go and get ready for work.  Which seems really weird... it's been so long.

Till next time....

Why Am I So Cranky?

                           

Well, this whole New Year thing just isn't turning out the way I had planned.  I come back after being gone a couple of months, I post my New Year plan, I get a comment that rubs me the wrong way, I write a whole post explaining why it rubbed me the wrong way, and then I start a whirlwind of concern from some of my long-time readers and more hatefulness from my not-so-long-term readers.

After writing my post yesterday, I started receiving messages and emails from people asking me if everything was OK.  If I was OK.  That I wasn't acting like my normal, happy-go-lucky self.  I received some emails and a comment basically telling me that I was majorly over-reacting, and that it was my own fault the original commenter wrote what she did, because I had basically said I was going to just keep on eating and hoping that exercise would save me.

And, after reading the original post over and over again, I see how some things could have been misconstrued, but I stand behind my post that I wrote yesterday.  

Carers and haters alike are both surprised by my outburst.  I've received some not-very-nice emails and comments before, but I've never gone off like that.  I overreacted, supposedly.  The original commenter was just sharing her opinion and giving me information that I should know, but maybe needed to hear again, and was giving her take on what I was saying.

Like a comment posted yesterday shows, I did say that I was going to "eat whatever I freaking want, when I want" and that usually means shoveling food in without a care.  

Usually, I'm pretty openminded and accepting of all comments posted - nice or not.

So, why now, am I going all bat s**t crazy over one comment that really wasn't downright mean?

I think one of my biggest problems is the fact that everyone seems to have this "one-size fits all" mentality.  Statistics, diet plans, weight loss gurus all say the same thing over and over and over, and it works for lots of people.  But, not all.

And by that, I mean me.  

I've been battling my weight problem for close to a decade, and yet here I sit still 250lbs.  I've tried every diet out there, followed all the advice, done what everyone else has done that worked for them, and I'm not really any better off for it.

I know that a lot of that has to do with follow through.  It's my own fault.  Had I stuck with what I've been told, and continued doing what everyone else is doing, I would have had the same success.  

But that's the point that has gotten me so cranky and rubbed the wrong way.

If it's not something I can sustain, then it's not going to work.  For me.

Sure, I'm lazy.  I'm not committed.  I'm lacking the true motivation and willingness to put in the hard work that comes with losing weight.  But, at the end of the day, I have tried so hard...and continued to fail.

Like I pointed out in my post yesterday. For the past two years, I've focused solely on my diet.  I've learned everything I can about what foods I should be eating, how much is enough, what foods I should be avoiding or eating more of or eating less of.  Have I followed all the nutritional guidelines to a tee?  No.  But, I can definitely sit here and say that I've spent more time in those two years eating the "right way" versus eating like crap.  

I've lost some weight, I've gained it back.  I can blame my food intake for the gain, I suppose, but gaining 5lbs because I ate pizza one night doesn't really make sense to me.  I gained 5lbs over the course of Christmas break because I know I overdid it.  But, if I look back at my history, I realize that I've basically been maintaining my weight all this time.  

I've decreased my calorie intake, that took off a few pounds for a while.  Then, the pounds starting coming back... even though my eating habits weren't really changing.  I was still eating pretty much the same stuff, yet I was gaining weight again.  I'd cut the calories again... same scenario.  Finally, I got to the point where my doctor said NO MORE CUTTING CALORIES!! He said I wasn't eating enough, and so my body was storing.  How can that be? I have more than enough fat to burn off.. but I also know that starving myself won't get me anywhere.

I tried weight loss pills.  Again, huge success in the beginning, but they started to fail me.  Doctor said they wouldn't do me any good by just watching what I was eating.  Exercise had to be incorporated.  

I, then, started to really think back to my successful year three years ago.  

I started that year weighing almost 300lbs!  I decided to start walking.  Fifteen minutes, three times a week.  And it killed me, but I also felt really accomplished when I had done it.  Then, I was able to up that.  Then some more.  Until I was walking thirty minutes three times a week.  And just by doing that, I lost 40lbs.

At around 260lbs, I did something crazy.  I decided to sign up for a boot camp.  Intense, hard-core, fitness boot camp.  Ninety minutes, three times a week, of calisthenics, running, obstacle courses, pulling HumVees.   At 260lbs, I thought I was basically going to kill myself.  And on most days, I did feel like I was going to die.  But, I got through each session.  No matter how much I was hurting, or puking, or on the verge of tears... I got through EVERY. SINGLE. SESSION.

After I completed the boot camp, the fitness world was mine for the taking.  My next target was running 5Ks.  Just a few months later, I achieved that goal.  Finishing a 5K in a little over 45 minutes.  Then another 5K came, and another.

By the end of that year, I had dropped 80lbs and felt better than I had ever felt in my entire life.  I was strong, fierce, and rocking a body that I was finally proud of.  Even though I was still around the 200lbs mark, I had dropped several inches from my body going from a size 24 down to a size 16... and was almost in to a size 14.  

Then, life got in the way.  Again.  Stress.  Worry.  Feelings of helplessness, that I wasn't good enough.  And all those strong feelings I had worked so hard to get were gone.  Poof.  Just like that.  All because I couldn't find a teaching job, and it cut me to the very core.  I had convinced myself that doing what I had done with my fitness would somehow help me with my job hunt.  When I found out how wrong I was, I let it eat away at me.  Literally.  Falling back in to old habits of eating to medicate.

Since that time, I've managed to get some of my self-esteem back.  Getting my job was a big motivator in that.  I've spent a lot of time evaluating my need to turn to food for comfort, and feel like I've come leaps and bounds from where I was a couple of years ago.  I was sure I could get back on the horse and lose all that weight again... except this whole time I forgot what it was that motivated me in the first place. 

Feeling that rush of adrenaline.  Feeling like a million bucks when I did something I just didn't think my body was capable of.  Having a purpose and focus, rather than just a desire.  

It truly was all about the exercise.  The strength.  The fitness. 

That's what had motivated me to lose the weight.   That's what had helped me drop 80lbs.  The food was just a part of the cycle.  Push my body, burn the fat, fuel it with healthy foods.  

Of course, had I explained this all a few days ago, I don't think I would have gotten the comment I received.  Had I explained what I meant by not following a diet "plan" and focusing entirely on exercise, I wouldn't have had to unleash like I did yesterday.

And that's my bad.

But, one thing I really wish people would understand is that everyone is different.  I don't give a flying hoot what the experts say.  I couldn't care less about who has managed to succeed with whatever plan they were doing.  I am tired of hearing it.  Tired of feeling like I'm doing something wrong if I'm not doing what everyone else is doing.  Tired of being judged or assumptions made about me.  

Yes, I choose to journal my weight loss journey.  Yes, I should expect to get some opinions I don't agree with.  Yes, I totally overreacted about a probably innocent comment that was made.  

But, when I post, I'm not always looking for advice or suggestions or someone telling me what I should or shouldn't be doing.

Believe me, I've tried.  And, none of it has worked.  

And that's not an invitation for someone to tell me why it hasn't worked.  I know why.  Really, I do.  I am the only one to blame.  I am the only reason I am still in the situation I am in.  But, when I feel like I might have discovered the answer for my constant failures, I really don't need someone telling me that it won't work... that I'm setting myself up for failure.

Because, I've failed so many times from doing what others have told me to do, by listening to people tell me what will and won't work.  And for once, I want to try something on my terms.  

I'm a person that needs a focus.  Apparently, just being healthier isn't that purpose.  Apparently, just losing weight isn't even the focus.  If that was the case, I know I would have given much more to the healthier eating lifestyle.  

I have realized that I need physical motivation.  Competition.  Even if it's just with myself.  Not just making my body smaller, but stronger.  I need to accomplish things I didn't think I could.  I need a drive that keeps taking me to the next level.  Keeps challenging me.  Keeps pushing me to do better, be better.  

And I truly believe that it's something to do with fitness.

Maybe it's running.   Maybe it's boxing.  Maybe it's Yoga.  Maybe it's Mud Runs or 5Ks or Triathlons or 

CrossFit.  I have no idea at this point.  But, I know that it's something along those lines.  I can feel it.  

So, I apologize for being a cranky pants the past couple of days.  It's all my fault for not saying all of this from the get-go.  Had I explained these feelings, many of you may have been more understanding about where I was coming from and what I meant.

Of course I know I have to eat healthy.  Of course I know that I have to be meticulous with my diet.  But, I also know that when I'm working out.  Hard.  I fuel my body the right way... the way it's supposed to be fueled.

So, let's start over, shall we? 

A new beginning.  Hopefully, I've explained it all now.. but if there is any question, please don't hesitate to ask.  I know that I've probably scared off people from commenting ever again, but I'm not really like that.  I truly do appreciate and accept opinions and advice, even that of the "opposing" kind.

I just ask that if you feel the need to recite the jargon I've heard so many times before, that you needn't bother.  I know how much I need to focus on what I eat.  I know how much I need to focus on how often I exercise.  I know at the end of the day I either put-up or shut-up.  

But, for the first time in a very long time, I feel like I don't have any stresses I can blame my demise on. I have a happy life.  I've checked off two of the three MAJOR life goals:  Get a teaching job?  Check!  Get a new house?  Check!  Lose weight and become stronger than I've ever been?  There we go.  That's the focus for this year.  It's time.

I promise to get rid of my Cranky Pants as of today.  No more hatefulness from me.  I promise.

OK, Let's Get One Thing Straight!

First off, let me start out by saying a big THANK YOU to those of you that commented on my post yesterday.  Those of you that were showing your support, that is.  It really meant a lot to me to know that after all this time, I still have people that have my back and are rooting for me.  Not everyone has given up on me... and that is a big deal.

With that being said, I had to also receive a comment that was basically what I was expecting.  The whole "you can't just lose weight with exercise, you have to eat right" comment.  To be fair, and not blow the whole thing out of proportion, I'm going to clarify myself today with that comment.

Here's the comment I'm speaking about:

"No workout can out-work a poor diet. You're a not-exactly-young female with a history of being overweight/obese. Your weight is determined by 80% diet, 10% exercise, 10% genetics. Your health is influenced tremendously by your diet...as are your children's choices. Eating what you feel like and thinking you can burn it off doesn't work, 1) because of physiology and 2) because if you're like the vast majority of people, the workouts happen sporadically, if at all, while the food intake is steady and voluminous. The only "plan" you need is to eat real food that contributes nutrition to your body. The portions will adjust themselves shortly as you find that you are much more easily and continuously satiated by eating whole foods and drinking plenty of water (a gallon a day). Exercise is to increase fitness; i.e., strength, flexibility, cardiovascular endurance, etc. --not to burn off crap you ate or buy you permission to eat crap/eat more."

No work-out can out-work a poor diet.  Let's start there.  First off, in yesterday's post I made several remarks about refusing a diet "plan".  Meaning I wasn't going to count calories, eliminate certain foods, or follow some diet plan that has been made very lucrative in the weight loss world.

Now, what I didn't mean by that statement was that I'd be working out and then stuffing myself full of cheeseburgers and fries.  I'm not going to go at this with the mentality that I can have my cake, run a mile, and then eat the whole damn thing.  I'm not the smartest person in the world, but I do know that just because I do some exercise, I won't be able to eat tons of junk food.  

I'm a not-exactly-young female with a history of being overweight/obese.  Ouch!  But, the truth hurts, so I'll give you that one.

My weight is determined by 80% diet, 10% exercise, 10% genetics.  This is one of those statements I love hearing.  I've heard it a THOUSAND times.  Well, make that 1001 now.  But you know what?  That statement is a generalized statement fed to the masses.  In fact, the past two years, my diet is all I've thought about.  I've given 99% to diet, and 1% to exercise...and you know what's happened?  Nothing.  I'm still the same weight I was 2 years ago.  The year before that, my life revolved around about 60% exercise and 40% diet.  I was told to eat better but exercise MUCH MORE.  I lost 80lbs.  I stopped exercising so much, but didn't really sway that far off from the "healthy" meal plans I'd been focusing on...and what do you know?  Gained it all back.

My health is influenced tremendously by my diet... as is my children's.  First off, please don't bring my kids in to this.  All three are in a healthy range.  They are active in sports, eat well, and have normal body weights.  My kids LOVE healthy foods, and don't just sit around all day snacking on junk food.  My youngest, for example, would much rather eat a bowl of carrots than a bowl of chips any day.  Just last night, we had homemade burritos for dinner.  She pulled out the lettuce, salsa, and cheese and ate that with a tortilla.  She also asked for a side of baby carrots to go with it.  She had a small spoonful of the meat, but was perfectly content with just eating the veggies.  Hardly sounds like a kid on the fast track to Obese Central.  My oldest is an avid volleyball player and track participant.  On her off seasons, it's very important for her to maintain her fitness and diet.  Which she does.  My son, who is a football player, has been a little overweight his whole life.  Until this last year, when he hit a growth spurt and evened stuff out.  My kids are given healthy, nutritious foods in my house.  So, don't judge my kids based on my fat behind.

Eating what you feel like and thinking you can burn it off doesn't work, 1) because of physiology and 2) because if you're like the vast majority of people, the workouts happen sporadically, if at all, while the food intake is steady and voluminous.  

I guess this all depends on how you interpret "eating what I feel like" (see next point).  

The only "plan" you need is to eat real food that contributes nutrition to your body. The portions will adjust themselves shortly as you find that you are much more easily and continuously satiated by eating whole foods and drinking plenty of water (a gallon a day)

Again, it's my bad for you interpreting that my not wanting to follow a diet plan automatically means I'm going to be eating a constant supply of McDonald's and Chocolate Eclairs.  I couldn't possibly be saying anything other than that, right?  I mean, when a person who wants to lose weight declares she's not going to diet, that automatically has to translate in to her continuing the binge high-life.  Big Macs?  Bags of chips?  Candy bars?  Cakes and pies?  OF COURSE!!  

For your information, I very rarely eat junk food.  I know, you probably don't believe me.  How on earth could an obese woman be obese and not stuff her face full of junk 24/7... right?  I mean, it's just not scientifically possible that an obese woman who focuses her life on three squares a day, drinks nothing but water and coffee, and even without counting knows that her calorie intake each day is between 1500-2000 (and very rarely does it go near the 2000 range)... because it's been the same kind of food/portions for the past two years while she's focused on nothing but her "diet" be this overweight, right?  

Exercise is to increase fitness; i.e., strength, flexibility, cardiovascular endurance, etc. --not to burn off crap you ate or buy you permission to eat crap/eat more.

Again, thanks for making the automatic assumption that my not wanting to "diet" and focus more on exercise is just my way of giving myself an excuse to load up on more crap.  That's totally understandable to assume.  Even though I made the point that I'm going to continue eating the way I am, you automatically assume - once again - that I'll be relying on my "best friends" Fat and Sugar, right?

Once again, I'd like to point out that I don't really eat that much 'crap'.  Over the past two years, I've actually got myself in to a pretty good mindset when it comes to eating.  The meals in my house are always freshly made, with fresh ingredients.  Veggies are a large portion of our meals.  Protein comes from lean cuts.  Grains are always of the whole-grain variety.  

Now, I'm not going to sit up here on my soapbox and declare that I never put junk in my mouth.  Once in a while, I'll eat some pizza.  Once in a blue moon, my family enjoys burgers and fries at a local restaurant.  I'll even confess that over the Christmas break I ate some chocolate and cookies and pie.  But, that's not my "normal" eating habits.  My problem is mostly on skipping meals.  I admit, I'll skip breakfast once in a while.  If I'm at home I can go an entire day without eating... until dinner time comes around.  But, even those situations have improved immensely over the past year.   Because I knew that I had to eat at least three small meals a day in order to lose weight.

But, again, how is it possible that I am able to maintain not eating that much junk food, eating pretty healthy meals, and not loading myself up with fat and sugar that I'm not losing.. and sometimes even gaining weight?

I'll tell you how... BECAUSE I DON'T EXERCISE!!

Which brings me right back around to where I wanted to be.

You automatically assume that with my declaration yesterday, I'd be another "fatty" who wants to stuff her face full of junk food, make the half-hearted pledge to move a little more, and then expect to drop 100lbs.  Am I right?

Do I have to explain the whole "Ass-u-me" scenario?

Had you taken even the tiniest morsel of time to understand about me is that eating really isn't the problem.  I've been on this diet rollercoaster for so long, that I'm tired of it.  Plan this, log that, count this, subtract that.  It's enough to make my head explode!! And I've been doing it for YEARS!!!  What do I have to show for it?  Nothing.

Well, that's not true.  I have an understanding about what foods I should be eating.  I can now eye up a piece of meat and know how much is a correct "portion".  I can know, to a error margin of 10, how many calories I'm consuming in a day without having to write a single thing down.  I have fully changed my mindset on good carbs versus bad carbs, the value of multi-grain and whole grain varieties, how to select lean protein, and how many calories my body is burning at rest.  

Yet, nothing has changed with my body!!

It's missing one very important factor... and that's the exercise.  I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I can't lose the weight I want to lose by just eating right.  I'm already there.  I already do that.  Have I let myself go too many times?  Sure.  But, I still know how to get right back up on that Healthy Food Horse without books, and apps, and expensive supplements. 

When I lost 80lbs, it wasn't the eating right that did it.  It was the exercise.  Leaning up my muscle, burning the excess fat that's stored up on my body over the years, giving me the rush of adrenaline to make me stronger, giving me pride in accomplishing stuff I didn't think my fat body was capable of, and giving me the notion that I need to fuel my body with healthy stuff.. because why go through all that work just to waste it on a donut?

So, before you judge me or my plans, take a second to read through the lines, sista.  I'm not a beginner.  I'm not walking down this road for the first time. I have tasted the sweet taste of success.  I have trained my brain to know what "fuel" it needs.  But I'm filling up a gas tank that hasn't left the garage in WAY too long.  

Don't tell me stuff I already know.  I appreciate and respect your opinion, but just needed to clear up a few facts.

I in no way, shape, or form plan on giving up the "diet" to eat nothing but junk and expect exercise to swoop in and save me.  I know what the numbers and statistics and all that jazz are.  I am not going to diet.  Period.  I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing with my nutrition... because it's not at all how you assume it to be.  I'm just going to get back up on that exercise pony and ride myself back in to success.  

I've made it a routine to eat right.  Better, at least.  Now, I have to work on making exercise the routine.  That's my focus.  That's the "plan".  If I fail, it will be because I didn't get off that couch and follow through.  It won't be because I just continued eating my way in to oblivion.  

Thanks for the comment, though.

And hopefully, this clears up some of the missing pieces I left out from yesterday's post.

Losing Weight Without a Diet Plan?

                       

With beginning a new year, and a new plan to lose weight, comes the age old question:  What diet plan should I use?

The fact of the matter is, my history has told me that in order to lose weight, I have to follow some kind of diet plan and exercise.  Whether it be one of the fancy, read all the books, diet plans or the simple "eat this many calories" diet plan, something has to be done in order to drop the pounds.

But, what if there was a way to lose weight without being on some strict diet plan?

And didn't that just sound like one of those commercials pushing the Miracle Diet Pills?

What I mean is, wouldn't it be fantastic if I could lose weight without counting calories, writing down everything that goes in my mouth, not having to eliminate certain foods from my diet, or picking a plan that seems to work for everyone else?

The truth is, when it comes to losing weight, I fail because it's too much work.  All the calculating, the logging, the checking ingredient lists, etc.  I hate it.  I do really well for a while, and then I get so tired of all the work... I give up. 

There's just no way to sugar coat it:  I'm lazy.  Plain and simple.  Not about my life in general, but doing the extra work involved with curbing out a diet plan and sticking to it.

For the past two years, my weight loss focus has all been directed to my eating.  What I should and shouldn't eat, when I should eat it, how much I should eat.  Out comes the fancy logging apps on my phone, grocery store visits take twice as long because I'm checking ingredient labels, and I make sure all the measuring cups in my house get used to portion out my food.  And for the most part, each time I've gone to these extremes, I've lost weight.  Then, I start getting lazy, the app doesn't get any use for a couple of days, I'm in and out of the grocery store and hoping I'm getting the right stuff, and my eyes become my measuring cups because it takes too long to measure stuff out.  And then you know what happens?  The weight starts coming back again.

But, when I really think about the time I lost the most weight...and I'm talking the 80lbs I dropped in a year... it wasn't really the food that got me through all of that.  It was the exercise.  

Sure, I logged here and there.  I drank a lot more water.  I swayed away from fatty, fried foods and focused on more healthier choices... but I worked out.  Hard.  A lot.

So, this year, I'm going to try a little experiment.  

It may fail, big time.  And I'm sure plenty of naysayers will be standing in line taking bets on my weight loss demise, but I'm going to give it a go.  See what happens.  Run with it.  Literally.

This year, I am absolutely, 100% refusing any form of diet plan.  Zip.  Zilch.  Nada.

I'm going to eat what I eat, when I eat it.  I'm going to try and be more health conscious with my choices, but there will be NO counting, logging, or measuring.  

What I am going to do is start incorporating more exercise.  Walking.  Jogging.  Get-Fit games on my PS3. Yoga.  And work-out DVDs.  All stuff I enjoyed doing three years ago when I lost the most weight.

I don't recall a single time of my exercise past where I got tired of exercising.  Was it a struggle to make myself do it?  Sure.  But, once I got started, I wanted more.  And was always very happy and felt great once it was over.  The biggest struggle was always the get-up and go.  Which, I've decided, is the one and only struggle I'm going to get over this year.

I know that if I have any chance whatsoever of my little experiment working, I have to make myself exercise.  I really don't want to be sitting here next year lapping up the "I told you so" from every person who will have something negative to say about my thought process.  If there's one thing I hate more than anything, it's being wrong.  Not because I'm wrong, but because I could have been right but didn't follow through enough to prove it.

If I want this experiment to work, I'm going to have to get off my rear end and make it happen.  

I think it would be so awesome to share the story of a girl that didn't go in to crazy diet mode in order to lose weight, but simply started adding exercise in to her routine.  She didn't have to buy special foods, didn't have to log all that food, didn't have to eliminate all the stuff she loved to eat... but still managed to lose weight just by exercising a little more.

And, yes, I know that if I just lose weight by exercising more and not changing my eating habits, I will gain all the weight back the minute I stop exercising.  But, what if I learned to eat better without all the crazy diet expectations, and maintained a routine of exercise?  Made it a habit?

That could work, right?

I know I've said it a thousand times before: I'm going to eat better and exercise more.  But, at the end of the day, the "eat better" always revolved around some form of diet plan and the "exercise more" was a wishy-washy way of saying that if I'm eating right, I really don't have to exercise all that much.

I've always been told that the first step to weight loss was diet.  Exercise is only a small factor in losing weight.  Really?  Then how come I lost 80lbs the year I got my fat behind off the couch 3 to 5 times a week and pushed myself to the limits? I've worked on the diet part every year since... and the weight has all come back. I know, I know, I didn't stick with the eating plan.  THAT'S why I gained it back, right?

I don't think so.  I fully believe that had I stuck with my exercise plan, even fudging on my diet as much as I did, the weight would have stayed away.  It was giving up that active lifestyle that truly did me in.  

So, call me crazy (I know many will), but this year I'm ditching the diet.  No more diets.  Whatever freaking food I want to eat, when I want to eat it.... with a HUGE side dish of exercise. 

On January 1st, I weighed 252lbs.  

Today, I weigh 250lbs.  I've lost 2lbs in a week.  I haven't changed my eating patterns.  I haven't stopped snacking.  I haven't counted a single calorie.  But, I've moved a little more.  I've gotten off the couch a few times and made myself move a bit.

So... weight loss plan #4,327 shall commence.  

Something's got to work.  Something's got to make the weight come off.  And I'm going to try, once again, to see if this is the year I can make it happen.

Call me crazy, if you will... but there's a reason my blog is titled what it is.

I Think 2014 Maybe the Year I Build a Brand New Wagon!!

                          

I know, I know, it's been almost two months since I've posted.  Enough time to make the point that, once again, I fell off the wagon.  

Truth is, I did.  I fell off.  But, not until a couple of weeks ago.  In fact, up until the second week of December, I was actually doing pretty well.  Then we got a big bought of snow that gave us a week off, then we went back to work for a week, and that led in to Christmas break...which I'm currently enjoying at this very moment.

With a new year comes the regular new plan to lose weight.  It is always my number one resolution, and has been for several years.  Some years I've had more success than others, but no year has given me a complete year of weight loss success and then keeping it off.  

This morning, I weighed myself for the first time in a few weeks and I've gained ten pounds.  Am I surprised?  No.  Gaining weight tends to happen when you enjoy late night snacks of chips or pie or handfuls of little chocolates.  And for two and a half weeks out of the last four, I've been at home.  Meaning, sitting around, not moving very much.  

Let's throw in to the mix the fact that my mom had major surgery three weeks ago, putting her in the hospital for five days and me traveling back and forward to see her... eating on the go, at whatever fast food restaurant was on the way.  

I'm surprised it's only 10lbs I've gained.

This year, like all the others, I plan on trying to get the weight off.  What makes this year any different?  Well, I can't say for definite that it will be... except for one major aspect.  This year, I can completely rebuild a new wagon, because I shouldn't be carrying around any extra baggage this year to use as a big, fat excuse.

What do I mean?  

Well, let's take a small trip back in my virtual time machine, shall we?

In 2010, I lost 80lbs.  The first half of the year, I was a junior in college.  It was a non-stressful first half of the year.  Even though I was busy with school, I was only working part-time and made time to participate in a boot camp that was the inspiration for my success that year.  Nothing bad happened.  Nothing overly great happened (besides losing 80lbs!!).  I was the fittest and happiest I had been in a very long time.  I went from a size 24 down to a size 16.  I found a new confidence in myself, and achieved a major milestone when I was able to go from barely able to walk for 15 minutes to RUNNING entire 5Ks.  Then, in August, I started m senior year.  I had to quit my job and went to being a full-time student teacher.  That took it's toll on me, and I started to slip just a little but I ended the year out pretty strong.  That year, I went from weighing almost 300lbs down to around 220lbs.  

In 2011, I finished out my extremely stressful senior year and graduated from college.  Then, I entered one of the most stressful times in my life trying to find a teaching job. Despite some hard efforts to use running as an outlet for my stress, I failed.  Miserably.  I was so happy about graduating, but so distraught when I realized that school was over and the big, bad world was waiting for me.  And there was no one knocking on my door trying to give me a teaching job.  I ended up "settling" for a teaching assistant job right after the new school year started.  I was happy that I found a job in a school, but miserable that it wasn't in my own classroom.  That year, I went from starting the year off around 220lbs and ending it around 240lbs.  

In 2012, I finally had my dream come true.  I found a teaching job.  Finally.  You would think that would mean getting rid of the stress and being able to focus on losing the weight, right? Wrong-O!  Sure, getting the job was a huge stress reliever, but do you know how stressful it is becoming a first year teacher?  The last thing I had time to think about was working out and planning meals properly.  I was working extremely long hours, trying to get my footing in a new school with new students and co-workers, and even though it was a good stress...it was still stress.  

In 2013, I went through another really stressful year.  This time, hunting for a new house and buying one.  Any therapist will tell you that buying a house is one of the most stressful things a couple can go through.  And it was that, indeed.  From the arguing over whether or not we could afford to buy a house, to forcing the situation on Hubby, to looking at tons of houses thinking it was a lost cause, to finally finding the house I wanted but still getting reservations from Hubby, to actually putting in an offer and going through months of paperwork to actually close, to then moving.  Then, the last couple of months of the year, I found out my mom had a life threatening illness that needed quick surgery.  STRESSFUL! I started 2013 off weighing about 240lbs, but that number rose quickly to the 260lbs mark.  I did bring that number back down to the 240lbs mark...but the 10lbs gain I've had the past month has put me back up to the 250lbs range.  252lbs to be exact.

Which leads us to now.  For 2014 there's no college, no job hunting, no life-altering plans.  Just a year of normalcy...whatever that is.  Just doing my job, living my life, and not stressing about too much.  I have my dream job, and I've been doing it for over a year so I've started to find my footing.  I have my dream home, and we've been in here long enough to get our footing with paying the bills and managing the stresses that comes with home ownership.  My mom made it through her surgery and received a clean bill of health, so the worst is over and now the focus shifts to just getting her strength back.  

If I fail, again, this year at losing weight... I will have nothing to blame it on.  No excuses.  It will be my laziness and total lack of willpower.  

So, rather than just jumping back on that faithful old wagon, I think it's high time there was a new wagon.  A brand new one.  Preferably one with a cage and seat belts... because I'm so dang sick of falling off!  

I could sit here like I've done in years past and write a list of all the things I will do to help me lose weight.  I could promise to portion out my food, plan my meals, exercise intensely several times a week, drink more water, etc. etc.  

But this year, that's not my plan.

This year's plan is simple: Take one day at a time.

While successful weight loss revolves a lot around plans, they don't do me any good if I don't stick to them.  I can plan until I'm blue in the face, but if it's nothing more than words on paper... what good are they?

What I need to do is wake up every morning and consciously ask myself "What am I going to do today that will help me lose weight?"  

Maybe that question will lead to me planning out my breakfast and lunch, and packing sensible, healthy foods rather than opting for the food served in the cafeteria.  Maybe that question will lead me to skip any snacks.   Maybe that question will lead me to drinking water and less coffee or soda.  Maybe that question will prompt me in to going for a walk or doing some other form of exercise.  And maybe, just maybe, waking up with that mentality each and every morning might lead to all of those things being done each day, routinely. 

One thing I have learned during the past several years is that I ALWAYS start the year off with the mentality that I'm going to achieve great things.  I am full of motivation and drive.  That motivation usually lasts a while, and then slowly starts to fade.  

It's like starting a marathon off by sprinting.  I can only go so far before my legs give out and I have to give up.

Instead of sprinting from the start line, I want to pace myself.  Maybe even start with just walking.  Small changes.  Small adjustments.  Finding my bearings as I introduce new challenges and focuses, rather than trying them all at once.  

After this many years, I also know that no matter how I look at my weight loss situation, if I don't stick with it I will fail.  Period.  I can explain why I didn't keep my motivation, I can come up with reasons that got me off track... but under the surface of those reasons and lack of motivation is my extreme lack of strength and willpower.  The only two things I need to accomplish the goal I've tried so many years to reach.  

So, here we go 2014.  A new year.  A fresh start.  Could this be the year where my weight loss dreams come true?  Well, only time will tell... but time won't mean anything unless I'm behind the wheel of my new wagon keeping me on course.

Ready for Some Progress Pics??

Well, this post has taken a lot longer to write than I had originally intended.  The plan was to post updated progress pics after every 20lbs lost.  The first 20lbs was supposed to be gone about a month ago... but I just managed to break through the barrier last week.  So, it's time to get those progress pictures, right?

Back in July, when I decided to get back on the weight loss wagon, I weighed 265lbs.  The plan was to lose 20lbs in two months.. but it was slow moving in the beginning.  I finally decided to ask my doctor for some help, and in August, I was given weight loss pills.

The first month, I dropped an amazing 11lbs. Going from 265lbs down to 254lbs. I was so happy with that.  Eleven pounds in a month was awesome...and I figured that month two would be just as successful.  Not so much.  The second month I only dropped a couple of pounds.  I went down from 254lbs to 249lbs.  Still leaving me with four more pounds until that 20lbs lost mark.  

This past week, I finally broke through the barrier, and weighed in at 243.8lbs.  Putting me at a loss of 21.2lbs since August.  

Here is a pic of me in July...weighing 265lbs.

And here is a pic of me, taken last Wednesday, weighing 243.8lbs

The only way to tell the difference, right off the bat, is because of the phone.  I really wish I hadn't blocked my face in the first picture.  But, upon a more thorough check, it does appear that my waist line looks a little smaller.  Sure, there are still bumps and rolls that I'm not happy about, but they look to be quite a bit smaller than in the first picture.

Here's another picture of me when I was at 265lbs...the side view...

And that same pose at 243.8lbs...

Again, not a HUGE difference...but definitely somewhat smaller than the first photo.  Especially in my rear area.  

I, honestly, thought that after losing 20lbs that the differences would be a lot more apparent.  A significant difference.  But, as I'm seeing, that's not so much the case.  Surely, after this next 20lbs is gone, there will be no doubt in the obvious changes between those pictures and my beginning pictures.  

It's a little disheartening to know that I've lost 20lbs and don't really have that much to "show" for it... but it does reinforce how much I really have to lose, which motivates me to keep going.  I'm really pumped to get rid of this next 20lbs because I really want to see the noticeable changes in my body.  I want to look at progress pictures and realize how many changes 40lbs lost can do.

The first 20lbs took me way too long.  I was on track to lose 20lbs in two months, and slipped off the rails a little.  I'm not going to let that happen again.  While I'm not setting any deadlines or goals or timelines, I am focused on seeing the scale go down each week.  

The only way I can do that is to continue doing what I'm doing.  Watching my portions, taking my pills, and making myself exercise as often as I can.  

Despite how long it took, I am proud that I have lost 20lbs.  Sure, I have an extremely long way to go.. but 20lbs is still a significant amount of weight.  Think of two 10lbs pounds of potatoes.  Lifting one of those things is hard enough, but to know that I have lost the equivalent to two of those is quite extraordinary.  

And something to be very happy about.

I've decided that as long as the scale is moving in the right direction, I'm happy.  I know that I have the ability to lose the weight.  I know that I have the willpower.  I will just keep doing what I'm doing...and I'll eventually get to where I need to be.

That's if for me....

Till next time!

Weigh In Wednesday

                                

It's going to be a quick post today.  I have to hurry because I'm dealing with a water leak under our house, and I have to go take a shower pretty soon that will require in and out as soon as possible as to not waste anymore water than necessary.

It's been a pretty stressful week, and that is apparent in my weight today.

Last week, I weighed 244.8lbs.

This week, I weigh 243.8lbs.

I've lost a pound this past week.  A loss is a loss, but it's not exactly much to write home about.  

And do you really want me to write the same old stuff?  

I've decided that as long as the scale is moving in the right direction, I won't beat myself up too much. I know I could be doing a lot more, but the small efforts I am making are having some impact...and that's better than nothing.

I know some people will translate that last paragraph in to me starting to give up.  That's NOT true.  I'm just tired of being so negative about my weight loss.  I know what work has to be done, and if I'm not doing the work I have no one else to blame but myself.

I'm pretty stressed out right now, and if I can still make it through that stress by watching what I eat, and managing to lose a little weight... I can be OK with that.

I am very happy that I made it through Halloween without going crazy on candy.  That's a victory.  There is and has been candy in my house since Halloween.  I'm not going to say I haven't eaten any of it, but what I have eaten has been a small piece here and there.  Far from overdoing it.  

I have been packing my lunch each day, and I've been on a soup thing for a little over a week.  I've been buying those low calorie, throw in a microwave and eat kind.  They aren't the most healthy option in the world, but they don't hurt my calorie intake, they fill me up, and I love the variety of flavors that I can choose from.  There aren't any more calories in a bowl of that soup than there is in a sandwich.  So, I figure it's not that bad of a choice.

All in all, I'm just happy that there is some weight loss.  

And, now I need to go and hurry and take a shower.

Weigh In Wednesday: Finally Moving in the Right Direction....Again!

                            

It's been three weeks since I posted a Weigh In Post.  Mostly because there hasn't been any weight lost in the past three weeks.  In that time I've been holding steady at 246lbs, wondering if I'd ever break through that plateau.

To be fair, I can't really call it a plateau.  A plateau is when you stop losing weight while still doing everything you can to lose the weight....and it means you have to up your game.  I hit a wall because I stopped trying.  To lose, anyway.  I was managing to maintain, which meant I wasn't doing anything my doctor told me I needed to be doing.

This past week, I've gone back to trying again.  Eating 1200 calories a day.  Taking my pill.  There hasn't been any steady walking, and I really have no reason why.

What I can say is that since last week, I've lost 1.2lbs.  This week, my scale says 244.8lbs.

A month ago, I was dying to get to that spot.  To be under 245lbs...and to have lost more than 20lbs.  But, because it's taking me so stinking long to get to it, its kinda lost its pazazz.  

Losing 20lbs in 2 months was going to be awesome.

Losing 20lbs in 3 months, just isn't as awesome.

I will take some pictures this morning when I go get dressed so you can see the difference from three months ago and today.  Although I'm really hoping that it won't be 3 months until I can post the next set of progress pictures.  

Of course, these next two months are going to be TOUGH!!  Halloween is just a day away.  Thanksgiving is just a month away.  And Christmas will follow a few weeks later.

This is usually the time of year where I start thinking that it's not worth trying to lose weight.  Just focus on sensibility as to not gain it all back.

I can't do that, this time.

My doctor has told me that if there is no weight loss, there's no pill.  And even though I know I could lose the weight without the pill, I'm also confident that the pill is giving me the boost I need.  It doesn't curb my hunger, but it does curb the cravings.  I can eat... but I can't eat as much.  And the pill also messes with my senses.  Smells that I used to find absolutely irresistible are now kind of nauseating.

But that only happens when I'm taking the pill.

The minute I start to falter, the cravings come back.  The over eating comes back.  And the irresistible smells are once again irresistible.

In the three weeks that I maintained, I took my pill maybe a couple of times.  And even after visiting the doctor the last time, and hearing his warnings about not getting the pill anymore if it wasn't helping, I didn't jump right back in to taking it.  Somehow, I was trying to convince myself that I didn't need it.

But, I started taking it again this week...and BAM.  Down another pound.

While I don't want to become subservient to the pill, and depend on it being the only way to lose the weight, I do feel that it's helping kick start my motivation.  The proof is in the pudding that I'm not ready to fly solo.  I absolutely, 100% believe that when I'm ready... when I've lost enough weight to really keep the momentum going... I'll be ready to say goodbye to the pill without putting the weight back on.  I maintained for 3 weeks without the pill, I know that I'll be just fine when I do decide to give it up for good.

So, there we are.  Finally back on the horse and losing the weight.  

Even though I'm not as stoked for reaching this milestone... only because it took so long... I will say that I do feel pretty happy.  I can see the changes my body has started to make.  I can feel some of the differences.  

Last night, as I was walking out to my car after a very long Family Night at work, one of my coworkers stopped me.  She wanted to tell me that even though she hasn't said anything before, she had noticed that I was really looking good.  

It was perfect timing for such a wonderful compliment.

It meant a lot for her to say something, and I know that she meant it.  It turned around my whole perspective on my visual success....and I got to leave with a big smile on my face.

Yes, I am starting to look better.  Still have a long way to go until I believe I look "good"... but I'll get there.

PLUS, if I can lose weight over the next couple of months, then NOTHING will ever stand in my way.  I'm confident and ready to prove to myself that holidays or no holidays, my weight loss comes first!!

OK... next time you hear from me, I'll have progress pictures to share.

Till next time!!

Weekly Check-In

I really don't mean to only be writing here once a week.  I just really don't have that much to share, and then I find that I get myself in to a rut of repeating the same thing over, and over, and over again.

I'm doing OK.

I'm still hanging in there.

Even though the kids' sports all ended, last week wasn't any less crazy or busy.  I spent Monday and Tuesday night at Parent Teacher conferences.  Tuesday, I didn't even get home until midnight because Butter had his last football game - that I couldn't go to - so after I was all finished with conferences, I had to wait until he got back...and it was close to 11PM.

I did get two days off of work this week, though.  And the sad part is that even though I got time off work, I really didn't do much with those days.  In terms of helping my weight loss situation.  It would have been a perfect time to get out and do some walking...but I didn't.  I wanted to rest.  I wanted to relax.  

I have been a little better about taking my pills this week.  And watching what I've been eating.  I haven't logged everything I've eaten, but my decisions about what I have eaten have been more sensible.  

These past few weeks I've felt like a failure.  I've felt like I've slowly been falling off the side of a cliff.  At times I am desperately trying to hold on, and others I think it would be easier just to let go.  

I had such spirit and motivation a couple of months ago.  And so much success.  I lost a HUGE amount of weight that first month, and I'm not sure why that wasn't enough to keep me motivated to continue doing what I was doing.  But it wasn't.  I've had to be so diligent with myself.  Stopping myself doing something I know I'll regret, eating too much.  And it's a hard pill to swallow.  

Yesterday, I decided to put away all of my summer clothes and get out my fall/winter closet.  As I was unpacking the cute sweaters and pants, I wondered to myself if the pants would even fit.  They are size 18, most of them.  Have I lost enough for them to be used?  Or will I be left with a bunch of clothes hanging in my closet that don't fit?

One good thing is that I haven't gained any weight since I last checked in.  I'm still teetering around the 246lbs mark.  That's what I weighed on Wednesday, however, I haven't checked since then.  I'm maintaining my weight, but I still weigh far too much to get to such a plateau.  I know I haven't stalled losing weight because I'm at a point where I need to up my game.  It's simply following through on what I was doing.  Being consistent with 1200 calories a day, for one.  And then if I did the walking my doctor told me to do, I know that the weight would disappear.  

So, why is it such a mental game to get myself to do it?

It's not as though it's hard.  I'm not really having to do a lot of work to do those two little things.  I plan my food, I go for a walk.  Simple.  Yet, I'm the person that makes it 100 times harder than it needs to be, and is the main reason why the scale hasn't moved in a few weeks.

I think back a few weeks to the amount of people that were noticing the changes I was making.  I was receiving daily compliments and questions about what I was doing to lose the weight.  People were noticing that my body was starting to look a little different.  

Those have all stopped now.  Changes aren't as apparent anymore.  No, I haven't gained anything back... but by this point in time I should be another 20lbs or so lighter.  I should be celebrating another notch down in the belt buckle, another size down in my pant size, pictures of solid change.

I honestly don't know what's wrong with me.  Yes, I'm having a little pity party for myself...something else I said I'd stop doing.  But it's frustrating.  Being at the controls of my own body and mind, yet still having so much trouble getting them to do what I want them to do.  I have the desire, but I suck at the follow through.

I'm not going to give up.  I can't.  I'll hold on to the edge of the cliff for as long as it takes.  

I just need to focus on taking one day at a time, again.  I'm convinced that at some point, something will click inside of me to really fuel my fire and get me off my caboose to losing MAJOR weight.  Until that happens, I just have to mentally take tiny little steps.  Get through a day without slipping on my food intake.  Taking my pill.  Eating three meals and calculating the calories.  Just little steps in the right direction.  

Hopefully I'll be here on Wednesday showing some form of a gain.  Let's all keep our fingers crossed.  

People tell me all the time how hard weight loss is... but, when I sit down like I am right now, I realize that it's really not.  It's more about giving up a lifestyle that becomes so comfortable... so easy.  The steps to lose weight are all VERY easy.  But, it's the follow through.  The mindset.  The complete and utter change to the comfortable and normal that's the difficult part.

And that's the stuff I need to focus on right now.

Till next time!