Diary of a Mad, Fat Woman

BYOC - I Got Plenty of Crazy to Share

2012-02-10T15:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

This morning's blog has been on my mind all day. Partly because it was a pretty solemn post, and today wasn't that bad of a day. I realized that while Butter's "issues" are pretty bad, they're nothing compared to what I was dealing with this time last year. It's a process that will take time to work out, and I'm prepared to put the time in. Peanut's situation is out of my control. There's nothing I can do about it right now. Dwelling on it will just make it worse - so it's better to just take one day at a time and let things play out as they fall.

I didn't go to the gym, yet again, tonight. The wheezing in my chest is still pretty bad. I had problems just walking up and down the hallways today - it sent me in to a coughing fit every time. I thought it just better to give myself a few more days to get it out of the way...and will have a fresh, healthy, gung-ho start on Monday. It means I won't be able to claim my $5 bonus next week for working out 3 times this week - but I'd rather be healthy and giving 110% than sick and making it worse with hacking and coughing.

In order to end today off on a positive note - as it needs to be - I decided to do Drazil's BYOC. That always puts me in a good mood. We answer 5 questions in an effort to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break. Copy to your own blog if you wish and ENJOY!

1. Name a Valentine gift you would NOT want to receive.

This is a tough one to answer, cause I'd be happy with any Valentine gift. I am lucky enough *insert sarcasm* to have a hubby that doesn't believe in celebrating Valentine's day. He's convinced it's just another holiday motivated purely on commercialism. Although, he did buy me a gift this year...and just doesn't realize that I will look at it as a Valentine's gift. This afternoon, he upgraded our phones, and ordered me the new iPhone 4S - that will arrive on Tuesday. Sorry, Hubby, but I'm pretty sure that's Karma calling saying it's about damn time you got your woman something fancy for Valentine's.

2. What’s your vacation personality? Do you act/eat/talk/do things differently or completely opposite from when you are not on vacation?

Like Draz, vacations are very far and few between for me. The last vacation I had was 3 years ago, when the family and I spent 4 days in Hot Springs, AR. It's a small, touristy town that has a theme park and historic landmarks as it's main attraction. I enjoyed myself, though, mainly because a) I don't get many vacations and b) I was in a historical place and the beauty and calmness of the surroundings had me at peace.

I like vacations that relax me. I want a place I can sit and relax - a beach, a cabin in the woods, something along those lines. I am very laid back and calm in those situations. I can't remember a vacation in which my personality changed... but then again, trying to recall what I did on my vacations is hard enough without having to remember how my personality was.

3. Describe yourself in 5 POSITIVE words.

Loving
Loyal
Dedicated
Caring
Fun

I could also use those same 5 words to describe my dog. HA! I kid, I kid. Not really.

4. Do you have any phobias or irrational fears or dislikes?

I am absolutely terrified of spiders. That's the one thing I've always been afraid of. Have no reason to be except that majorly creep me out, and I can't be within 100 feet of one. Even spiders on TV or the computer send me in to near panic attacks.

In regards to irrational fears? Well, I developed a whole bunch of them after having kids. I have no idea why, but I suddenly became terrified of heights. I used to be a girl that would go on the highest, craziest rides at fairs and theme parks - but now? It takes a lot to get me on anything that has some height to it. I don't like flying. I can tolerate it, and I'll do it, but I don't like it. Which was another dislike that appeared after having my kids. To further add to that list: I can't ride in a car without wearing a seat belt. I am terrified of driving or being in a car when there's snow on the road. I also have a fear of jumping bugs (crickets, grasshoppers), frogs, mice, and rats.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blog land and in real life.

Blog land has been pretty good. Being able to post positive stuff about my weight loss has been amazing. It's been so long since I've been able to share how I've enjoyed exercising and eating right and drinking lots of water. This morning I blogged a little about some other stuff that's going on with me right now, and it was nice to be able to get it off my chest.

Real life, I've been sick. That's put a damper on being able to work out. I was going strong Saturday, Sunday, and Monday but by Tuesday, I was wiped out. My body has some form of crud that's in my nose, throat, and chest. It's making my breathing shallow and sore - which when mixed with exercise becomes unbearable.

OK, that's it for today. I feel much better now that I'm leaving my blog on a positive note for today.

Till next time. ;)
\

Let's Change The Topic, Shall We?

2012-02-10T03:49:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

This week has been mostly about exercise. Or being sick. I make myself laugh, sometimes, when I start something new - and that's all I talk about here for days and days. I often feel some deja vu, and then realize I haven't experienced the moment before - I just realize I already wrote about it a few days ago.

I don't like being stuck on a single topic for days on end, but when I chose to write about weight loss - sometimes that happens. Look what happened when I wasn't eating healthy and exercising - boy, did that topic get old. Don't get me wrong, I like sharing the goods. Being stuck on a topic like exercising is a good thing. There's nothing wrong with it. But, sometimes I bore myself with coming up with yet another post to write with my plans to go to the gym, or what I did while I was there. And I'm only a week in.

Now, don't mistake my want for changing the subject for today's blog post as a sign I'm getting bored with the gym. On the contrary. I've missed it quite a bit these past couple of days while I've been sick. Just because I don't want to write about it doesn't mean I'm not wanting to go. Just wanted to make that clear.

Let's talk a little about what's going on in my world, shall we? I'll be honest, it's been a tough week. Trying to keep up with kids while my throat and chest are on fire has been tough. But that's not what I'm talking about. It's been tough mentally.

Butter has been having a few issues this week. A few issues that concern me quite a bit. I had his parent teacher conference last night, and left almost in tears. I think one of the hardest challenges I face is having a child that doesn't like school. As a teacher, that's on the verge of heartbreaking. I often have to take a step back and realize that Butter's school history has never really been pleasant. He's had major issues since Kindergarten. A lot of his dislike for school came from a school district that considered Butter too much to handle, and never took the time to get to know him or give him a chance or try to help.

He's not in a district like that anymore, yet he just can't face that fact. He keeps pushing his teacher away. He keeps pushing the boundaries of the rules, and it seems like he's going out of his way to break those rules. It's become an almost daily battle that has me worried, no make that petrified that if this behavior continues, his shot at a "normal" public school setting is going to be taken off the table. That breaks my heart. I just want him to be happy. I want him to enjoy being at school. I want him to realize that there's going to be things he has to do that he may not like, but everyone has those feelings - yet they deal with them. It's so tough.

On the flip side, I also had Peanut's conference this week. The situation was the complete opposite of Butter's, yet I still left feeling sad inside. Peanut has always performed well in school. She enjoys learning. She loves to read. She's blossomed from a recluse in to a social butterfly. Her need to please others was her biggest issue in the last school district. She dealt with bullying and ridicule. She had very few friends and often felt outcast from the other kids. And now? Well, she's as happy as a fish in water. She's found a school that she loves, friends that love her, and has teachers that challenge her and keep her on her toes - which make her want to succeed even more. Even though she's always been a student to make good grades, the grades on her report card Tuesday were some of the best I've ever seen.

So, why did I feel so sad after leaving her conference? Well, because now I'm terrified that next year that may all be taken away from her. If I don't get a teaching job at the school I'm in now, or the three other elementary schools in the district that feed in to Peanut's middle school, she'll have to leave. I'll have to take her away from the one place that makes her so happy. Rip her away from the relationships she's built, and the teachers she loves. The place that has finally been able to break her out of her shell and made her realize that she doesn't have to worry about being the most popular girl to have friends, and that it's OK to be smart. It's a big weight to carry on my shoulders.

While I've been portraying my "I've finally found my mo-jo" attitude, I've also been dealing with a lot of emotional baggage. Being a mom is tough. No, it's positively the hardest freakin' job on the planet. There's often heartache around every corner. I do my best, but sometimes I feel like that's not good enough. All I want is for my kids to be happy. I will do anything to make that happen. But sometimes I just don't have the right answers or the plan that can magically make that happen. Sometimes that decision is left to the hands of others - or the kids themselves - and that's very scary.

This weekend, I plan on having an emotional cleansing. I'm going to spend the day with the one person that can listen, give me suggestions, and make me feel better. My mom. Well, actually both my parents should be included in that - but I'm spending the day/evening with my mom. It goes to show how my parenting values were instilled inside of me. When the going gets tough - I run home to Mommy and Daddy. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I hope that after a day with my mom, she'll be able to add a fresh perspective to my situations and give me a ray of hope to hang my hat on. She's very good at that. And, while I'm out with my mom, my dad will be at home spending some time with Butter - and giving him the lessons of life that my dad passed down to me.

I'm staying positive that once this weekend is over, I'll feel better. But, I've got to get through today. I'll do it. The best way I know how. With a smile on my face, love in my heart, and positivity seeping through my skin. I can't fix my problems by holding on to negativity. That only makes the problems worse. Today is a new day with new possibilities. I'm ready to grab a few of them - and run!

Till next time. ;)

It's OK to Change Things Around

2012-02-09T03:25:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

I didn't go to the gym last night. I'm not happy about it, and I actually kinda regret not going, but with the hacking and wheezing I was doing yesterday - I figured it was best to give myself another day off to recover.

I told myself all day long that no matter what, I was going to the gym. I didn't care that I was exhausted from not getting much sleep the night before, or that my cough was getting more frequent throughout the day, or that my chest was getting tight and uncomfortable. Until it was actually time to go to the gym. Then, all I could imagine was me getting on a piece of equipment, I'd start hacking and coughing, and someone would mistake my cough and shallow breathing for a heart attack, and I'd end up with an ambulance. Totally paranoid, I know, but it was enough for me to say maybe one more day was needed.

I wish I could say that I'm better this morning, but I'm not. Not really. I have a feeling it's going to take several days to get all the crud out of my chest. I realized, though, that I don't have to go to the gym and do some crazy cardio work-out while I feel like this. I could go and focus on doing some light weights, getting my circuit training in. That would be something. Not as strenuous on my chest, but still getting my body moving and burning some calories. Unfortunately it won't be tonight because I have parent teacher conference - but I will get back to the gym tomorrow night!

This sickness couldn't have come at a worst time. My first week devoted to going to the gym is crucial at building a routine. Thankfully, I'm pretty ticked off about not going last night - and I have to keep that fire burning. I know that I have to give my body time to heal when it's sick. There's no shame in that. It just means I pick up the slack once my body is back to 100%.

This weekend is going to put a little damper on going to the gym. I'm going to my parent's house on Saturday and probably spending the night. That will mean having to improvise while I'm there. Just because I won't have the gym doesn't mean I can't get in some exercise. One thing I've realized, pretty quick actually, is that I can't lose momentum. The minute I start to slack off, I run the risk of losing my mo-jo. I've got to keep myself moving and pumped by getting my exercise in.

Even though I'm very early in to my New Me outlook, it's imperative that I realize I can't revolve my life around the gym. I'm going to have plans on the weekends. There's going to be situations that cause me to skip the gym. With that, I have to realize that I don't just get a No Exercise card. No, it means I have to improvise, come up with an alternative plan, find a way to still get in some exercise - even if it is outside the comfort of the gym. While I'm confident and comfortable with the gym being my main source of calorie burning, there are going to be times when I just have to figure out something else to do.

This weekend, for example, I figure I can run some laps down my parent's driveway. It's a tenth of a mile long, ten laps gives me a mile. I could alternate jogging and walking. If I really wanted to get crazy, I could walk the 3.4 mile loop around her house. Ahh, I remember the days when I used that loop as my 5K training. Once upon a time, like a year ago, I was able to jog 90% of that loop. It sure would be nice to get back to doing that.

Which reminds me, I haven't forgotten that I'm going to be doing the Race for the Cure in April. It's still on my radar. I will be doing it regardless of whether it's jogged or walked. I'm thinking I may bow out of the competitive run this year. I'm not sure my body will be ready for it - but I'm not making that decision just yet. You never know, I may go all crazy and realize that I could get the training I need in by April.

OK, I've bantered on long enough for today. If my whole body got as much exercise as my fingers do each morning - I'd be running marathons by now!

Till next time. ;)

Weigh In Wednesday and Some Biggest Loser Chat

2012-02-08T03:19:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

It's weigh-in day. I wasn't excited this morning, because I just knew I was going to see a gain. I can feel the luggage Aunt Flo has brought with her in the form of bloating...and it sucks! My fingers are all puffy and swollen, and I'm retaining water faster than the Titanic.

I did have a gain, but not as bad as I thought it'd be. My weight last week was 238.6lbs. My weight this week is 239.4lbs. A gain of 0.8lbs. I'm a little surprised, because I'm used to at least a 2-3lb gain whenever Aunt Flo is in town. Maybe that means that all the exercising I did this weekend did have some affect on me, but I guess we'll have to wait until next week to find out. I do know that despite not earning any money in my Reward Jar from losing weight, I still get to add $5 just because I worked out three times this week. That's at least something.

It's definitely frustrating having a gain after working out so much. Well, so much compared to how much I was working out before (aka none). But, I've also been down this road before. I know that working out the last few days of the week before a weigh in isn't going to magically cut off a bunch of weight. I also know that I should take a gain of less than a pound and be very grateful for it with it being this certain time of the month. Less than a pound is so much better than a 3lbs gain... which is what I feel like it should be with how bloated I am.

I also know, after watching about 5 seasons of the Biggest Loser that it's quite common to have a not so good week after a good week. Last week, I lost 2.6lbs. That's the most I've lost at once this year. It's no surprise that this week wasn't going to be so great.

Speaking of Biggest Loser. Can I just get a big UGH!!? Don't worry, I'm not going to spoil anything. I know that some people don't watch the show the night it's on thanks to DVRs, so I'll hold off on my actual rundown of the show. I will say, though, I'm very disappointed.

I didn't start watching the Biggest Loser all those years ago because I was so addicted to reality TV that I just couldn't let another reality show pass me by. In fact, I'm not a huge fan of reality TV because it's usually not very realistic. I started watching because a friend of mine reached out and said "Hey, if you want some motivation to help lose weight, you should check out Biggest Loser. It's so motivational". And you know what? She was right! I would watch the show and think every single week "If they can do it weighing 300+ pounds, then so can I!" But that's not happening this season.

This season has been such a big disappointment. Well, that's not fair. If the black team was the only team playing - and Roy a/k/a Santa from the Red team and Kimmie a/k/a the older lady still remaining on the red team - I'd be totally content. But alas, that's not the case. There's also the rest of the red team. And they make my blood boil so much that I just want to say goodbye to the show and cut my losses now.

I'm not going to sit here and pretend that BL hasn't upset me before. There has been drama in the past. There's been arguments in the house, there has been game playing, and there has been some really annoying alliances - but to my recollection, there has NEVER been so much hateful, backstabbing, brutal bullying than what I've seen this season. The red team seemed to have completely lost sight of why they are at the ranch in the first place. And that makes me very sad.

Seriously, the past couple of episodes could be used in schools to demonstrate the ugly, hateful effects of bullying. Kim and Conda are no better than two spoiled ass rich girls who have nothing better to do than be in everyone elses business and making their lives a living Hell. And apparently, they're not happy doing it alone. Now they feel the need to drag other people in to the mix. It's so disappointing.

This season may be the season of No Excuses, but it's also the season of No Love. The one thing that really touched my heart about the show. It used to be a show where the team, despite the thought that only one of them could win the prize, would work together. They'd support each other. They'd rally for each other. Their hearts would literally break from the thought of having to vote someone off and say goodbye to a team mate. Not just that, but my heart would break about anyone having to go home. Now? I'm sitting there begging and praying that two women would get cast away from the show forever. I find myself sitting there cursing and frustrated. I don't like it one bit.

I know that NBC thought it might be a good idea to bring some drama in to the house. The show is pretty clean cut. People watching know what to expect - despite the continual curve balls and surprises that are often thrown in to the mix. But that's where we got our drama - from finding out that couples were being broken up, gym privileges might be taken away, or something along those lines. NOT a couple of two-faced, stuck up witches being thrown in to tear the self esteem and motivation apart of other players - and the people watching at home. I just hope that NBC are keeping note of the Twitter action that takes place each week - cause it ain't pretty. I'm not the only one to have these views. I read thousands of Tweets last night from people who feel the same way I do. The drama and bullying just has to go!

OK, I'll step off my soap box - for now. I'm going to give the show one more week - just to see how last night's shocker (or probably lack thereof) plays out with the rest of the house. If it's what I'm expecting to happen? Well, I'll be done with Season 13, and will just wait and hope that Season 14 doesn't follow the same path.

Till next time. ;)

True Confessions Tuesday.. Finally Some Good Confessions?

2012-02-07T06:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

It's time for my weekly installment of confessions. Could it be that this week things will be different? Is it possible that for the first time in too many months to keep track of that I actually post some positive confessions? Let's see...

I confess that I'm sick. Again. I'm the only person I know that gets horribly sick for one night, then feels fine for two days, and then gets smashed with feeling like crap again. Yesterday, I woke up with a raspy voice and a sore throat. I went to work, not thinking much of it, but it got significantly worse throughout the day. I'm home today because I woke up this morning hacking, and Jelly also has it.

I confess that despite feeling like ca-ca yesterday afternoon and not wanting to go the gym at all, I still made myself go. I'll wait and soak in the applause. Oh, you were too shocked to clap? Well, snap out of it and cheer for me - I deserve it!! My throat and chest felt like I'd swallowed a hot poker, yet I still made myself go to the gym. That deserves, at least, a little WOO HOO!!

I confess that I took it easy at the gym. Took it easy as in only doing 15 minutes on the treadmill and 15 minutes lifting weights. I don't think that's too bad when I was having trouble breathing and it hurt to swallow. I didn't just walk on the treadmill, either. I did intervals of 60 second jogs with 90 second walks. That's pretty darn awesome considering how I felt, if I do say so myself.

I confess that I'm super duper stoked that this week will be the first week of claiming my $5 bonus for getting in 3 work-outs for the week!! If you remember, and you may not being that it's been a month since I posted about it, I started a reward jar to claim my monetary rewards for my success. Working out three times in a week earns me a $5 bonus. And I'm claiming that bonus this week after working out Saturday, Sunday, and yesterday. Go me!!

I confess that I'm kind of expecting a small gain on the scale tomorrow. I know that sounds weird after the rays of positivity I've been shining, but Aunt Flo is here. The witch always brings about 2 to 3lbs of luggage when she arrives, so I'm not going to be totally shocked if I see a little gain tomorrow. Being that I just started working out, I can't expect my body to have dropped a ton of weight in 3 days - so I'm crossing my fingers that my effort will definitely be put on display this time next week.

I confess that apart from my birthday cake that I ate last Wednesday night, I've only eaten not so good one day out of the entire week. That would have been Friday. It was Soup In A Bowl day at work (you know, for the Super Bowl), and the break room was full of all kinds of goodies. I ate two small bowls of soup and a couple of brownies. Oh, and some cheese dip with chips. It may not sound like much, but it was. The brownies were made of chocolate chip cookie dough, Oreo cookies, and brownie mix. Yeah. The worst combination wrapped together in the best treat ever.

I confess that the rest of the week I've eaten pretty well, or at least cut down my portion sizes significantly. I ate salads two days last week for lunch, I've been eating only one smaller portion for dinner, and I've been guzzling down my water each day.

I confess that I even had the willpower to skip out on free pizza at the gym last night. You are sitting down while reading this, right? There may be just too much shock for your system to handle if you're standing. Planet Fitness does this promotion on the first Monday of the month in which you get to eat free pizza after your work-out. It's to promote the fact that you can treat yourself once in a while, as long as you enjoy in moderation. I saw the pizza arrive. I saw them setting it all up. I then made a quick dash to the door. I was NOT going to take part. It's a great promotion, but I'm just not ready for something like that.

I confess that instead of eating pizza, I opted for grabbing a Cliff protein bar when I stopped at the store on the way home. I wish I hadn't. It was my first time eating a Cliff bar, and it will be my last. I didn't care for it one bit. It was soft and mushy and gross tasting. It was the first protein bar I've ever tried that disappointed me so much.

I confess that I feel amazing. Well, despite the whole being sick thing. I feel like I've done a complete 180 with my mindset and my actions. They are now starting to harmonize and get along. My body is doing what my head wants it to do, and it's a fantabulous feeling. Being at the gym the past couple of days has shown me that I still have a massive fire burning inside. I have strength, dedication, and the ability to overcome my obstacles and move mountains (from my behind).

And, there, I think I'm done.

Wow, how weird it feels to read my confessions and not cringe or groan or sigh. Isn't it amazing how a little exercise has completely changed my outlook and mood? I knew it was the last ingredient needed to make this recipe a success... but I just needed a little push from a gym opening up right across from my work to help put it all together.

I know that three days isn't enough to say that I've magically transformed and will never back track again. But being able to turn myself around and start moving in the right direction is sometimes the hardest part of the journey. I've made that step. Yes, it took a little longer than expected. The first month of the year was a complete wash, but I still have 11 months to go of this year. That's a long time. A lot can be accomplished in that time - and I know that I can make up for lost time. Just try and stop me!

Till next time. ;)

That Moment When You Realize No One is Looking...Yet You Still Work Your Behind Off

2012-02-06T03:13:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

What an awesome weekend it's been. OK, Friday night wasn't awesome because I was sick and slept the whole time... but the rest of the weekend was awesome.

I really feel like I've earned some bragging rights over the past couple of days. I've done more in the past two days in regards to exercise than I did for the whole months of December and January combined. That doesn't really sound like much to brag about, I guess. It really means I did absolutely nothing in the form of exercise for the past two months - but I still worked hard these past two days.

I am very proud and totally bragging when I say I worked my behind off yesterday. For 80 minutes I pushed through the pain, and made every minute count. There was no stopping me. I just kept going and going and going. Think Energizer Bunny. I was in some kind of exercise high, yesterday, because I just didn't want to stop. I kept moving to the next piece of equipment, the next exercise, giving it my all. I made every minute count - and by the time 80 minutes was up, boy did I know it.

I started out on the machine that looks like an elliptical but isn't. Well, come to find out, it is. It's called an Arc. You ever heard of those? It's a type of elliptical with a more limited range of motion. Instead of doing a movement that resembles running, it goes more along the line of skiing - up hill. I decided to ask one of the employees there what the differences were between the arc and the elliptical. He basically said that the arc will burn twice as many calories as an elliptical or a treadmill, and will burn the muscles in your thighs, glutes, etc. and went on with the spill about the benefits of the arc versus the other pieces of equipment. My mind wasn't paying attention at that point, he had me at "burns twice as many calories". So, I decided to give it a go.

Within about 30 seconds, I could totally tell that this machine was going to be one of my nemesis. It's freakin' hard! I've never been skiing, let alone trying to ski uphill, but if it really is anything like an arc machine - you can count me out! Although, I've set my mind of conquering that machine. Eventually. I started out with 15 minutes. I don't know how I got through it, but I did. I kept the machine at a low incline, and just pushed as hard as I could to get through what was supposed to be my warm-up. By the time the 15 minutes were up, my legs felt like a bowl of Jell-o.

After the arc, I moved on to circuit training. I did the 12 minute ab circuit. It was awesome. Hard as heck, but kinda fun too. It was similar to the circuit training I did on Saturday, yet this was all focused on abs. It was different forms of ab crunch machines, with a stretching machine in between each crunch machine. Even though I got through the circuits, I realized I have plenty of room for improvement.

After the ab circuit, I went and did the full body circuit training. Let me point out here I'd already done 15 minutes on the arc, 12 minutes on my abs, and was now doing 30 minutes of full-body. I think I did even better than I did on Saturday. I made sure I really pushed through the burn. I wouldn't let myself slack off one bit.

Which brings me to something else I want to point out. It dawned on me this morning that for the first time in a very long time, I held myself accountable for getting the most out of my work-outs. No one was watching me. No one was keeping tabs. I was completely on my own. I had the perfect opportunity to slack off whenever I wanted - but I didn't. I could have gone to the gym yesterday, sore muscles in tow, and just taken a leisurely walk on the treadmill. I could have skipped the intense circuits. I could have - but I didn't. I let my sore muscles fuel my fire to show myself that I still had it. I was still strong. I could still perform a great work-out. And that's what I did.

After the full body circuits I hit the treadmill for 15 minutes at a 2% incline at 3mph, and then finished with the stationary bike for 7 minutes. I will admit, I had intended on doing the bike for 15 minutes - but I pushed really hard, and realized that 7 minutes was enough. I went 1.5 miles at a speed of 12 during those 7 minutes. I was dripping with sweat. My entire body had received a good going over. I was ready to call it a day, and I'm ready to pick it up where I left off today.

Today is going to be the real test. Going to the gym on the weekends is pretty easy. I mean, I had nothing else going on, I went in the mornings of both days. I wasn't tired after a long day of work. I was energized. Today, I'll get to see how hard I can push myself after a day at work. I'll tell you right now, it won't be as intense as the past couple of days - just because I have to go easy on myself. I know that. That's not an excuse, either. It's a precaution to make sure I don't get any injuries. Going from zero exercise to over two hours of exercise in a matter of two days has left my body... well, how should I say it? Urm, hurting? No, that's not right. Really sore is a better way to describe it. I'm not in pain, I'm sore. But I don't want to get to a pain level - I just want to maintain a soreness level. I figure if I go today and get some cardio and strength in, I can rest tomorrow and get back to blasting my body on Wednesday.

Can you believe that this is the same person who spent so long blogging about being in a rut that she just couldn't get out of? Well, believe it. I know it's only a couple of days in - but I truly feel like a different person. I promise not to just talk about my work-outs every day. That would get pretty old pretty fast. But I will be sharing how amazing I feel that I'm back on track. Cause that's what I am. Back on track.

Till next time. ;)

Sore Muscles, How I Have You Missed You!!

2012-02-05T07:12:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

Well, I did it. I actually did it. For the first time in several months. I burned up a sweat. I got my heart racing. And I loved every grueling second of it!

Arriving at Planet Fitness yesterday made me think that I finally knew what Charlie Bucket felt like the minute he got to enter the gate of Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. I was so nervous and excited walking up to the door. As I walked in, I had to stand there for a second to take it all in. It was a beautiful sight. Purple and yellow walls, brand spanking new equipment as far as the eye could see, flat screen TVs in front of all the treadmills, ellipticals, and whatever the machines were that kind of look like ellipticals but aren't. It also hit me straight away how empty the place was. I mean, for opening day, I expected the place to be pretty busy - but it wasn't. There was may be a couple of dozen people there, mostly people wandering around getting tours.

While standing there, probably looking like an idiot, I was greeted by a very friendly voice. It was an employee welcoming me to the club. He asked my member number, pointed me in the direction of the locker room, and told me to not hesitate to ask if I had any questions. I had questions, but I was so excited to just get started I marched myself straight to the locker room. The locker rooms were nice. Simple, but nice. I put my stuff in a locker, realizing that I probably need to invest in a lock - because locks weren't provided - and hit the gym.

I decided to start on the treadmill. It's the one place I feel comfortable. I've worked with treadmills for several years, so I was pretty confident that I could figure one out on my own. I did. The treadmill board looked more like a space craft operating system, but I was able to push a couple of buttons to select a program and off I went. I went with the level 1 weight loss program that provides 2 minute intervals of a zero incline and level 2 incline. I upped the speed to a 3, and I even jogged at a 4 at one point. By the time the 30 minutes were up, I was a little sweaty - but I had just gotten started.

I decided to mosey on over to an area that I had been told about when I first signed up at the gym. The 30 minute, circuit training, full body work-out zone. There were 20 stations that were controlled by a stop light. When the light was green, you worked. When the light was red, you moved to the next station. Every other station was a step in which I had the power to decide a cardio move to use. Every other station was a weight machine. Four machines focused on upper body, three focused on lower body, and three focused on core.

I was lucky enough to have a couple of people who were in the middle of the stations that could point me in the right direction and explain to me how it worked. I started on my first step. The first three weight stations were lower body - which killed me after doing 30 minutes on the treadmill and mixed in with the steps. But, by the time I was on the 6th or 7th station, I had found my groove - and was giving it everything I had. I even upped the cardio a little on the steps by doing leg lifts and cross overs - rather than just plain ol' steps. By the time the 30 minutes were up, I was completely drenched in sweat and felt my work-out in every part of my body.

At that point, I didn't want to leave, but I had to. I had to go and pick up Peanut. To say that I didn't want to leave has to resonate on you for a second. I had worked out for an hour, and I wasn't ready to stop. I wanted to keep going. I wanted to explore the fancy equipment, I wanted to try the other exercise station area - that is called 6 Minute Abs. I wanted to try the elliptical looking thing that isn't an elliptical. But, alas, I just had to go.

But that's OK, cause it's left me wanting to get my behind there this morning to do all of those wonderful things. And I don't really have a time limit today. I can do as much as I want. And if it's as empty as it was yesterday, I'm going to stop an employee for a second so that they can give me a better understanding of the equipment - give me a super short idea how it all works and where I should be focusing my work-outs.

When I got home yesterday, I was feeling my work-out. Mostly in my knee. That was something I kinda knew would happen because, well, I've let my weight creep up to "knee pain" limit. I didn't lose my knee pain before until I was below 220, so I'm probably going to be dealing with it for a while. The good thing, though, is that I know my limits and I know how to take care of it. What I also felt when I got home yesterday was a tremendous increase in my energy level.

I went grocery shopping after the gym. Once I got home, I just didn't want to sit down. I did my laundry. I finished cleaning my room, after the cleaning out of my closet from last week. I cleaned up the kitchen. And when I did sit down, I was wide awake. In fact, I wasn't ready for bed until 11pm last night - and even then, I laid in bed not really tired. After one little work-out, I had already changed. Any other Saturday, after going grocery shopping and doing laundry - I would have been wiped out. I'd go straight to the couch and probably sleep. Then, I'd still go to bed early for even more sleep.

This morning when I woke up, I felt the tingling in my legs that I was happy to have. That feeling that proves I was on the right track yesterday. I'm not surprised that the soreness is all in my legs - I pushed those puppies hard yesterday. Today, I want to focus more on upper body. I'm intent on finding a happy medium between cardio and strength training. Although, using circuit training like I did yesterday will take care of that. What a genius idea for a gym to come up with.

Yesterday, a fire was lit inside of me. The one that I knew would come, eventually. The calling of success. The screaming of hard work. The whispering of accomplishment. They were all in my head. I can't wait to go back to the gym this morning. In fact, I'm going right now....well, as soon as I'm done here.

Join me in welcoming the New Me. She's here for the duration, now, I can feel it. Goodbye excessive pounds - soon you will be gone... forever.... and I won't miss you one bit. Hello fitness warrior. I've been waiting for you for a long time. I can't wait to get to know you better. I have big plans for you and I. I'm ready to have you as a friend on this journey. And the journey begins, again, now.

Till next time. ;)

The Day Had Finally Arrived!! Planet Fitness Opens TODAY!!

2012-02-04T06:05:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary....

The day has finally arrived that I've been waiting for. The day where I let all my excuses fly with the wind. The day where I can start moving my tushy, and getting on the fast track to being a lean, mean, fat burning machine. I don't even care that I'm sick and feeling miserable.

Let's talk about that for a second, shall we? Thursday night, I started getting the sniffles. I put it down to the fact that the weather around these parts has been bordering more on spring than winter. I actually have fresh, green grass growing down my driveway. In February. So, I figured my sniffles were probably unseasonable seasonal allergies. All day yesterday my sniffles stuck around, moving down in to my throat. By the time I got home last night, I knew that there were no allergies - I was dealing with a cold. I could barely breath, and kept feeling like I was drowning. It even made me throw up because it caused me to choke and gag. It was horrible!

Shortly after eating dinner, I started shivering. Like uncontrollable, couldn't get warm shivering. I had a thermal blanket, a fleece blanket, and a comforter on me - and still couldn't get warm. I bundled up as best as I could, and went to sleep on the couch. That was about 6:30 last night. I woke up shortly after 9 and went to bed. Even though the shivers were gone, I could still feel a fever. I tried to bundle myself up some more, and went back to sleep. I woke up at 4:30am, drenched in sweat, knowing that I had finally broken my fever. I went back to sleep and woke up at 7. I feel much better. I'm still a little sniffly, but I can breath, and I don't feel like ca-ca.

OK, back to the gym. You know me well enough to know that if I had exercise planned, a cold would be the perfect excuse to get out of it. But not this time. I'm not letting it get in my way. In fact, I received a little sign Thursday night that I was meant to be at the gym today. Peanut's friend's mom called to ask if Peanut could spend the night with them on Friday. I have to drive to town to pick Peanut up this morning - that just so happens to be pretty close to the gym. So, I have no excuse to stay at home today. I was being set up by fate to make sure that my behind was at least in close vicinity to the gym today - and to the gym I will go.

I'm not sure how much exercise I'll actually be able to do today - being that it's opening day at the gym. I've got this picture in my head of me showing up at the gym and it looks more like a fair than a gym. There will be mass hysteria while special stuff is happening, like radio stations and celebrity guests and games and all the bells and whistles that comes with a new business opening up. Don't worry. I've already planned on going back tomorrow morning. Hopefully it won't be too crazy this first week. I've got big plans, and I can't have anything getting in the way of that. Even if I can only get a treadmill or an elliptical for an hour - that's much better than nothing.

I'm sure that once the "new gym smell" has disappeared, the craziness will die down, and I'll be able to get in a discover the other wonderful features the gym has to offer. Right now, though, it's just about getting any form of exercise in.

I've been counting down to this very day for a month. The month has felt like forever. I started to think this day was never going to arrive, but it has. Finally. I feel like a kid that just got the latest and greatest video game for their birthday. I have so much hope and dedication and excitement brewing inside of me. Big changes are coming my way, and I'm ready to embrace them with open arms.

So, bring it on Planet Fitness. Show me the power of the Judgement Free Zone. Give me the power I need to make all my fitness dreams come true. It all begins today!

Till next time. ;)

Biggest Loser Breakdown...Or Teardown, Depending How You Look At It

2012-02-03T03:22:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

I have just got to vent today. It can't be helped. I haven't stopped thinking about it all night. It's driving me nuts.

Who else is NOT liking this season of Biggest Loser and would like nothing more than to see Conda and Kim get a big F U from the house and be kicked off and have everyone stand outside and laugh at them as they go? OK, maybe that's a little harsh. But not untrue.

This week's episode of The Biggest Loser 13 was the most disappointing, annoying, and irritating episode I have watched of the show EVA! If you haven't watched this week's episode then I'll give you a courtesy SPOILER ALERT!!!! But you may just want to read what I have to say and spare yourself the time of actually watching the show because yes, it's that bad.

This week, the aqua team got their chance to stand on the scale to see if they'd earned a spot back in the house. It was apparent from Conda and Kim's faces the minute the aquas walked in that they didn't like it one bit - and trouble was brewing.

The aquas stood on the scale. Daphne went first and lost a whopping 26lbs. Then it was Adrian's turn. I knew straight away he'd lost a big number. He looked really good. His number? 36lbs gone!! So, they had done it. They had earned a spot back on campus - to the obvious dislike to, again, Conda and Kim. The aquas then had a mini squabble over what trainer they wanted.

Now, I'd like to take everyone back to the first day on campus when the couples realized that they wouldn't be couples anymore - and that each couple had to decide on which trainer they were going to be with. Do you remember that some of the couples both wanted Bob, and were kind of disappointed when they found out they were being split up? Yeah, me too. But because the aqua team did it, there was a lot of cattiness that poked it's ugly head out about the aquas playing rock, paper, scissors for Bob.

From the first minute, I knew that Adrian was going to be one of those contestants that was loud and proud. Does that bother me? Absolutely not. He had determination written all over his face. He knew that he had been given a second chance, and wasn't about to let that be taken away from him. Did anyone on his team see it? NOPE!!! They immediately started calling him out on his claims of working out 14 hours a day and busting his rear end just as hard as they had been. I'm not going to say that I completely believe he was working out 14 hours a day. But his number on that scale reflected similar numbers of other contestants that have been on the ranch for 4 weeks - so I can't argue with the fact that he had definitely been working his behind off.

I was also in tears after hearing Adrian pour his heart out to Dolvett about the loss of a child. Adrian shared that the cause of his weight gain had been the death of his prematurely born daughter. She had been born about 3 months early, and Adrian was able to hold her in his arms before she passed away. He then explained that he has another baby on the way, and wanted to be the man he used to be for his new child - not a man still grieving over the loss of his other child. I could really tell he meant everything he said. He was going to change. He was going to fight. He was in it to win it - not for the money, but for his health.

Then the stupid drama and cattiness started from Kim and Conda. Oh how I loathe those women. One of the things I've always loved about The Biggest Loser is the fact that there's hardly any drama. Is there the occasional squabble in the house? Sure. Is there the accusations of "game playing" and conniving going on? That's going to happen with a game. But have I ever seen downright meanness and hatefulness from two women who would do better in a 5th grade classroom than on a weight loss ranch? NO!!

I'd like to point out here that Kim was very close to being in the shoes of the aqua team. She was up against them for the final challenge that decided the last team to be granted access to the ranch. The pink team made it by the skin of their teeth. But now? Oh, Kim is pissed that the aqua team was given a second chance. I would really like to ask her what would have happened if she was the one to have been sent home the very first night? Would she have completely disagreed with the pink team getting a chance to earn their way back on the ranch? Would she have bitched and moaned about earning a place back on the ranch? Of course not!!

The whole time the red team was working out, Adrian proved his worthiness to be back. He not only kept up with the work-out but he also proved to be a little better at it. He was the only member of the team able to get across some monkey bars. He was the only member of the team that didn't bitch and moan about running their treadmills at a 9, 10, and then 11. Was he dying and crying after it? Nope. Not like two other women I won't mention.

The beginning of the challenge then ticked me off even more. Do you remember in the beginning how Conda got one of the players voted off because he was "disrespectful" to her brother? Which seems to be a trend with her, because that's what she accused Adrian of doing, also. Those other players were the disrespectful ones. Yet, at the challenge, Conda and Kim stood around making fun of Adrian, bad mouthing him, and even threatening to kick him at one point. Yeah, real grown up there ladies. I don't use this word very often - but they were a couple of BITCHES!!

I was so happy that the red team lost the weigh in. Pretty much everyone on campus pulled crappy numbers. The aquas also pulled pretty crappy numbers. Adrian only lost 2lbs, and Daphne only lost 1lbs. They both blamed the fact that being in a new place with a new diet had taken it's toll. I'd like to point out that Conda also only lost 2lbs. But then she stood on the scale with her crocodile tears about how hard she'd worked and was devastated to see that number and everyone felt sorry for her. If she dedicated as much time to her working out as she does running her mouth, I'm pretty sure that girl would see double digits lost each week. Yet, on Adrian only losing 2lbs? Adrian was immediately accused of "playing the game" because he had immunity. UGH!!

In the end, Nancy was voted off. I agree that it was time for her to go. She hadn't really competed in any of the challenges, and she had the least amount of weight left to lose. I was also kind of happy when Adrian piped up about him being accused of playing the game - yet the team was voting off their weakest player so that it benefited the team. Valid point. Of course it was met with nasty comments and reactions from Kim and Conda.

This episode really left me torn. I watch The Biggest Loser because I love the dedication of the people that have been given the opportunity of a lifetime to change their lives for the better. It gives me hope. It encourages me. Yet, last night, I didn't feel any of that. I felt like I was watching just another reality show that racks in the ratings based on how much drama takes place. That's NOT what The Biggest Loser is all about.

I can't help but feeling that if this catty, childish, petty drama continues - my time with this season will come to an end. I can't watch if I'm left feeling angry and disappointed at the end of each show. That's not why I watch. I like to feel the commitment everyone on the ranch gives. I like to shed a tear with the teams when they sit in the voting room and having to decide which member of their team has to be voted off - even though everyone on the team wants everyone to stay. I want to feel the comrade relationships. I DON'T want to watch and wish with all my might that someone would just smack the crap out of two players. I DON'T want to watch and fume with anger that two manipulative witches are pulling the doll strings of the people around them. I DON'T want to watch a team gang up on a player that worked his behind off all week to prove how much he wanted to be there. It's just wrong.

So, next week, I'm giving the show one more chance. If I feel like this at the end of that episode, I'm pretty sure I will be saying good-bye to this season.

Till next time. ;)

Birthday Love, Cards, and CAKE!!

2012-02-02T03:34:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

My birthday is over, and it was a great day. It never ceases to amaze me at the love and kindness reflected from the adults and children I have the honor of working with. From the moment I walked in to work yesterday morning, I was greeted with birthday wishes, hugs, handmade cards, and even a few goodies. The greetings continued all day long. As I walked in to every classroom, as I walked down the halls, everywhere I went, I was met with the bells of "Happy Birthday!" It was a very special day.

I was also surprised at the out pour of birthday greetings I received on Facebook. I know that everyone has that handy, dandy feature that lets them know it's my birthday. But I was still amazed at how many people took the time to send their well wishes. There was over 100 comments posted to my wall, yesterday. That blows my mind. Ten years ago, I doubt I had more than 5 people that wished me a happy birthday.

After work yesterday, I picked all the kids up and then we went to the store to get me a birthday cake. I didn't really want a birthday cake, but the kids insisted. I want to say that the reason I didn't want a cake is because I'm being such a good girl and eating cake is not the way to do that. But that's bologna. I didn't really want cake, because I'm not really a big cake fan. I'd much rather eat pie or cheesecake or some kind of fruit flavored pastry. The kids insisted on cake. So, cake it was. I picked out a German Chocolate Cake. I figured if I'm going to eat cake, I'll eat the cake that is my favorite - and probably the worst for me. I had a pretty good size piece after dinner. Then Hubby and I shared a Paula Deen blueberry crumble. Something I picked up as an alternate to a birthday cake, because it's something I really like to eat. Did I eat way too much sweet stuff? You can bet your right thigh I did. I don't feel guilty about it. It was my birthday. I just have to now try and tell myself that if I eat like that one day a year, I'll be just fine.

Even though my birthday is over, I get to hold on to some "later date" celebrations. I'm getting an iPad for my birthday, but we're waiting a couple of weeks to get it. Hubby insists on waiting to see if the new iPad 3 comes out at the end of this month. Not sure if that means he's going to buy me that one, or if he's just waiting to see if the iPad 2 drops in price. Either way, I'm going to be super stoked!

Also, the 3rd grade team at my school want to take me out for lunch today. Now, I don't want to play favorites because I love all of the people I work with, but there's something about those three 3rd grade teachers that melt my heart. If someone is looking for me at a time I'm not scheduled in a different room, everyone pretty much knows that they should look in one of the 3rd grade classrooms - cause that's where I'll be. I have a connection with those women that I've never experienced before. I feel accepted. I feel like part of the team. I can go to them whenever I need them, and know that they'll do whatever they can to help me. I'm pretty sure what I feel is the "it factor" that my professors spoke about in college. That moment when you see yourself working right along side those people and feel completely at ease.

Changing the subject, I felt another spark of that feeling I said I was going to have the moment I reached 30 yesterday afternoon. You all know that the gym opens Saturday. I'm not sure if I'll go on opening day, but I've already prepared myself to go on Sunday - once the kids go off to church. Well, my kids' parent-teacher conferences are next week. I could pick what days I wanted to go. I made Peanut's for next Tuesday a couple of weeks ago, but yesterday I had to set up Butter's. My immediate thought while looking at my options was "Which option will be the least likely to interfere with going to the gym?" I know. I'm just as shocked as you. I'll wait a couple of seconds for you to compose yourself to an upright position.

I ended up picking Thursday. Meaning I can go to the gym on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I was so happy that my first thought was of the gym. I know that my child's academic success should be my top priority, and this is one situation where thinking about going to the gym shouldn't really be involved... but remember, I work in the same school he's in. I kind of try to keep a few tabs here and there on that progress every day.

I truly do feel that things have changed in me. While I don't feel any older, I feel a sense of urgency to shed the pounds. I feel a calling to get fit. I want to stand proud, and run fast. Stressful times are coming my way again, once I start facing the blahness that is looking for a teaching job. I want to be ahead of the game when that time comes, and be in the midst of great success with my weight loss. I feel that, somehow, if I'm succeeding in one area of my life - the success may spill over in to the other area of my life that means even more to me. I want to be able to sit here, a year from now, and reflect back on the amazing year I had. I know I can do it. I know I will do it.

Till next time. ;)

The Beginning of a New Decade...In Years And Weight!

2012-02-01T03:27:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

Well, here I am. Thirty years old. It seems weird that I've been on this planet for thirty whole years. My twenties are now forever behind me, but the memories will hopefully always be with me. I accomplished so much in my twenties. I had good times and bad. I can only hope that the next ten years won't disappoint me, and I'll have plenty of memories to make and achieve just as many goals - if not more.

I have very big hopes for this year. Huge hopes, in fact. I hope that this year is the year I finally get a teaching job. I also hope that this is the year I get below 200lbs. In fact, I hope to get below 180lbs... but I don't want to get ahead of myself.

I don't remember much about my 20th birthday. Actually, if I'm being honest, I don't remember my 20th birthday at all. That was a birthday when I was in the midst of some tough times. I was a semi-single mother to two very young children. Peanut was 22 months old, and Butter was 11 months old. That was a lot to handle as a 20 year old girl. But, you know what? I made it though that very rough patch of my life. I put on my big girl pants and did what I had to do.

My life is much better, now. I now have three wonderful children. I have a man that I love and is my best friend. I have the most awesome parents. I have a younger brother and sister who I've watched grow from young children in to responsible teenagers. I am a college graduate - twice over. I have a job that offers me the ability to do what I love. I have a house that keeps us warm in the winter and cool in the summer. Life is good.

But this post isn't just about me getting all sappy about turning 30, right? No. Today may be my birthday, but it's also weigh-in day. When I woke up this morning, it was the first thing I thought of. Was I going to start my birthday off with yet another gain?

Last week, I weighed in at 241.2lbs. That was a gain of 1.8lbs from the previous week. I swore that I wasn't going to see that number again. Although, I didn't exactly do what I needed to do to make that happen. That's why, I just couldn't believe my eyes when I stepped on the scale this morning and saw...

238.6lbs!!!

Not only is that a loss of 2.6lbs from last week, but it's also 1.2lbs lighter than what I was on my very first weigh in of 2012!!! That means, I get to put back the money that I lost last week from my Reward Jar. Even though I lost 2lbs this week, I'm sticking to only giving myself money for weight lost below my starting weight. So, I might not have earned any money yet, but I'm moving in the right direction! I've entered a new decade with my age AND my weight. Yes, I know that decade means 10 years... but just amuse me in letting me use it for my weight too, m'kay?

I kinda knew that I might have a loss this morning after weighing in for the Biggest Loser yesterday. Last week, I weighed in at 241lbs for that. Yesterday, I weighed in at 239.5lbs. That was 1.5lbs lost - and I had drank a few cups of coffee before my weigh in.

I also finished cleaning out my closet last night. Just like I said I would. All of the clothes that I will be wearing in the near future are nicely stored, and in plain sight. That way, each time I walk in to my closet, I'll be reminded of what's waiting for me. I also decided to put all of my work-out clothes on the shelves above my hanging clothes. They are now easy to reach, and are also staring me in the face each time I open my closet door. I guarantee that they won't be collecting much dust after the gym opens on Saturday!

I said yesterday how I expected to wake up this morning feeling different. More motivated, in fact. I would wake up knowing I was now 30 years old, and it was time to buckle down and start doing what I've set my heart on doing for the past 10 years: Losing weight.

You want to know something? I did wake up feeling exactly that way. The scale was then icing on the cake. I said cake and don't even feel like eating cake. That's major improvement already! I feel strong. I feel ready. I feel empowered. If I can lose 2.6lbs in a week with just being more cautious with what I eat... just imagine the numbers I could be pulling once I get my body moving and grooving at the gym.

Before I go, I have to share this with you. Yesterday, I received my first birthday present that I've ever received from a student. I almost cried. The fact that this little 3rd grader managed to remember that it was my birthday, and then get me a little something goes to show the amazing students I work with. She got me a giant Hershey Kiss and a Spongebob Krabby Patty sucker. The gesture was amazingly wonderful and sweet. I'm going to eat them, too. In very small portions, of course.

Alright, my birthday couldn't have started off any better....and here's hoping the day builds on this fantastic start.

Till next time. ;)

True Confessions Tuesday

2012-01-31T03:34:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

You want confessions? I got confessions. Probably more than I should, but that's what this post is for, right? So, I'm not going to waste any time explaining that each week I write a post that dishes out all of my confessions of the previous week, or that I ~~stole~~ borrowed the idea from The Sisterhood, or that I'd love it if my readers did the same thing and then told me they did it so I could read their confessions and not feel so terrible about all of the stuff I spill out.

Being that I didn't waste my time explaining any of that stuff, now I can hurry and get started...

I confess that I didn't finish cleaning out my closet last night because I totally forgot that Jelly had a dentist appointment at 4pm. I didn't get home from that until 5pm, then had to help finish dinner, then had to eat dinner, and by the time that was all over I was done for the day. Closet is the first thing I'm going to do when I get home today, or I'll be sleeping on the couch again.

I confess that my 4 year old is a rock star when it comes to going to the dentist. She had to have a crown fitted on one of her teeth yesterday afternoon. They gave her some laughing gas that made her funny and goofy. It was hilarious to watch her crack up for no reason whatsoever. She didn't even twitch when they gave her any of the four shots in her gums to numb them up. She had the dentist and hygienist laughing their behinds off the whole time... which was actually pretty scary to me, because he was holding a drill in the mouth of my child! She laid still and kept her mouth open wide while they drilled and rinsed and fitted...and she didn't whine a bit. And she can't wait to go back to have the other one done in two weeks. Crazy, huh?

I confess that I couldn't stick with the week of no junk food goal I set for myself last week. But, you already knew that. You know that I ate peanuts and candy corn just a day after making the goal, because I told you. Well, that wasn't the worst of it. I ate pizza on Saturday, and had a cheeseburger on Sunday when I went to play bingo.

I confess that despite my pizza and cheeseburger consuming, I have been eating pretty well. Even the pizza and cheeseburger weren't outrageous with what I ate. I had 2 pieces of pizza for lunch on Saturday (after eating no breakfast) and had the cheeseburger for lunch on Sunday. My dinners each night have been healthy and I've been eating much smaller portions. Is it enough to see a loss this week? I don't know. That would be nice though.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: The following confession is considered by many to be a TMI confession. It involves the talk of bowel movements. Read with care, or just skip over it. Your choice.

I confess that all day yesterday, I couldn't stop pooping. Not like diarrhea or anything. Just that each time I went to the bathroom, I had to poop. It was awful because I HATE having to do that in a public restroom - let alone the restroom at work. Apparently, my body was on board with my Cleaning Out My Closet post I wrote yesterday...and it decided to do some cleaning out of it's own. Yes, I know. That's gross. But stuff like that doesn't happen to me, so I had to share it. I did warn you and said you should skip over this one.

I confess that even though I've whined about not wanting to turn 30, I'm a little excited about my birthday tomorrow. Not that it's going to be a big deal or I'm going to do anything fancy. Just because I somehow feel this birthday to be a milestone. 30 sounds so grown up. Being 29, I was still a girl in my twenties - carefree and wild. After tomorrow, I'll be a sophisticated woman in my 30s. Ah, who the heck am I kidding? Like turning 30 is going to take the carefree and wild out of me. Psh!

I confess that, for some reason, I have this strange feeling that I'm going to feel very different when I wake up tomorrow. Not as in feeling older or anything like that. More of feeling like it's the day I really have to buckle down and start making the magic happen with my weight loss. Call me crazy (you wouldn't be the first one, or in the first 100) but this feeling has been there since a little before Christmas. I haven't really said much about it, but I've got my mind focused on the fact that my 30th birthday will be the day that I magically transform into a weight losing, exercise junky, healthy eating superstar. Now that the day is almost here, I really hope that's true. All this time up to now, I've been telling myself that it's just a crutch I'm using to keep postponing what I've been wanting to do. Well, now I'm only a day away, so let's all cross our fingers, toes, and anything else that's crossable that my mind finally lets me go and releases me from the barriers that have been preventing me from getting my mo-jo.

I confess that I'm, once again, nervous about this morning's weigh in for Biggest Loser and the weigh in that will take place tomorrow. How crappy will it be to have another gain, especially on my birthday? That would suck big time! Although, if my previous confession is actually right and I do turn in to a weight losing, exercise junky, healthy eating superstar, it won't matter what the scale says tomorrow because it will mean that I finally start doing something about it and stop whining each week that there's another gain on the scale. Maybe another gain will reinforce my minds decision to hold off until my birthday, and once it sees the damage it's done yet again, it will push me in to overdrive and let the barrier releasing begin immediately!

I confess that I've been so happy with the commenting that's been taking place this week around here. After posting my opinion on the Georgia Ad Campaign, I expected some flack for it. I got some. Just a little. But it was done in such a nice, courteous manner. I want everyone to be able to express their opinions on what I say - even if they downright disagree with me - and some of my commenters this week showed that's completely possible without getting hateful. I was also thrilled to receive a kudos on the post from the coach that works at my school. I always forget that it's possible for people I know to read what I write - and to get a compliment on it is a very big deal to me.

I confess that the past two days at work (Friday and yesterday) made me realize how much I love working and interacting with kids. I covered both days for the teacher that runs the computer lab. My job consisted of greeting the kids as they came in, and then supervising them while they did their computer based learning programs. It was silence pretty much all day long, and I about went nuts! Yesterday afternoon, I couldn't help myself, and started walking around the room and helping kids out..regardless if they asked for help or not. I'm just not cut out to be a watcher, I'm born to be a teacher...and teach I did! I'm so excited to get back to being in the classrooms today and working with the kiddos, that's fo'sure!

I confess that I'm done with confessing today. Be sure to check in tomorrow when I do a special birthday edition of Weigh-In Wednesday. I'm not sure if there will be tears involved or not (hope for not), but you just never know with me. I also have no idea how I'm going to make the weigh-in a special birthday edition.. but I've always got the ability to pull some tricks out of my hat.

Till next time. ;)

Tonight, I'm Cleaning Out My Closet

2012-01-30T03:13:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

Well, I had a very unexpected and eventful weekend. Friday night, I got a call from my mom asking if I wanted to bring the kids over Saturday and us all spend the night. I was quite surprised. My parents are foster parents, they have two children of their own living at home and three foster children, and their house is now a little crowded. Adding 4 more people to the mix (Hubby usually stays home), is verging on insane. I immediately thought sometime was wrong.

Nothing was wrong. Two of the kids were going to be away, my sister was going to be at a basketball game all day, my dad was working a twelve hour shift on Saturday, so my mom thought it would be nice for us to go over there and spend some time. Isn't that sweet?

I hadn't really planned on doing much. Mainly laundry, and cleaning out my overfilled closet. I decided I could get the laundry and the closet done before I went to my parent's house. Well, I got the laundry done, and I got the closet unpacked. I started doing some sorting, but I realized that the closet was too big of a job to do before I went to my parent's.

When I started unloading the stuff out from my closet Saturday morning, two things popped into my mind. 1) Where the heck did all this stuff come from? and 2) I may have some hoarder tendencies. Seriously, I found stuff that I bought years ago, has never been used or open, stuffed away in the back of my closet.

I have a walk-in closet, but not a large walk-in. It's big enough for me to walk in to, and then I have clothes hanging all around me. There are shelves above the hanging space. Then there's the floor. That's it. Nothing fancy. Although I'm pretty sure that I've always had the impression that my walk-in closet was 8 times bigger than it really is...cause that's how much crap I had stored in there.

I have a California king size bed, and I managed to stack up clothing about 2ft high over half of it. I didn't realize I had so many clothes. I cleared out everything that no longer fits me hanging on the shelves, and decided that I need to set it aside ready to be bagged up. Not to get rid of, because I will get back in to those clothes, but I just couldn't see the point in leaving all of those clothes on the hangers and taking up space. Once those clothes were cleared out, I was so shocked to see how few clothes I now have left to chose from. I have TONS of clothes that will fit me once I lose some of this weight - cute clothes, too. What's left are the last few traces of the size 18 pants and dresses that I wouldn't part with when I got down to a size 16. Thank all things holy I didn't, otherwise I'd be going to work in pj's or sweatpants.

I started going through the junk that was stored on the shelves and on the floor. I mostly found purses. Lots and lots and lots of purses. I've never hidden the fact that I have a serious problem when it comes to purses. I decided that some of them had to go. But, as soon as I thought about getting rid of them, I started having a mini anxiety attack. You think I'm kidding, don't you? I'm not. I seriously, hold my hand on the Bible, swear that I started getting light headed and breathing a little heavy when I was faced with deciding which purses were going and which were staying. Ridiculous, isn't it? But, I sucked it up and threw some out. Four. I got rid of four purses that definitely got their use, were tattered, and just no longer needed to be held on to. That was a very huge step for me. Hubby was very proud, although I knew he was hoping for a much larger number than four. After the purse incident, I decided to stop and go to my parent's. I left the piles of clothes on my bed, I left the rest of the clutter on the floor, and just left.

My trip to my parent's was a nice one. I spent the day chatting with my mom on Saturday, while the kids all played outside. Sunday, I went and played bingo with my mom and my grandparents. I haven't done that in forever. It was nice to get out and do something like that, especially with my grandparents. I don't see them hardly ever, and my both of them are getting ailments that are affecting their health. I realized that I need to start seeing them more, they are both in their late 70s and I just don't know how much time I have left with them.

Thinking of my grandparents really got me thinking about life in general. They are both in their late 70s. Have led pretty healthy, active lifestyles. My grandpa still does all the work on his house, and they both go out walking around several times a week. I realized that if I keep going the way I'm going, I may not get the chance to see my 70s. I may not get the chance to see my grandkids have kids. It was a lot that hit me all at once.

I really have to make the most of my life. That means cleaning out my closet - both literally and figuratively. I've got to let go of the stuff I've been holding on to. There's something inside of me that prevents me from letting the overweight me move on. I've got to quit worrying about the past, worrying about what I did to make myself the way I am today. I've got to start cleaning that crap out, and creating a new life for myself. One that's healthy, active, and happy.

So, tonight, I'm going to finish the task of cleaning out my closet. I'm going to bag up the clothes that don't fit me and post a big sign on the bags that reads: TO BE OPENED VERY SOON. I want to eventually replace those bags with all of the size 18 clothes. I want them out of my life. I am the only one that can do that.

Before yesterday's revelation, I didn't have a great weekend with my eating. In fact, I had a very crappy weekend with my eating that will no doubt result in yet another gain on the scale this week. I have no excuses. Just a lack of willpower. I feel horrible for it - both literally and figuratively. I'm bloated and feeling miserable, and I also feel a niggling of guilt that I haven't been able to shake since getting home. I have just 6 more days until the gym opens. I can chose to just sit back and wait until the gym opens, or I'll start doing something before. I'm not making any promises. I'll just see what happens. Now, though, I'm going to keep those bags stored in my mind. One day, very soon, I will open those bags and replace the contents with the baggage I'm carrying around now. I'm ready to let go.

Till next time. ;)

It's Just Never OK to Stamp A Label On A Child... Or Their Parents

2012-01-28T06:46:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

Yesterday afternoon, I came home from work and did some blog reading. It's a great way to wind down from a long day at work - and I get to see what others have been up to. When I started scrolling through my extremely long blog roll, two blogs jumped out at me straight away. Mainly because it appeared they were blogging about the same thing.

The first was from Mrs.Fatass and the second was Sean Wilson, both fantastic bloggers. They were both sharing their views on the new Georgia Ad Campaign targeting childhood obesity. I was shocked. I hadn't heard anything about it... but just by reading their blogs, I knew that I didn't like it one bit.

So, I did a little search this morning and saw pages and pages of ads that look like this:

I'm pretty sure my heart stopped for a second. The shock was just too much for me to handle. My brain just couldn't comprehend the fact that children were being stamped with disgusting sayings like "Fat Prevention begins at home. And the buffet line" or "It's hard to be a little girl. If you're not".

My first reaction wasn't towards the messages that were stamped across the bottom of these images. As despicable as they are, they hold some truth. My first reaction wasn't considering the damage that will result for kids that are overweight and have to be subjected to these ads on the TV and around their town on giant billboards. No, my first reaction was of utter disgust and went to the parents of THESE poor children who are standing in these ad campaigns.

Who are these children, and what the hell are their parents thinking? I'll make a completely rash judgement call and say there was probably some money in it for them (the parents)... but what expense does that money come with? I'm sure these kids go to school. I'm sure these kids have some form of social network (and I'm not talking about Facebook). I know lots of parents who would love for their child to be in a commercial.... but really? A commercial that literally stamps their child with a label such as this one? Someone fetch me a glass of water, I may pass out.

Sean and Sue (Mrs. Fatass) made great points in regards to this campaign that I'll hope you'll check out. They both state that prevention begins at home, and parents should be fed some cold hard truth about the damage that's being done to children with the adults being the cause.

As a mother of three children, I think I have the right to make some points on this subject.

First, and foremost, I would never, ever, ever, ever, subject my children to such a disgusting, self-esteem crushing portrayal of a message as these ad campaigns. Why would I want my child to look in to the faces of these poor children that have already been subjected to this horrible thing and think "wait, they may be talking about me"?

Second, prevention does begin at home. Yes, parents are often the blame. If I cram my face full of fast-food, eat 2 or 3 servings at dinner, and inhale a bag of chips in one sitting - then I'm showing my children that kind of behavior is OK. It's not OK. I'm the one doing the damage - and it's my duty to fix that damage.

Third, and I'm going to maybe piss a few people off here, not all overweight children turn in to overweight adults nor do all skinny children turn in to skinny adults. Sometimes, there are other factors that do come in to play and even though the easiest thing to do is blame the parents, it doesn't fit all situations.

I will use my family as the scenario for this point. I am the oldest of 6 children. Three are girls, three are boys. The last two are much younger than the other four, so I'm only going to talk about the oldest four siblings, right now. When we were young, we ate the same foods. My parents were far from being "healthy minded" people. We ate large portions. We ate candy. We ate a lot of snacks. My sister and I were always on the chubby side. Far from what I would consider "fat" but we had a little extra weight on us. One of my brothers also had a chubby side, one was always skinny. Once my "chubby" brother reached a growth spurt at around 10, he slimmed out nicely. So, there were two chubby girls, two skinny boys. Same family, same foods.

In high school, I weighed about 140lbs. That was considered "fat". My brothers were both athletic. They played football and basketball. I was in the band. My sister chose not to participate in any extra curricular activity. So, of course, they toned up nicely. Even though they both ate like horses, they were able to maintain a healthy physic. My sister and I opted for other activities that involved less exercise, but I still wouldn't consider either of us to be extremely overweight..even if the "norm" that was portrayed by other girls of our age was to weigh 90lbs when we were 16.

Now, my sister and I are very heavy. My brothers are still very toned and slender. The worst damage to my sister and I happened after we moved away from home. After we had been through some very tough times, we turned to food. Don't remember that being something we learned from our parents, but it's how we chose to live with it.

Now, let's add my youngest brother and sister in to the mix. They were both on the chubby side as kids. Once getting in to junior high, they both started playing sports. Both are basketball crazy. My parents feed them the same way my other siblings and I were fed growing up. Large portions, a lot of fried food. My sister started feeling the pressure from other girls in her grade that weighed 90lbs. She was at that 140lbs mark, right where I was at that age. She started to hate herself and the way she looked. Oh, I forgot to mention that my sister was 5'6" at the age of 14 and is now around 5'8". She started skipping meals. She started crash dieting. She now weighs around 110lbs, at 5'8" tall - and still thinks she has weight to lose. Is that healthy? NO!

My brother, again, is a big basketball player. He's 15 and is 5'11" tall. He weighs 220lbs. Is he fat? No. Do other people sometimes ridicule him for his weight? Yes. He's got some extra weight on him, compared to what my other brothers were like at his age, but he's far from being obese. He's active. He eats. He's as healthy as a horse.

What's my point in dishing all this out to you? My point is - there are often other factors that play in to a child's metabolism and their current weight. Genetics has some to do with it. Healthy eating has some to do with it. Exercise and activity level has some to do with it. And yes, the habits of parents are a huge factor - but even their lack of knowledge or living by a routine they grew up with is a player.

Before everyone grabs their pitchforks and torches and starts running towards parents that have children that are a little overweight (or a lot overweight), let's take a second to think. Let's look at the situations being played out.

I know a few people that are healthy and active, yet their children are heavy. I know parents that are morbidly obese and have kids that are skinny. I know that I'm a parent of three children that are all different. My oldest is tall for her age, worries about being fat, and used to get ridiculed for not being like all the other girls in her grade that were less than 5 feet tall and weighed 60lbs. She's 5'4" (at 11), and is the perfect size for her height. Now that she's in a school with kids just like her, she's having a much easier time with her self-esteem. Butter is on the chubby side, which is a side effect of the medication that he's on. We knew that he would gain some weight being on the medicine he's on, and it is monitored monthly. He has to be careful with what he eats, and I take care of that. Then, there's Jelly who eats cauliflower and carrots like they're going out of style. She'd much rather have a plate of veggies than a hamburger. But, she likes candy and sweet treats, too.

All families are different. All kids are different. Our job as a parent is to set a good example. What we need to remember, though, is that kids change overnight. I know that it's hard on my kids to see their mother as overweight. I'm working on that. I just ask that we don't rush out and judge people before we know the facts, the story behind it. We can do our part for our families. There are ways that support can be given to families to educate them on healthy foods and an active lifestyle. Putting innocent children in the line of fire, however, is not the way to go. Neither would it be right to put parents in their place and run the same campaign. Let's have some compassion. That's all I ask.

Till next time. ;)

The One Where I Cry, Then Laugh, Then Realize I Might Be Going Crazy

2012-01-27T03:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

It has been two days since I said I was going to go a whole week without eating junk food. And guess what has two thumbs and couldn't even go two days? In fact, who couldn't even go one day? Yeah. Me. I ate peanuts and candy corn. Mixed together. Both days.

I want to cry. Why? Because I ate about a cups worth of candy corn and peanuts over the past two days. Maybe it was a little more than that. And I told myself that I wasn't going to eat ANY junk food this week. NONE! There's 150 calories in about 20 pieces of candy corn. Which is about what I consumed each day. There's 160 calories in a serving of peanuts. I had probably two servings over the course of two days. Together that's just over 300 calories in each days worth of junk food. And I want to cry about it.

For the past two days I can honestly say that apart from the junk food snacks, I have eaten very well. I had a yogurt for breakfast both days. On Wednesday I ate a big bowl of lettuce with tuna and light dressing as my lunch. Yesterday I had a big bowl of lettuce, light dressing, and some low-fat buffalo chicken bites for lunch. Dinners have not been the greatest food, but I've eaten a much smaller amount than I normally would. If I counted calories, which I did just for this post, I ate about 1461 calories on Wednesday and 1548 calories yesterday. And yes, that's including my junk food.

Now I want to laugh. Yes, I'm weak and wasn't even able to go two days without being tempted by a sweet and salty snack like peanuts mixed with candy corn. But, even though I did, I still ate less than 1600 calories each day - which would be my target number of calories if I were counting calories. Crazy, isn't it?

Oh, and this is the part where I think I might be going crazy. I don't want to eat junk food. I want to believe that I can do something as simple as going a week without eating it. Obviously that's not the case, but then I see that when I did give in to temptation - I was still able to maintain a pretty good calorie level. It drives me nuts!!

I am torn between my junky snack being a curse and a blessing. As much as I tried to stay clear of the snack all day long... it was in the break room all day. I finally gave in later in the afternoon when my sweet and salty teeth were screaming at me. Then I ate them. Not just one day, either, but both days. But then I think about my "usual" junk food temptations. Pizza. Burgers. King size candy bars. Donuts. Handfuls of mini-chocolate bars. Those are my usual go-to junk. There are far more worse things I could have eaten besides a cup of peanuts with a few pieces of candy corn mixed in.

Call me crazy, or weak, or full of excuses all you want - but if the worst thing I do each day is eat a handful of peanuts with a few pieces of candy corn mixed in, I'll be a very happy woman. Will that happen every day? Of course not... but there are far worse things I could be eating every single day.

Then I realized, this is what I've been telling myself all along. This is the mantra I've been trying to develop and live by. There's no reason I can't have a little sweet or salty treat here and there - it's what I choose and how much of it I eat that's key.

Oh, and to boost my ego a little more, I walked the track at school yesterday. Twice. In heeled boots and a dress! Call me crazy...which won't be the first time... but I actually decided to walk a couple of laps around the playground yesterday despite the fact that I was dressed in work clothes. Do I advise doing that on a daily basis? No. I need to make sure I plan ahead and take tennis shoes with me... but I wasn't about to just stand there, like I always do, when I had 15 minutes to do a little walking. It wasn't enough to work up a sweat, but it was enough to get my body moving. Something that hasn't happened all too much in the past month. I'm no stranger to the fact that a little movement can go along way.

The nay-sayers and the people who think I do nothing but make excuses are probably having a fit right about now - but I'm actually totally OK with what I've done over the past two days. I know I wasn't able to keep up with the smallest of goals. In their opinion, maybe I proved that I do need a little professional help when it comes to giving in to such a small thing as junk food the size of a peanut or a piece of candy corn. But I'm not going to let their thoughts of me sway my opinion on the situation. It wasn't the end of the world. It wasn't a huge binge. I'm OK and didn't eat a bazillion calories that are now going to be the cause of another 2lbs gain on the scale next week.

If my head stayed in this mind-set every day, I'd be so much further along in my journey than I am now. I let my mind take over way too much. If I were to let this situation be a bad thing, it would eat at me... probably causing even more damage. I don't want to do that. A small light appeared to me far off in the distance this morning, when I sat down and realized how not bad the situation really was. Yeah, the light at the end of the tunnel was barely noticeable... but I saw it shining. If I can continue to focus on that very small light, then maybe I'll be drawn to it... making the light get bigger and bigger.

I reinforced, once again, why I don't like setting goals for myself. For some reason, I just don't have much luck with it - which causes a situation of failure. You would have thought I'd learned my lesson months ago - but I didn't. So, I'm in a situation, again, where I set a goal I couldn't stick with. So I'm going to say this once again... and pray to all things holy that it really sticks this time: NO MORE SETTING GOALS!! I know that sounds bad. Goals are what lead people in the right direction, give them direction, give them something to work for. That's what goals do for other people. For me? Goals seem to turn me around in the opposite direction. Even losing weight can't be a goal for me. It's a journey. It will never end. I will always be faced with struggles - even when I'm sitting here about 80lbs less than what I weigh now. And yes, I said WHEN not if. There is no goal for me to reach... there's just a path I have to walk down. A mindset I have to come to terms with. I'm moving in the right direction, in my opinion, so that's a small win. And I'll take it.

Till next time. ;)

Dipping In to the Mail Bag

2012-01-26T03:57:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

It has never ceased to amaze me how many emails I get from readers. Each week I get at least two emails from someone that's read my blog and wants to offer a kind word of support, a few suggestions, or wants to give me a piece of their mind without doing it publicly. What's that you say? Two emails aren't very many. Well, it is to me. Any amount of emails or comments are always a huge deal to me.

Every once in a while, I get a few emails that make me cry. Some in a good way, some in a bad way. But I always read every email sent to me. I try to respond to all of them, at least with a thanks or something along those lines. Then, once every couple of months or so, I like to look back through some of the emails and share them here. I do it all anonymously because I figure if the person has emailed me versus commenting on my blog, then they may not want what they have to say publicly shared with the world...or my other blog readers. These past couple of weeks, I've received several emails. Here are a couple now, with responses I either made to that person...or responses I've come up with now because I didn't think of saying it when I did respond...

Dear Joanna,

I have read your blog for a while now, and just wanted to write to you and ask you a few questions. I'm not sure you'll respond, but I wasn't sure whether I should ask you on your blog or in an email. I'm going with the email because I figure it the most personal of options that I have to talk to you.

I have always loved how honest you are on your blog. You tell it like it is, regardless of whether or not you're succeeding. My questions for you are: How are you able to be so honest? Do you feel that sharing the bad stuff helps you? Do you ever get bashed from people about struggling so much?

I only ask because I have started a blog, but I keep it private. I don't let anyone else read it. I do that because I've had a lot of troubles with trying to lose weight and then I write about them. I'm worried that if I share those problems with anyone that wants to read them, then they'll judge me for being weak. My reasons for struggling are similar to you. I make a lot of excuses, and don't really have the motivation to do much about it. I try to eat healthy, but usually can't go a day without eating some kind of junk food. I've joined a gym at the beginning of the year, and I've been twice. I didn't really like it because I felt so fat and thought people were looking at me and laughing at me. I hate feeling that way. That's probably why I'm so scared to share my blog with anyone. I don't want people laughing at me or judging me.

So, how do you do it?

A reader

And my response....

Dear Reader,

Thanks for the email. I will be happy to answer your questions. I actually get asked those questions pretty often. Not necessarily for the same reason you're asking, but it seems as though many people wonder how I can be so brutally honest on my blog - even if it makes me look weak, uncommitted, or down right lazy.

So, here's my answers:

How am I able to be so honest? Well, I tell myself that other people are probably struggling the same way I am. Not everyone is able to jump on a weight loss band wagon and start losing weight over night. There are lots of people (like myself) that's tried over and over and over and still struggle every single day. I figure if those people can read of someone else in their shoes, then it will help them somehow. Most people, regardless of whether they'd admit it or not, like honesty. It's refreshing for them to not just hear the good stuff all the time. I try to provide that for them.

Do I feel that sharing the bad stuff helps me? Yes and no. If you've been reading my blog, lately, you'll see that I'm in a pretty nasty rut. I'm working on it, slowly but surely. Being able to share my struggles helps me by getting it off my chest. But even I get tired of reading negativity over and over and over. And yes, I read my own blog often. There are many times that I feel like enough is enough, and I should hold off on posting anything because there has been so much negativity or struggles. Then, I get a comment or an email that says "Thanks for posting that today, I have been struggling in the same way and it's nice to know I'm not the only one". Then I realize I have to keep being honest - regardless of how bad it is at the moment. If it's helping one person and pissing off 100... I'll keep doing it to help out that one person.

Do I ever get bashed? Oh yes. I've got haters just like anyone else... but they are very few and far between. I've received one nasty comment or email for every..maybe 50 positive comments or emails. I'm sure that when people read my blog there are many people that stop reading because there's not very much success going on. I'm sure that there are people that read and say a few nasty things to themselves. But as far as receiving their thoughts in writing? That doesn't happen too often. When it does, I try to respond in the best way I know how. I can't say that I've ever received a really nasty, full of hate email. More along the lines of frustration than anything else. I try to tell those people the same thing I'm telling you now. My blog is about honesty. Period. If they don't like it, there are thousands of blogs that are more appropriately suited for them, I'm sure.

As much as it may not seem like it, I write my blog for me. And that's something I want you to remember. If you do decide to share your blog publicly - remember it's still your blog, and you're not writing it to please anyone. I do know that I love the support and encouragement I receive - and that helps keep me with the mindset that I won't give up. I hope I've answered your questions well enough to help you out. And please don't hesitate to let me know if you have any more.

Joanna

I received this little gem this week, which worked perfectly with the email above...

Fat Woman,

It appears to me from reading a few posts to your blog that you may be a fat woman all of your life. I've never heard so many bulls**t excuses from a person that claims to be getting rid of the excuses in my whole life. You should change the title of your blog to "Excuses of a mad, fat, woman" because that's all your blog really is. I bet any amount of money that when this supposed gym opens up that another set of excuses open up as to why you can't go. What person claiming to want to lose weight makes up the excuse that they're waiting for gym to open? I don't know where you live, but if it's in America, I'm sure there are hundreds of gyms around you. Just do us all a favor and stop. It's depressing and annoying to read the same bulls**t over and over again. You need serious help, if you ask me. Maybe that's what you should be thinking about. Getting some serious help instead of claiming to be trying to help other people. You're not helping anyone, and it sounds to me like you need the help.

My response...

Thank you for your email. While I appreciate all feedback, I will state that you are under no obligation to read my blog. If you don't like it, please don't read it.

What my response should have been now that I'm thinking about it...

Dear Hater,

First off, I don't write my blog to help other people. I write my blog for me, and if other people get something out if then WHOOP WHOOP to me. While it pains me to do so, I have to agree with you on a few things. Yes, I got excuses. Just like a lot of people do. The same excuses that they're dealing with - and sometimes, hearing that there are others out there that are struggling can sometimes be uplifting. Nobody's perfect. I also agree that it sounds stupid to be waiting on a gym to open up before I start working out.

My reasons, though I don't need to explain myself to you, are because A) the gym is right across the street from where I work meaning I have easy access to being able to work out because I have a family and a life that often gets in my way when it comes to working out in a gym and B) it only costs me $10 a month versus the "hundreds of other gyms in my area" that charge at least three times that much and this fat woman is on a strict budget.

I'm not sure of the why you feel the need to bash me or show how much animosity you have towards me. I don't know your story, and I'm not in a position to judge you for it. I'm not going to speak ill of you, because maybe there are things plaguing you that I don't know about. But, I will return that back to you. You don't know me. You don't know the demons I struggle with every day. Being able to come here and share those demons with anyone that wants to hear about them is a very therapeutic thing for me to do..and while I always love to help people, again, my blog is for me.

I may need serious help. But you know what? I get that help right here on my blog. Every time that I get a nice comment or email telling me to hang in there, or a word from someone who appreciates my honesty - it lifts me up and helps me stay with my journey. This also pains me to say, but I also get that help when I receive nasty emails like yours - because it fuels my fire. Not that I have to prove myself to anyone, but I will prove myself to you. You'll see. Or maybe you won't because hopefully you've stopped reading my blog if it annoys you so much. Whatever the case, I'm sorry that you feel the way you do about me. I feel sorry for the fact that you have so much hate in your heart for a person you've never met. I hope that whatever is causing this anger is taken care of.

Joanna a/k/a Mad, Fat Woman!

Till next time. ;)

Weigh In Wednesday

2012-01-25T03:16:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

I woke up this morning to the sound of rain. Lots of rain. It's so hard to get out of bed when you hear rain pouring down. Especially when you know you have to go out in it...and it would be so much nicer to just stay in bed.

I got up, though. I had to. It's weigh in day. That's not why I had to get out of bed, I have to work. But back to weigh in day. After standing on the scale, I realized the rain was perfect to accompany the mood I'm now after seeing the results.

First let me start off with my Biggest Loser results. Last week, I weighed in at 239.0lbs. This week, I saw 241lbs. A gain of 2lbs which cost me $2. I knew once I saw that number, my own weigh in would be pretty close.

Last week for my weigh in, I weighed 239.4lbs. This morning, I stepped on the scale and wasn't at all surprised to see...241.2lbs.

That means I've gained 1.8lbs in a week. And there are no excuses. I completely did this to myself. I'm big enough (no pun intended) to admit that. I had several incidents of not eating right. So, I can't be all shocked to see such a gain.

Now the rain matches my mood. Dreary. A little sad. No, a lot sad.

I will admit I was really angry when I stepped on the scale yesterday morning for the Biggest Loser. It's my competitive edge that kicked in once I realized that I was the biggest gainer. It's even harder when I'm the person running the competition and the other participants come to me to hear how I did - expecting good numbers. It's so hard to admit to them, and myself, that I let myself gain 2lbs.

Once it happened, though, it was quite easy for me to stay clear of any junk food yesterday. Any time I got the slightest inclining to grab for a piece of chocolate, or any other form of sweet treat I could get my hands on, I saw the number on the scale in my head. I used it to fuel my drive, and rid off those pesky temptations. Would one piece of chocolate killed me? No. But I am committing to a week of absolutely no junk. I'm going to use the numbers to fuel that fire...and pray to all things holy that I don't ever see a repeat of this week again.

Seeing an even bigger number on my own scale was even worse. Even though the gain is smaller on my scale. The differences in the number are about the same as they've always been. Although, right now I like the scale at work better....even if it does make me only 0.2lbs lighter. That's neither here nor there, though.

Being that I've gained 1.8lbs, I now have to knock my Reward Jar in to a negative number. For every pound I lose, I earn $2. But for every pound I gain, I lose $2. Which means I'm going to be sitting at a negative. I've lost money before I've even earned any. That's pretty sad. But, I know that the number is only temporary.

Despite the bad news of my gain, I feel very grown up this morning. My normal procedure for gaining so much weight would be for me to sit here and explain how I'm carrying a lot of water weight, or I'm constipated, or Aunt Flo could be coming in the next couple of weeks which of course could be causing the gain...not really, but in my head. That's usually my course of action. But this morning I don't feel like stating any of those things. OK, I know I just did state them - but only to give you an idea of what I'd usually do, and not what I'm actually thinking this morning. I know that none of those things are to blame. My choices are to blame. My actions are to blame. I am to blame.

And before you think that I'm saying that because I feel all sorry for myself - don't. You'd be wrong to assume that I feel sorry for myself at all. Am I sad? Yes. But I know the mistakes I made. I know the choices I made. I also know how to fix them, and it's up to me to do that. I can't sit around here in self pity because of it. I have to do something about it. If I don't do something about it, then I have no one else to blame but myself. And admitting that is a very grown up step for me.

Apparently, watching the Biggest Loser this season is having a small impact on my thought process. I'm really diving in to this "No Excuses" motto that they are promoting. Is it helping push me out the door to get some exercise in? No. Not yet. But, being able to admit I have a problem is the first step in the right direction. Right?

I do have a problem. I know that. That's why this next week of eating absolutely no junk is a big deal for me. I have to prove to myself that the small steps count. The slightest of changes can have a big impact. That's what I'm hoping for. That's what I believe.

So, while I know I've said this many times before, and there's absolutely no reason why you should believe me now... I know I won't see that number again. I'm kissing it goodbye. I'm letting it drift away. Maybe next week I'll be right back to where I started... but that's OK. I'm OK with that. It's as long as I keep going in that direction from now on that's the most important.

Regardless of how many times I keep telling myself that. I won't give up on believing it. No matter how many times I falter, or have to swallow my own words. I will keep moving forward. I will start over as many times as it takes to let what I say actually sink in. The gain isn't a sign of failure, it's a sign of weakness. The strength comes from letting the gain go, and never giving up.

Till next time. ;)

True Confessions Tuesday

2012-01-24T03:54:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary....

Do you smell that, diary? The smell is faint at the moment. But being that it's Tuesday, I'm sure the smell will get stronger. It's the aromatic, delicate smell of BS excuses. I'm going to spill my confessions, and you know that following each one will be a nice, heavy, steamy pile of BS excuses to follow each one. What's that? There's no BS allowed? When did that start? Oh, it's always supposed to have been that way. Well, I'll be. OK, I'll give it a shot, but I can't promise anything. So, here are my BS excuse free confessions...

I confess that this has been another extremely hard week on me in regards to wait loss. What? Oh, OK... fine! I confess that this week I haven't done a darn thing in regards to my weight loss and it's all on me. Happy now, diary?

I confess that I'm not going to be happy when I weigh in for the Biggest Loser competition at work this morning. I know I'm going to see a gain, which means I'll have to pay in to the prize fund, and possibly have to buy this week's biggest loser a gift. That sux! Not for the biggest loser, of course. I'm happy that they get rewarded for their hard work, and it will serve me right for completely slacking off.

I confess that I had Dominoes for dinner on Friday night. AND it was my idea to have it. All because I wanted to try their new cheesy bread. I did try it. I had about 3 pieces of it, 3 pieces of pizza, and 2 pieces of jalapeno bacon cheesy bread. If I do the math, I'm pretty sure that I consumed about a gazillion calories. And while it was good...it wasn't good enough to gorge myself on the way I did.

I confess that yesterday I ate 3 pieces of Better Than Sex chocolate cake. Why? Hello! Did you not see the name of the cake? It was chocolate cake soaked in condensed milk, smothered in caramel, topped with whipped cream, and sprinkled with Heath bar pieces. One piece just wasn't enough, and neither was two apparently. Three was the magic number to fill my satisfaction. While I will say that the name is inaccurate, the cake could easily be named Just As Good As Sex cake.

I confess that I ate a very large helping of Humble Pie while watching the Biggest Loser last night. HA! You thought I was going to talk about more bad food consuming, didn't you? It was last week's episode that I DVRed. I already can't stand a contestant. Conda to be pointing fingers correctly. The horrible part is, I think I don't like her because she reminds me of me! Minus the bitchy "I'm better than everyone" attitude. The way she immediately blames everyone and everything else for her downfalls, puts on this front that she's all big and bad....that's me! And I have to admit that I didn't like myself very much after realizing it.

I confess that it also really pissed me off to see one of the contestants leave the Biggest Loser show voluntarily. Hopefully I didn't just spoil it for someone that hasn't seen it... but I really didn't say more than what was advertised on the commercial, so I think I'm OK. It makes me mad, because this is supposed to be the season of no excuses, yet two people have basically quit the show - and we're only 3 weeks in. That's two spots that could have gone to people who really want to be there, or the two people that are busting their behinds to get back there. And no, it's irrelevant that I've done nothing but make excuses the past three weeks and have barely lifted a finger for my own weight loss... I'm not on the show that's offering people a life changing experience.. for free!

I confess that I've made a pretty lame deal with myself. I've told myself that I'm not going to be too hard on myself about the piss poor attitude and commitment I've made thus far, and that when the gym is open I'll put all I have in to using the gym and catching up on the weeks I've let pass. While it is a lame deal, and seeping with excuses, I really feel like the gym is the motivation I need...and once I have the gym, I'll be different. I'll really be putting in the effort. Don't ask me why... please. It's just something that's going on with my head, and no matter how much I try I just can't shake it. The gym opens a week from Saturday. That's almost two weeks from now... but I truly feel in my heart that once I get to that day, things will really change.

I confess that I want to amend the lame deal that I have with myself. I want to add the understanding that there will be no more pizza binges or Sex cake binges or any other form of binges between now and when the gym opens. I may not want to work out until I have the gym, but I sure as heck don't need to be continuing to eat the way I do. While I have been pretty good at maintaining healthy portion sizes and choosing healthier foods several times a week, I need to be doing it every day of the week. And while I still stick to my "there's no such thing as cheating" motto, I have to remember that if I want a sweet or salty treat, that I need a very small amount.

I confess that I'm still drinking only water while at work. A lot of water. Like 60+ ozs of water every day. That's a good thing. Finally!! A good confession!

I confess that, I hate to say it, but I think February 1st is going to be my real new year. Again, please don't ask me why. And, yes, I know that sounds like the biggest BS excuse you've probably ever heard. But hear me out. On February 1st, I turn 30 years old. No, that's not why I think I'll magically say "OK, now I have to really buckle down and lose weight". I can't really explain why I feel that way. It's like a kid waiting for Christmas when they have absolutely no idea what they're getting. They could be getting nothing but socks and underwear, but they don't care. They still get excited. And that's me. Most of it has to do with the fact that the gym opens on Feb. 4th. I have absolutely no idea why this gym will be different or why it's making me so crazy with anticipation or excitement. But, for some reason - my own head, mostly - I just can't get the will to work-out until I walk in to that gym. If I had a dollar for every time I've said "don't set a date to start" or "if you have a bad day, just start over tomorrow" I'd be a very rich woman. I've said both of those things over and over...and yet, look what I'm doing. I'm setting a date to when I think I'll finally say enough is enough and get moving. Stupid, isn't it?

So, while I've tried to refrain from the excuses... you all are very smart and are able to read between the lines. Am I right? I may not have spilled the excuses out in black and white, but they're still sitting on the sidelines cheering me on. And while I'm in this mindset of my anti-excuse medication not kicking in until February 1st, I can still do what I can to make sure that next week's confessions are a little better. What? I said that last week? Oh. I guess I did, didn't I. OK, well I guess I'm going to say it again.

I'm going to set a goal for myself this week. Again, after I said I wouldn't be doing that this year. I'm a complicated woman that changes her mind. A lot. I'm allowed to. So, I'm setting a goal for myself. Nothing too hard. Just more of a focus helper more than anything. My goal is to eat healthy all week. That means healthy foods, healthy portions. That means no fast-food, or cake, or junk food.

It goes against everything I believe. I believe that by swearing yourself off of something only makes you want that thing even more, until you eventually give in and then binge your way through it feeling guilty and hating yourself after. I still believe that. But I'm not swearing myself off of anything.. forever. Just one week. A fast from junk. A body cleansing, of sorts. And a mind cleansing. I need to prove to myself that I can do something as small as avoiding junk food for a week. Maybe that week will turn in to two weeks. Maybe three... but I'm getting ahead of myself. This is just about this next week. Can I do it? I think so. No, I know I can.

Today I start my week long junk-food cleanse. Let the challenge begin!

Till next time. ;)

I May Live in Farm Country... But I'm No Farmer

2012-01-23T03:55:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

Well, it's been quite the eventful weekend. So much to do, so little time...and all that jazz. I didn't get to finish Ellen's book like I'd planned on....but I'm only a few chapters away from being done. The part I read yesterday was just as fantastic as the first half - but I'll save that info for when I'm actually done with the book.

You'll never guess what I did yesterday. I actually cleaned my house! I know. I'm just as shocked as you are. OK, not that shocked. A little dramatic aren't we? Geez.

Yes, I cleaned my house. I sorted all of Jelly's toys and got them back where they should be. Including those that belonged in a giant trash bag. I then killed a gazillion dust bunnies...it was like a scene from a dust horror movie in my living room. Dust bunny carcasses were everywhere... but they were given proper treatment after their demise. Who knew that the vacuum served as a cleaning utensil and a dust bunny funeral home?

After I spent a couple of hours cleaning, I sat down and enjoyed the last 30 minutes of peace and quiet before the kids got home from church. It's amazing how fast 30 minutes go by. I just got nice and comfy, and BAM in flew three kids all hyped up on being gone without me. The volume in my house went from calm to crazy in 3.2 seconds flat.

Peanut went to work cleaning her room, and the rest of us got ready to take my brother back home. I've got to give Peanut some credit, here. When I say "no more computer or tablet until your room is clean", she doesn't take that lightly. She was pulling out crap from every nook and cranny in her room. I was gone for over 3 hours yesterday afternoon, and she still hadn't finished when I got home. She was working her behind off, though. Maybe now she'll see why I press the "if you just keep it clean" motto. Who am I kidding? That's what I've been saying for years....still hasn't sunk in yet.

So, where was I? Oh yes, taking my brother home. My brother is 15. He likes to come and spend the weekend at my house on occasion. Don't ask me why - because my house is boring - but I love it when he comes. I think he likes coming to my house to have a break. Part of it is a break from the fact that my parents are foster parents, and sometimes their house can be a little crazy. The other part is the fact that my brother is a 15 year old farmer - and just likes a weekend off from having to wake up at the butt crack of dawn to feed chickens, rabbits, goats, and pigs.

Yesterday was a very rough day for my brother, though. Friday, when I went to go pick him up, he asked me to take a look at his pig. He's only had this pig for a couple of weeks...it was just a few months old when he got it. Anywho, my brother knew something was wrong with the pig - and wanted me to take a look. Now, I don't remember ever having given my brother the inclination that I knew anything about farm animals. My farming knowledge extends to the point in which I know which animal is what. That's about it. I can tell a goat from a sheep. I can tell a rooster from a chicken...sometimes. I know what a pig looks like. That's about it. Yet, my brother wanted my opinion...so I felt it only right to oblige.

After taking a look at the pig, all I could say was "I'm pretty sure that's not right". To which I was referring to the fact that protruding from the behind of the pig was a blood filled sac looking thing. Not to get too disgusting here, but think of a hemorrhoid the size of a fist. A large man's fist. Thanks to the power of the Internet, my mom was able to look it up and found out that the pig was suffering from a rectal prolapse. If you don't know what that is, I dare you to look it up. No, wait. I'm not that mean. Save yourself the exposure to the most disgusting thing you've ever seen. It basically boils down to it being that the rectum of the pig had completely fallen out of it's butt hole. There, that paint the picture well enough? Hopefully you're not eating. I have a stomach of stone, and I was still highly disturbed from finding out what was wrong with the pig, and then watching videos of farmers who felt the need to share the issue with other people that ever enter the words "Pig prolapse" in to a search engine.

After seeing that the pig was in no immediate danger from the situation, we came home for the weekend. My poor brother then spent the entire weekend worried about his pig. We looked online for ways to treat the problem. The options were slim. He had the choice of trying to put the thing back up the rear end of the pig, or getting a vet to surgically remove it. That option would cost a lot of money - and when my brother only paid $35 for the pig, he had to weigh the pros and cons. Being the supportive sister I am, I spent a lot of time looking at more videos of the procedure that would be required for my brother to take care of the problem himself. It was gruesome and disgusting... but I did what I had to do to help my brother out.

When it was time to take my brother home, I knew he was dreading doing what he had to do. Again, being the supportive sister I am, I offered to help in any way that I could. Thinking that I'd be there for moral support. He apparently didn't take it that way, and once we were at my parent's house he asked for my assistance in restraining the pig while he did what he could to reinsert it's a-hole.

For over an hour, we tried everything we'd seen on the Internet. We tried restraints - that didn't work. We tried holding it down. That didn't work. Finally we just put food in it's face and got the pig to be still long enough so that my brother could give it a shot. I really thought we had a good chance...until the disgusting thing popped. I'm so sorry to be so gruesome, but I have to set the picture of what was actually going on. Believe me, my painting the picture with words takes off about 80% of the actual horror that was happening in front of me. Where was I? Oh yes, the thing popped. There was blood everywhere. Regardless, my brother didn't want to give up. We cleaned it up - and yes, I said we. I was right there with him doing what I could while trying not to have my own insides fly from my mouth.

Finally, my brother admitted there wasn't much else we could do. The pig was losing a huge amount of blood - and neither one of us just knew how to deal with it. He realized there was no other option but to put the pig out of it's misery. I wanted to cry for my brother. I could see how hard of a decision it was for him to make. I saw a 15 year old boy become a man. And a true farmer.

My brother has dealt with losing animals before. He's gone out in the morning to feed his animals and discovered a chicken that's passed on or the traces of a coyote that's come for dinner. He's even raised a pig for butchering. But that pig was taken off to a slaughter house, and he had to have no involvement with the killing process. He's also killed animals before. He likes to hunt, and has been successful in bringing down a buck or two. But it's very different when it comes to an animal he's been raising. He's fed it. He's sheltered it. He built the entire pig pen with his own hands. He cares for his animals while he's raising them - and having to make the decision to put one down was probably one of the hardest decisions he's ever made.

Thankfully, he didn't have to do the deed himself. My father stepped up and did what needed to be done. It was quick, but it didn't take away the immediate pain I had for my brother. I know without a shadow of a doubt that if there had been no people around, my brother would have cried yesterday. After it was done, my brother wanted to be the one to properly dispose of the animal. He felt that he owed the pig that much. I, once again, offered to help. The silence that surrounded us while we were taking care of it was so thick. I did everything in my power to keep the tears pulled back inside my eyes. I knew then that I could never do what my brother does every single day.

Yesterday, my brother became a true farmer. He found out what it was like to have to deal with a lame animal. He realized that some animals get sick, and when you're trying to be a farmer - you just have to take care of those situations. And yes. He could have had a vet take care of the situation. But that would have cost hundreds of dollars that he doesn't have. I knew he would have paid it if he had it... but he didn't and neither did I. He made a tough decision, but I think it was the right one. My heart goes out to him, and I realized that I could never do what he does at such a young age. The amount of work that boy puts in to his little farm is remarkable. I truly envy his dedication and strength.

My brother taught me a valuable lesson this weekend. I learned that hard work often requires sacrifice. But you can't give up because you have one bad situation arise. You keep getting up every morning and doing what you can. You move on. You just can't give up. Today is a new day for me. I will take that lesson with me and remember it. If he can put in the hard work it takes to raise a small farm at the age of 15, I can dedicate myself to losing weight at age 29. I know it's apples and oranges - but when life gives you apples and oranges... you make fruit salad!

Till next time. ;)

Live... Love....Laugh....

2012-01-22T07:17:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

Had a fun day yesterday. I took the kids out and ended up driving all over the place. We found ourselves at a little book store in one town, a giant book store in another, and walked around a flea market....something I haven't done in forever.

I bought a few books to add to my collection. My classroom library is going to have such an array of wonderful children's books. I know it's going to be so hard to let the collection of books I've spent the past 5 years building out in to the world of children's hands. But I'll do it. It's what the collection was started for in the first place.

I even bought a couple of adult books. Not that kind of adult, you pervs! I mean books written for adults. I don't do that very often. I'm quite happy diving in to a book that's written for 3rd+ graders... but yesterday, I took the plunge and bought two adult books. One was the complete collection of Edgar Allen Poe's tales and poems. I like Poe. Although the chances of me actually reading this book? Very doubtful. It's the size of two bricks stacked together side by side. It's huge. But it's a great book to have when I need snippets or poems of his work for a lesson I might or might not do and it was only $8. The other book was written by one of my favorite people: Ellen DeGeneres. The book is called Seriously...I'm Kidding. I hadn't planned on buying the book, but once I saw it - and read the back - I had to have it.

I started the book last night, and before I knew it I was halfway through the book. I just couldn't stop. The only reason I did stop reading when I did was because it was almost midnight and the words on the page started blurring together making it impossible to actually comprehend what the words were. It's the first book I've ever read where I was actually laughing out loud most of the time. She's hilarious. I already can't wait to get back to the book later today when I've finished cleaning my house. Yes, I'm cleaning today... but I'm not talking about it.

Anywho, the book...it's amazing. I would recommend it to anyone. Especially someone who struggles with just about anything: Work, appearance, family issues. Even though she doesn't target these things specifically - except the appearance thing - the way she writes make you think about any problem that may be plaguing your mind. She does a great chapter on becoming a CoverGirl model. While it's absolutely hilarious, she really hits the nail on the head about wanting to look good, but doing it in your own way without feeling the pressure of molding to the ideals of what you think you should look like.

Even though I'm only half way through the book, I already get a sense of the message she's trying to send. Live life. Love with all your heart. And laugh....often. She shares moments of triumph, moments that made her second guess herself, and moments of doing things she never thought she'd do. Despite being filthy rich, she doesn't give off that vibe that I often get hearing about celebrity "problems". You know, the ones where a celebrity goes on and on about their poor life when the whole time you're thinking "I wish I had those types of problems...you should take a second to live in my shoes". I could relate to everything Ellen was saying. They weren't surface issues, they were the issues that go deeper in to the soul. And no, this is not a tell-all book that reveals her deepest, darkest secrets.... unless they are in the part of the book I haven't read yet.

In just reading half of the book, my mood has lifted. The mood that has been dwelling in me and has spread it's face within the blog posts I've written lately. The poor me attitude because I just can't get in to the swing of losing weight again. I now know that my recent mood is one of the reasons I'm struggling so much. I spend so much time dwelling on the not-so-good. I don't like to use the word "bad" because when push comes to shove, I'm not in a "bad" situation... it's just not going the way I'd hoped. See, right there, I'm already turning my thoughts around. Amazing, isn't it?

Because I'm fixated on the fact that I'm not succeeding, I'm not succeeding. My mind is jumbled with the would-a, could-a, should-a's. Instead of focusing on the will. The I will succeed mentality. Not just that, but I'm too focused on the weight loss. Instead of spreading my mind out on other things - I'm back to being obsessed about what the scale might say, the fact that I'm not putting in my best efforts, and that I'm failing. It's consuming me and pulling me down in to a dark place which offers no escape... unless I just pull myself out of it.

I should probably note here that Ellen's book has absolutely nothing to do with weight loss. It's not a weight loss book AT ALL. It's not even a book that talks about what I just talked about.... dwelling on the bad.... it's just my translation of what I read and how it applies to me. So, don't rush out and buy the book because you think it's going to give you all the information I just spewed. It won't. But do rush out and buy the book if you love a good, humorous read. Maybe you'll be struck with an epiphany that's related to your life, maybe you won't. I just don't want to be held liable for claiming this book is a miracle worker - when it's just my personal miracle worker.

One of my most favorite chapters thus far talks about getting rid of stuff. Yes, as in actual stuff that's accumulated around the house that you no longer need. The stuff that supposedly holds sentimental value or the stuff that you might use one day, even though you haven't used it once in the 10 years you've had it. Boy, could I relate to this one. Hubby would probably say that I'm a closet hoarder. As in, my closet looks like the beginning of a serious hoarding problem. I have clothes that I've never worn but will wear someday. I have clothes that I haven't worn in years, but I might one day. And let's not mention the shoes. I don't want to reveal how many pairs of shoes that I own that I've never worn, m'kay?

Being in the rut of my weight loss plagues this hoarding problem. I have clothes that I deliberately bought two sizes two small because they were my "goal clothes". I look at them almost daily. I tell myself that I'll get in to them. Those I won't part with. Then, there are the clothes that I've had for years that I will probably never wear. They need to go. There's absolutely no reason to hold on to them, and I really have no reason to keep them. I did a great job of getting rid of the clothes that were way too big for me last year. I was happy to rid them from my life. When they went, I felt a weight lifted off of me. Even though I can barely fit in the clothes that I still wear, I don't regret for a second getting rid of those old clothes. Where am I going with this? Oh yes, getting rid of the no longer needed. I have to start letting go of stuff...and not just physical objects....regardless of how much I feel that I might need it one day.

One of the biggest things I've had a tough time getting rid of is the comparison of my life now to the life I had just two years ago. You may have noticed how much I compare myself now to what I was like when I lost 88lbs. How great things were then to how not-so-great things are now. I've realized that the more I do that, the more I'm slipping down in to my funk. OK, I gained weight again. I feel off the "I'm so wonderful" wagon. I don't need to focus on getting back on that same wagon... I need to leave that one in the past and focus on the new, updated model. I've got to dump the stuff I don't need anymore - and the first thing to go is that my life was so much better back then, and I'm an idiot for not still being there. I just have to realize that the perfect Joanna from back then was the person that let me fall off the wagon, it's now my responsibility to move on and completely start over without comparing anything with "the good ol' days". That's the first thing I'm dumping. Right now. This very second. Poof...gone!

Isn't it amazing how much a little book can change my mentality so much? I know. Totally crazy. It may be the fact that I've desperately been seeking for something to base this mentality on...and that it's been there all along just waiting to be set free. But, I'm also big enough to give Ellen some of the credit. I'm gonna probably finish the book today, so I'm sure you'll hear more about it.

Alright, got some things to take care of before I can read.

Till next time. ;)

In My Opinion.... Yeah, I Read and Listen to the News

2012-01-21T08:01:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

Earlier this week, I wrote a response to a blog post I'd read about loving who you are for who you are. I gave my opinion on the post...just my opinion. I tend to have those occasionally. OK a lot. I don't think there's anything wrong with having an opinion. An opinion doesn't make me right. It's just my take on a certain situation - how I see it, if you will.

This week, I've been reading a lot of opinions on the recent news story about Paula Deen. I heard the news story that she'd revealed she's been living with Type 2 Diabetes for the past couple of years, and now she's a spokesperson for the diabetes drug that she's taking. This news has sent a shock wave through the blogging community.

The opinions I've read have all tended to agree. It's no shock that a woman who has made a career of cooking some of the most unhealthy foods imaginable suddenly reveals she has diabetes - her main ingredient for just about everything is butter. It's no shock that she's actually had diabetes for a few years now - I'm actually surprised she's dodged the bullet this long. It wasn't really that much of a shock that she chose not to reveal she had diabetes until she became a spokesperson for the drug - before you hate, think of the celebrities that are endorsing weight loss products. No, the real shocker came after she did an interview refusing to blame her eating or cooking for her getting diabetes.

I heard all of this discussed in great lengths on the radio this other morning. The hosts of the show just couldn't believe that she was blaming genetics, race, and everything but her cooking on the reason she has the disease. They reported that Paula has made several comments that her food was really meant for holidays...not something that should be consumed all of the time. They said that she had actually made the comment that her show only records 30 episodes a year, which left 235 days to cook healthier, more appropriate meals.

While listening and reading to everyone give their opinion, my mind went in a different direction. For some reason, the first thing I thought was if I found out that I had diabetes, what would be my excuse? Yep, you heard it right. I immediately wondered what excuse I'd blame. Would it be that diabetes runs rampant on both sides of my family? Would it just be because of my genetic make up that riddles the women in my family to be on the heavier side which opens up the doors for weight related diseases like diabetes? Well, rest assured, I couldn't be happy with settling for any of those excuses. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that if I found out from my doctor that I had diabetes tomorrow, my first thought would be: I did this to myself.

My excuses would have to fall at my own feet. I spend way too much time eating at restaurants like Golden Corral or getting dinner from Dominos. I have spent the past several months with the inability to just eat healthy portion sizes. I can't eat a piece of bread without smothering it in butter. I know that I'm killing myself slowly each time I crunch my 3rd or 4th cookie between my teeth....and putting things in to perspective I should be thanking all things holy that I don't have diabetes - yet.

I am in no place to judge Ms. Deen for her statements. I can't dig out my pitchfork and torch and join the mob that's pounding her for her statements. I keep in mind that most celebrities are limited to what they can and can't say on TV. Just think of the damaging effect that could erupt if she was to publicly announce that her cooking and her food is the direct cause of Type 2 Diabetes. Would you want to continue eating anything she promoted? I hope not. Would lawsuits start appearing accusing Paula Deen to be the new cause of diabetes? Probably. It makes much more sense for her to blame an array of other things - that are all valid causes, I might add - and then promote the fact that her son is going to start his own cooking show that focuses on healthier options, and her options can still be consumed on special occasions. That sounds much more warm and fuzzy and less life threatening.

So, it's really irrelevant what people think...myself included. Do I think that her eating is one of the causes of her disease? Absolutely. But if she's unable to come to terms with that - or is restricted by her PR reps to say it - I can live with that, too. What I can do is face the fact that I could be her in a year or five years or even ten years if I continue living and eating the way I do.

I have never eaten any of Paula Deen's stuff. Not that I know of, anyway. I don't need to - I have my own Betty Crocker living in my house. While I'm thankful that Hubby a/k/a Betty tries his hardest to cook on the healthier side, I still have some problems with eating small portions. He knows his way around the kitchen, and dang can the boy cook a mean meat pie, hearty chili, and stew. He's also recently been having an affair with the bread machine. Almost daily, I come home to the smell of freshly baked bread. And even though my thighs get bigger just taking a sniff - I eat what he makes.

Could I blame Hubby if I found out I have have diabetes? Sure. I could. But would it be true? No. He makes the foods, but I eat it. He's not tying me down and shoveling the food in to my pie hole. I can eat the foods without fear....if only I eat in moderation. That's the key. I've been told by many nutritionists and doctors that I really don't have to take any food out of my diet - but it's how often and how much I consume of the "evil" foods.

This approach has worked for me - very well, I might add - when I was having the most success with my weight loss. When I was conscious of how much food I was eating, and limiting the amount of food I ate - I lost weight. When I counted calories, told myself that there was food I couldn't eat, and used diet plans - I just couldn't stick with it.

I know what you're thinking - neither of those scenarios really worked, cause I still ended up gaining weight. That's a fair opinion. I guess I should change that to say that I had longer success with using portion control than I did with the other options. Once my portions started getting larger and larger, so did my waist line. It was a mind game I often played with myself. When I thought of certain foods as forbidden, my mind told me I had to have them. Then I was plagued with guilt after eating the foods - because, let's face it, I would always give in to my mind. I'm weak. When there was no forbidden foods, I was quite happy making healthier choices and enjoying the occasional piece of pizza or donut. My mind was able to shut off after a small amount - my cravings had been satisfied and there was no guilt plaguing me after.

I'm still struggling every day. I know that I will always struggle. I will never be "cured" of the fact that if I eat more unhealthy foods than healthy foods, I'll gain weight. It's science - and there's no arguing with the science of it. More calories in plus not many out equals an increasing waist line and an increase in the possibility that I could end up with a weight related illness.

So, in my opinion - and my opinion only - it doesn't matter what caused Paula's diabetes. It doesn't matter how she revealed it or what she's endorsing now. It doesn't matter that she's making the choice to not directly blame her food for her diabetes. None of it matters. All that matters is that I could be in her shoes some day in the near future, and the only way I can avoid that from happening is taking a cold, hard look at myself and STOP making excuses!

Till next time. ;)

I Apparently Have Lack of Movement Brain Fart Syndrome

2012-01-20T03:37:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

You're going to have to forgive me this morning. For some reason, my coffee just hasn't seemed to have kicked in and I'm sitting here with a completely blank mind. Unusual, isn't it? You know that means I'm just going to ramble away with whatever pops in my head. Otherwise known as a brain fart.

I slept like a baby last night. For some reason, I was exhausted at 7pm and asleep by 8. Not sure why. It's not like I've been doing anything extremely strenuous that would make me that tired. But I was. Actually, it's probably because I'm not doing anything extremely strenuous at the moment as to why I feel so tired all the time. I just don't have much energy. I just want to sleep. I know if I started getting more movement in to my life, once again, I'd have much more energy. I didn't even want to get out of bed this morning at 4...even though I'd been asleep for 8 hours.

It's two weeks until my gym opens. Two weeks!! That's such a long time. That's two Biggest Loser weigh-ins that I can't afford to just sit around and do nothing. Literally can't afford. I have the opportunity to win $100+. I've let the chance of winning these competitions slip through my fingers too many times. If I have any hope of actually winning, I can't just wait with the mentality that I'll be able to pull big numbers once I'm working out at the gym.

The weather is supposed to be pretty nice this weekend. And my brother is coming to spend the weekend with me. I'm thinking I might take the kids to the park for a while. It will be good for them to get out of the house in to the fresh air. It will be good for Momma, too. If I just made myself get out and walk for a bit, that would be so much better than doing nothing.

Let's not forget that my house is still in need of a serious scrubbing. I hate having company over at my house when it looks the way it does. It's embarrassing. I know it wouldn't take long to get the house clean, if I really buckled down to do it. But I always have this feeling that the minute the house is clean, it gets destroyed again. That's what happens when a 4 year old lives with you. She loves all of her toys...and plays with all of them. All over the living room, back room, kitchen, office. I'm pretty sure there's not a single spot in this house that doesn't show the signs that a 4 year old occupies the space with playing with her toys. And bless her heart, she tries (sometimes) to help clean up her own mess. But she's so overwhelmed by the amount of toys she has to clean up...she often just picks up a pile and moves it to a different location. I can't blame her. I'm overwhelmed looking at it - I can't imagine what it looks like to her.

Someone said to me the other day "be grateful that she actually plays with her toys...my kids have tons of toys that I never see". Yeah. That's something I guess I should be grateful for. She does play with those toys. I didn't say this, but I bet her house is clean. If her kids don't play with their toys, I bet she gets to enjoy a house free of obstacle courses and toe stubbings. This goes to show what happens when you complain about having two kids that never played with any of their toys. That was me a few years ago. Then, I just had to have a child that made sure not a single toy went unloved. Be careful what you wish for, I guess.

Well, don't I just sound like a Debbie Downer this morning? Did someone switch my coffee to decaf when I wasn't looking? I'm not in a bad mood. Promise! Just a little sluggish is all. Even I can't be perky every day...right? It is 5:15 in the morning, after all. And when have you ever known a brain fart to be a good thing? It stinks - just like real farts!

I've been thinking a lot these past couple of days about what I was like back in 2010 when I was Joanna - Warrior Princess. I've been reminded of that spunk I had every day. Every time someone mentions to me that they're thinking of joining the gym with me - or have done so already - I get all motivated and stuff. I remember the days when people looked up to me as a fighter. Someone who took weight loss by the horns, and was tackling that evil bull to the ground. I've still got the talk, but now I gotta start walking the walk. I've been sending out promises of whipping their behinds in gear. A promise I don't intend of breaking.

The problem is, they've seen that I made the progress. But they've also seen that I let it go. It's going to be hard to prove to them that I've still got it, and my gaining back the weight was just a bump in the road and not anything that will effect their success.

There's an opportunity awaiting me here. One that I can't let go. There was actually a time not so long ago when I wanted to dabble in being a trainer. Not the pumped up, wafer thin trainers you often see (and fear) at the gyms. No, a trainer that's still working towards her own goals...just helping other people along the way. I now have this opportunity staring me in the face. It's there for the taking. It's time to grab those horns, once again.

OK, I feel much better now. Time to go tackle some minds. There's a storm brewing inside of me...and I know that once it's unleashed - there will be no stopping me! And no, I'm not talking about the brain fart storm I just unleashed on you.

Till next time. ;)

I Just Can't Love Being Overweight

2012-01-19T04:11:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

Something has been eating at my mind since yesterday morning, and I just have to get it off my chest. I can't stop thinking about it...so I just have to say what I gotta say and be done with it. Yesterday morning, I saw a comment on my Facebook page from a person who left a link to an article she wanted me to read. Her intentions with sharing the article were with genuine concern. She is a person who obviously cares about a complete stranger - so I went straight to the article to have a read.

The article was written by an author who actually wrote a book on self-image. She's got a few books under her belt, actually. But the article wasn't about her books. It was about self-image. The article was Ten Rules for Fat Girls. Being that the author made it very clear from her first paragraph that "if you want to talk about how fabulous weight loss is you've got a whole internet to do it" I couldn't leave my comments on her blog. So I figured I'd bring it to my piece of the internet.

I will say that I don't want to bash this woman. Her underlying message presented with this post is heartfelt, genuine, and true. She wants women to love themselves for who they are, even if they are overweight. No on can argue with that. She then offers her "rules" as to how to love yourself as an overweight woman. As I read each rule, I understood where she was coming from. I understood her concern. I agreed with most of them. I also had my own opinions on what she had to say. Make sure you read the article. It will make a lot more sense with what I'm about to say. So...that's what I'm going to do now...

1. You Are Not Obligated to be Thin, Healthy, or Pretty. I agree. I don't think it's anyone's business about how I look. If they don't like it, they don't have to look at me...simple. She makes some valid points about not consorting to a set image that's instilled in to many people as being "normal". I don't feel obligated to be thin. It's a personal choice I'm making for myself. I do feel I have an obligation to my family to be healthy. I created my children and gave them the expectation that I'd be here for them to take care of them. When it boils down to it, though, I don't want to be healthy just so I live longer. I want to be healthy because I feel better when I'm healthy. I can do more stuff... like being active. I don't necessarily have to be thin to be healthy, I agree with that... but I know that many of my ailments would cease if I weighed less. And I already think I'm pretty...so no qualms there.

2. Don't Talk Sh*t About Your Body. This is probably one of the hardest things for me not to do. I talk a lot of sh*t about my body. I refer to myself as fat. Hello! Look at the title of my blog. I do it not because I hate myself, I just hate the way I look. I disagree with her mentality that a group of women talking about their weight loss journeys is a sign of body hating. When I'm talking about my healthy food choices and the success I'm having with making those food choices, I look at it as a victory for myself - not a bash at how I hate myself. I enjoy reading blogs about different weight loss journeys and have many conversations with weight loss minded people about the plans or programs they use. I don't automatically feel like they are bashing themselves because they are sharing their ideas and plans. I actually know of many women that would argue that their eating healthy is a sign of how much they love themselves. They treat their body as a temple and take good care of it. They love their body because of the healthy food that goes in. I definitely don't get the feeling when I read their blogs that they hate themselves because they chose to count calories or only eat certain foods.

3. Don't Talk Sh*t About Other People's Bodies. I can't argue with this one at all. I believe in the whole glass houses thing. I'm not about to talk crap about other people's bodies - thin or big. It's sad to think that people are judged based on their body size or appearance, but it happens. I just chose to not be one of the people that makes those nasty assumptions.

4. Wear Clothes that Fit. Oh, am I stickler for breaking this rule. When I feel fat, I wear clothes that try to hide it. I live in sweats and t-shirts. I try to wear oversized shirts to cover my mid-section. I don't like wearing anything tight. However, when I lost a lot of weight, I felt a lot more comfortable sporting clothes that hugged my hips a little more...showed off some curves. I loved how I felt and how I looked. I just can't do that when I feel the way I feel right now. I also refuse to buy more clothes now that I have put on more weight. Not because I love being uncomfortable trying to squeeze in to pants that fit perfectly a few months ago - but because I was happy when I wore those clothes when they fit right, and I want to feel that way again. Maybe it would just be easier to go that route, but then I wouldn't be happy...and that's what this is all about, right?

5. Demand Better Treatment from Healthcare Professionals. This rule is where she started to lose me, just a bit. Maybe it's because I haven't been "tortured" by healthcare professionals in terms of my weight. Have doctors expressed a concern about my weight and the complications it can lead to? Yes. Do I look at that concern as "fat hatred" and a social propaganda of healthcare professionals trying to mold the perfect race that should be thin? No, of course not. I don't feel hated from my healthcare professional. Or that my visiting him is a strain on his time or the economy. In fact, on the rare occasions that I've had to see him, he's made many comments about how healthy I am. But, when I have a family history riddled with diabetes and heart disease, I totally understand when he shares his concerns. If anything, I'd feel that there was something wrong if he didn't. His job is to keep me well. I don't believe for a second that I'm receiving some form of bigotry when he mentions that losing a few pounds would take the strain off of my knees and would help prevent the diseases that run wild through my family members.

6. Find A Way to Move. Another great rule. Although I can't wrap my head around her statement that "evidence directly linking being fat with illness is sketchy at best", I agree that moving is key to a happy, healthy live - regardless of size. I do agree that overweight people are often mocked when wanting to participate at gyms. They often get ridiculed for not wanting to lose weight, and ridiculed when they try. That I agree with 100%. Although, I personally haven't ever received anything but support when I attend a gym or want to participate in an active hobby, I know it does happen.

7. Stand Up for Yourself. I agree that many overweight people are bullied and ridiculed because of their size. I've lived with being taunted and laughed at because of my weight. I don't like feeling that ridicule. I wholeheartedly believe that people should stand up for themselves from body haters - and any other form of haters. No one knows the many possible causes that a person can be overweight. I'm one of those people that have struggled with being a overweight my whole life, but I also have demons that lead to the huge expansion of my waist line about 10 years ago. Each person's reasons or demons are different, and no one should ever be ridiculed for that. However, when I make a statement about how I don't like being overweight and someone offers a story of how they lost weight, I don't look at it as a form of bullying or ridicule. When I share my story with people, I don't think that I'm bullying them in to wanting to be thinner or healthier. I will never offer my advice without being asked...and I don't make anyone read my blog. I also don't feel that when I read other blogs of woman that have succeeded in their weight loss that what they are really saying is "you're still fat, I'm not, ha ha". Yes, I understand that I seek out that advice, but even when a complete stranger makes a comment on my blog with a suggestion or a piece of advice, I don't automatically feel like I've been bashed. I don't believe that everyone is out to belittle overweight people when they offer words of encouragement.

8. Deal With Your Fat. OK, I'll be honest, this one made me feel a little sick to my stomach. Hate me if you will, but I couldn't help it. When I read about how I should take extra care of drying in between my fat rolls, and taking precautions not to get heat blisters between my thighs, I felt a little queasy. Not because what she said was disgusting, but because I knew exactly what she was talking about it - and I hated it. Label it how ever you want, but I just can't wrap my head around loving my fat rolls. I just can't. Believe me, I've tried. I've often woken up thinking "so what if I'm fat", but a quick trip to the mirror brings me back to reality that I don't like my fat, never have, never will. I want it gone. I know that this is the whole point to her entire article, but I just can't find happiness in looking the way I do....and it's what motivates me to keep trying to get rid of it. I don't want to have to buy a bigger chair, I don't want to take up two spaces at a movie theater, and I don't want a seat belt extender. Not because I think there's anything wrong with any of those things - but because none of that makes me happy. Call me vain, brainwashed, crazy...whatever, but I can never wrap my head around the thought of just being happy being overweight. I'm happy trying to lose the weight...making the effort. If that's bad...then I'm a bad person.

9. There Are Worse Things In The World Than Being Fat. This rule is short, to the point, and absolutely true. There are of course far worse things than being fat. I've made that point countless times over when I put losing weight on a back burner because other priorities fall in to the mix. Although, I can't help but bring back the point that one worse thing than being fat is being dead. And even though the author clearly disagrees with me on this: Continuing to pack on the pounds could result in an early demise. I don't want that to happen. It's not the main reason I'm trying to lose weight though. My reasons are purely vanity driven. But, I will say that all of my reasons are purely for myself. I don't feel pressured to do it - I want to.

10. Don't Expect to Feel Awesome About Yourself Every Single Day Forever. I don't live with that expectation. Although, I will point out that when I weighed 212lbs I felt the most alive and wonderful I'd ever felt in a very long time. Haven't felt that way in a long time. I have good days, I have bad days...just like everyone else.

At the end of the day, this article is worth the read and the message is a good one. I guess what I'm trying to say with all of this is that no one is forcing me to lose weight. I don't hate myself because I'm fat. I don't like the way I look or the way I feel. I did a year ago, and I wasn't skinny then. It was because I had made significant changes to my lifestyle. I was eating healthy, I was active. I was enjoying life, and loving how I looked. I felt sexy. I felt powerful.

I know that there is too much pressure on society as a whole to fit a certain body image. I know that there is constant media about how the country is obese. I know that my wanting to lose weight has nothing to do with any of that. It all comes down to feelings. How I feel, how I look. My reasons to want to weigh less hasn't come from being forced in to thinking that I have to weigh less to be accepted by society or in order to be happy It all stems from my own wants. I want to be able to run long distances. I want to be able to feel sexy in lingerie. I want to be able to wear heels without fear of breaking an ankle or crippling my knees. I want to be alive for my children.

Again, I was very happy with the progress I made in 2010. I didn't transform myself in to a skinny, athletic goddess, but I made some serious improvements to my well being and my appearance. I want that feeling back again. I'm not happy. I know the point of that article was to tell me that I should be happy about myself - but I'm not. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. My wanting to change is for me and me only. I take no disrespect from people that are kind enough to share an article like this with me. I understand, I do. But, know that I am OK. I do love who I am - as a person - and I just want to better myself physically.

Till next time. ;)

Weigh In Wednesday

2012-01-18T03:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

Today is the day I'd thought I'd be excited about. Eighteen days ago, I thought for sure that once I was half way through January, I'd be off to a great start...and watching the scales decline at a rapid pace. Apparently, I'm not a very good psychic. I can't see in to the future. What I thought would be happening, and what is actually happening are two very different things.

Today I did my first official weigh in for the new year. Nineteen days ago, I stepped on the scale for the last time in 2011. It was the number I never wanted to see again. I wanted to kiss it goodbye forever. Leave it in my past.

The first couple of weeks of January have obviously not gone to plan. That's why I made it a goal not to set any weight loss goals...and let it happen at it's own pace. It's a good thing I did, because otherwise I'd be even more disappointed than what I am at this very second.

Let's get down to the numbers, shall we?

On December 31st, 2011 I weighed in at 239.8lbs. The weight I never wanted to see again. Now, 19 days later, I stepped on the scale to see....

239.4lbs

In a little under 3 weeks, I've managed to lose 0.4lbs.

Of course I'm not thrilled about the number. But, I really thought I was going to see a gain this morning...so I guess I should take a victory - regardless of how tiny it is. It's still pathetic, though, and I'm very ashamed.

When I look back to last week, I guess it is more of a victory than I'm giving myself credit for. I didn't do an official weigh in last week, because I was so appalled by the number. Last week, I saw 242lbs on the scale. I'd gained 2lbs in my first two weeks of the year. I just couldn't bring myself to start my weight loss documentation off like that. This week, however, I guess I can bask in the fact that at least I've lost 2lbs since last week. But it doesn't count. I chose not to post my weight last week, so I can't take credit for the loss now. Plus, how could I possibly be happy about gaining 2lbs last week? I can't...ergo, it doesn't matter that I'm back down to the number I'm at this week... I shouldn't have gained the weight in the first place!

My numbers line up pretty close for my Biggest Loser competition. When I did my first weigh in for that back on January 5th, I weighed in at 239.5lbs. Yesterday, I weighed in at 239.0lbs That's a half a pound lost for the competition. That's just as bad as my official weigh in. Mainly because I tried to pad some extra weight on to my first weigh in. I made sure I drank plenty of coffee and ate breakfast before weighing in. Yesterday morning, I'd only drank one cup of coffee. There's a valuable lesson here, folks... don't try and cheat the system. It will bite you in the ass every time.

I've made the executive decision that I will only be adding dollars to my Reward Jar. Meaning, that only whole pounds lost will get me money. So, for example if I lose 1.8lbs in a week - I get $1 added. I don't get to claim the extra until another full pound has been reached. If the following week, I gain 1.2lbs then I'd get $2 because of the 0.8lbs from the week before added to the 0.2lbs would give me a whole dollar amount. Did your head just explode from reading that? Mine did. In short... I'll show you how it will work once I actually get more than a pound weight loss. Hopefully that will come in the very near future.

It's exactly two weeks until my 30th birthday. It seems weird seeing it in print. I'll be 30 years old. It sounds funny when I say it out loud. Just doesn't seem possible. I can't believe that it's been almost 12 years since I gave birth to my first child. Five years ago, almost to the day, I started my college career feeling like four years was a very long time. But look how fast it flew by? I've now been out of school for 8 months. This year, I really want to make every moment count. I have a couple of dreams I want to see come true this year. One, of course, being that I finally get the classroom that I've been wanting for 25 years. The other? To see myself become the thinnest and most fit I've ever been. Wait, I don't like the word "thinnest". Let's replace that with reach the healthiest weight and most fit that I've ever been. There, that sounds better.

I have every intention of getting there. Intentions won't get me there, though. I have to follow through on those intentions. I know that. This isn't my first go around with this weight loss stuff. I am an expert at starting and not succeeding. I don't want to be that expert anymore. I want to be another success story. Another person that people can look to and say "well, if she can do it - anyone can". That's right! If I can do it anyone can. And get there I will!

Till next time. ;)

True Confessions Tuesday

2012-01-17T15:16:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

It's Tuesday, so I have to do my True Confessions. Being that I've received several new followers this week, I'll explain. Each Tuesday, I confess the stuff that I'm not proud of, the stuff that I am proud of, and everything else that I've been holding my tongue about. It's a bit I call True Confessions Tuesday. It was started at Shrinking Jeans, and I ~~stole~~ adopted it for my own blog. It's just another tool that helps keep me on track to see the mistakes I may make along the way.

I confess that today got off to a HORRIBLE start. I was awoken at 7am by Peanut. Yes, I said awoken, as in the time I was woken up from my sleep. 7am is the time I'm usually pulling in to the parking lot at work, if I'm not there already. I live about 35 minutes from work, when there's no traffic and I don't have to drop Jelly off at daycare. The traffic is terrible after 7am and I did have to drop Jelly off at daycare. I'm supposed to start work at 7:40.

I confess that despite all of what I just said, I still managed to get to work by 7:51. Don't ask me how, but I did. I was only 11 minutes late for work despite getting out of bed 51 minutes before. When you do the math, you'll notice that I managed to drive the 40 minutes in traffic, drop my child off at daycare, and get dressed in 51 minutes. I left the house at 7:15am - which is still record time to get me and the rest of the family dressed. I will also note that I didn't speed...too much. A miracle took place this morning.

I confess that if you did do the math, you'll see that it was impossible for me to have taken a shower before getting ready for work. So, yes, I confess I did not take a shower before work this morning. It's all about priorities, people!! That's what body spray was invented for, right?

I confess that I ate dinner at Golden Corral last night. It was my brother's birthday, and that's the place he picked to eat his birthday dinner. It goes without saying that I over ate. I mean, how can you possibly eat at a place like Golden Corral and not? Please keep your comments to yourself about eating only from the salad bar and avoiding the dessert bar. I could have gracefully bowed out. In fact, I tried. I told my brother that I was pretty strapped for cash. Apparently I'm a sucker, and so is Hubby. Hubby offered to pay for dinner so that my brother would be happy. My brother was happy - but I wasn't when I weighed in for Biggest Loser this morning.

I confess that I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw that I had a loss when weighing in for the Biggest Loser this morning. Even if it was only 1/2 a pound. Let's not consider the fact that I totally cheated for my first weigh in by eating and drinking before weighing in. When that's put in to perspective, my 1/2 a pound loss is pretty pathetic. Even without putting that in to perspective, it's still pretty pathetic.. but I'll take any loss I can get.

I confess that after seeing the number this morning on the scale, I fear that there will not be any money added to my Reward Jar this week. There may be a withdrawal made, in fact. My first official weigh in may result in losing money before there's even any money in it. How sad is that? But, regardless of whether or not I start out in the negative... I've been known to turn things around pretty quickly when it comes to finances. I better not be in the negative this time next week!

I confess that the Biggest Loser competition at work is going to help, I can feel it. Hearing some of the successes this week really made me feel like a loser - and not in the good kind. I'm the one that's heading up the competition, so I think it's only fitting that I put forth the best effort I can.

I confess that I ordered Girl Scout Cookies today. I know...not the brightest thing to do after what I just said about putting my best foot forward with the BL competition. BUT, I ordered a box for Hubby, a box for the kids, and ordered the fat free lemon ones for myself. I just have to make sure that I portion out the servings and use them as snacks instead of devouring the whole box in one sitting. Impossible, you say? Well, I like to take on a challenge.

I confess that I know I haven't started off this year strong. All joking aside, I don't like making light of a situation I have created for myself. There's no rhyme or reason why I'm not here confessing how wonderful I feel about starting off the year strong. I am the captain in control of this aircraft. It appears I have left the autopilot on, and need to take back control. It's been difficult, to say the least. I'm also not going to pretend that a magic spark has been lit and all things will change starting this very second. I do feel that once my gym opens up, and I can start working out there each day - things will change. Call it an experiment, if you will. I've said a couple of times now how I feel that I always start the year off strong, and fizzle out a few months in. This time around, I'm starting off the year weak and weary - but my strength will come...and hopefully it will lead to a strong finish.

Alright, confessions over for one week. Nothing more to see here. Tomorrow is my first official weigh in for the year, and while I'm expecting bad news...it will be good to get my progress (or lack thereof) in black and white. Time for accountability!!

Till next time. ;)

This Is Why I Don't Like Saying I'm Going to Do Something Before I Do It

2012-01-16T06:44:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

Guess who didn't get any cleaning done yesterday whatsoever? Go ahead...guess. Wow, how'd you guess so fast? Yes, it was me. The person who spilled my guts on how gross my house was didn't get a single bit of cleaning done yesterday. This is why I must learn my lesson of not saying what I'm going to do and just wait until it's done before mentioning it. So, this morning I still have a house that looks like a tornado swept through it.

My intentions were there, I promise. I left my computer and went straight to the living room to start cleaning. And then this little four year year old appeared before me, with her bloodshot eyes from spending the previous 24 hours puking her guts up. She looked at me and said in her most sweetest of voices "Mommy, will you watch a movie with me before we clean?" I tried to fight it. I tried to persuade her to let me do the cleaning first and then we'd watch movies... but I couldn't argue with her argument. "You'll be cleaning for a long time. Could we just watch the movie first and then I'll help you clean". **Insert cute little eyelash flutter** How could I say no to that? She even wanted me to pick out the movie.

So, I caved. I know. I'm weak. I knew in an instant that very little cleaning would get accomplished once I sat my behind on the couch snuggled up with my Jelly. I did what I always do... I told myself that it could always get done tomorrow. What are three day weekends for, right?

I picked out a classic. I figured if I picked out an old movie, maybe.. just maybe..she'd lose interest pretty quick. See, I still had hope - that counts for something, right? I picked Bedknobs & Broomsticks. I haven't seen that movie since I was a little girl - but it was one of my favorites. I'd watch that movie when I was not much older than Jelly with my grandma. Who'd have known that my child would love the movie as much as I had - but she did. She sat and watched the whole thing. Not only that, but as soon as it was over she wanted to watch another movie. Sigh.

On the plus side, she told me that while I was changing out the movie, she'd clean up some of her toys. And she did. I took my time swapping out the movies...and she went to work picking up all of her toys and dumping them in to the playroom. Not exactly what I'd call cleaning, but they were finally out of the living room. The second movie on the agenda? Mary Poppins. She loved that movie just as much as she liked the first one. My daughter definitely has my blood pumping through her veins, that's for sure.

So, after Mary Poppins had flown off in to the sunset, I knew my day was shot. It was time to start getting dinner ready, and lazing on the couch all day had taken away any motivation to clean. I know, it's terrible... excuses, excuses. No matter how hard I try to rid my life of them, they still know exactly when and where to rear their ugly heads.

Today, I have no choice to get off my lazy behind. I've got to take Butter and Jelly to the dentist and then I've got to go to Oklahoma to pick up Peanut. She's been staying at my mom's since Friday. Then I have to do grocery shopping. That's one thing I haven't faltered on this year - making my meal plan in advance. Hubby has been a huge help with that...and I credit him for doing most of the work. He comes up with the meals, I put the stuff we need in to a list, and then I go to the store to buy it. I'd take my part of the job versus his any day. My focus for this week is lowering the serving sizes for everyone.

The past couple of weeks, we've been getting back in to the habit of cooking healthier meals - but the portion sizes have still been way above what they should be. I want to focus on buying less food so that less food is prepared causing less food to be eaten. I've done OK with my eating, but OK isn't good enough. It's not just me I'm worried about, either. I need to start keeping an eye on the portions the rest of the family are eating. It's no good being on this healthy journey alone... my kids need to be on it too. I will never restrict their eating too much, but I think preparing less food will help curb the need for them to eat second helpings - when the first helping should be plenty. Plus, it helps me do the same.

Have I mentioned how I can't wait for the gym to open? Oh, I have. Well, then I'm saying it again. I CAN'T WAIT! Seriously. Despite not wanting to lift a finger to do an ounce of working out at home, the excitement that's boiling up inside over the near approaching opening of my new gym is making me excited. This month may be a wash, I'm preparing myself for that... but who says I can't really get in to the swing of things until February? The way I look at it, I'm getting my body back to healthy eating mode this month...and used to drinking a gazillion ounces of water each day....so by the day I enter that gym for my first work-out, I'll be ready for it.

Please bare with me during this time of uncertainty. Believe me when I say that I hadn't intended on moving at the speed of an elderly turtle while getting back on to the weight loss wagon. I have the intentions for big things this year, and the year has only just begun. What may appear as lame ass excuses for not doing anything monumental during this time - just remember the story of that turtle, when he was in the race with the hare. I'll get there, I just have to move at my own pace. Please just stick with me a couple more weeks - I know without a shadow of a doubt that the waiting will be worth it.

Alright, busy day ahead. Must go.

Till next time. ;)

Glad That's All Over... Now It's Time to Deep Clean

2012-01-15T07:10:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

It appears Jelly is out of the woods. She hasn't emptied her stomach through her mouth since 11 last night...so that's a good sign. She's even eaten a bowl of Jell-O this morning with no repercussions. She's been up off the couch playing a bit, too, so I'm really starting to think that the bug is gone. Fingers crossed. Her poor little eyes are all blood shot from the heaving that took place yesterday... but other than that, she seems to be back to her cheerful self.

The only plans I have for today is to clean my house. It's in desperate need of it, again. It feels like I say that way too much. The amount of times I've told my kids if they keep their rooms clean, they'll stay clean...and then I don't listen to my own advice with the rest of the house. If I cleaned more often, I wouldn't have such a big mess to take care of when I do decide to clean.

I don't like it when a sick bug has entered the house. Makes me want to start scrubbing every surface, and disinfecting everything. With the mess that's going on in my living room, I'd hate to think what ofter germs may be taking up residence. Seriously. It's bad in there. Jelly's toys fill up about every spot of carpet that's not already taken up with furniture. They are also all over the couch where a human behind doesn't rest continually. I'm pretty sure there's about an inch of dust on the entertainment center, and a family of dust wolves ate the dust bunnies...and left the remains for all to see. Yes, it's gross.

Deep cleaning definitely has it's advantages, though. Like causing me to break a sweat. I'm not one to take deep cleaning lightly, and it's quite common to see me on my hands and knees scrubbing. Vacuuming carpets isn't enough for me... I usually vacuum then get down on my hands and knees and scrub. After living in this house for over 4 years, you'd think I would have given up on the stains that are on my carpet. But I haven't. Each time I clean, I scrub those stains thinking that maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to get rid of them. It goes to show how much of an optimist I really am.

I'm glad that I have an extra day off this weekend. Granted, I'll be running around non-stop tomorrow what with dentist appointments, having to pick Peanut up from her grandparent's house, and grocery shopping... but it's stuff that needs to be done, and I have an extra day to do it.

I'm pretty disappointed with myself for not working out this week. Looks like I won't be earning my extra $5 bonus for getting in 3 work-outs this week. That's pretty sad, being that this is the first official weigh-in week. Well, it's pretty sad that my first official weigh-in week is taking place 3 weeks in to the new year. Oh well, I have been eating much better and drinking lots of water. I'm hoping for some change on the scale this week... but not counting my chickens just yet. I know from experience that just cutting down on my eating isn't enough to see real results. No excuses, though, what I see is what I'll take...plus or minus.

I know that once the gym opens, things will be so much different. I know that sounds bad...being that it sounds like I'm making a big fat excuse for not working out right now. But it is what it is. I really haven't felt like running, which is weird for me. It's my exercise of choice, usually, but I just haven't even had the urge to go out for a run. I've had the urge to go to the gym.. but it's not open. Once it's open, I'll be there...at least three times a week. Maybe I'm craving some social interaction with my work-outs this time around. That never happened before, but now that I know I'll be going to the gym with friends - my outlook has changed a little. Going out for a run all by myself just doesn't do it for me right now.

My birthday is Feb. 1st and the gym opens Feb. 4th. I can't think of a better way to celebrate my birthday. I'll be stepping in to the role of a thirty year old by doing something for myself - a big something. I don't know why I feel like the opening of this gym is going to be my saving grace, but I do. If for the next two weeks I do nothing more than just eat right and drink water - I'm OK with that. I'll be ready to move full speed ahead starting Feb. 4th.

Alright, enough stalling... time to get busy.

Till next time. ;)

Not Exactly How I Planned on Spending My Saturday...

2012-01-14T07:08:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

Well, my Saturday is off to a great start. And I say that with the most amount of sarcasm I can muster in typed words.

I was woken up this morning at 5:30. No biggie, it was Jelly wanting the TV put on in the living room. Jelly often makes her way to the living room around that time every morning, if she hasn't already slept there the night before. Nothing out of the ordinary with that - she wants the TV on so she can go back to sleep....except for the words she uttered before I waddled back to bed. "Mommy, my belly hurts". Hearing those words told me that trouble was brewing. I did the usual Mommy checks: Hand to forehead - hmm, doesn't feel warm. Face check - color still there. I asked if she wanted something to drink, she didn't...so I went back to bed.

My suspicions were confirmed two hours later, when I heard crying. Being awoken by crying is never a fun situation for any parent. Your mind automatically goes in to panic mode, and you jump out of bed like a bullet, and jump over any hurdle that may be in your way to get to the sound. Only the sound wasn't just crying...there was heaving involved with the crying. That sound causes even more panic. Hubby and I were both out of bed in the blink of an eye.

We found the source of the sounds coming from the kids' bathroom. There was my poor little Jelly, standing over the toilet, puking and crying at the same time. Mother of the Year, here, immediately thought "Thank goodness she made it to the toilet". Hey - don't hate. Cleaning up puke is the worst...behind cleaning up poop. Those are two things that this Momma has a tough time with, so I felt a flittering moment of relief when I saw that I wasn't going to have to clean any bodily fluids from any soft surface.

I stood behind her, holding her hair and rubbing her back, trying to console her. Jelly hasn't dealt with puking in a very long time - so it's pretty scary for her. After it was over, I got her to cleaned up, made her a comfy bed up on the couch, got her something to drink, and fetched a bucket...as a precaution... to place by her side. She's resting on the couch right now, watching cartoons.

Here in a little while, I'll go to the store and stock up on the stomach bug necessities: Pedialite, chicken noodle soup, and bread (for toast).

This is one of the downfalls of working in a school. Bringing home germs and bugs. There's been quite the epidemic at work this week, with kids dropping like flies with stomach bugs. Lots of kids have been absent, and just as many have been sent home after puking or running a fever. I suppose it was inevitable that one of my kids was going to pick something up. Just didn't expect it to the be the kid that doesn't even attend public school yet. Then again, my poor Jelly also got chicken pox a little over a month ago from who knows where. They didn't have any other kids with chicken pox at her daycare.

One thing I am very grateful for is the fact that Jelly handles being sick like a champ. She usually spends the entire day sleeping on the couch or watching TV. She's just like her momma - much rather try to sleep off any sickies than try to do anything else.

So, today, I'll spend the day taking care of my sick baby. I'll curl up on the couch with her, watch cartoons with her, and make her as comfortable as I can. There could be worse ways to spend my Saturday, I suppose. I don't like it when my kids are sick, but being able to be there for them and comfort them is the silver lining to situations like this.

Alright...here I go. Here's to hoping that my baby gets better very soon.

Till next time ;)

BYOC - To Brighten My Day

2012-01-13T15:24:00.000-08:00

This morning's post was kind of blah. I don't want to end my Friday on a downer, so I'm gonna do another round of BYOC - Friday night edition! I'm Bringing My Own Crazy, and gonna have some fun with it.

The awesome Draz comes up with 5 questions...and then I answer them. It has become quite a phenomena as I see more and more people participating. So, here goes...

1. Do you have a favorite traditional “birthday meal”? If yes – what is it and what is the meaning behind it?

I don't really have a tradition when it comes to my birthday. I'm lucky if it even gets noticed. That's not entirely fair - I don't really like my birthday to be a big deal, so it's not like Hubby is some mean man that doesn't remember my birthday. Some years, we've gone out to eat the weekend before or after my birthday. Sometimes it's been breakfast. It just depends on if I'm in the mood to acknowledge my birthday, if we have the money, and if I want to go out.

2. If you’ve lost weight, has your style changed since you lost weight? Or what's your dream purchase when you do lose weight/hit goal?

My style changed drastically when I really lost a lot of weight. I went from living in baggy sweats and t-shirts to owning dresses, and "girly" clothing. I dared to be different, and started showing off some of the curves that were starting to appear out of the fat rolls. I even started wearing heels, which I haven't done since high school - and even then it was for special occasions only.

Now that I've gained quite a bit back, I'm back to living in sweats. I hate that my clothes don't fit anymore, and I hate the way I look in just about everything "girly". My dream is to get rid of everything I own and replace the whole damn wardrobe with size 12 clothing. Dresses, skirts, tighter fitted jeans, dress pants that don't cause muffin top, fitted shirts...that's my dream, and I'll get there. I promise you that!

3. Pick one question of the following two to answer: Who is your favorite Muppet and why? Or who is your favorite Smurf and why?

Will I be forever hated if I say that I never really watched the Smurfs or the Muppets? I didn't. I was much more in to Fraggle Rock for my puppet fix...and cartoons were few and far between. I guess if I had to pick, though, I'd say Smurfette - just because she's the only female smurf and she totally dominates the Smurfs with her sex appeal. The Muppets would have to be Miss Piggy cause she doesn't give a flying rat's behind what anyone thinks of her.

4. When you buy a lotion or after bath spray or body spray or candle (not perfume) – what’s the “flavor” you always find yourself loving the most?

I'm a sucker for fruity flavors...although I do like perfumy scented lotions and body sprays, too. I am fond of vanilla. I don't like the sprays that smell like food - birthday cake, cookies, stuff like that. (Sorry, Draz). When it comes to candles, that's when I'm a sucker for food....of the sweet kind. I love the apple pie, pumpkin pie, or chocolate scented candles.

5. Repeat question. Summarize your week in real life and in blogland.

Real life has been goodish. I joined a gym this week, and can't wait for Feb. 4th when it opens up. I have been enjoying work, and loving the people I work with more and more each day. I really feel like a part of the team, and feel like for the first time in my life I can actually call my co-workers friends. I have also been dealing with a case of the crappies this week. I had trouble sleeping Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday nights - which led to an almost migraine on Wednesday. That sent me home from work for the day. Then I was dealing with the most awful back pains. They both seemed to have settled down today, so that's good. Had a great meeting with my principle today, and she gave me some great tips to be working on before looking for a teaching job next year - so that was awesome, too!

Blogland has been about the same. I've posted about everything mentioned above, except for the conversation with my principle...cause that happened today. I've been faced with a lot of realization with things that are happening or have happened since the weight gain. I'm also facing that it's all my fault, and I'm the only one that can do something about it. I'm hoping that this next week is full of a lot more humor and high points and way less downers.

Alright, I'm done for today. If you want to join in, copy the questions to your own blog and then let me know so I can read your answers!!

Everyone enjoy your Friday night!

Till next time. ;)

I Want the Pain To Go Away.....Again!

2012-01-13T03:34:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

I'm pretty sure I've said this a thousand times, but I LOVE cold weather. I love being able to snuggle up in the evenings in front of a crackling fire place. I love going to bed and having to pile on blankets because there's a chill in the air. I've always loved cold weather.

We haven't had much cold weather in my neck of the woods, this winter. There have been days here and there where the temps have been in the 30s and 40s, but then there's a week or two of temps in the 60s. The temperature has been up and down like a yo-yo since October. It just can't make up it's mind. Yesterday, we got a dusting of snow - after two continual weeks of temps in the high 60s Right now, I'm pretty sure it's about 20 degrees outside. I don't have to look at a thermometer to know this. I can fill it in my bones. Literally.

Thus, brings me to what I have on my mind this morning. My aches and pains.

Since high school, I've had some serious problems with my knees. I had a nasty injury as a sophomore in high school that left hardly any cartilage around my knee cap. I'm one of those people that can feel cold weather and rain coming just by the pain in my knee. For years, I've relied on braces and ice packs to help ease the discomfort. That was, until I lost weight.

In April of 2010, I hobbled my way through my first 5K. It was agony. After I was done, I was on the couch for 2 days after because I couldn't walk from the pain. Slowly, but surely, I recovered and kept working hard to push my knee while running. After about 60lbs were gone, the pain in my knee almost disappeared. By the time I was down in to the 2-teens with my weight (80lbs lost), I had no more pain. It was heaven. I was able to run for miles and not even have a twinge of discomfort in my knee. I knew it was because I had finally relieved the strain that was being put on my knee...the weight.

Now, the pain has returned. Not just my knee pain, either. Nope, now I have more aches and pains to throw in the mix.

For the past couple of months, when Aunt Flo has made a visit, I've noticed an increase in pain. It started out with the headaches. I can now determine the exact date when Aunt Flo is coming by the migraine that always comes one week in advance. I've had a few migraines in my life - bad enough to bring me to tears because the pain is so bad. Now, they are occurring every month. Then, there's the back pain. Holy mother of Hades the back pain. This just started...and I hate it. I feel like I'm in labor. The pain in my back comes and goes like contractions, and it's knocked the wind out of me several times over the past couple of days.

I didn't have any of this nonsense when I weighed 212lbs. The only pain I ever felt was from sore muscles - that I embraced as a sign of my hard work during a good work-out. Now, I just have to stand up and I'm in agony. Or the cold weather makes an appearance, and I feel it.

I was warned about the headaches and "other symptoms" when I got my new implant. Of course, back then I was in the 220's. That was the higher scale for being allowed to have the implant. My doctor warned me that if I gained too much weight, I'd start noticing some complications. She told me I could start experiencing headaches, cramping, back pain. She told me. Yet, I didn't let it phase me. For the first two months I had no symptoms. I had no problems.

But, now that I'm floating around 240lbs... I've gone too far. I'm in the "not advisable" category... yet, it's too late. I already have the implant. I'm now faced with two options: Lose the weight or lose the implant. The implant is not going anywhere.

I know all of this is maybe TMI, and I'm sorry. Well, not really. The only thing I'm sorry about is letting myself get to the point where I even have to discuss something like this.

I had an implant while back in 2010 when I was losing weight like a mad woman. I can't and won't blame the implant for the weight gain. Yes, I know that a side effect to many forms of birth control is weight gain... yet, that didn't affect me before so I'm not about to use it as a crutch now. I was the one that gained the weight - all by myself. I know face the consequences of my actions. Not just in mental pain, but in physical pain.

It goes to show that there's a lot more at stake with gaining weight than just having clothes that no longer fit. It also goes to show how in the blink of an eye, everything I worked so hard to achieve can be gone..and in it's place is pain and uncomfortableness.

Gaining weight is easy. It only requires two things. Stuffing my face silly, and not working out. Yet, reversing the damage is just as easy. Stop stuffing my face silly and start working out. This isn't my first rodeo. I've been down this road more times than I care to count. Yet, I never had the victory of being completely pain free like I was just over a year ago. Having all of these comparisons really set the tone for what I'm achieving....again.

So, now I get to add another incentive to the work I'm doing. I want to be pain free again. I want to be able to work out and run for hours without having to worry about spending days recovering. I don't want to be a personal weather gauge. I don't want to roll out of bed for a week each month feeling like I'm an 90 year old woman stricken with crippling back pain.

My goodness, you have no idea how much I can't wait for Feb. 4th to get here. The day my new gym opens. The day I get to walk in and meet with a trainer that's going to help me get back to that woman I was...and the woman I still want to be. There's a lot to be done until then, though. So I'm sucking up the pain. It's now literally come down to Move It or Lose It. Move my behind or lose my implant. Again, the implant's not going anywhere.

Oh, and apparently I have another PMS symptom... feeling horribly sorry for myself. Ready to get rid of that one, too! This weekend's forecast calls for some serious movement... to help get rid of the gloomy clouds that have been hanging overhead for far too long!

Till next time. ;)

Fly Me Away to Planet Fitness!!

2012-01-12T03:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

It is the 12th day of 2012, and I've already broken one of my "resolutions". You remember that fancy goal list I made? The one where I said I will eat healthy, exercise regularly, and NOT join a gym? Well, that last one has already been thrown out the window. Yes, just 12 days in to the new year.

Although, if I had to pick any of the resolutions to break - of course it'd be that one. I wasn't going to join a gym because I wanted to break the cycle of joining a gym, using it for a month or two, and then giving up on it because it's too far to drive and I just don't have the time to get there. Well, I didn't expect a gym to be put in right across the street from where I worked, and costing less than any other gym I've ever worked with. But, I found one.

So, as of yesterday afternoon, I'm now a member of Planet Fitness. The new gym that's opening up right across from my school and the one that's sponsoring The Biggest Loser. The gym doesn't open until Feb. 4th, but I can't wait to get in there and start getting down with the fitness.

When I got to the gym, I was greeted by a very nice salesperson who gave me the rundown of the the gym features, and how the gym will work. I already knew I was going to join, but I had questions and he was able to answer them with his little pitch. Basically, for $10 a month I get to use the gym whenever I want and I get personal training, if I want it, for free. I seriously considered upgrading to the $20 package, but decided to hold off on that for now.

The $20 membership offers unlimited tanning, hydrotherapy massage beds, massage chairs, 50% off drinks, and red light therapy. Red light therapy is similar to a tanning bed, except it's purpose is to reverse all of the damage done by tanning beds. It's supposed to reverse dark spots, detox and cleanse skin, reduce cellulite, and even increase metabolism. Interesting, right? I think all of those amenities are worth the extra $10 a month, but I want to see how I do with just going to the gym before I start worrying about other stuff.

So, I signed up, got my free t-shirt and membership tag, and was all set to begin my gym journey on Feb. 4th. They are even having one of the previous Biggest Loser winners there on opening day...that will be fun!

Other than joining the gym, yesterday was a rough day. I ended up going home from work at 9 because my head was pounding. I'd never usually go home because of a headache... but this was the mother of all headaches, and I knew that if I didn't do something about it stat, I'd be fighting a migraine right about now. I came home, got on the couch, and slept for 3 hours. I needed it. I haven't been sleeping so well the past few nights, and my body just said THAT'S ENOUGH!

Once I woke up, I had to go get the kids from school. That's one of the downfalls with having my kids in the school district I work rather than the school district I live in. If I'm sick, I still have to get them to and from school. I know Hubby would have gone, if I'd asked him, but I was feeling much better after my nap. Plus, I wanted to go by the gym.

This morning, I'm feeling much better. Even after sleeping for 3 hours yesterday, I was still able to go to bed at 9 last night and get a good night's sleep. When I woke up this morning, I saw snow. Yes, SNOW!! That white stuff that has been in very short supply this winter.
At first, I was excited...then I realized there's not really enough of it to close schools... but enough to make the roads very slippery and the drive to work a living Hell. Just the thought of driving in any amount of snow gives me the heeby geebies. I don't like it one bit! The last time I drove in such a small amount of snow, I was sliding through every intersection, and wasn't able to stop behind cars. It was the most scared I've ever been behind the wheel. I do not feel like doing that again this morning, but I gotta do what I gotta do.

So, now I better get ready... cause I want to leave a lot earlier so that I have plenty of time to drive 10mph all the way to work. If other drivers don't like it - which they won't because snow around here brings out all the crazy drivers - they can just bite me. I'm not going to put myself or my kids in danger.

Till next time. ;)

Mind Over Matter

2012-01-11T03:41:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary....

This morning, I feel fatter and more bloated and more miserable about my weight than I have in months. And it's not because of Aunt Flo. Well, not all of it, anyway.

Despite being in a constant battle with my weight for years, the past two years I've embraced the changes I made within myself in 2010...and really started to like the body that was appearing before me. Even as I was gaining weight at a rapid pace last year, I wasn't ready to give up the fact that I was losing that trimmer me that I had worked so hard to mold. I felt my pants getting tighter, I felt the need to have to up a pant size, but I never felt the weight gain really affecting me other than that.

This morning, for some reason, it did. It hit me hard. After I searched for clothes, and then found an outfit that I thought was cute (a dress and leggings), I got a horrible smack in the face once I put it on. The arms of the dress are tight. It doesn't fit right around the middle. For the first time in a very long time, I felt horribly fat looking at myself in the mirror.

Despite the name of my blog, I haven't referred to myself as fat for a while. A lot of it had to do with my not wanting to admit how much damage I've done to myself. Another part of it was because of the stern scolding I got from Draz a couple of months ago. I promised myself that I was going to move away from thinking of myself as fat... but I can't help it today. I feel fat. I feel the fat.

I stood on the scale again this morning. Because, you know, there's nothing like adding fuel to a good blazing fire. I've gained. I'm still excusing myself from an "official" weigh in today...but I shouldn't. It's just another excuse to not face the fact that I didn't start the year out how I'd planned. I've completely wasted 10 days making excuses.... the one thing I told myself I wasn't going to do.

Starting 2012 off weighing 239.2 lbs wasn't pleasant. Especially knowing that less than a year ago, I weighed 210lbs. That's hard for me to swallow. Seeing a number in the 240's? That's just about enough to choke on. When I said I didn't want to see the 239 number anymore, it didn't mean because I wanted to make it to the 240s. Ugh!

I know my weight gain could be caused by Evil Monthly Woman.... but even that is an excuse. If I'd really hankered down the past 10 days, and done what I should have done, then the monthly weight gain still wouldn't have put me above my starting weight for the year. No, even she can't be blamed for what I saw this morning.

Before you start thinking that I'm getting all depressed and thinking of just giving up... hold your horses! That's not where I'm going with this mildly depressing post. Yes, I feel fat. Yes, I feel like it's my own fault. Yes, it is all my own fault. And, yes, I hate the way I feel. BUT, and it's a big but - just like mine - I need to feel this way! Whaaaatttt???? Am I crazy? Maybe. But it's true. I need to feel fat. I need to feel somewhat miserable. I need to feel this frumpy, ugly feeling. There's no other way I'm going to do something about it unless I feel it. You see where I'm going here?

It occurred to me this morning that when I've been looking in the mirror, I haven't been paying attention. I haven't been seeing the before weight-loss me standing there, smiling that evil "I told you I would win" smile. I saw her this morning. In her full 240-something pound glory. She was so happy with herself. She's lazy, she's fat, and she likes being that way. Unfortunately for her, the post weight loss me has been around just long enough to not give up that easy. She still remembers the wonderful feeling that came when slipping comfortably in a size 16 pair of jeans. She still remembers how awesome it felt to be able to run 3 miles without having to stop for air - or an ambulance. She still remembers the amazing feeling that came from people making constant compliments about how wonderful she looked and how hard she was working. She remembers and she wants it again.

So, sorry Before Weight Loss me...you made a bad mistake showing yourself to me this morning. Bad for you, anyway. I'm going to embrace this feeling of fatness and use it to my advantage. I'm going to keep looking in the mirror and reminding myself how much I hate what I see when I see you. I'm going to keep putting on clothes that are too tight and making myself feel awkward and frumpy. I'm going to keep doing it because feeling that way makes me angry, it makes me sad, and most of all - it makes me determined to get rid of those feelings once and for all.

I'm joining that gym, damn it. I will figure out something to do with the kids. If I can find a corner for them to sit in and read for 45 minutes while I work out, I'll do it. My kids know how important it is for me to succeed... if I lay on a little guilt trip about how I need them to be good so that I can succeed? I'm sure they'll help me out.

This morning, I pulled out a picture that I'd planned on burning. It's a photo that was taken right before Christmas - me sitting with Santa. I hate the photo. It's a photo of Before Weight Loss Me...and she has that smile on her face. I've put it right next to my computer...so that even when I'm not looking at her in the mirror, I'm looking at her as I'm sitting here. I will look at her every single day until she's gone... for good. I've decided it's not looking towards what I want to look like, it's looking at what I want to get rid of that fuels my fire. Well, the fire has been lit. Game on!

Till next time. ;)

True Confessions Tuesday

2012-01-10T03:57:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary....

I don't think I really need to explain what I'm doing. I'm going to confess everything from my past week. Good, bad, ugly. Usually more bad and ugly than good - but I hope that starts to change, soon.

I confess that I didn't make it to the gym last night to check it out because I was at the library getting a library card. Sounds stupid, I know, but it's something Hubby has been wanting me to do - and I finally decided to do it. My intent was to go straight to the gym after, because it's on the way, but I didn't realize it took half an hour to get a library card. Yes, apparently it's been that long since I've had a library card.

I confess that I'm still drinking water while at work like it's going out of style. And in the bathroom just as often. I'm hoping my body will start to adjust to the amount of fluid it's taking in, cause my little hallway dances where I'm rushing to the bathroom aren't really that pleasant to look at.

I confess that I'm exhausted. Sunday night I just wasn't tired, and didn't go to sleep until around midnight. I was then up at 4:30 yesterday morning. I had planned an early night last night, but didn't go to bed until 10. Then, I was up again at 4:30 this morning. I know feel like a walking zombie. I'm having that early night tonight. You can count on it.

I confess that I went to bed last night because Jelly kept me hostage making hats for her baby dolls. What started out as me just making a hat for her favorite baby doll turned in to her dragging out all three of her favorite baby dolls and then me having to make hats for all of them. I was quite ready for bed at 9, but I'd only finished one hat by then. It took me an hour to finish the other two. My crochet hobby is supposed to be for fun and relaxation. Didn't realize it could turn in to a sweat shop situation where I was forced in to shooting out baby doll sized hats. I know, I could have just told Jelly no - and that I had to go to bed - but the kid knows exactly how to work me. Like using my own words against me. "But Mommy, it's not fair if only one of my baby dolls has a hat. You said I have to be fair...". Ugh...that kid is an evil genius.

I confess that I wasn't happy when I stepped on the scale this morning. I know that it's a day early, but after seeing what I saw - I've decided that I'm not weighing in this week....officially. Call it a cop out, if you will, but I want to give myself another week. A part of it has to do with Aunt Flo showing her ugly head this morning. A part of it has to do with the fact that I haven't done any exercise since the new year and I want to see how much of a difference there is with the number next week when I've actually done some exercise. The first competitive weigh-in for the Biggest Loser competition is next week - so I'll just work with that calendar.

I confess that I'm definitely having a hard time finding my groove. I've always heard that it's hard to get back on the wagon after falling off. For the past two years, that hasn't really been an issue. I start the new year off with vigor and determination. This year, things are going much slower. I'm hoping that it's just a sign that a reverse play is happening. I start off slow, and finish the year strong. Rather than starting off strong and fading out a few months in. That's possible, right?

I confess that I'm looking forward to my 3 day weekend that's coming up. School's out next Monday for professional development. Being that I'm not employed as a teacher, I don't have to go. I guess that's one of the upsides to not being employed as a teacher - although I'd trade a few extra days off for a classroom any day. Maybe this time next year I'll be excited that I'm going to professional development. That would be nice, wouldn't it?

Alright, not sure if it's the exhaustion or not, but I can't really think of any more confessions. I hate when Aunt Flo is here, it makes me all moody and tired and blah feeling. I hate feeling that way. It's a new thing... well, new since I got the last implant. No, I don't like the side effects, but they are tolerable 3 days out of the month. Hopefully she stays pretty quiet this month - I'm not in the mood to deal with her. I hate feeling bloated and moody... it sure doesn't help when I'm trying to feel motivated to exercise. I've got to push through it, though. Cause if I don't - it means she wins. I just can't let that happen.

Well, have a great Tuesday!!

Till next time. ;)

I'm a Little Torn

2012-01-09T03:53:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

The weekend sure went by fast. Here it is, Monday again. It has been a full week since 2012 started, and I wish I could say that I've really put all of the struggles I had last year behind me - but I haven't. Don't get me wrong, I've done better. A little. Not near enough as I could have, but I'm sticking to my mind set of slow and steady, easing myself in to it, you know? Although, if I move any slower, I'll be going in to reverse - and I can't let that happen.

This week, I really plan on finding my fire. I'm officially putting myself in to training mode. My first 5K of the year is only 3 1/2 months away and I'm no where near ready. I can be, but I'm really going to have to push myself to get there. So, that's going to be my main focus from this moment forward. It's not just about the weight loss, it's about getting my body ready to compete....and compete I shall.

Before the new year started, I made this great list of things I will and won't be doing this year. One of those things was that I wouldn't be joining a gym. It was nothing against gyms, it was just the fact that I'm trying to be very careful with my pennies at the moment, and apart from Boot Camp I really haven't had much success going to a gym. I start with good intentions, and then start to make excuses as to why I just can't get there.

Then, my friend texted me on Saturday and told me that a Planet Fitness is opening up right down the street from my school. Walking distance, in fact. I'd never heard of Planet Fitness until I watched Biggest Loser last night. They are running this great sale where the sign up fee is only $1 and the monthly fee is only $10. And once I found that out, I got stuck in the conundrum I'm now in. Well, wait, after watching Biggest Loser last night I really found myself in that conundrum.

This season of Biggest Loser is going to touch me, I just know it is. I didn't even watch last season. I was so consumed with the failure I had achieved, I didn't want to watch the show even though I knew it would rekindle that tiny flame that was burning inside of me. Now that I'm ready to not only rekindle the flame, but turn up the fire to full heat, I was ready to get back in to watching the show. And what do I see from the minute the show starts? NO EXCUSES! That's the motto for this season, and it couldn't have come at a better time.

So, as I'm watching the show, I'm Googling Planet Fitness. It looks pretty normal, nothing stands out to me that would make it a much better gym than any of the others I've tried, except for two things: It's within walking distance of my school and it only costs $10 a month. Those are two benefits I've never experienced before. They claim to keep their prices low by being simple. The gym is full of work-out equipment, and you work out whenever you want. No classes. No childcare. No personal trainers walking around trying to get you to buy fancy packages or anything like that. All of those things make it an offer I want to jump on - except for one little thing. The no childcare part.

Now that Peanut and Butter are attending school in my district, they are with me after work. Going to the gym everyday after work would be perfect, I'd even have a work-out partner if my friend signs up too. But then I have to wonder what will my kids do? I can't drive all the way home and then drive all the way back to the gym. Well, I could, but I won't. I'm trying to save money, and that many trips to town each day would cause havoc on my gas budget. I live 40 minutes away from work and the gym...that's just too far to travel home and back again each day. The trip to work each day and then home again is quite enough thankyouverymuch.

Needless to say, I'm thinking about it. I'm going to make a visit to the gym sometime this week and ask a few questions. Maybe there's an area where the kids can hang out while I'm working out. It will only be for about 45 minutes each day. I can't be there much later, because I have Jelly to pick up from daycare. But a 45 minute workout would be enough. In my experience, it's not how long you work out but the intensity that's put in to it. If I start out with basic stuff, and then up the intensity, the 45 minute time limit won't matter.

I'm not going to make any promises. It will either work out or it won't. I just have to start doing something... anything. I'm ready to make the changes, I just need my body and my brain to get on the same page. And this week, they're going to put their differences aside. This week, we start. For real.

Till next time. ;)

Meal Plans and De-Ja-Vu

2012-01-08T08:06:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary....

Got quite a bit done yesterday. Not everything that was on my list, but I crossed off big chunk. As soon as I finished up here, Hubby and I got busy making our meal plan. We discussed healthy meal options and then made a schedule of the meals we'll be eating for dinner each night. The line up sounds quite tasty, and it made me realize once again that I never have to sacrifice eating great just because I'm eating healthy. Meals like lemon pepper salmon, baked Parmesan roughy, chicken dijon & whole wheat pasta. All delicious. All low in fat. All healthier options.

Once the dinners were planned, I had to start thinking about breakfast, lunch, and snacks. There's nothing worse than getting up in the morning and wandering around trying to figure out what I'm going to eat while I'm at work. Most of the time, I grab a frozen lunch and a yogurt and consider myself set for the day. I eat the yogurt for breakfast, eat the frozen meal at lunch, and then spend the rest of the day hungry because I didn't think about the time in between when I'm hankering for something else. Then what happens? You guessed it... I rummage around the candy jar in the teacher's rooms. Not gonna happen this year. Oh no, I'm planning ahead again - that works out much better.

Despite my resolution, if you want to call it that, of not planning a whole lot this year - my meal planning has to be there. It's my saving grace at keeping me on track with my eating, and keeping away from wandering fingers in a candy jar. It's a must. There's just no getting around it. Not that I want to.

Anywho, this week I've planned myself better breakfasts - like oatmeal or granola yogurt. I've also gone with larger lunches - steamed veggies with tuna or ham or egg. or salads with the same. Both options pack a big punch with the veggies, and will help keep me full a little longer than the tiny serving low-fat frozen options. For snacks, I stuck in a few Greek Yogurts (found one in coconut flavor that I can't wait to try), crackers with cheese, and granola bars. They are to eat in between meals to help keep me satisfied but not loaded with any junk.

So, after the plan was all set, it was off to the grocery store I went. I took Jelly with me. Not usually the best idea when I'm shopping by a list that I MUST stick to. She likes to offer a few suggestions of her own - and push-over mom, here, usually gives in. I am proud to say that I didn't give in, but offered healthier choices instead. She got some fruit snacks, some low-fat yogurts, and some PB&J crackers to share with her siblings this week for snacks. Sure beats the cookies and chips that had been the star of the show for the past couple of months. They need to eat healthy right along with me. I've always thought that. I did cave and let her get a donut at the end of our shopping trip. Any other time, I would have picked one out for myself - but I didn't this time. She got one, she ate it, she loved it. I was happy for her as I watched. I didn't feel the slightest craving as to having a bite....that is a huge success for me.

After getting home and unloading, I went to the next item on my list: Start working on my portfolio that will be needed when looking for a job. This is where the de-ja-vu comes in. I have to basically start over from scratch, being that I've been out of school for almost a year - and need additional information added. While I sat here at my computer, writing the many pages that are required in a good portfolio, I couldn't help but feel it. That feeling I got this time last year when I began making my first portfolio. I was nervous, I was excited. I worried about whether I was including the right stuff. Am I being too wordy? Is this enough to get my point across? Is it professional sounding enough? All the questions from last year... only this year, I know what it feels like to feel the sting of rejection - which makes it that much more important for the portfolio to be perfect. I sat at my computer for hours.

Those hours ended up being the cause of my other items not getting done, but this is important. I want to get a lot of opinions on my work before I start pounding pavement. Something I didn't do last year. I want teachers to look at it. I want my principal and assistant principle to look at it. They all have an idea on what it needs to look like, and they'll be my best critics. That will also take time. So, even though I have over a month before I have to start getting out and making some connections - it's important that I start now. I want to be prepared. Better prepared than I thought I was last year.

So, that was my Saturday. It was a good one. Got a lot done. Now, I have to do some other things... like laundry. UGH! The kids are at church and the house is quiet. Perfect time to throw a load of laundry in and keep working.

Till next time. ;)

You Gotta Do What You Can

2012-01-07T06:25:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

I'm feeling pretty good this morning. My mind is a whirlwind of things I want to do today, and that makes me happy. I also realize that no matter how much I want to get away from planning out my entire life, I can't help but wake up each morning with a to-do list. Rather than to talk about my to-do list, and then having to recant if there's something on it I didn't get to, I'm going to try and do stuff and then post about it the next day. That way, I don't have to look at what I didn't get done. Did any of that make sense? Moving on.

I've been trying to come up with ways that I can get in a little exercise while I'm at work. Trying to find a way to exercise at work is almost impossible. Almost. I walk up and down hallways many times a day, but I can't call that exercise. It's what my body is used to because I've been doing it for almost 6 months now. It's not exercise, it's daily life. But there are the occasional times where the opportunity arises for me to do a little extra.

Thursday was my day for recess duty. Recess duty usually consists of me standing in a spot watching the playground, watching the soccer field, and watching the walking track. I stand there and watch, doing nothing but talking to my kiddos. Thursday, I decided that I had the perfect opportunity to get some exercise in. Now, I was in a dress, leggings, and boots. Hardly the attire to walk around the track. But play soccer? Apparently so. There are a bunch of 3rd grade boys that like to play soccer. No, they LOVE to play soccer. Before Christmas, as a treat, I had a game of soccer with them. All this week, they'd been trying to get me to do it again. So, Thursday, I figured why not?

I love soccer. I played it when I was a kid, and watched it growing up. It's a British tradition, I suppose. It is also very big among the Hispanic population. So, being in a highly Hispanic population at school, I can join in with a game that was a part of my childhood. Despite being in a dress, I still got out on the field and played soccer. However, I decided to be the goal keeper.... not really much exercise to be had there.

Yesterday, I decided to up the ante just a little. While Fridays are not my recess duty days, I asked my counterpart if he'd like me to cover his recess duty. He didn't mind. So, I took another opportunity to get out with the kids and play. This time, however, I was NOT playing goal keeper. I got out there and I ran with those boys. By the time the 25 minute recess was over, I was pretty sweaty. Not exactly professional, but it was Friday...I was in jeans and tennis shoes.... the kids would be OK with meeting with a sweaty teacher, right? Not only did I get that 25 minutes to play soccer, but I got an additional 20 minutes an hour later. One of my classes earned an extra recess, so back out there I was running up and down the field. That time, I was even more sweaty because I pushed myself much harder knowing that the day was almost over and not many people would have to see me dripping sweat.

The principle caught me out there. I was a little nervous at first, but she thought it was great that the kids had earned such a great reward. It's those kinds of situations that makes me want to stay at my school forever. I took a chance getting out there and playing with the kids, but it seemed to get the OK from the principle - so that I'm very happy about. The kids get such a big kick out of their teachers joining in with stuff like that, and I get just as much of a kick seeing them so happy that their teacher is willing to run around with them.

I was very surprised at how well I did. Stamina wise, I mean. I was able to run up one length of the field, and there were several situations where I sprinted for the ball. I was completely winded by those sprints, but I was still able to do them. Running the length of a soccer field is no comparison to the almost 3 miles I was able to run a year ago - but at least I know I can still run a little. A little is better than none. I won't have to start completely over building up my stamina from a fast walk to a slow jog to a faster jog. I should be able to start right at slow jogging... but I'm getting a head of myself....I'll just have to see what I'm capable of once I get out there.

OK, I need to start working on the stuff I have planned for the day. I'll share it with ya tomorrow. I know you can't wait. HA! I'm going to enjoy my Saturday, and see what happens.

Till next time. ;)

BYOC - Yep, Two Posts in One Day!!

2012-01-06T15:01:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...again...

I saw that Draz posted a Bring Your Own Crazy post this morning. In the past, I've just held off and done the BYOC post on Saturday, because I was in this frame of mind that I can only post once a day. Well, I checked the official blogging rule book, and no where does it say I can only make one post a day. So, I figured, I'll do another post...and do the BYOC post.

If you're new, BYOC is 5 little questions you can answer in your own blog to give your blogging brain a break and to get to know each other better. The amazing Drazil comes up with the questions, and I answer them...and you can too!!

So, here goes...

1. How do you feel about NY resolutions? Do you make them? Do you forget about them quickly? Do they help you?

I tell myself that I don't make NY resolutions, instead I use a fancier way of saying it... something like "goals". In actuality, they are resolutions, but sshhh, don't tell anyone. I like having the fresh start of the new year to try and get my mind focused on achieving stuff I need to achieve. I haven't had the best luck with making them, but I do it anyway. Each year, my goals are pretty much the same: Lose weight, eat better, work out more. Last year, I added: Get a teaching job. I didn't achieve any of them. This year? I have the exact same goals - and I'm going for them...again. I wouldn't say I forget them, they are always something I want to achieve, I just tend to get distracted. I'm hoping that doesn't happen this year.

2. Did you put up a Christmas tree? How many? Is it still up?

I did put up a Christmas tree - always do. If you've been here since Thanksgiving of last year, you know how Ga-Ga I am about Christmas. I only put up one, and that's usually the extent of my Christmas decorating. The tree gets decorated with all of the ornaments that the kids have made over the years, some garland, and lots of colorful lights. It goes up the day of Thanksgiving and comes down New Year's Eve. Always has, since I've been an adult, and probably always will.

3. How many total Christmases did you choose to have to attend outside of your home?

I only attend two Christmases outside of my home. One is held on Christmas Eve, at P-Momma's house and the other is on Christmas Day at my parent's house. We always make a trip to my in-law's house on Christmas Eve, but just to drop off gifts and say hi. They are not really big in to Christmas. At P-Momma's house, she cooks a nice dinner and we open gifts and all that stuff. Then, after I've done Christmas presents at my house Christmas morning, we head over to my parent's house for more presents, dinner, and we spend the night. I love it. Already counting down the days until I get to do it all over again next year. There's 353 days left...in case you were wondering. :)

4. What are you most looking forward to this year?

Well, I want to say finally getting a teaching job - but I said that last year, and look where that got me. Instead, I'm looking forward to just making this a good year. I want to really get back in to my weight loss stuff, and I'm going to work my rear end off to get a teaching job. If the job happens, it will be the most happiest year of my life....yes, shared equally with the years my kids were born. If I get a teaching job at the school I'm currently in? Well, sorry kids - it may top the giving birth years. I know that sounds bad, but I've wanted a teaching job for 25 years. Now that I'm in a school that I love...that has doubled the intensity. If I don't, then I will look forward to going back to working another year at the school I'm in now...and will love every minute of it.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and in blogland this week.

Real life has been great. It was back to work after two weeks off. That's always hard, getting back into routine I mean. I loved being back with my kiddos at work, though, and this week went by pretty quickly. I started the Biggest Loser competition, and I'm looking forward to seeing how that goes in later weeks.

In Blogland, I've been working on making my blog posts less structured and formulated. I want to really write about what's on my mind, things I'm dealing with, my weight loss process, etc. so I'm trying to get myself in to the mindset to just sit down every morning and write about whatever pops in to my brain. It's why I started the whole "Dear Diary" thing...so that I just let my fingers do the talking. I like it. While my writing hasn't exactly been the most interesting stuff I've come up with - it has been from the real me...so that's a plus. I've noticed that comment traffic has picked up, too, and that has really brightened each day. I love getting comments. I want to find a way that I can get one of those comment widgets where I can actually respond to comments individually - maybe that's a project for this weekend? Hmmm...

OK, that's it. There's BYOC for the week. I love having a quick little flashback to Christmas. I know I said I was done posting about Christmas until next year - but you can blame Draz for this one.

Alright, talk to you again tomorrow morning...

Till next time. ;)

Ready for the Weekend

2012-01-06T03:43:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

Despite coming back from two weeks off of work, I'm surprised how quickly this week has gone by. Usually, everyone is so tired from adjusting to having to get up early and work all day that the week drags on. While I have been tired from the adjustment, the week has gone by extremely fast.

I weighed in for Biggest Loser yesterday. Before going to work, I made sure I drank plenty of coffee and I ate my breakfast before weighing in. Even if the weight loss from my first week is just the difference between the coffee/food I drank yesterday, I'll still feel encouraged if I see a loss...and that success will give me hope that it will continue. Yes, it's a warped way of looking at it. Again, call it cheating if you will, but I don't see anything wrong with being a little lax with my first weigh in. Despite drinking about half a pot of coffee and eating my breakfast before weighing in, I still had a starting weight of 239.5. I know that's 0.3lbs lighter than what I started the year, but I kind of expected more than that. I haven't weighed in this week at home, because I'm waiting until next Wednesday. I'll be curious to see how my first week and a half since the first weigh in goes.

Now that the competition has officially started, it means I really have to start moving my behind if I have any hope of winning. While I don't want to get consumed in the competition, I do have my eyes on the prize. Having that extra money to put in to my Reward Jar will be great. Clothes aren't cheap, and if I want a completely brand new wardrobe, every penny will count.

This weekend is going to be about planning and making the most of the free time I have. I'm going to plan all of my meals out for the week. I do so much better when I know exactly what I'm going to eat for breakfast and lunch each day. It helps me avoid the frustration that comes from deciding what to eat, and opting for the quickest (and worst for me) option. Hubby takes care of the dinner part. Well, Hubby and I collaborate on the dinner part - he just does the cooking. He's great at coming up with healthy options for dinner....he's already mentioned putting salmon back in to our line up. Something that has been missing for many months, now.

I noticed that one of my co workers was eating a bag of steamed veggies for lunch, yesterday. At first I thought that had to be pretty boring, but when I got to think about it - it's genius. A full bag of steamed veggies has around 100-150 calories depending on the veg. Sometimes, even less than that. While I'm not counting calories, I'm still being mindful with checking food labels - that's something I've always done. I know what to look for, and I know the rough amount of calories I try to shoot for with each meal. I had a Lean Gourmet meal. It was a tiny piece of lasagna that held 280 calories. While it was low in fat and had a good balance of carbs and protein, it was a tiny serving. I mean, really tiny. I had like 4 bites and I was done. I will say that it tasted good, but satisfying? Definitely not. I could trade in my tiny serving frozen meals for a bag of steamed veggies every day and have way less calories, food that fills me up, and get in the veggies that I tend to miss out on. Win, win, win. There are also a bunch of options I could include to help with the protein. Taking some lean ham or a boiled egg or something like that with me each day would help give me a protein boost - and still keep the calories down below 300...which is what I shoot for with my lunch (despite not counting calories).

So, as I'm planning this weekend and then going grocery shopping, I'm going to look at the options I have with eating steamed veggies a few days a week. I probably won't do it every day, but I see me doing something like that at least 3 times a week.

This weekend, I also plan on going out for a couple of runs/walks. While I promised myself that I don't want to make plans for my working out, I also realize that I have to make the most of any free time I get. I did set myself a goal of working out at least three times a week in order to get my bonus for my Reward Jar. I won't be making any excuses about not working out this week, but I do have the opportunity to do something about it this weekend. Even if I only get in two 30 minute walks, it's way better than nothing. I'm definitely going to need to ease myself back in to it because it has been months and months since I've gone for a run. With a 5K only three months away, I need to start making preparations for training. Getting out to see how bad my stamina is, now, is the key. It will tell me how much work I have to do to even think about running a 5K. It took me over a year to get to the point where I could run a full 5K, I just hope I don't have to start completely over. I think getting out and doing some speed walking with maybe a couple of quick sprints may give me the answers I need. But if I can't do too much, that's OK, I will get back to where I was.

My toughest challenge has always been the starting when it comes to exercise. Once I've started, I'm so glad I did. I feel great while I'm working out, and even better once I'm done. I just wish I had that feeling before hand. Maybe that's something else that will come, in time.

Alright, time for me to get ready for my last day of the work week. I know that there has been a lot of rambling these past few days, but I kind of like it. I get all of my thoughts out, and that's a very cleansing feeling. I hope that I will have more focus and energy with my writing once my weight loss gets some momentum, but in the mean time? This is just how it's gonna be.

Till next time. ;)

Oh, It's On Like Donkey Kong!

2012-01-05T03:31:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

Today is a big day for me. Despite making promises to myself to not put myself in to a position that would set me up for failure, I've decided to take a leap and do it anyway.

Today, I will be weighing in for the Biggest Loser competition at work, the competition that I not only agreed to participate in, but I also volunteered to head up. Don't ask me why, just trust that I think I know what I'm doing.

I will be brutally honest and say that I don't care for weight loss competitions in the slightest. Really. I don't. I know that's hard to believe, being that I've signed up for tons of them - and now I'm telling you about doing another one. I don't like feeling the pressure of putting my success up against the success of others. But, sometimes the pressure is needed. It sets a fire under my behind. I don't like to lose - competitions that is. I'm competitive by nature. That's good and bad. It's good because, well, like I said - I don't like to lose. It's bad because if I do lose, or I give up half way through, I feel like a big failure. A BIG failure.

Hopefully, though, this competition will give me the motivation to keep going each week. Why? Because each week is a mini competition in it's self. Rather than just weighing in at the beginning, keeping track each week, and then weighing in at the end, I'm adding an incentive each week to keep those pounds coming off.

The whole competition is a cash prize contest. Meaning we all pay $10 to compete, and in the end the person who wins gets the entire pot. Each week, when we all weigh in, the percentage of weight loss will be calculated. The person that has the highest percentage of weight loss for the week will win a small prize - provided by the person who had the lowest percentage of weight loss. In addition to that, if a person gains weight they have to add an additional $1 to the pot for every pound they gain. So, if a person gains a pound one week, they add an additional dollar, 2lbs makes them pay $2, etc. It's a harsh penalty, but hopefully hard enough for this poor girl to really do her best - so that she can save her dollars.

I'm adding a protocol that only applies to me - any weight I gain will come out of my Reward Jar. So, while this competition has the potential to add some serious molah to my jar, it also has the potential to taketh away.

I haven't put an effort in this week AT ALL. Well, besides the morning calisthenics and drinking TONS of water each day. I know, in my heart of hearts, it's because I knew this competition was coming up - and I wanted the best ability to win. Call it cheating if you want - but I consider it just giving myself the best advantage for success. If I had put in a gung-ho attitude this week and lost something crazy - like 5lbs - that's 5lbs I would have lost out of losing for the competition. I know it's stupid, but I told you I was competitive.

The deadline for the first weigh in is next Tuesday. That's when the actual competition starts. Each Tuesday is when we all weigh in. That works out perfect for me, because I do my official weigh ins at home on Wednesday morning. I'll be able to post how my competition results are stacking up to my at home results...cause there's always a difference.

I'm kind of thinking that I won't do an official weigh in post until January 17th, a week after the competition has started. Maybe. We'll see.

Switching gears a little...

Yesterday, I got one of the nicest comments I've ever received. It wasn't a long gushy comment, it was simple - but cut straight to my heart strings. It said:

"I love that you don't give up. That's all that really matters. Too many settle. I'm glad you don't." - Drazil

It was in response to the entry, yesterday, when I explained how I'm already preparing myself for another round of finding a teaching job - and completely losing my mind in the process. If I had a dollar for the amount of times I've been told to "Be grateful for what you have" or "Don't stress, at least you have a job and a family that loves you - and that's all you need" I could retire and live quite comfortably.

There's nothing wrong with hearing those things, they are true - to a point. However, I love the fact that Drazil gets me. She knows that I have set my sights on the prize, and that I won't give up until I have it. I spent four grueling years in school trying to achieve my dreams. Why on earth would I just give up after coming so far? Why would I just "settle" for the next best thing - which is to be working in a school with kiddos? I wouldn't. It's just not me. So, regardless of how much stress, heartache, or complete and utter devastation that I endure - I will keep going to reach that end goal.

I needed to hear the words that Draz gave me. She knew the exact moment to use them that would get the best bang for their buck. They recharged my spirit and told me that I keep going regardless of what obstacles stand in my way. And that's exactly what I will do.

Alright, time to get ready for work. Can't believe it's Thursday, already. Time sure does fly when you're having fun - even after coming out of a two week vacation. HA!

Till next time. ;)

Putting On a Happy Face

2012-01-04T03:34:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

I consider myself a happy person. Most of the time. Sure, I have my moments where I sound like a crazy banchee, and I scream and get mad... but usually after a cup of coffee I'm all better. There are times when things are said or done that make me upset, but I'm not a major dweller. I can usually get over things pretty quickly. Even knowing that I gained 30lbs last year, and that I had completely let myself go only caused me to feel mildly upset with myself. Wait. Let me rephrase that. I'm very upset that I gained 30lbs last year, but I didn't use it as an opportunity to fall in to a dark place that made me cry or kept me constantly brooding. That sound better?

Again, for the most part, I like to be a happy person. Yesterday, however, I heard the words that automatically put a lump in my throat, made me want to scream from the top of my lungs, and crawl in to a dark place and never come out. The words? "Are you planning to start looking for a teaching job soon?"

Even though I tried to not make any resolutions this year, one thing I wanted to try was to not stress too much about finding a job. Last year was probably one of the worst years of my entire life...and I've had many bad years in my life. I've been through adolescent rebellion, teen pregnancy, and an abusive relationship. I've been homeless and a single mother with barely enough money to make ends meet. Despite all of that, I got through it all. I got through it and took all of it as lessons learned. In my mind, I needed the bad to better appreciate the good.

When I sit here and think about it, it's not fair to say that last year was the worst year of my life. I also had my biggest accomplishments. I graduated from university. I received my diploma. I received a teaching license. All things to be very proud of. Yet, how easy it is for me to forget those wonderful things once I start to think about the hell I went through with job hunting. After hours of hitting the streets trying to meet with principles and get some interviews, I would come home and cry. I would sit for hours in a fetal position wondering what I'd done that caused me to not even be given a chance. I would go several nights in a row without sleeping. After some of the hellacious things I've been though in my life, it was not being able to find a teaching job that put me into one of the darkest places I've ever been.

I can't go through that again. I just can't.

But the truth is? It's going to be inevitable. Despite making the promise that I wouldn't put myself through that hell again - I have to if I want to ever achieve my dreams. This isn't just about finding a job to pay the bills, this is about fulfilling a life long dream 25 years in the making. Having my own classroom and teaching kids is all I've ever wanted from life, besides having a family. I was one of those girls that planned her life before she finished her first year of elementary school. I was going to be a mommy and I was going to be a teacher. Period. That's it. That's what my life was going to be. I'm half way there, but something inside of me won't let it rest until I get all the way there.

Yesterday, after being asked the question that tore away my insides, I just put on a happy face. I nodded, because I was worried I'd cry if any words actually came out. The nod symbolized my realization that yes, I'd be looking - again. And since giving that nod, it's all I've thought about.

This morning I really started thinking about all of this, and while I don't plan on spending the next 8 months going on and on about how sorry I feel for myself and how frustrated I am that I can't even get an interview I know that there are going to be times where I start to feel those twinges of last year. The same year that made me forget my weight loss efforts. The year that made me go from a woman that felt like a million bucks after losing 88lbs to a woman who felt like a complete failure over not being able to finding my dream job and gaining 30lbs in the process.

While I know that there will be some repeat of the devastation I felt from last year, I have to focus on something else. This year is different. At the end of the day, if I don't end up with my dream job - once again - I do have a job. I'm in a school. I'm teaching kids. That counts for something. I have something to fall back on this time around. I'm not even going to think of how much of a financial strain I'll be placing on my family, once again, if I have to repeat this year again. I'm not.

Maybe, just maybe, if I try things the opposite way around this year, I might make more progress. What do I mean by that? Well, if I focus on my weight loss first and the job second, I might be able to put my energy in to pounding out my frustration with exercise rather than pounding it out with food. I may be able to set an example within myself. If I can focus on losing weight rather than focusing on rejection, maybe the rejection won't sting as bad when I'm receiving compliments over how great I look. Maybe I won't feel so overlooked if I'm feeling great about how I feel both inside and out. It's just a matter of flip flopping my mind. Focus on the weight loss first, job second.

Will it be easy? Oh, heck no. But, I'm not that kind of person. Nothing ever really comes easy. There has to be obstacles in my path before I can win the race....I just have to chose whether I face the obstacles head on or just give up. I don't want to give up. No, I won't give up. 2012 IS going to be my year that I make some serious changes. Period.

Till next time. ;)

The First Confessions of 2012

2012-01-03T03:31:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary....

It's only the third day of 2012, yet I still feel that it may be appropriate to get some confessions off of my chest now. If I wait another week, there may not be enough room on my blog to cover all of them. Not that I've done so much in 3 days that it's going to take up that much space, nor do I plan on doing so much in the next week to take up a lot of space. Oh, you know what I mean...right?

I confess that in the past three days, I've really been trying to focus on small baby steps back in to my weight loss. I'm so scared that if I throw myself in to major steps too quickly, I'll get burned out and stop. I know that sounds like an excuse - it's not meant to. I'm petrified of failure...failing again. I'm thinking that if I take it slow, ease myself in to it, then bigger results will happen over the long run.

I confess that the first of the baby steps have been that for the past two days in a row I've done 10 push-ups and sit-ups in the morning. It's minor stuff, but I'm amazed at how winded I get just from 20 calisthenics. It's a sign of how much I let myself go last year, I know that. I want to focus more on including strength training this year - once my steps get a little bigger - and I figure that push-ups and sit-ups are a great way to ease myself in to that.

I confess that yesterday I drank 72ozs of water. I know, shocking right? Three full 24oz water cups gone over the course of my work day. Yes, I had to pee many times... but thankfully my breaks happened at the right time.

I confess that I ate way too much bread with dinner last night. Hubby made chicken and beans for dinner. He also made a fresh loaf of bread in his bread maker. When I came home, the house smelled of freshly baked bread. I made some steamed red potatoes to go with dinner, thinking that would help with the out of control carb craving... but it probably made it worse. I ended up eating 2 1/2 pieces of the bread.... 1 and 1/2 pieces more than I intended on. While I did have only a small piece of chicken and half the serving size of everything else (half of what I'm used to eating), I splurged on the bread.

I confess that while I made myself the promise of not participating in any online weight loss challenges, I have decided to run a Biggest Loser competition at work. There's a cash price involved, and if I can win - that's more money I can put in to my Reward Jar. I know I'll have some stiff competition, but I don't have to weigh in each week and compare my progress with everyone else. We're doing it silently. We weigh in next week, then weigh in again at the end of the competition in March. I can keep track of my own progress...and then just see how it goes.

I confess that I'm itching to get started with my weekly meal plans. Funds were a little on the short side after Christmas, so it's been slim pickings with the food we've been eating around here. The benefit has been that I've eaten quite a bit of chicken - unfortunately it's been the dark meat. That's all going to change tomorrow. I'll be able to go plan out my meals for the next few days and go grocery shopping, and then this weekend I'll be able to make my first week's worth of plans.

I confess that I tried on a pair of my size 16 pants yesterday morning and was shocked and horrified at how I could barely get them up. There was no way I'd even think of buttoning them. It's amazing that this time last year, those same pants were getting to be a little on the lose side. Now? Well, it's going to be a while before I'm wearing them again. While it was disheartening to see how far I'd come...it was also motivational to feel the damage. It made me want to get into those pants more than anything.

And lastly, a non weight loss related confession...

I confess that I'm getting a little worried we're not going to get any snow this year. Yes. Worried. As in, I want snow. A statement like that around here could be life threatening - but it's the truth. After the almost 2 feet of snow we got last year, that shut the schools down for almost 2 weeks causing school to go well in to June, the teachers don't all share my sentiment of wanting some of the white stuff. While I don't want enough to be off for that long, I wouldn't mind a snow day or two in the next couple of weeks. I don't like the fact that it's January, and we've been seeing temps in the middle to upper 60s. I want a winter. It's my most favorite season. We've barely had to use our fireplace this season - and it's bumming me out.

Alright, now I feel better. It's always feels good to get stuff like that off my chest. The stuff that niggles away at me.

I noticed this morning that I'm up to 160 followers. Wow. That's very humbling. I can't believe that so many people are interested in what I have to say...and I'm truly thankful for each and every one of them. It was my followers and supporters that really helped push me back in 2010....when I was a weight loss champion. It was my followers and supporters that kept rallying for me, even when I'd fallen so far off the wagon that the tracks weren't even there any more. Without all of them, I know I wouldn't be where I am today... still trying to succeed, still pushing. I would have just thrown in the towel for good a long time ago. They all keep me going each and every day with my fight.

OK, enough of the mushy stuff... I've got breakfast to make and gots to get ready for work.

Happy Tuesday!!

Till next time. ;)

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's Back to Work I Go

2012-01-02T03:25:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary...

It's currently 4:39AM. It's been two weeks since I've been up this early. Two weeks of the pure heaven of being able to sleep in as late as I wanted, taking a nap in the afternoon, and going to bed after midnight. Now it's back to reality and getting up at 4am.

I was very surprised how easily I got out of bed. I didn't hit the snooze button for 30 minutes, I hit it once. That's pretty surprising. Even before the break, I was hitting the snooze button several times each morning. I also didn't curse out loud about having to get up. I mean, don't get me wrong, if I was offered another week of vacation - paid - I'd take it. But I actually thought to myself "Self, at least you have a job to get up to regardless of how much you'd like to stay in bed for another couple of hours". That's a pretty grown up thing for me to say. It's true, though. Last year, I spent a lot of time wallowing in self pity about not finding a teaching job and having to "settle" for an assistant position. But I didn't "settle". I was still given an opportunity to work with kids and teach them every day. I just have to realize the blessings hidden in what I previously considered setbacks. Wow, if this is the new me talking... I think I'm going to like her. A lot.

So, where was I? Ah, yes... getting out of bed. Once I got up and started a pot of coffee, I went in the bathroom to get ready. I got this sudden urge to do a little exercise before I got dressed. Jelly is asleep in the living room, so I couldn't do anything in there. Hubby is in bed, so I couldn't do anything in the bedroom. I didn't let that stop me, though. Nope, I did 10 sit ups and 10 push ups right on my bathroom floor. I guess it's the one time since moving in to this house where I've been grateful for carpet in my bathroom. I know, I know, 10 sit ups and 10 push ups aren't anything to write home about - but it was something. It was a step in the right direction. I could have just used the excuse that there was someone sleeping everywhere I'd normally do a little exercise - but I didn't. I did what I could where I could.

If doing a set of sit ups and push ups every morning can become a habit, that will give me a great thing to add to my morning routine - but I'm not promising anything. I said I wasn't going to do that. I hadn't planned on doing the mini work-out this morning... it just happened. Don't want to get ahead of myself.

Completely changing the subject, Jelly has been asleep for almost 14 hours. After we got home from my parents, yesterday, she fell asleep on the couch. It was about 3pm. The plan was to let her sleep for a couple of hours and then wake her up. I tried, several times, but there was no waking her up. She'd sit up for a few minutes, then the minute I turned my back she'd be back asleep. When I went to bed at 9:30 last night I was sure she'd wake up the minute I fell asleep, but she didn't. It's quite possible that she did wake up and Hubby just took care of staying up with her - that's possible, but I will have to wait until Hubby gets up to find out. If he didn't, then she's been asleep for almost 14 hours. The child apparently has some serious sleep to catch up on. I just hope that's all it is.

I just realized that I can wear jeans to work today. YAY!! I'm so glad I checked my calendar. I don't even care that I'm already dressed - it will take me all of three minutes to change in to a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. What a great way to spend my first day back at work: Comfortable.

I'm packing my lunch to take to work today. I'm having a ham sandwich. Boring. Simple. Yet low in fat. I'll be going grocery shopping later in the week to stock up on lunches to take to work - but a ham sandwich will suffice until then. I'm about to make myself a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast. I figure I should start eating more than a granola bar for breakfast each day. I've also got my water cup ready to go. I will drink the coffee I need before leaving for work, and then it's water all day once I get there. I know what you're thinking: Who is this person typing all of this right now? Sarcasm aside, it's baby steps that's going to get me back to where I need to be. Those baby steps to a person who's spent the past 8 months caring nothing about losing weight are giant steps.

Well, I think I've rambled on enough for today. I must say, regardless of how jumbled up my post is - it felt good just being able to sit down and just start writing. It's going to take some getting used to - not planning my posts ahead of time I mean, but I think it will be a change I'll enjoy.

Oh, before I go, I just remembered something....all this talk of not setting myself up any limits gave me a new mantra for the month:

Appropriate, don't you think? This may end up being my overall mantra for the whole year... maybe.

OK, Jelly finally woke up from her 14 hour slumber, so she's in desperate need of something to eat and drink. Oatmeal, here I come.

Everyone have a great day! If you're returning back to work - be thankful you have a job to return back to. If you get another day off - well, then there's no reason to tell you to be thankful... enjoy it and be thankful tomorrow.

Till next time. ;)

Dear Diary....

2012-01-01T13:42:00.000-08:00

The first day of the new year has arrived. I wish I could say that it started off with me jumping out of bed full of energy and vigor and dashing out the door for a morning run. No such luck. I rolled out of bed after getting hardly any sleep because I spent the entire night next to a 4 year old who stole my pillow and my blanket. I then drug myself to the coffee pot to pour a cup that what can only be described as mud with a slight taste of coffee. My head was pounding with every step I took - and no, it wasn't a hang over. I've been fighting off a migraine for a few days now, and have woken up every morning feeling that thumping in my brain thankyouverymuch. I then spent the rest of the morning babysitting while my dad took my brother to buy a pig, and my mom took my cousin to play bingo. I finally got home a little less than an hour ago and I'm EXHAUSTED!

I know that the whole paragraph sounds like one big excuse - and I'm committed to not making any excuses this year - but I'm also committed to being completely honest. I didn't go out for a run this morning because I didn't feel like it. Period. There's no excuse - I just didn't want to.

Don't worry. I don't take my first day of the new year to be a sign of every day that is going to follow. I may not have woken up wanting to dash out for a run, but that doesn't mean I woke up saying "forget it" to the whole weight loss thing. On the contrary, I thought about nothing else all day. I've been running game plans and ideas through my head - decisions about what I'm going to do to get out of my slump once and for all.

I've already made a few small steps. I changed my blog. I made a list of goals. I decided I wasn't going to make any deadlines or limits to my weight loss. Something else also popped in to my head today - and that's the way I write my blog.

When I first started my blog it was for one thing and one thing only: To document my weight loss progress and how I was managing to do it while going to school, raising three kids, and holding down a full-time job. Over time, it became a teeter totter of weight loss versus life in general. It has always been one thing or the other. If I'm passionate and motivated with my weight loss - that's all I talk about. If I hit a slump (like the past 8 months or so) I focus on chatting on about my life in general. That's all going bye bye. I'm not doing that anymore.

The reason I called this blog Diary of a Mad, Fat Woman is because I wanted it to be a diary. It was supposed to be a place I could share my feelings, my thoughts, my successes, and my failures all mixed together with the trials and triumphs of daily life. Sure, I wanted the main objective to have it all mesh with weight loss, but there's no reason that I can't share everything else going on with me. My whole world doesn't revolve around my losing weight (or not losing weight) - it's an equal balance of life AND weight loss. So, from this day forward, this is going to be my diary.

Every day I'm going to sit down at my computer and begin with Dear Diary... Then I'm going to ramble on about everything and anything that is on my mind. I can't promise that it's going to be interesting or inspirational or even worth reading... but it will be my real story. It will really document everything going on in my life that leads me in the directions I chose to take.

I will still try to incorporate some of my favorite features such as BYOC and True Confessions Tuesday. I will also be weighing in every Wednesday, starting a week from this Wednesday. I also plan on taking a lot more progress shots than I've done in the past. I'm thinking maybe one a month...we'll see.

I will say that I'm excited and ready for the year in front of me. I'm not setting my heart on anything, making myself any promises, nor going to stress about what may or may not happen this year. I'm going to take one day at a time. There will be good days, there will be bad days. The only guarantee that I want to make for myself is that I will give everything I have in trying to succeed. I never want to see the number 239.2 on my scale again. EVER! The only person that has any power in making that happen is me.

Till next time. ;)

Out with the Old, In with the New

2011-12-31T06:02:00.000-08:00

So? What do you think? Do you like it?

Yes, I gave my blog a complete make-over. I figured if I want to start the year off with a new start, that meant that my blog should also get a new start.

It's just about the opposite of what it was before. I mean, the blue was calming and there was a picture of a chick doing yoga as the background. It was nice... but I wanted something different. So I went with bright, girly, and cute.

Girly and cute aren't usually in my vocabulary. Whenever I feel fat, the last thing I feel is "girly". I usually hide in a pair of sweats, a t-shirt, and a ball cap. I grunt, sometimes use foul language, and weird "manly" noises erupt from me. But I want to feel girly again....so I will be reminded of that every day when I open up my blog.

The header I designed myself. I like it. I used the new My Memories Suite software I won from Renee at Renee's Ramblings. It's the bomb diggaty. I'm not a scrapbooker, but this software lets me make cute stuff like this header. It's going to get lots of use, I'm sure.

You'll notice that the pages section also got a bit of cleaning out done. I condensed, and now display the pages that I know will get the most use. I've updated my goals for 2012 - and you'll notice a new tab: Reward Jar.

Being that I've decided that I'm not setting up a deadline for when I lose the weight, or setting an a certain amount of weight I want to lose, I've created a new rewards system for myself.

It basically comes down to earning myself $2 for every 1lb I lose. Each week, when I weigh in I will post the amount of weight I lost. I will then add double the amount in to my rewards jar. I also get bonuses for each time that I complete each of my weekly mini-goals. If I work-out three times, I get a $5 bonus. If I plan my meals each week and stick to them I get another $5 bonus. I've set a goal of running two 5K races in 2012. After I complete each of them, I get a $20 bonus.

The money is not to be touched until I've reached my weight loss goal of getting in to a size 12 pant. I can then make the decision at that point to either take the money and buy a new wardrobe, or hang on to the money and keep trying for a smaller size. It will be up to me. I'll know if I'm happy enough in the size 12 to keep maintaining that size, or if I still want to try for something smaller. Make sense?

You will also notice that my weight loss ticker has been started over. I recorded the total amount of weight I lost in 2010 and 2011 - because I think 58lbs is still a big deal. But, I want a completely fresh start this year - so I've updated my information at My Fitness Pal, and starting this year off with a clean slate.

I weighed in this morning, because I won't be here tomorrow morning to do it. I was not happy with what I saw, but I know that I won't see that number for much longer.

My starting weight for 2012 is....

239.8lbs

Yep. That's pretty bad. I know that. There's nothing I can do about it now. Take a good look at that number, because I don't plan on ever recording it as my weight EVER again!!

Alright, time to get myself in gear. I'm going out to eat breakfast with the kids and my family. Call it the last hoorah before the new year. Wait. That doesn't sound right. I'm not going to stuff my face silly right before the new year...if that's what that implied. It's just a New Year's Eve breakfast with family. Then, tonight I'll be spending the night at my mom's. I will be waking up to a new me...a me that's all ready to get started right now, this very second - but I will wait one more day.

Happy New Year to all of my faithful followers, and those of you that have just joined me!!

Till next time. ;)

The Goals, The Wills, and The Won'ts... No New Year is Right Without Them

2011-12-30T07:12:00.000-08:00

It's definitely that time of year. The time that the ornaments are all put away, the house is cleaned up from the ~~disaster~~ fun that hit on Christmas Day, and the thoughts of new year resolutions and goals start to poke out their heads.

It's apparent just by walking in to all of the retail stores. No longer do you see the pretty Christmas displays, oh no, they are replaced with work-out DVDs, exercise equipment, and weight loss aids. The stores cash in this time of year....it's the one time of year you can find just about any weight loss accessory you've ever wanted.

I, like many other people this time of year, are making a goal list. Not a list of resolutions, because my goals are all related to the same thing: Losing weight. If you want to call that a resolution, fine, but everything that's coming with it are not resolutions.

I told you all yesterday that I plan on looking back at the girl I was last year. The girl that lost over 60lbs. The girl that went from a size 24 to a size 16. The girl that put herself through a military style boot camp. The girl that went from not being able to walk 15 minutes to a girl that ran two 5Ks. The girl that I wasn't this year. I also told you yesterday that even though this year has been a major flop in the weight loss department, I really needed the failure to make me realize how much I wanted to lose weight. It also helped with creating the list of goals that I'm going to share with you now. I learned a lot this year. I learned a lot last year. Now, I have the opportunity to put the two years together and mash them in to what will hopefully be the year that I fulfill my weight loss dreams.

So, without further ado, here are my goals for 2012:

I want to lose a significant amount of weight
I want to run two 5Ks - the Susan G. Koman Race for the Cure in April and the Cancer Challenge in July or August (can't remember when it is)
I want to end the year in a size 12

That's it. Those are the goals that I have for the year. Of course, there's more to it than that... but those are the major goals I want to achieve in 2012. You'll notice I said a significant amount of weight versus putting an actual number up there. There's a reason for that, and I'll get to it here in a few.

In order to reach those goals there are things that I have to do. I'm calling them The Wills.

I will eat healthy
I will plan my meals each week
I will exercise regularly
I will learn to love strength training as much as I love cardio
I will reward myself for my efforts and successes
I will continue to blog daily about my successes and failures
I will be honest with myself and everyone I share my successes and failures with

That's it. Again, pretty simple right? Now it's time to discuss the Won'ts. The things I refuse to do because I've learned my lesson and they just didn't work for me. These may surprise you a little, but stay with me...I'll explain.

I will not set a goal amount of weight to lose
I will not count calories
I will not set any deadlines on my progress
I will not be participating in any online weight loss challenges
I will not be joining any gyms
I will not make any excuses
I will not give up

Now that you've read my won'ts, are you a little confused? Well, there are valid reasons I chose to list each one of these things.

First, setting a goal weight is kind of setting myself up for failure. Having a deadline or a certain amount to lose in a certain time frame causes stress - and then I start to feel like a failure if I don't reach that set goal. I'd rather leave myself open, and bask in the successes - no matter how small they are. Second, I really don't have a set goal weight in mind anymore. I'm not sure the exact weight in which I feel is best for me. I don't know if I'll know when I get there - but having an open door makes a lot more sense. Maybe I'll be happy when I get down to 150, maybe I'll be happy at 160, maybe I'll want more than that... I just don't know, and I'm not going to know until I start seeing the small progress. Make sense?

The counting calories thing? Well, if you've read my blog for a while - like over a year - you'll know that I have never liked counting calories or logging all of the food I've eaten. Last year, I had the most success with planning my meals out in advance and sticking to that plan. I planned based on a 1 protein: 2 carbs ratio that was introduced to me in boot camp. I focused on portion control, and that worked for me. As soon as I started logging all of my food and counting all of my calories, I started stressing....and I didn't like it. Not happening this year.

In regards to the weight loss challenges and the gym....well, looking back on my history with both of those things I realized that they caused more harm than good. No offense to the challenges, I loved participating - but it kind of works hand in hand with the deadline pressure. Pretty much every online challenge I've participated in, I noticed that I finish weighing the same or more than when I first started. Not sure why, but it's a trend I don't want to get wrapped up in for 2012. If I'm participating in a challenge, I'm in a competition to lose the weight - and I don't want to feel that pressure. The gym memberships were always great, at first, but then they fizzled out - and I wasted money. Being that I have to be very thrifty with my money this year, I'm going to stick to the vast amount of work-out equipment I have at my disposal in my house and on the streets around me.

Lastly, the excuses. Boy, have I had my share of excuses this year. The number one excuse going to not being able to find a teaching job this year. Well, boo freakin' who. This next year, win or fail at finding a full time teaching job: I'm not letting it be an excuse. Instead, I'm going to try and channel some of the anxiety that job hunting brings and take it to the track. If my memory serves me correctly, I got through the toughest and hardest part of school by releasing my stress while running....that's what I should have been doing this year, but I didn't. No more excuses for me. It's either put up or shut up...and you know I won't be shutting up any time soon. That leads to the not giving up. If I can still have the willpower to try again this next year after the awful year I had this year, then I know I can do it. I just know it.

Alright, so there you have it.... the goals for 2012. I have to admit, it's kind of psyching me up and getting me ready. Just two more days.
I
Till next time. ;)

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The One Situation Where Want is More Important than Need

2011-12-29T08:09:00.000-08:00

We're just a few days away from 2012. The year that I want to make a difference, get back on the weight loss rollercoaster, and drop all of the weight I've gained this year and then some.

I've been told it's called a resolution. But I don't like to call it a resolution, because from my experience resolutions are made to be broken. They last about a month or two and then they disappear, and are no longer important.

This year, I made the resolution to lose more weight than I lost last year. For the first two months, I did great. Then the resolution started being replaced with life - and I feel off the wagon. It was all downhill from there, and I ended up gaining a ton of weight over the remainder of the year. I don't want that to happen again.

Yesterday, I had a very interesting conversation with Butter's counselor. He's Butter's counselor, but he has made me realize that I probably need my own counselor. We spend about half the time talking about Butter and the rest of the time talking about my problems. Yesterday's discussion was about changing behaviors and routines.

Not that I want to give out confidential information about Butter's counseling appointments, but this conversation was relevant to many situations in my life. It was the topic of need versus want.

Using an example: I'm a parent that says NO a lot. Not in the context that my kids aren't allowed to do a lot, but when I don't want them to have or do what they're asking for, I just say no. Professionally speaking (from the counselor's point of view), using the word "no" often sets off the anger mechanism in the brain of a child. They hear the word and automatically feel like they're being denied something - and they don't like it. Instead, choices should be given. If I don't want one of my kids doing something, then I should give them two other choices of things they can do instead. That's a great idea, but breaking the habit of saying no is a hard one to break. He pointed out that I know I need to make the change, but I often don't want to - because it's just easier to say no. I have to want to change more than I need to change.

As a teacher and as a mother, I've always been taught that need should always be more important than want. My kids and I need food, but the chips and cookies aren't placed in to that category. Those are wants, and wants are not important. I need a job to support my family. I may not be doing exactly what I want to be doing, but the need is more important and so I do it. We need clothes, but the twenty pairs of heels that I never wear are most definitely wants that I could have done without. Getting the point? Needs have always been more important than wants.

When it comes to breaking a habit or changing behaviors, however? The want has to be greater than the need.

For years, I've declared that I needed to lose weight. I've needed to in order to better my health, to be there for my kids when they grow up, to be able to keep up with a classroom of kids, etc.

Last year (2010), for the first time in forever, I wanted to lose weight. I wanted to look better, I wanted to fit in smaller clothing, I wanted to feel better when going out with my friends, I wanted to be able to run in 5K races. I wanted, I wanted, I wanted. And you know what? I succeeded. For that year, anyway.

By the end of 2010, I had succeeded in all of those things. I felt better about the way I looked, I loved going clothes shopping because I was able to buy clothes in the "regular" stores - and not the plus section, I went out with my friends with confidence and didn't feel like the elephant in the room, and I ran two 5K races that year. I succeeded.

Then, in January 2011, I changed that want back to a need. I needed to continue losing weight. I needed to not let my school work and graduating college interfere. I needed to take advantage of having so much time off of work during the summer to focus on working out. There were lots of needs, but how many did I accomplish? None.

It's no secret that this year has been a total failure - in terms of my weight loss. I could sit here and feel all depressed about how much I failed. But you know what? I don't. I needed this year to show me how much I want to lose weight. I hate the fact that I've gained so much weight back, but it really helps me think about how great I felt last year when I'd lost so much and how great I felt and how I wanted to keep the momentum going.

I could sit here and blame certain events that have taken place this year on my weight gain. But that's not fair. I had plenty of opportunities to change my behaviors, but the truth is - I didn't want to. I was happy in a weird, depressing way. I kind of took the weight gain as a crutch. It was something I could make excuses for and other things, like finding a job, was much more important. I wanted to find a teaching job much more than I wanted to continue losing weight. The job became my top priority... my only priority in fact. When that failed? Well, I just felt like a failure - and didn't want to succeed in anything else.

Now that I look back, there are no regrets. I hate regretting the past. I can't change it, so there's no point in dwelling on it. All I can do is learn from it. I now know how much I want to lose weight. I don't like feeling the way I do right now. I have clothes that are way too tight, I'm back to being winded after walking a mile, and I'm back to not wanting to go out with my friends. I'm back to the girl I was in the beginning of 2010, the girl that wanted so much from my weight loss efforts.

In the next couple of days, I have some goals that I'm going to share about my plans for 2012. Goals that may surprise you. I'm going to focus my efforts, once again, on my wants rather than my needs. It works. I know that because I've done it. So, bring it on 2012... I'm ready for ya!

Till next time. ;)

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Another Guest Post from Peanut - Yet This Time She Doesn't Realize It

2011-12-28T06:54:00.000-08:00

Last week, my beautiful, smart, witty daughter wrote a guest post for my blog. She loves to write - just like her Momma.

When I say that Peanut is a mini-me, it's scary how much that is actually true. Well, not scary as in I wish she wasn't, scary as in everything she does reminds me of what I was like when I was younger.

I got her a tablet for Christmas because, like me, she likes to stay connected to people on Facebook and she likes to text. I got her the tablet, however, because I hoped it would drag her away from the computer and give her more time with me...even if she was a little preoccupied by her 7" screen. But, alas, the tablet just means that she can now sit in her room most of the day messing with it.

Sometimes it bugs me. A lot. I don't like the fact that she often likes to keep to herself, locked up in her room for hours on end. It worries me, too, cause then I start to think that she doesn't want to be with her family. Then, I get a harsh dose of reality and realize that she's acting the exact same way I did when I was that age...well, maybe a couple of years older.

When I was a tween, I spent a lot of time in my room. I listened to music, I watched TV, I wrote in my journal, and I wrote poetry. I wasn't a sad, depressed tween - I just liked my own company and enjoyed time by myself. Being the oldest of six kids, the time I spent in my room was my sanctuary - the time I got to have some peace and quiet. Peanut is the exact same way.

Christmas morning, I got one of the biggest surprises I've ever received. Peanut wrote me a poem. It was a poem so good that it actually made me cry like a baby. I got Peanut's permission to post it here for you all to see. So, here goes... My Christmas present from Peanut (that was inside the mini purse that she made for me):

Dear Mom...

I know it's been tough

But Christmas is here

The way you've acted

It's your favorite time of the year

I also know

How money's been scarce

Even though you haven't stopped

Climbing life's set of stairs

With a new job and even new friends

And with all the tough times

There always comes mends

I, as your daughter,

Want you to be

As happy today

And as twinkly as the tree

I've seen your spirit

Towards today

And I've also sensed the stress

Buy, Hey!

It's Christmas Day

And a time for cheer

Mom, you may have been stressed

For weeks, to months, and now a year

But the memories we'e made

Make the stress seem mere

Isn't that beautiful? The girl has some poetic talent, that's for sure. I want to say that she gets it from me, but I wasn't writing anything like this when I was 11.

It's little things like this that make me take a step back and realize that there's nothing wrong with Peanut wanting time to herself. It doesn't mean she doesn't want to spend time with me - she just likes seclusion sometimes. I know that she loves me - and little gestures like this one shows it more than sitting with me in the living room ever could.

Tomorrow, I'm starting my transition from Random Blog back to Weight Loss Blog. I hope you're as excited as I am. I want everything to start over come January 1st. That may even mean a new look to the blog... but we'll have to see how far I get with that one.

Today, I have an appointment with Butter this morning and then I'm back to the couch to work on my new crochet projects. I'm dabbling with character hats! I'm about 2/3rds finished with an owl hat that I started last night. I hope it comes out as cute as I hope... but we'll see.

Have a great Wednesday, everyone!!

Till next time. ;)

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My Last Post About Christmas

2011-12-27T10:13:00.000-08:00

I'm Back!!!

Did you miss me? I truly hope you didn't...and that's because I hope you were so busy with Christmas festivities - as I was - that you couldn't care less that I haven't posted in two days.

The past couple of days were WONDERFUL! I had a fantastic Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and Boxing Day...so much so, that I have to tell you all about it. I will try my best to not let this post go on forever - but I doubt I'll be able to make a promise. I could break it up in to two posts... but I want this to officially be the last post about Christmas.

Christmas Eve we left shortly after I finished my blog post. We first headed to Missouri for a quick trip - so that Momma could buy a bottle of something that isn't sold in the county I live in. Hey, it was Christmas. I like to have a little sip of liquids not found in the dry county in which I live. From there it was on to the in-laws to deliver some presents. We spent a couple of hours with my in-laws before it was off to pseudo mother-in-law's house.

We were at PMIL's house all day and in to the evening. The kids watched movies and played. Hubby and I sat at the table with PMIL and visited. We opened gifts and the kids were all very happy. I got a manicure gift certificate and was super excited - it's been a while, and my nails are pretty neglected looking. Hubby got a mixer - something he's been wanting for a while. Peanut got a new down comforter and cover for her bed, Butter got a Hot Wheels race track that attaches to the wall, and Jelly got a V-Tech bike that she liked so much, she played with it for about an hour before it actually got hooked up to the TV. Around 6:30, we decided we better get home, or the cookies for Santa would never get made.

Once we were home, Butter decided he really didn't want to make cookies. He went to bed, and the girls and I stayed up to get the cookies made. When I say that, I mean I got the girls started - but they did most of the cookie making. They made two trays of cookies - and frosted one tray. As soon as they were done, Jelly picked out four cookies to leave for Santa and poured him a glass of egg nog and they were off to bed.

Christmas morning, Peanut and Jelly were awake before 6am. Usually, I'd be just as awake as they are at that time...but I wasn't. I got up and went in to their room to see if they would be OK with waiting a little while before getting up. Jelly was fine - she hooked up her new bike to the TV and Peanut was busy going through all of the stuff in the stocking that Santa had filled. I went back to bed.

I couldn't really sleep after I went back to bed - which is pretty usual - so I got up a little before 7. I just realized that I didn't get a picture of the tree and all of the presents before the kids started unwrapping. That stinks. But, oh well. There were LOTS of gifts...lots more than the kids expected. I think they all ended up with 13 gifts each...and there were a few extra for Daddy and I.

For two hours we unwrapped presents. Did you hear that? I said TWO HOURS! We stopped for a break here and there - so that I could start cooking breakfast and stuff... but the breaks were no more than a couple of minutes long. The kids were so excited and happy with everything that they got. In fact, each child got everything that they asked for - EVERYTHING. Thankfully, the kids hadn't asked for any extravagant gifts, so they were quite content. Peanut got an array of nail polish sets, a hair straightener, new sneakers, a few movies, etc. Butter got the new clothes he'd wanted, new boots, a few toys he hadn't asked for, etc. Jelly got the iPhone she'd asked for - and was quite content that it was only a toy, a new baby doll, a magna doodle, etc. The fun came when they got to the last gifts to open. These were the gifts that the kids hadn't asked for - but I knew they wanted. Butter got a new DVD player, Jelly got a Leap Pad with a bunch of books and games, and Peanut? Well, she got a new tablet...and when she opened it, was in such shock that she sat there stunned for a couple of minutes before saying anything. She has wanted a cell phone for months and months - but Hubby and I weren't really ready to give her one. She only wanted a cell phone, however, so that she could text her friends. When I told her that there was an app she could install on the tablet so that she could text? Well, there was no more wanting a cell phone for her. Not only can she text, but she can use Facebook....the girl's dreams had all come true.

Hubby really outdid himself this year with buying gifts for me from the kids. I ended up with 6 gifts. Way more than the amount I usually get. The custom is that I buy a gift for Hubby and the kids buy one - the same for the reverse. This year, however, Hubby thought it would be much better for each of the kids to get me a little something...and then one from all of them. He bought them kits so that they could each make me a little purse. I received 3 little wallet type purses that the kids all customized for me, and then they got together and made a big messenger type purse for me - that's even got my name on it! Peanut went one step higher and wrote her own poem to put into the wallet she gave me. As I started reading the poem, I knew I was going to cry. I did. Big time. I couldn't even read it all without blubbering. I will be sure to share it with you some time this week. Hubby got me a pedicure gift certificate to go with the manicure gift certificate that PMIL got for me. I was very happy.

After a couple of hours of letting the kids explore and try out their new stuff, it was off to Grandma's house. Once we got there, we did another round of opening presents, and the kids then spent the day playing outside. We were very lucky, weather wise. It was cool, but not cold. The kids were able to run around all day long - and stay out of the way of the adults that were busy preparing dinner.

Christmas dinner was a huge success. Everything was delicious, and my mom managed to squeeze 20 people in her dining room around one table - minus the four little kids that sat at their own table. After dinner, it was an evening of talking, laughing, and enjoying time together. I couldn't of asked for a better time.

Yesterday, aka Boxing Day, I sat around in my PJ's all day. Everyone had a pretty lazy day helping kids open toys out of boxes, and watching soccer. My eyes were opened to the wonder of Angry Birds - which I had deliberately not installed on my phone for the reason that I knew I'd get addicted.... but I couldn't help myself. My mom made the usual Boxing day dinner of left over meat, mashed potatoes, and pickles...and it was delicious. After that, it was time to get ready and head home via a quick trip to Wal-Mart.

When we got home last night, I was exhausted and so was everyone else. Everyone except for Hubby who managed to stay up until 1am playing a video game. The kids went to bed early, and I made my way there around 11. I was apparently so tired that I slept until 10:30 this morning. That's VERY unusual for me.

Now, the kids have a couple of days to use their new toys and destroy my house before New Year's is upon us. We are then repeating the whole Christmas thing by going to my parent's house. Then it will be time to go back to work.

This week I'm going to be very busy preparing my new plans for 2012. As of January 1st, I'm making a promise to myself that the weight loss is going to happen. It's back to eating right, working out, and being the girl I was in 2010. The girl that lost almost 80lbs. That's for later this week, however. Now? I'm off to post all of my Christmas pics to Facebook and enjoy some time with my kiddos.

Have a great Tuesday, everyone!!

Till next time. ;)

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You Better Not Pout, You Better Not Cry...Santa Claus is Coming to Town!!

2011-12-24T08:00:00.000-08:00

It's Christmas Eve!! Ah, I'm so excited. I look forward to this day just as much as I do Christmas Day. That's mostly because I start my Christmas festivities today. Two Christmases scheduled today at the in-laws and pseudo mother-in-law's.

Santa is already out hard at work. As I'm writing this, Santa is currently in the Philippines and has delivered almost 500,000 gifts. If you've got kids, open up Norad Santa and follow him as he makes his way over the world. This website has been apart of my Christmas for as long as I can remember. The kids absolutely love it - and it really helps keep the magic alive, cause it shows Santa making his way around the world delivering all of the gifts. And it lines up with my telling the kids that Santa doesn't have one night to deliver gifts - he actually has 24 hours due to all of the time zones.

Jelly is already buzzing around the house singing her favorite Christmas song... Santa Claus is Coming to Town. She's learned all of the words, and sings it over and over. She's definitely excited.

I'm up before Hubby this morning, which is very unusual. That usually only happens on Christmas Day - but I beat him this morning, too. Not only am I up, but I'm showered, dressed, and have already had a cup of coffee. I'm ready to get out of the door so that the day can start and be over with quickly. Do I sound much like a child? Good....that's the intention.

Our first stop today will be my in-laws house. The kids buy them gifts every year, so we make an appearance on Christmas Eve to deliver the gifts. I don't get to see my in-laws as much as I'd like. Busy schedules have a lot to do with it. It makes me sad, cause when Jelly was a baby my mother-in-law babysat each day...and we built quite a strong relationship. I got to see her every day, and she got to see her granddaughter every day. Since my last year of school required me to be teaching, I had to put Jelly into daycare - and that caused my visits to my in-laws to become very few and far between.

After a short visit with my in-laws, it's off to my pseudo mother-in-law's for the rest of the day. PMIL makes dinner, and we spend the entire afternoon and evening at her house. The kids love it, cause there's a lot of fun to have at "grammy's" house. No doubt the kids will make some form of Christmas craft, they'll play with their new toys, and they'll play on the Wii...all the while Hubby and I are chit chatting with PMIL. I love it!

After the kids are nice and worn out, we'll come home. We have to make Christmas cookies for Santa before they can go to bed. This is the one tradition I may have to tweak at some point. The kids are usually so worn out by the time we get home, that the cookie making is more like a mad rush to get cookies made just so they can go to bed. It's definitely not as fun as it used to be when they'd spend some time making crazy Christmas shapes with their cookies, and then decorating them how they want. I almost broke out the cookie dough last night, but I was much too busy enjoying myself sitting on the couch. I know I'll regret that decision about 8pm tonight when I'm trying to get the kids to enjoy making cookies. Sigh.

Yesterday, the kids got their rooms nice and clean. They had to. Santa won't go in there and fill their stockings if the rooms aren't clean. He can't take the chance of an accident - and how would the kids feel if they were the cause of a Santa accident that potentially ruins Christmas for all the kids that haven't received their gifts yet? Yes, folks, that what I actually told my kids. Don't judge - it works, by gosh!! Of course, Jelly was ready with her quick wit... "Why don't we just hang our stockings on the fireplace, then?". Ah, just gotta love the mind of a 4 year old. Surprisingly enough, it was Peanut that came to my rescue when she told Jelly that if she has her stocking in her room, then she can open all of her stuff when she wakes up - no matter what time it is.

Speaking of Jelly's wit...I'm going to leave you with the brief conversation I had with her last night. She likes to sleep on the couch - not sure why, but she does. I told her yesterday that she has to sleep in her own bed on Christmas Eve....and this was the conversation before bed last night...

Jelly: Hey, mom, I have to sleep in the living room tomorrow night

Me: No, we already had this discussion, you have to sleep in your own bed so that Santa can come.

Jelly: That's why I have to sleep in the living room, I've got to talk to Santa

Me: No, you can't talk to Santa. Santa won't come if you're not asleep.

Jelly: I will pretend I'm asleep and just rest my eyes. It's important, Momma... I have to talk to him.

Me: Why do you need to talk to him?

Jelly: I have to ask Santa for skates so that I can go skating with Sissy (Peanut). You said that Santa might not bring me skates, so I'm going to ask him myself.

Me: Honey, I think it's already too late for that. Santa will be bringing the gifts he's already picked out for you.

Jelly: You said he was magic. I can just tell him which present to take back, and he can switch it for skates.

Me: No, baby, it doesn't work that way. If you wake up, he'll disappear. You won't get to talk to him, and he might not leave you any presents.

Jelly: That's not very nice. Momma, are you just making scuses so that I can't ask Santa for skates?

Me: No, I'm not making ex-cuses, I'm just saying that you can't sleep in here and you can't talk to him.

Jelly: Fine. I'll just call him tomorrow. You have his number, right?

There's not tricking that 4 year old, she's too smart for her own good.

Alright my friends. Everyone have a wonderful Christmas Eve. Be good. No crying, no pouting. Santa Claus is Coming...TONIGHT!!

Till next time. ;)

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It's the Little Things...

2011-12-23T07:59:00.000-08:00

We're getting close, folks. Just one more day before Christmas Eve is here, and the Christmas celebrations will commence. My house is buzzing like an electrical outlet. The kids are excited, I'm excited....we're all excited.

I will be honest and say that blogging about Christmas every day for 23 days has gotten to be a little difficult. I mean, there's only so much a person can say about this time of year....yet, I've still been able to do it. I'm sure you're all probably sick of hearing it by now. I'm sorry for that. Just a couple more days, and I'll be back to sharing random crap that doesn't really have a point - I promise.

I think I may have mentioned once or twice how excited I was about my winter break. OK, so maybe I've mentioned it almost every day for 22 days. Just want to make sure that the point really gets across, I guess. And I'm making sure that I really make the most of it, this year. If you remember, for the past four Christmases I was a college student. The first couple of years weren't so bad. I didn't have too much on my plate over the winter break while in school... but the last two years? Well, that's a completely different story. Even though I was in between semesters, I was still piled high with work and research and other stuff that I had to take care of...instead of being able to enjoy the atmosphere that was taking place around me.

This year, I vowed to myself and my family that I'd do what I could to make up for the past couple of Christmases. Because I have such an amazing family, they assured me that I have nothing to make up for. That was in the past, and it's only how I deal with the present that's important. Doesn't that make you want to grab a box of Kleenexes?

This week, it's been about one thing and one thing only: Spending time with the family. Sure, I've had to do some running around here and there... but the rest of the time? I've been curled up on the couch, Christmas movies playing (I've seen Jim Carrey as the Grinch about 5000 times, this year alone), and just enjoying the time with the kiddos.

They are not as in to the "family time" as I am. Who could blame them? What kid wants to spend all day every day on the couch? No, they've still had their time. Peanut has spent some time on the computer, Butter has been outside playing, Jelly has been destroying my living room by dragging out every toy she owns.... but it's been nice. I've loved it.

I've been a busy bee with my crocheting, too. I've made three scarves - and just have three pairs of matching gloves to make to go with them. I only have today to make them, but I think I can do it. Crocheting is my most favorite winter hobby. It's about the only time I do it - just because I think it's awesome curling up on the couch when it's cold, crocheting. It's definitely not so fun when it's 90 degrees outside.

Two nights ago, Peanut actually showed some interest and asked me if I'd show her how to crochet. I was ecstatic. Peanut is a mini-me, but she's at that age where she'd much rather be chatting to her friends online or talking on the phone or listening to music in her room. I didn't reach that age until I was about 14 - but times have changed, I guess. Kids are getting older much sooner. I've tried my best to adapt, so when an opportunity like sharing a hobby comes in to play? I'm on it like white on rice.

The entire evening, she sat with me on the couch learning how to crochet. We laughed about some of the creations that were being made before her eyes...it was her first time, there was some wild creations expected. She was wrapped up in the blanket with me...and I could have held that spot in time forever.

It was special, that's for sure. That's not to discount my other two children. The difference is, Jelly snuggles with me on the couch many times per day. Butter will come snuggle with me many evenings with his PSP in hand....he tries to play it cool, but I know what he's doing. Peanut is different. She's me through and through. I was never much of a snuggler or an affectionate person growing up. Don't get me wrong, I loved my parents... but curling up with them on the couch? Urm. No. So, that's why it was so special to have that couple of hours where I had the little, affectionate version of Peanut back.

She's dabbled around with the crocheting the past couple of days, but just like her mother she has the patience of a flea. She wants to be able to make things, like scarves, right now...and just doesn't understand that it takes a little practice before being able to start making stuff. I know just how she feels, so I'm being supportive. I'm trying to assure her that just a couple of days of practice and she'll be throwing scarves out in no time.

She's even mentioned how she wants to help me make stuff so that we can sell them - and have our own little store, of sorts. Isn't she sweet? A Mommy & Me crochet boutique would be great....I'm on board!!

OK, so I better get myself in gear if I plan on finishing up the gloves, finishing all of the wrapping, and cleaning my house in preparation for Santa's arrival - he won't come if the house is a mess...the kids are fully aware of this. It's amazing how quickly they spring in to gear the day before Christmas Eve to clean the house...wish there was a way I could get this kind of cleaning excitement the rest of the year.

Today will be a long day - it always is. I've managed to concoct ways of keeping the kids plenty busy on Christmas Eve - but Christmas Eve Eve? That's a lot harder. Oh well, I'll figure something out.

Everyone have a great Friday!!

Till next time. ;)

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Very Special Guest Post.... My Very Own Peanut!!

2011-12-22T08:21:00.000-08:00

A week ago, I asked my Peanut if she'd write a guest post for my blog. She's a great writer, and enjoys writing. She's often asked about creating her own blog, but I'm not ready to give her that much freedom...just yet. So, the next best thing? She can write a guest post for me. Of course, as you can imagine, she was thrilled. HA!

This morning, after a little nudge, Peanut wrote her first guest post. As I read the words she'd written, I couldn't help but get a little choked up. I just wanted her to share her thoughts on Christmas. I was pretty open with the prompt...it could have gone any way... but it didn't. It came out to be a very heartfelt, sincere post, and well....enough explaining...here it is....

A Guest Post from Peanut:

My mom asked me to write a blog about why I love Christmas,so here goes.

I have always loved Christmas for so many reasons; themusic, the lights everywhere, the thought of getting a break from school. Ilove how everyone tries so hard every year to out-do their last Christmas.There is loads of budgeting. By budgeting, I mean people are saving their money so carefully so that they can spend it all on gifts for everyone. Also, there's a lot of sneakingaround to “talk to Santa.” My mom makes a trip every year to "visit Santa". That's a day she goes out all by herself and tells us that she has to speak to The Big Man in private. Every year, we have received videos or letters from Santa, and onChristmas Eve Mom lets us track him while he is on his trip! It is just sointeresting how all of this hype leads up to only one special day. There arethousands of movies, and songs dedicated to this one day. There are even booksand games for this day, this holiday HAS to be the one holiday that everyone iswith family. Since I was little, I have enjoyed taking all of the excitementin, and being the real me. Well, not exactly the real me, I think I am niceraround this time of year, because I can feel the care that is put into each gift and each moment. Note: I'm not sure why Peanut feels that she's not so nice for the rest of the year... but it's her words...she's nice pretty much all year long..just wanted to mention that.

A few things we may do differently than others on Christmas,is well, first…”Santa” brings all of our presents Christmas Eve, so we don’t getto see them until we are allowed out of our rooms on Christmas morning. I like it better this way,honestly, so we aren’t constantly trying to guess what our gifts are. Anothertradition we have, is not keeping our stockings by the tree, but having themin our rooms. This way, while were waiting for our parents to get up, we canscavenge through our candy, and small gifts!

Want to hear a creative way my mom was “Santa,” without us or herknowing? Well, on Christmas Eve, I was awake late, because I didn’t want tosleep, until Santa was here. I was about 8 or 9. I was awake when he/she camein, and at that moment I screwed my eyes shut. Although, when he/she was turnedaround I opened them to take a quick peek. I saw a huge red fuzzy butt flashingmy way! But, it just so happens my mom has the exact same robe, I just hadn’t piecedthe pieces together until now. I swore for years, that I saw Santa that onespecial night!

Sure, I love the presents, and getting to know the stories ofOld St. Nick. But, it’s even more fun being with my family. We get to play withall of our new toys, eat anything and everything, and we just get excited! Onetradition we do only on that one day (Christmas Day) is we eat candy andcookies for breakfast. What child would not love that?

My mom may be grumpy at times, but during these few weeks ofpreparation, she will let nothing knock the smile off of her face. She isalways happy around Christmas! My brother, sister, and I are always told thatif we are bad around Christmas, its coal for us. So of course we are angels. HAHA! She wishes. But, I get to see my mom sohappy, its just hard for us not to be. I’d just like to say, to everyone that Ihope you all have as much of a great Christmas as we will this year. Even if wedon’t get the greatest presents, we will still be doing things that matter!Take care this year, and if your driving somewhere drive safe!

~**peanut**~

Wasn't that sweet? And we'll keep it between us that I've already told you all the story about Peanut seeing Santa...even though she swears it was a couple of years ago, and I'm pretty sure it was last year. The last paragraph was very unexpected. I never knew until this moment how she felt about me and Christmas. My spirit must be contagious, or at least very noticeable....even though I may be grumpy at times. HA!

I also love all of the quotations when referring to Santa. It breaks my heart that she has reached the age of disbelief - but she still does what she can to keep the magic alive, for Jelly's sake. She will be like me, I know it. I'm 29 years old, and still believe in Santa - in my own way. She's doing the same thing...and it melts my heart.

I wish I could hold on to this sweet moment forever, but the kids are now fighting....and it's up to me to go and extinguish it. Ah, the joys of having time home before Christmas. The grumpy me must have taken a vacation, cause instead of wanting to rush in there and start yelling to stop fighting, I can't help but feel sorry for them. The excitement is being replaced with restlessness....I think this will require some hot chocolate and a Christmas movie. Let's see if it works.

Everyone have a wonderful Thursday. Just two more days until Christmas Eve!!

Till next time. ;)

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Why Taking Kids Christmas Shopping is So Not a Good Idea

2011-12-21T07:23:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I'll admit it....my Christmas Spirit took a sharp nose dive. I was running pretty low by the afternoon's end. I know what you're thinking.... what could have happened to the person that has blogged about Christmas for the past three weeks to ever make her lose a drop of Christmas spirit?

The answer to that? I took my kids Christmas shopping.

Each year, I like to take my kids shopping so that they can buy gifts for family members. I think it's more meaningful if they've picked out the gifts that are going to be given on their behalf. This year, I cheated just a little and bought a few gifts a head of time. It's probably good that I did....cause we only had four people to buy for yesterday...and that took over 3 hours. I can only imagine if I hadn't done any previous shopping and we still had 11 people to buy for.

I really don't know why I bother. Our trip to the stores usually consist of the kids looking at me with hopeless eyes waiting for me to give them ideas on what to buy. It's not their fault. Trying to buy gifts for my family is never easy. It's even harder when they are put on a strict budget, yet everything in the store seems to have doubled in price since last year.

I remember the good old days when a $10 spending limit per person could buy some fantastic gifts. Now? Well, each person is lucky to get away with maybe a pair of socks or a Christmas mug with a tub of hot chocolate to go with it. Even the bath sets and shaving collections that used to be a big hit with my kids are now closer to $20. It's ridic. And, of course, the kids don't really understand when I shut down the $20 gift sets....it's what they're used to buying, it's just not what I'm used to spending - and it's not what I'm going to spend because I'm not made of money, and when I have a dozen people to buy for, a $20 limit per person gets a little outrageous.

Anywho - the trip to the store yesterday was a little...how can I say it? Urm...strained? Stressful? Yes, those are good words. The ordeal consisted of getting to the store and the kids looking to me for ideas. In which I gave. They then decided they didn't like my ideas, and wanted to look around. So that meant back and forth through the store. Did they want to buy clothes? No, don't know the right sizes. Let's go look at gift sets. Gift sets too expensive? Let's go look at tools. Don't like any of the tools? OK, we can go back to the gift sets. Gift sets too expensive, still? Let's go look at electronics. Not a single electronic accessory that fits with any person on the list? Well, then we can check out the candy gift sets. Don't want to buy candy for anyone? Then it's back to clothes. Yes. For three hours, this was my shopping experience. And you know the ending to this story, don't you? You guessed it - they ended up freakin' buying the gifts I had suggested in the first place. UGH!!

Again, I stress it's not their fault. Although, it would have been easier if I had just bought the gifts a head of time and let the kids wrap the gifts. I'm sure they wouldn't have minded too much. But they like being involved with the gift buying. It's not really fair to take that all away from them.

It wasn't just the kids that got me stressed out, yesterday. I just love those other shoppers that make the experience that much more magical for me. You know the ones. The people that seem to have woken up and realized that there's only five days until Christmas and now have to make a mad dash to the store, run everyone over in their paths, and get all hateful and nasty with everyone in sight. Really, people? It's Christmas...I was up to my eyes with stress yesterday, but you didn't hear me huffing and puffing when every aisle I went down was blocked with carts. I didn't get nasty and hateful when two people decided to have a nice chit chat right there in the middle of the aisle. I wasn't the hateful one!! There was actually people that got nasty with me if I asked them to "excuse me" in my most polite voice.

OK, so I'm up there with the category of person that waits to the last minute to finish up their Christmas shopping, but I don't take it out on every other patron at the store. I chose to go on a Tuesday, because I figured there were still people working, it would be a lot less crowded than if I decided to take the kids on Saturday. Apparently, nobody in my area works the week before Christmas. The store was pretty packed - but that's no reason to get all hateful with everyone.

After three very long hours, the Christmas shopping was over. I felt like I had run a marathon, and each of the kids were also feeling a little stressed and tense. Poor things. They are starting to figure out the fun to Christmas shopping....it's not as fun as it looks! They were so over the day when we got home, that they didn't even want to start wrapping. They've decided to wait until today. I don't blame them.

So, food for thought for next year. I'm writing this down so I can remind myself of my options for next year when I think it's a great idea to take the kids shopping for gifts:

A) Leave them at home!! Do the shopping myself and then let them wrap the gifts

B) Take them with me, but go a month before Christmas...so we're not dealing with the Grinches and Scrooges at the store a few days before Christmas

or

C) Go to the store, give them each some money and tell them to meet me in an hour. I'll be at the McDonald's enjoying a Mocha Latte and reading a book.....totally stress free.

I kind of like the last option...and by next year, they'll be old enough to walk around the store alone. I'm pretty sure if we do Option C next year, I'll be able to pick Option A every year after! HA!

Alright, I've got family coming over today....so I better get my butt in gear and straighten out my house a little. Everyone have a wonderful Wednesday. Just 3 more days until Santa comes!!

Till next time. ;)

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True Traditions Tuesday...Christmases Yet to Come

2011-12-20T06:27:00.001-08:00

Can you believe that we've reached the final Tuesday before Christmas? Only a few more days, and Jolly Ol' St. Nick will be sliding down the chimneys of children all across the world. Santa's in luck, this year, Hubby cleaned out the chimney - so it's nice and clean, ready for his arrival.

For the past couple of weeks, I've ditched my usual True Confessions Tuesday and replaced it with True Traditions Tuesday - in the spirit of the holidays. The picture that is usually at the top of the screen is a bull...I found this cupcake reindeer to be so much more fitting. It kinda looks like the bull - but a much happier, festive version. I started off telling you about the traditions of my Christmases Past, then last week I told you about my Christmases of the Present. This year, you guessed it, I'm jumping in to a time machine and dishing out my hopes and dreams for Traditions of Christmases Yet to Come.

One of my biggest fears about my kids growing up is that I will no longer have any children at my house for Christmas. It scares me. Big time. My whole life - all 29 years - I've been in a house with children for Christmas. Whether it be siblings or my own children - there has always been the magic in which children bring to the occasion. Thankfully, being that my kids are only 11, 10, and 4, I've still got several years before I have to worry about that. Today, I'm jumping forward to the Christmas of 2031. That's 20 years from now. Wow...20 years...that is a long way to jump. Peanut is 31, Butter is 30, and Jelly is 24. I am 49...

Peanut - She's married to a wonderful man. They have four children. (She'll flip if she reads this) She met her Hubby in college - Harvard Law, of course. She graduated, and her and her hubby are lawyers. Good ones. They have a nice house in Boston (she accepted a position there after graduating) - and she's doing very well for herself. The day before Christmas Eve, her whole family will fly down to spend Christmas with me.

Butter - He's also married to a very nice woman. They have 2 children. Butter went to college at my Alma Mata the University of Arkansas, and is a therapist - specializing in child psychology. His wife is a teacher.... love her!! His family live close by, and he works for the counseling agency that works with kids in the school that I teach (that's how he met his wife). They like to spend Christmas Eve at his wife's parents house, and then they come to me for Christmas.

Jelly - Three for three, Jelly is also married - but no kids, yet. She has been married for a year. She is a teacher, teaching in the same school district as me. This is her 2nd year teaching - and she's GREAT at it. She teaches kindergarten. She has remained a Mommy & Daddy's girl through and through, and she spends a great amount of time with us. Her Hubby is very much like her dad was when I first met him, and doesn't really do a whole lot for Christmas - so we'll be welcoming him to the family by giving him the experience of a Christmas at our house. She'll spend Christmas Eve at my house, so that she can spend some time with Peanut's kids - and doing the fun Christmas Eve stuff she loves.

Christmas Eve - In the afternoon, we'll load up the cars and head to my pseudo mother-in-law's house. It's been a Christmas tradition for 25 years that we have Christmas Eve dinner at her house. PMIL loves it when Peanut visits with the kids. We have a lovely dinner, open gifts, and then it's back to my house for Christmas Eve stuff.

Grandma - that's me - gets all the stuff out to make Christmas cookies for Santa. Jelly loves this part - always has. This time she drags her Hubby in to the fun, and her and her hubby help Peanut's kids cut and decorate the cookies, while Peanut and I observe from a close distance with a glass of Bailey's in hand. Peanut's Hubby hangs out with my Hubby - talking manly stuff like work and projects on the house. After the cookies, we all snuggle on the couch with a cup of hot chocolate, a couple of cookies, and a Christmas movie. We then get out the kids' stockings and get them in their Christmas PJ's, ready for bed. Once the kids are fast asleep, Peanut, Jelly, and I get all the gifts under the tree. Peanut fills the stockings, and then us three girls sit down and have a reminiscent discussion of Christmases when they were growing up. Then, it's off to bed for us cause we know it's going to be an early morning wake-up.

Christmas Morning - Jelly is up and has already made the coffee. Her hubby is a little disheveled by what's taking place before his eyes. She's trying to help Peanut keep the kids in the bedroom - opening their stockings. I get Hubby out of bed, pour a couple cups of coffee, get out the Christmas cookies, and get ready in the living room. Then the stampede commences, and the kids come rushing in. Jelly designates herself as the person to hand out gifts, while her hubby is wrapped up around her, and Peanut and I sit with the cameras ready to capture all of the excitement about to take place. Peanut's Hubby has designated himself as the flying trash catcher. My Hubby has Youngest Grandchild curled up on his lap, cause she's just not sure about all of this craziness just yet...and has to be eased in to it.

Jelly hands out one gift at a time, just like it's always been done. Each parent and grandparent gets to see the present, and then it's quickly on to the next. Once all the gifts are open, the Hubbies go to work opening all of the toys from their packaging....that are still horrible to get out of the boxes. You'd figure after 20 years, they'd have eased up on the Fort Knox style of boxing toys...but nope, not yet. The girls all grab their cups of coffee and a couple of cookies and ooohhh and ahhh over all the new toys.

Early Christmas Afternoon - Butter arrives! He's got his family and more gifts in tow. We have another round of Christmas craziness. His kids and Peanut's kids then show off to each other what Santa brought for them - and there are a few fights to extinguish. This is where I get to remind my oldest two children of what it was like for me when they were growing up and always fighting. It's so great when your children have children just like they were as kids! We spend a little while talking - and then it's time to load up to Grandmother's house we go. That would be my mother, the kids' grandmother, and their kids' great-grandmother.

Christmas Afternoon - Jesus, Mary and Bart the craziness that takes place at my mother's house for Christmas. My mom has six of her own children that show up, about half a dozen grandchildren that show up (which is only about half of them) and then another dozen great-grandchildren that have shown up. It is Christmas Pandemonium at it's finest. My sister takes the job of handing out gifts to everyone, but there is no waiting patiently as one gift is opened at a time....no, that takes too long. It's a mad, crazy, frenzy of wrapping paper and gifts bags flying everywhere.

After the gift opening, the girls all make their way to the kitchen to help my mom with the feast that will be taking place in a couple of hours. The men are all designated the job of playing with the kids - which really means they put on their coats and take the kids outside to run wild...while they stand around talking with beers in hand. Then, it's time for Christmas Dinner. The kids all eat in one room, and the adults are all seated in another room....just because there's not enough room to sit 500 people in the same room. It's loud, crazy, but my mom wouldn't have it any other way. She loves it just as much as I do.

Christmas Night - As it's always been, everyone spends the night at my mother's house. It's like a sea of sleeping bags and blow up mattresses as far as the eye can see. The kids are all put to bed in a room, somewhere, and then the adults take some time to catch up - without kids flying around every which way. There's a little drinking happening, a lot of talking about the good ol' days, and that's when Jelly takes the opportunity to announce to everyone that she's expecting her first child!! My mother and I cry...me because I'm ecstatic that I'm going to be a grandma again, and my mother because she realizes that there will be yet another place at the dinner table she needs to make room for next Christmas.

Boxing Day - The day after Christmas is celebrated the way it always is. Lots of playing with toys, eating, and just having a great time. We don't spend the night again, however. This time, it's back to my house for some quality time with my kids and grandchildren. Butter stays for a while, but soon leaves to get the kids home. Jelly and her Hubby decide to spend another night with me. Peanut, and her family are staying with me until New Year's. Her kids are all exhausted, so they hit the sack early - and the rest of the evening, the adults have a few drinks (minus Jelly who is drinking apple juice) and play some of the kids' games. It's the wee hours of the morning before we crash....and before I go to sleep, I count my blessings that I have such a perfect family and that Christmas was, yet again, another hit.

This, my friends, is how I hope my Christmases will be spent 20 years from now. Could there be a more perfect Christmas when your kids are all grown with kids of their own? I don't think so.

Alright - now back to this year. Got to take the kids Christmas shopping today for gifts for family members. They then get to wrap the gifts. I'm sure they'll argue about it - and it will be another note to write in my list of things to remember to remind them about when they're older with fighting kids of their own.

Everyone have a great Tuesday!!

Till next time. ;)

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Weekend Wrap-Up

2011-12-19T06:20:00.000-08:00

It feels very weird to be sitting at my computer at 7:40 on a Monday morning. Normally, I'd have been up for a couple of hours, I'd have complained about it being Monday, I'd be just starting work and my blog would have been written about two hours ago. But not today!

I'm now on Winter Break... but, you guys knew that. I've been talking about it for the past two weeks. Counting down, getting ready, whining that it wasn't getting here fast enough. But, now it's here. I don't have to show my happy face at work again until January 2nd.

This weekend, I celebrated in style. I took off from the house on Saturday morning - kid free - and spent the day finishing up my Christmas shopping. I am done. Completely. Well, I still have to take the kids shopping for family members - but I'm done with everything else that I need. If you want the run down on the Christmas shopping adventure, you can check out the story I wrote yesterday...in rhyming verse.

I'm so darn proud of myself. Despite taking a job this year that pays WAY below what I've ever made in my entire life...I still managed to pull of buying all of the Christmas stuff without having to break out a credit card. That's budgeting at it's finest, there folks. Yes, Christmas will be at a much smaller scale than it's been in previous years...but I still managed to buy a few things that should keep the kids happy. That's definitely a win in my books. And I didn't leave myself completely broke or in debt doing it.

After the shopping, I went and saw Hope. She looked great, and was planning to get out of the house for a little while. She has had no headaches for a couple of days - so that's a plus. We sat and chatted a little about the fun she missed at work last week. When I say fun, I really mean the craziness than ensued from running around trying to control a bunch of wild kids hyped up on sugar and Christmas dreams. I was exhausted just telling her about it.

Once I got home, I kicked back on the couch, grabbed my crochet bag, and popped in a Christmas movie. And that's where I stayed until dinner time. I finished up a scarf, and started a new one. I've got a few to make before Christmas - so I've got some work cut out for me. Luckily, scarves are super easy to make, so they don't take very long. I wanted to get a little more fancy this year with the crochet goods that I wanted to give out....like a few attempts at making slippers that look like snow boots.... but I just couldn't get the pattern right and had to give up. One year, I'll learn not to wait until a couple of weeks before Christmas to start my crocheting projects. I'm putting it on my resolution list to keep crocheting throughout the year, so I'm well prepared for next year. I've got sock monkey hats and snow boots on my to-do list. I'm gonna need some time to get them right.

Yesterday morning, I took the kids to church, did a bit of wrapping, and then went and picked them up again. Once I was home, I went straight back to the couch. More Christmas movies, more crocheting, and I even snuck in a nap. It was pure heaven. Oh yes, it was! Because of the nap, I was up late last night. I didn't mind, though...it's not like I had to get up early this morning. Which was kind of weird being that I was awake at 7am. But, when you put things in perspective - I'm used to getting up at 4:30am on Mondays...so it was, indeed, sleeping in.

Today, I've got a few errands to run this morning. Butter has a visit with his therapist, and Asia (my dog) has a visit with the groomer. It's well overdue...the grooming, I mean. That crazy dog has spent the past two weeks getting in to every sweet treat laying around the house - including a full cup of egg nog and a few candy canes. I thought that she'd learn, one day, but apparently she enjoys the holidays just as much as the rest of us. Because of the fact that her hair now looks like a huge fur ball, she's going to have to get a hair cut. I don't like to get her hair cut this time of year - cause she gets cold - but it's her own fault this time.

Alright, duty calls. Time to get myself ready to go run errands. Tomorrow, I'll share the final installment of True Traditions Tuesday. I'm going to jump in to a time machine and tell you about the Christmases yet to come....well, my hopes for them, anyway.

Till next time. ;)

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