Why Am I So Cranky?

                           

Well, this whole New Year thing just isn't turning out the way I had planned.  I come back after being gone a couple of months, I post my New Year plan, I get a comment that rubs me the wrong way, I write a whole post explaining why it rubbed me the wrong way, and then I start a whirlwind of concern from some of my long-time readers and more hatefulness from my not-so-long-term readers.

After writing my post yesterday, I started receiving messages and emails from people asking me if everything was OK.  If I was OK.  That I wasn't acting like my normal, happy-go-lucky self.  I received some emails and a comment basically telling me that I was majorly over-reacting, and that it was my own fault the original commenter wrote what she did, because I had basically said I was going to just keep on eating and hoping that exercise would save me.

And, after reading the original post over and over again, I see how some things could have been misconstrued, but I stand behind my post that I wrote yesterday.  

Carers and haters alike are both surprised by my outburst.  I've received some not-very-nice emails and comments before, but I've never gone off like that.  I overreacted, supposedly.  The original commenter was just sharing her opinion and giving me information that I should know, but maybe needed to hear again, and was giving her take on what I was saying.

Like a comment posted yesterday shows, I did say that I was going to "eat whatever I freaking want, when I want" and that usually means shoveling food in without a care.  

Usually, I'm pretty openminded and accepting of all comments posted - nice or not.

So, why now, am I going all bat s**t crazy over one comment that really wasn't downright mean?

I think one of my biggest problems is the fact that everyone seems to have this "one-size fits all" mentality.  Statistics, diet plans, weight loss gurus all say the same thing over and over and over, and it works for lots of people.  But, not all.

And by that, I mean me.  

I've been battling my weight problem for close to a decade, and yet here I sit still 250lbs.  I've tried every diet out there, followed all the advice, done what everyone else has done that worked for them, and I'm not really any better off for it.

I know that a lot of that has to do with follow through.  It's my own fault.  Had I stuck with what I've been told, and continued doing what everyone else is doing, I would have had the same success.  

But that's the point that has gotten me so cranky and rubbed the wrong way.

If it's not something I can sustain, then it's not going to work.  For me.

Sure, I'm lazy.  I'm not committed.  I'm lacking the true motivation and willingness to put in the hard work that comes with losing weight.  But, at the end of the day, I have tried so hard...and continued to fail.

Like I pointed out in my post yesterday. For the past two years, I've focused solely on my diet.  I've learned everything I can about what foods I should be eating, how much is enough, what foods I should be avoiding or eating more of or eating less of.  Have I followed all the nutritional guidelines to a tee?  No.  But, I can definitely sit here and say that I've spent more time in those two years eating the "right way" versus eating like crap.  

I've lost some weight, I've gained it back.  I can blame my food intake for the gain, I suppose, but gaining 5lbs because I ate pizza one night doesn't really make sense to me.  I gained 5lbs over the course of Christmas break because I know I overdid it.  But, if I look back at my history, I realize that I've basically been maintaining my weight all this time.  

I've decreased my calorie intake, that took off a few pounds for a while.  Then, the pounds starting coming back... even though my eating habits weren't really changing.  I was still eating pretty much the same stuff, yet I was gaining weight again.  I'd cut the calories again... same scenario.  Finally, I got to the point where my doctor said NO MORE CUTTING CALORIES!! He said I wasn't eating enough, and so my body was storing.  How can that be? I have more than enough fat to burn off.. but I also know that starving myself won't get me anywhere.

I tried weight loss pills.  Again, huge success in the beginning, but they started to fail me.  Doctor said they wouldn't do me any good by just watching what I was eating.  Exercise had to be incorporated.  

I, then, started to really think back to my successful year three years ago.  

I started that year weighing almost 300lbs!  I decided to start walking.  Fifteen minutes, three times a week.  And it killed me, but I also felt really accomplished when I had done it.  Then, I was able to up that.  Then some more.  Until I was walking thirty minutes three times a week.  And just by doing that, I lost 40lbs.

At around 260lbs, I did something crazy.  I decided to sign up for a boot camp.  Intense, hard-core, fitness boot camp.  Ninety minutes, three times a week, of calisthenics, running, obstacle courses, pulling HumVees.   At 260lbs, I thought I was basically going to kill myself.  And on most days, I did feel like I was going to die.  But, I got through each session.  No matter how much I was hurting, or puking, or on the verge of tears... I got through EVERY. SINGLE. SESSION.

After I completed the boot camp, the fitness world was mine for the taking.  My next target was running 5Ks.  Just a few months later, I achieved that goal.  Finishing a 5K in a little over 45 minutes.  Then another 5K came, and another.

By the end of that year, I had dropped 80lbs and felt better than I had ever felt in my entire life.  I was strong, fierce, and rocking a body that I was finally proud of.  Even though I was still around the 200lbs mark, I had dropped several inches from my body going from a size 24 down to a size 16... and was almost in to a size 14.  

Then, life got in the way.  Again.  Stress.  Worry.  Feelings of helplessness, that I wasn't good enough.  And all those strong feelings I had worked so hard to get were gone.  Poof.  Just like that.  All because I couldn't find a teaching job, and it cut me to the very core.  I had convinced myself that doing what I had done with my fitness would somehow help me with my job hunt.  When I found out how wrong I was, I let it eat away at me.  Literally.  Falling back in to old habits of eating to medicate.

Since that time, I've managed to get some of my self-esteem back.  Getting my job was a big motivator in that.  I've spent a lot of time evaluating my need to turn to food for comfort, and feel like I've come leaps and bounds from where I was a couple of years ago.  I was sure I could get back on the horse and lose all that weight again... except this whole time I forgot what it was that motivated me in the first place. 

Feeling that rush of adrenaline.  Feeling like a million bucks when I did something I just didn't think my body was capable of.  Having a purpose and focus, rather than just a desire.  

It truly was all about the exercise.  The strength.  The fitness. 

That's what had motivated me to lose the weight.   That's what had helped me drop 80lbs.  The food was just a part of the cycle.  Push my body, burn the fat, fuel it with healthy foods.  

Of course, had I explained this all a few days ago, I don't think I would have gotten the comment I received.  Had I explained what I meant by not following a diet "plan" and focusing entirely on exercise, I wouldn't have had to unleash like I did yesterday.

And that's my bad.

But, one thing I really wish people would understand is that everyone is different.  I don't give a flying hoot what the experts say.  I couldn't care less about who has managed to succeed with whatever plan they were doing.  I am tired of hearing it.  Tired of feeling like I'm doing something wrong if I'm not doing what everyone else is doing.  Tired of being judged or assumptions made about me.  

Yes, I choose to journal my weight loss journey.  Yes, I should expect to get some opinions I don't agree with.  Yes, I totally overreacted about a probably innocent comment that was made.  

But, when I post, I'm not always looking for advice or suggestions or someone telling me what I should or shouldn't be doing.

Believe me, I've tried.  And, none of it has worked.  

And that's not an invitation for someone to tell me why it hasn't worked.  I know why.  Really, I do.  I am the only one to blame.  I am the only reason I am still in the situation I am in.  But, when I feel like I might have discovered the answer for my constant failures, I really don't need someone telling me that it won't work... that I'm setting myself up for failure.

Because, I've failed so many times from doing what others have told me to do, by listening to people tell me what will and won't work.  And for once, I want to try something on my terms.  

I'm a person that needs a focus.  Apparently, just being healthier isn't that purpose.  Apparently, just losing weight isn't even the focus.  If that was the case, I know I would have given much more to the healthier eating lifestyle.  

I have realized that I need physical motivation.  Competition.  Even if it's just with myself.  Not just making my body smaller, but stronger.  I need to accomplish things I didn't think I could.  I need a drive that keeps taking me to the next level.  Keeps challenging me.  Keeps pushing me to do better, be better.  

And I truly believe that it's something to do with fitness.

Maybe it's running.   Maybe it's boxing.  Maybe it's Yoga.  Maybe it's Mud Runs or 5Ks or Triathlons or 

CrossFit.  I have no idea at this point.  But, I know that it's something along those lines.  I can feel it.  

So, I apologize for being a cranky pants the past couple of days.  It's all my fault for not saying all of this from the get-go.  Had I explained these feelings, many of you may have been more understanding about where I was coming from and what I meant.

Of course I know I have to eat healthy.  Of course I know that I have to be meticulous with my diet.  But, I also know that when I'm working out.  Hard.  I fuel my body the right way... the way it's supposed to be fueled.

So, let's start over, shall we? 

A new beginning.  Hopefully, I've explained it all now.. but if there is any question, please don't hesitate to ask.  I know that I've probably scared off people from commenting ever again, but I'm not really like that.  I truly do appreciate and accept opinions and advice, even that of the "opposing" kind.

I just ask that if you feel the need to recite the jargon I've heard so many times before, that you needn't bother.  I know how much I need to focus on what I eat.  I know how much I need to focus on how often I exercise.  I know at the end of the day I either put-up or shut-up.  

But, for the first time in a very long time, I feel like I don't have any stresses I can blame my demise on. I have a happy life.  I've checked off two of the three MAJOR life goals:  Get a teaching job?  Check!  Get a new house?  Check!  Lose weight and become stronger than I've ever been?  There we go.  That's the focus for this year.  It's time.

I promise to get rid of my Cranky Pants as of today.  No more hatefulness from me.  I promise.

OK, Let's Get One Thing Straight!

First off, let me start out by saying a big THANK YOU to those of you that commented on my post yesterday.  Those of you that were showing your support, that is.  It really meant a lot to me to know that after all this time, I still have people that have my back and are rooting for me.  Not everyone has given up on me... and that is a big deal.

With that being said, I had to also receive a comment that was basically what I was expecting.  The whole "you can't just lose weight with exercise, you have to eat right" comment.  To be fair, and not blow the whole thing out of proportion, I'm going to clarify myself today with that comment.

Here's the comment I'm speaking about:

"No workout can out-work a poor diet. You're a not-exactly-young female with a history of being overweight/obese. Your weight is determined by 80% diet, 10% exercise, 10% genetics. Your health is influenced tremendously by your diet...as are your children's choices. Eating what you feel like and thinking you can burn it off doesn't work, 1) because of physiology and 2) because if you're like the vast majority of people, the workouts happen sporadically, if at all, while the food intake is steady and voluminous. The only "plan" you need is to eat real food that contributes nutrition to your body. The portions will adjust themselves shortly as you find that you are much more easily and continuously satiated by eating whole foods and drinking plenty of water (a gallon a day). Exercise is to increase fitness; i.e., strength, flexibility, cardiovascular endurance, etc. --not to burn off crap you ate or buy you permission to eat crap/eat more."

No work-out can out-work a poor diet.  Let's start there.  First off, in yesterday's post I made several remarks about refusing a diet "plan".  Meaning I wasn't going to count calories, eliminate certain foods, or follow some diet plan that has been made very lucrative in the weight loss world.

Now, what I didn't mean by that statement was that I'd be working out and then stuffing myself full of cheeseburgers and fries.  I'm not going to go at this with the mentality that I can have my cake, run a mile, and then eat the whole damn thing.  I'm not the smartest person in the world, but I do know that just because I do some exercise, I won't be able to eat tons of junk food.  

I'm a not-exactly-young female with a history of being overweight/obese.  Ouch!  But, the truth hurts, so I'll give you that one.

My weight is determined by 80% diet, 10% exercise, 10% genetics.  This is one of those statements I love hearing.  I've heard it a THOUSAND times.  Well, make that 1001 now.  But you know what?  That statement is a generalized statement fed to the masses.  In fact, the past two years, my diet is all I've thought about.  I've given 99% to diet, and 1% to exercise...and you know what's happened?  Nothing.  I'm still the same weight I was 2 years ago.  The year before that, my life revolved around about 60% exercise and 40% diet.  I was told to eat better but exercise MUCH MORE.  I lost 80lbs.  I stopped exercising so much, but didn't really sway that far off from the "healthy" meal plans I'd been focusing on...and what do you know?  Gained it all back.

My health is influenced tremendously by my diet... as is my children's.  First off, please don't bring my kids in to this.  All three are in a healthy range.  They are active in sports, eat well, and have normal body weights.  My kids LOVE healthy foods, and don't just sit around all day snacking on junk food.  My youngest, for example, would much rather eat a bowl of carrots than a bowl of chips any day.  Just last night, we had homemade burritos for dinner.  She pulled out the lettuce, salsa, and cheese and ate that with a tortilla.  She also asked for a side of baby carrots to go with it.  She had a small spoonful of the meat, but was perfectly content with just eating the veggies.  Hardly sounds like a kid on the fast track to Obese Central.  My oldest is an avid volleyball player and track participant.  On her off seasons, it's very important for her to maintain her fitness and diet.  Which she does.  My son, who is a football player, has been a little overweight his whole life.  Until this last year, when he hit a growth spurt and evened stuff out.  My kids are given healthy, nutritious foods in my house.  So, don't judge my kids based on my fat behind.

Eating what you feel like and thinking you can burn it off doesn't work, 1) because of physiology and 2) because if you're like the vast majority of people, the workouts happen sporadically, if at all, while the food intake is steady and voluminous.  

I guess this all depends on how you interpret "eating what I feel like" (see next point).  

The only "plan" you need is to eat real food that contributes nutrition to your body. The portions will adjust themselves shortly as you find that you are much more easily and continuously satiated by eating whole foods and drinking plenty of water (a gallon a day)

Again, it's my bad for you interpreting that my not wanting to follow a diet plan automatically means I'm going to be eating a constant supply of McDonald's and Chocolate Eclairs.  I couldn't possibly be saying anything other than that, right?  I mean, when a person who wants to lose weight declares she's not going to diet, that automatically has to translate in to her continuing the binge high-life.  Big Macs?  Bags of chips?  Candy bars?  Cakes and pies?  OF COURSE!!  

For your information, I very rarely eat junk food.  I know, you probably don't believe me.  How on earth could an obese woman be obese and not stuff her face full of junk 24/7... right?  I mean, it's just not scientifically possible that an obese woman who focuses her life on three squares a day, drinks nothing but water and coffee, and even without counting knows that her calorie intake each day is between 1500-2000 (and very rarely does it go near the 2000 range)... because it's been the same kind of food/portions for the past two years while she's focused on nothing but her "diet" be this overweight, right?  

Exercise is to increase fitness; i.e., strength, flexibility, cardiovascular endurance, etc. --not to burn off crap you ate or buy you permission to eat crap/eat more.

Again, thanks for making the automatic assumption that my not wanting to "diet" and focus more on exercise is just my way of giving myself an excuse to load up on more crap.  That's totally understandable to assume.  Even though I made the point that I'm going to continue eating the way I am, you automatically assume - once again - that I'll be relying on my "best friends" Fat and Sugar, right?

Once again, I'd like to point out that I don't really eat that much 'crap'.  Over the past two years, I've actually got myself in to a pretty good mindset when it comes to eating.  The meals in my house are always freshly made, with fresh ingredients.  Veggies are a large portion of our meals.  Protein comes from lean cuts.  Grains are always of the whole-grain variety.  

Now, I'm not going to sit up here on my soapbox and declare that I never put junk in my mouth.  Once in a while, I'll eat some pizza.  Once in a blue moon, my family enjoys burgers and fries at a local restaurant.  I'll even confess that over the Christmas break I ate some chocolate and cookies and pie.  But, that's not my "normal" eating habits.  My problem is mostly on skipping meals.  I admit, I'll skip breakfast once in a while.  If I'm at home I can go an entire day without eating... until dinner time comes around.  But, even those situations have improved immensely over the past year.   Because I knew that I had to eat at least three small meals a day in order to lose weight.

But, again, how is it possible that I am able to maintain not eating that much junk food, eating pretty healthy meals, and not loading myself up with fat and sugar that I'm not losing.. and sometimes even gaining weight?

I'll tell you how... BECAUSE I DON'T EXERCISE!!

Which brings me right back around to where I wanted to be.

You automatically assume that with my declaration yesterday, I'd be another "fatty" who wants to stuff her face full of junk food, make the half-hearted pledge to move a little more, and then expect to drop 100lbs.  Am I right?

Do I have to explain the whole "Ass-u-me" scenario?

Had you taken even the tiniest morsel of time to understand about me is that eating really isn't the problem.  I've been on this diet rollercoaster for so long, that I'm tired of it.  Plan this, log that, count this, subtract that.  It's enough to make my head explode!! And I've been doing it for YEARS!!!  What do I have to show for it?  Nothing.

Well, that's not true.  I have an understanding about what foods I should be eating.  I can now eye up a piece of meat and know how much is a correct "portion".  I can know, to a error margin of 10, how many calories I'm consuming in a day without having to write a single thing down.  I have fully changed my mindset on good carbs versus bad carbs, the value of multi-grain and whole grain varieties, how to select lean protein, and how many calories my body is burning at rest.  

Yet, nothing has changed with my body!!

It's missing one very important factor... and that's the exercise.  I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I can't lose the weight I want to lose by just eating right.  I'm already there.  I already do that.  Have I let myself go too many times?  Sure.  But, I still know how to get right back up on that Healthy Food Horse without books, and apps, and expensive supplements. 

When I lost 80lbs, it wasn't the eating right that did it.  It was the exercise.  Leaning up my muscle, burning the excess fat that's stored up on my body over the years, giving me the rush of adrenaline to make me stronger, giving me pride in accomplishing stuff I didn't think my fat body was capable of, and giving me the notion that I need to fuel my body with healthy stuff.. because why go through all that work just to waste it on a donut?

So, before you judge me or my plans, take a second to read through the lines, sista.  I'm not a beginner.  I'm not walking down this road for the first time. I have tasted the sweet taste of success.  I have trained my brain to know what "fuel" it needs.  But I'm filling up a gas tank that hasn't left the garage in WAY too long.  

Don't tell me stuff I already know.  I appreciate and respect your opinion, but just needed to clear up a few facts.

I in no way, shape, or form plan on giving up the "diet" to eat nothing but junk and expect exercise to swoop in and save me.  I know what the numbers and statistics and all that jazz are.  I am not going to diet.  Period.  I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing with my nutrition... because it's not at all how you assume it to be.  I'm just going to get back up on that exercise pony and ride myself back in to success.  

I've made it a routine to eat right.  Better, at least.  Now, I have to work on making exercise the routine.  That's my focus.  That's the "plan".  If I fail, it will be because I didn't get off that couch and follow through.  It won't be because I just continued eating my way in to oblivion.  

Thanks for the comment, though.

And hopefully, this clears up some of the missing pieces I left out from yesterday's post.